Author's note: I don't really have an editor tonight, but I wanted to get this up for the few followers it has so far. Thank you!
"Heyo. Look at you. Are you sulkin? Just cause Poussey caught you jerkin it?" When Nichols saw the look of consternation on Piper's face, she continued, "Don't worry about it, she told me so I could check on you, no one else knows."
"Oh god… It's been a long time since I've been that embarrassed. Well, thanks for coming by, but I'm fine."
"That's fuckin bullshit. You're not fine. It's okay to not be fine sometimes. That's why I brought this." Nichols drew a bottle of hooch out of her jacket. Piper's eyes widened. She hadn't had booze since her furlough.
"...For me?"
"You know what? I'm tired of your self-pity garbage. Yes, it's for you. For the two of us. Because I'm a fuckin person, and I understand what it means to need to blow off steam. You don't have to be in this alone, Chapman. You should really know that by now. Now let's set up some fuckin arts and crafts shit so it don't look like we're just gettin fucked up."
A half hour later, Piper and Nicky were posted up behind a tri-fold display board with magazine cut-outs, a la Morello's fantasy board.
"So where you from, Blondie? Connecticut?" Nichols poured the booze directly into her mouth and passed the bottle to Piper.
"How did you know that?!"
Nichols chuckled, "Lucky guess… And Vause told me."
"Yeah… Me being from Hartford really fit into Alex's image of me as a spoiled little bitch, I can see why it would be one of the first things she would disclose about me," remarked Piper, without a trace of bitterness.
"And what is your image of her?" Nichols inquired, one eyebrow raised.
"Narcissist thrill-seeker with commitment issues? Just… ya know… off the cuff." Piper leaned her head against her bunk and cocked it to her right to glance sideways at her newfound friend and smirk.
"Alrighty, what's the lamest joke you've ever heard?"
Piper took a moment to mull it over, "Hmm… How about… What did one ocean say to the other?"
Nichols pondered, "Nothing, they just waved." Piper raised her hand to her mouth and shook with silent giggles.
"Not the answer I was looking for - try again - what did one ocean say to the other?"
Nichols considered the question once more, "...Shhhhh." She made small wave motions with her arms and hands. Piper collapsed into another fit, and the effort of staying quiet brought tears to her eyes.
"N-n-no. Goddamn it that was good. You're amazing at that, holy shit. The answer I heard with the joke was, 'sea you later,' but I think I'll start saying the wave one instead."
"You'd better fuckin give me credit for that. It was one of my more genius moments. And I once crafted a bong out of a bottle of ketchup without losing any ketchup, so that's sayin a lot."
From that, they deteriorated into two drunken fools swapping kindergarten jokes.
"Okay. Okay. Okay. Listen. One more. One more. What did the snail riding on a turtle say? 'WHEEEEEEE!'" For 45 seconds they dissolved into puddles of laughter on the cell's concrete floor, wiping away tears. Piper composed herself and took a long swig of hooch.
"...You fucked Alex, didn't you?" She felt entitled to ask, boosted by liquid courage. Nicky choked on her own gulp of booze, "Where the fuck is that coming from?"
"I just… I remember seeing you in her bunk, and I… I just kind of felt it, you know? I could feel that you guys had just gotten down. I know it's none of my business, and I know I have no right to ask, but I just have to know."
Nichols sighed. She should have seen this coming. At this point she was too drunk to deny the wasp-y blonde's request.
"Yeah. I fucked her. And just… don't say anything until I'm done, okay? Because there's shit you don't know, shit you didn't 'feel.' She was a wreck, ya know? You did a number on her. In a million years I'll never be able to explain it, but she adores you. After we were done - which, p.s. - involved no kissing or anything, I just got her off cause she looked like she could use an orgasm - she broke the fuck down. She fell onto my shoulder and started crying. Not even just crying, Chapman - that shit you do when cryin ain't enough. Just, sobbing and heavin and nasty, snot drippin, ugly cryin. Talked about you leaving her in Paris, how much she misses her mom, how much she misses you… It didn't mean what you think it meant. It was more about you than me."
Piper wasn't even trying to hold back tears by that point. She was drunk, and so fucking tired, and so fucking sad.
"Well aren't you guys a fuckin sight?" A deep and vaguely husky voice filled Chapman's cell and she looked up at perfect winged dark eyes lined by black glasses.
