Here comes Sunday and here comes a new chapter. I hope you'll like it. Please comment!
Frank is leaving tonight. I shouldn't be so excited. He is my husband, I should be sad of seeing him go back to New York with Leo because spring break is over. But I'm happy. Things have been too awkward with him around. He makes me feel guilty all the time. Everytime that I'm with you he is there to remind me that I shouldn't talk to you that much and that I shouldn't look at you that much either. And when I'm not with you he makes me feel guilty too. It's as if he could hear my thoughts. He knows that I'm thinking about you and he gives me that look. I don't know if our marriage can survive you.
I know your marriage hasn't survived me. You told me today that Monica left you because you told her about us. I don't know how you found the guts to tell her and how much exactly you did tell her. But it was probably a lot if she flew all the way to Seattle, taking Artie with her. I love you for telling her the truth. You're way more honest than I'll ever be. It makes me hate myself for living in the lie that my marriage has become. If I were as honest as you are, I would tell Frank that you weren't just a mistake, that I love you and that you took the first place in my heart. But I'm not even admitting that to myself. How could I admit it to him or to you?
So I live in this lie, but I'm more and more miserable every day. I keep telling myself that I'm doing what's best for my family. That I'm staying because I love Leo, and because Frank has always been the perfect husband. But I don't know if me being miserable in a marriage I don't care for anymore is really fair on Leo. I might be resenting him for it one day and you can trust me when I tell you that it's the last thing I want to do. I'm not sure it's fair for Frank either. He hasn't done anything to deserve a wife who can't stop thinking about another man. He would probably be better off without me. But I don't have the courage to take that step that would set me free. I'm a coward who is scared of change, even if that change would involve you. The unknown scares me. Maybe I'm not happy in this marriage anymore, or at least not as happy as I think I would be with you, but it's all I've known for eighteen years. I wouldn't know how to live without it.
Once the performance was over I walked to the train station with Frank and Leo. We talked about the show and how great Karen was in it but soon we ran out of things to say and we just walked in silence. Leo tried to fill that silence with insignificant words but he could see that we weren't really paying attention to what he was saying. When I tell you that my family is broken, I'm not lying. I think we are all aware of that now. It's just that we are three cowards who don't have the guts to talk about it.
I promised everyone that I would join the cast and productive team for a celebration party later in the evening, but that silent walk to the station has taken out of me every desire of partying, if I ever had one in the beginning. So I'm just walking to my hotel room, fighting back tears of frustration from not being able to make my life any better. Once I reach it, I close the door behind me and slide down the wall, burying my head in my knees, finally letting go of all the tears that wouldn't disappear. Here I am, alone in my hotel room, sobbing in the dark, feeling more lonely than I ever have. How did my life become such a disaster?
But I don't get the chance to delve into that because I hear a knock on my door. My thoughts immediately go towards Tom. From the glances I exchanged with him during the representation, it looks as if we are ready to make up and it would be logical for him to come and knock on my door. I slowly get on my feet, not even bothering to wipe away the tears on my cheeks. Tom can handle it. But when I finally open my door I suddenly wish I had bothered to wipe them away. Tom isn't standing there, you are.
You start to say something but I don't hear it and you stop as soon as you notice how much of a wreck I look like. "Julia, are you alright?"
But I can't find any words to form an answer and once again I burst into tears. You don't think twice before coming into my room, closing the door behind you and wrapping your arms around me, holding me tight against your chest. And I just let go of all the tears I have in me while you rub soothing circles on my back. You don't say anything, you just let me calm down on my own. When you feel like the sobs have quieted down you put your fingers under my chin and you force me to look at you. "What happened, Jules?"
Nothing happened. And nothing will ever happen because I'm the weakest person on earth and I can't even face the fact that my marriage is over. But I don't want to think about that anymore. I want to revel in the heat emanating from your body, in the softness of your skin.
I want you.
I lean in and capture your lips with my own, kissing you softly. You're too surprised to react. I start playing with the hem of your shirt, my fingers sliding under it. I leave your lips and start planting sweet kisses on your bruised jaw and finally make my way to your neck.
"Jules, what are you doing?"
"I'm kissing you." I'm not holding back anymore. You don't know for how long I've been dreaming to do that. I missed you so much. Every part of me has missed you. You let me take off your shirt and my lips travel on your chest, enjoying every single inch of it.
"Are you sure you want to do that?"
I raise my head for a second so that you can see in my eyes how much I mean it. "I know I shouldn't, but believe me, I'm sure I want to do that." I'm on my knees now, playing with your belt.
"I should stop you from doing that, shouldn't I?"
"Yes, you should. But please don't." I take off your belt and slide your pants down. You can't do anything to stop me anymore. You want this just as much as I do and you don't have that much self-control. I know you've dreamt about this too and you can't just push me away. Or at least that's what I'm wishing for. Don't think you would be taking advantage of me. I know that I don't look like myself right now but I'm more like myself than I've ever been in the past few weeks. Please, don't think about this too much. I need you right here and right now.
You take my head in your hands and force me back up, and just when I think that you're going to push me away and tell me that we can't do this, you press your lips against mine and push me against the bed where we both fall.
Soon, my clothes join yours on the floor and I can't tell you how happy I am that Frank left today. That moment when I was sobbing in the dark is long forgotten. I'm not alone anymore, you're here with me and you know exactly what to do to make me feel better. You are my knight in shining armor, the one who will always know how to make me happy.
I don't know why you came into my room that night. You would tell me later that people were looking for me at the party and that you offered to go and ask me to come and join all of you, but I like to think that you felt how bad I needed you and how desperate I was, and that you came to my rescue. I like to think that we're connected on some higher level. That we have something special, which we don't have with others, that links us together. But I probably want to think that because it would make me less of a bad person and more of the heroin of some romance novel. If what we have is something so special that it can't be ignored, then I'm not the worst person on earth for cheating on my perfect husband.
But I know I'm deluding myself. What I'm doing with you is wrong, no matter how good it feels. I've broken my vows so many times with you that it's not just a simple mistake anymore, it became something much worse. And yet, I can't seem to stop. I feel so good in your arms that I never want to get out of it. And so we spend the entire night like that, our naked bodies perfectly intertwined with each other and your arms wrapped around me, as if you were trying to protect me against all the dangers of the world outside. And for one night, I believe that you can.
