I do not want this
By the Black Goddess
Disclaimer: Yes, you guessed it, neither Digimon, nor the title belong to me. The title is from (yet again) the Nine Inch Nails album The Downward Spiral (track 8). I've edited the lyrics slightly (missing bits out) I'll put complete lyrics for all the songs up as an extra chapter.
Ken was walking through a dark wood. The trees were tall and menacing and he was nervous. The leaves were rustling, he could hear them saying
'Failure' 'Murderer' 'Coward' 'Liar' He sat down under a tree and buried his face in his hands, knowing that they were right, knowing that there was nothing to do or say to change the truth in their whispers. From his new vantage point, he could see that all the trees had his brother's face, and the leaves looked like Wormmon.
"Now you see how sorry I am!" he screamed.
Kari was slumped on the couch watching TV when she felt something dig into her hip.
"Ow!" she exclaimed. Reaching into her pocket she pulled out the Digivice which had been digging into her. She was about to put it onto the table when she realised that it wasn't hers. She frowned, remembering the strange circumstances in which she had found it. She rolled off the couch and padded down the hall to Tai's room.
"Tai?" she called. "Can I come in? I want to ask you something."
"Sure!" her brother called. Kari pulled the door to behind her and threw the Digivice at Tai, who caught it easily.
"TK and I found it by the canal, but there was no sign of anyone near. What should we do about it?"
"I've seen this before." said Tai, frowning.
"You can't have. It's not one of ours." said Kari with certainty. "TK wondered if it belongs to a new Digidestined."
"It does," said Tai, remembering where he had seen it before. "It's Ken's. Did you say you found this by the canal?"
"On a bench. It looked like it had been left there on purpose, not dropped."
"Oh God!" said Tai and dived for the door.
"What's going on?" said Kari, following her brother out of the room. Tai was at the telephone, feverishly dialling. He ignored her.
"Matt?" he said. "Oh thank God! I think Ken's killed himself!"
"What?!" said Kari and Matt at the same time.
"What's happened?" asked Matt quickly.
"Kari found his Digivice abandoned by the canal!"
"OK Tai, calm down. He might have just dropped it. Are you sure it's his?"
"Yes, I saw it on his bedside table."
"Bedside table?" asked Kari in mystification. "What's going on?"
"OK. You fill Kari in, I'll ring Ken's house and see if he's there before we go calling the police. Then I'll ring you, OK?"
"OK." said Tai. "That's probably the best idea. Bye Matt."
"Bye."
"What's going on? What were you doing in Ken's bedroom? Why do you think Ken's dead?"
"He called Davis last Friday, dead drunk and very depressed. Davis phoned here, but you were out so Matt and I went with him to Ken's. While we were trying to make him go to bed and stop him hurting himself he said some scary things. We decided to go back on Saturday to talk to him about what he said when he was sober and understood our arguments. That was when I saw his Digivice. He was really depressed, but he seemed better when we left."
"Scary things like what?"
"He said he wished he was dead, that's why I think he's killed himself."
"Why didn't you tell me? We could have tried to do something!"
"Like what? We went to talk to him on Sunday, and I thought he felt better! I thought he'd only said that because he was drunk."
"I don't know." said Kari. She looked at the Digivice in her brother's hand. "I hope he's OK"
"Believe me, so do I." said Tai glumly, staring at the phone and wondering what was happening.
Matt put the phone down quickly and dialled Ken's number. Listening to the phone ring he took several deep breaths, trying to work out what to say.
"Hello, Ichijouji residence" said a woman's voice.
"Hi, my name's Matt. Can I speak to Ken please?"
"Sure, I'll just go and get him." said the woman cheerfully. Matt groaned to himself. Why did he ever listen to anything that hysterical ex-gogglehead said? Tai had potentially put him into a quite embarrassing position here. What was he going to say when Ken came on the line?
"Ken?" he could hear Ken's mother saying. "Ken honey, phone for you" Matt heard a door open. "Ken?" the woman said again. Her voice had changed, Matt noticed uneasily. She sounded suddenly worried and unsure. What was Ken doing? "Ken, what are you doing? Oh my God! Masao, Masao! Come here quickly!"
Matt heard the sound of running feet. "Oh no" he heard a man's voice yell. Matt felt as though an icy hand had gripped his heart and was squeezing it tightly.
"I'm sorry, he can't talk to anyone right now." said Ken's mother. "Thank you for calling." There was a click as she hung up. Matt sank down on the stairs, staring at the wall. He had a horrible suspicion that Tai was right, that Ken Ichijouji had killed himself. Tai. He needed to call Tai. No, wait. Better to go round. This couldn't be shared over the phone. Matt scribbled a note for his father in case he got home early, grabbed his coat and raced out of the door.
Mrs Ichijouji put the phone down on Ken's friend and dialled an ambulance with shaking hands. She could hear her husband in her son's room, talking to him, asking him why he had done this.
"Ambulance please, as fast as you can. My son's tried to kill himself!"
"What address?" asked the person efficiently. Mrs Ichijouji recited the address. "What should we do for him?"
"If he took tablets, the paramedics will need to know exactly what he took, with an approximate quantity. If he's slit his wrists, try and stop the bleeding by applying a tourniquet around his elbows."
"Thank you. Please hurry!" She put the phone down and headed for her son's room. Ken was lying on the bed. His breathing was laboured, his skin a strange colour. He had a bucket by his face; he'd obviously been sick.
"I found this on the floor" her husband said softly, holding out a razor, stained with blood. "Ken doesn't shave! Why does he have this?"
"We need to find out what he took" she said numbly. Her baby, trying to kill himself. It was impossible. "He just made a mistake. We need to tell them." At that moment the bell rang. She let the paramedics in, then went to the medicine cabinet. As soon as she walked into the bathroom she saw the Paracetamol containers on the sink. She quickly checked the cupboard, then ran back out. Ken was being carried out of the door on a stretcher, an oxygen mask attached to his face.
"He took Paracetamol" she gasped. "A whole bottle, and some more."
"May I have those?" asked a responsible-looking woman. "It's important we know what he took so we can treat him effectively. How many were in the opened bottle?"
"I don't know. Six, eight maybe? Less than half, I'm sure."
"Is he going to be OK?" her husband asked anxiously, passing her her coat.
"I'm afraid I can't say at the moment. When we're at the hospital we'll be able to tell you more." Mrs Ichijouji followed her husband and the paramedics to the ambulance where her son lay. Only when she sat inside it, staring at her son's face, did the tears come.
Kari and Tai were sitting in Tai's room in silence, listening for the phone when the doorbell rang. They both jumped, then sat back.
"Thought that was the phone" said Tai.
"Yeah" said Kari. Their mother answered the door; they could hear a muffled conversation, then footsteps. Suddenly the door opened and Matt appeared.
"Your mother says I can't stay long." he said by way of greeting.
"It's bad news, isn't it?" said Kari. "Was he not there?" The normally calm Matt looked flustered, dishevelled. Matt sat down on the floor and nodded.
"I rang up and asked to speak to him. His mother said no problem, she'd just fetch him. I heard her calling for him, then she went into his room. The next thing I know, she's yelling for her husband, saying basically "Oh my God, come quick, come quick!" Then she came back to the phone, said he couldn't speak to anyone right now, thanked me for calling and hung up."
"That doesn't sound good." said Tai softly. "Do you think he's dead?"
"I've no idea." said Matt shortly. "Ken's clever though, so I expect that he will be."
"What does being clever have to do with it?" asked Kari.
"He'll know the most effective way to kill yourself and won't mess about with a half-hearted attempt. If death is what he wants, I should think he'll achieve it." said Matt quietly.
"That's horrible" said Tai. Kari noticed he was crying. She felt strange herself. The Digimon Emperor suddenly seemed a long time ago. All she could see was the boy he had become, crying in the desert as his Digimon disappeared. He was her age and he had tried to take his own life. It sounded so bad when you put it like that, but she couldn't feel it. Someone she'd barely known was dying, it was tragic but it wouldn't really affect her.
"I should tell Davis" said Matt quietly. "I think he'll want to know."
"Do you want to borrow the phone?" asked Tai, wiping his eyes in a futile attempt to stop the tears.
"I'd better tell him face-to-face. This isn't the sort of thing you tell people over the phone."
"What about the others?" asked Tai, seeming to pull himself together slightly.
"I'll go and see them too. TK lives in the same apartment building as the other two. I'd better tell them if I tell him." Matt voice had hardened, and Kari looked at him in surprise. Tai knew that Matt and TK had had quite an argument on the subject of Ken, so Matt's tone was not surprising to him.
"Don't be too hard on him Matt. He didn't know." he said gently. "Don't make him feel you blame him."
"Stupid kid. I'm going to tell him, then leave."
"It's not his fault. It's no-one's fault" said Tai earnestly. Kari frowned, watching them, trying to piece together the information that she didn't know.
"Or it's everyone's. You were there, you heard what he said. We should've tried harder." said Matt.
"You can't blame yourself either!" said Tai. "Ken chose this! You tried as best you could to get TK on Davis's side and to help Ken. Maybe there are other things we don't know. What happened in the Digital World was only the last in a long chain of problems for Ken. You couldn't ever have fixed them all."
"I could have checked up on him more. I knew he might do something like this, and I didn't try to talk to him more."
"Matt, this isn't the time for blame" said Kari softly. "Maybe there never will be a time for blame. I know I don't know the full story, but that's not important now. What's happened has happened. If Ken lives then he'll get the help he needs from professionals. If he dies, then blaming yourself will do no good. He chose this. You may not want to accept it, but Ken chose to do whatever he did. We need to be prepared now, to support Ken when he gets better, or to break the news to Wormmon that he's dead."
"I know." said Matt, sounding apologetic, yet angry all at once. "Saying that's the easy part, but, like you said, you don't know the full story. It's much harder to actually carry out advice than to give it. I'll never forget the things he said Kari. And if he dies, I will always feel guilty."
There was an uncomfortable pause.
"Well, I'd better go. I'll go and see the others, then head for the hospital and see if I can find out any more information. I'll ring you in the morning if I find out anything else, OK?" said Matt eventually.
"Yeah. Bye Matt." said Tai, getting up and showing his friend out. Kari followed them, then headed for her own room where she lay on her bed, thinking about Ken Ichijouji.
"Doctor, can you tell us anything yet?" asked Mrs Ichijouji pleadingly. As soon as they had arrived at the hospital, she and her husband had been ushered into a waiting room, where they had been since. They had only been there for half an hour, but to them it seemed like an eternity.
"It's really too soon to give an exact prognosis. We've taken blood samples to get an idea of what has been absorbed into your son's body, and he has had his stomach pumped. At the moment he is stable, and we're administering drugs to try and prevent further liver damage. You can come and see him now."
"Oh thank you!" sobbed Mrs Ichijouji as they were taken through into the room where their son lay pale on the bed.
"Oh Ken, why did you do this?" she sobbed, taking hold of one of her son's limp hands. "You know we love you more than anything, so why would you do this? Please don't die Ken, please don't die."
I'm losing ground
You know how this world can beat you down
I'm made of clay
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way
Ken stood up and began to walk again, desperate to get away from the whispered chant of 'Murderer'. He began to make his way up a rocky path, heading towards the sound of rushing water.
'I thought there was supposed to be light' he thought as he made his stumbling way towards the distant sound. 'I'm sure you're supposed to head towards the light. Maybe that's another lie. If I reach the water, I can have a drink. Maybe that'll make my throat feel better.' He struggled onwards.
TK answered the door to find his brother standing outside.
"Hi Matt, I didn't know you were coming!" he said, opening the door so his brother could come inside.
"I can't stay long." said Matt. Only now could his brother see the strained expression on his brother's face.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Ken Ichijouji." said Matt without preamble. "We think he's tried to kill himself."
"What?!" exclaimed TK, staring at his brother in shock. "If this is a joke..."
"Don't be ridiculous!" snapped Matt. "You found his Digivice by the canal. When Kari showed it to Tai, he recognised it and called me. I called the Ichijouji's to find out if he was there and OK. His mum went into his room, I heard a lot of panicked yelling and then she hung up on me. I think from what she said she went into his room and found him unconscious or dead." TK stared at his brother in horror. Matt looked back, doing his best to make his face impassive.
"I've got to tell Yolei and Iori while I'm here. I'm going to call in at Davis's on the way to the hospital."
"Oh God" said TK.
"I'm sorry," said Matt. "I've got to go. Maybe you should ring Kari or something - talk to someone."
"Was it my fault?" asked TK, clutching at his brother as Matt turned to leave. Matt was forcibly reminded of how TK had looked in the Digiworld, of the little brother he had wanted to protect.
"Of course not." he said as soothingly as possible. "From what I saw, I don't think anyone could have done anything. Don't worry TK, I'm sure it'll be OK. You go and phone Kari, then get some sleep. Kari'll tell you tomorrow if there's any news." TK nodded dumbly, looking stunned. Matt prodded his brother gently in the direction of the phone before letting himself out.
I'm always falling down the same hill
bamboo puncturing this skin
and nothing comes bleeding out like a waterfall I'm drowning in
Ken was finding the hill a struggle. He throat hurt so much he could barely breath, as if he was choking on something huge and round. He could still hear the voices around him, even though the Wormmon trees were behind him now.
"Will I ever get to the water?" he gasped aloud. "Is there no end to this?" He was incredibly relieved when he finally reached the top of the hill. A small waterfall was gushing out of a channel in a rock into a lake. Ken headed quickly for the side of the lake and drank deeply. The water didn't seem to be easing the pain in his throat, but at least it didn't seem to be making it worse. Ken's body was drenched with sweat, and the land around him was beginning to become blurred around the edges, giving the whole place an unreal air. Ken stopped drinking and washed his face in the water. When he was done, he sat there, watching the ripples fade away and his reflection appear in the water. He suddenly looked at the face staring up at him more closely.
"That's not me!" he gasped, horror filling him as he gazed into the lake and saw the Digimon Emperor staring back. "That's not who I am! I'm not him! I didn't know what I was doing!" His tears fell onto the surface of the water, distorting the reflection. Ken suddenly looked closer in surprise.
"Osamu!" he exclaimed, the Digimon Emperor forgotten. Without a pause, Ken leaned forwards and fell headfirst into the lake
2 feet below the surface I can still make out your wavy face
and if I could just reach you maybe I could leave this place
The first thing that Ken felt was pain. His throat hurt, a lot. He opened his eyes, wincing at the brightness of the light that surrounded him.
"Oh Ken, you're awake! We've been so worried!"
"Doctor, he's awake!"
"Where am I?" asked Ken, his voice a hoarse croak.
"In the hospital. Your throat hurts because we had to pump your stomach. You took a lot of pills."
"Oh yes." said Ken gloomily. He closed his eyes again. 'Why couldn't you just let me go?' he thought despairingly, tears beginning to leak from under his eyelids.
Matt took a deep breath before knocking on Davis's door. He knew the new leader of the Digidestined had been very affected by what he had seen and heard at Ken's, and knew this news would hit him hard. He also knew that there was a possibility that Jun would open the door. His worst fears were answered when she did.
"Matt! You came to see me? Oh how sweet. Come on in, I'll make you a drink."
"Actually, I came to see Davis." said Matt, remaining on the doorstep.
"It's sweet that you want to include my brother, but you don't have to take being kind to the afflicted that far."
"This is important, Jun. I need to speak to Davis now. One of our friends is in hospital. Please go and get him"
"Oh." said Jun, looking rather startled. "Davis! Matt's here!" she yelled. Davis appeared rather suddenly and fell over.
"Are you OK?" asked Matt as Davis staggered to his feet, rubbing his elbow.
"He does that all the time. He's such a jerk." confided Jun.
"Get lost dumbass! What is it Matt?"
"It's Ken. We think he tried to kill himself. I'm on my way to the hospital now."
Davis looked stunned for a second. Jun looked shocked. Davis typically didn't bother with the 'Are you sure?' and 'how do you know?' that everyone else had asked.
"I'm coming with you," he said determinedly. "Poor Ken! When he wakes up he might need us"
"OK then, come on." said Matt, deciding not to tell Davis that the chances of them actually being allowed anywhere near Ken (if he was still alive) were slim to none. Davis hurried off to grab his coat, Jun stood staring at Matt in shock.
"You'll tell Mum where I've gone won't you?" he asked his sister on the way out. She nodded, looking confused, and Davis shut the door in her face.
"What's the quickest way?" he asked, setting off briskly down the street.
"We're here to see Ken Ichijouji." said Matt calmly, keeping his hand on Davis's arm to remind the excitable boy that he was to keep quiet and back Matt up.
"Are you family?"
"Yes, we're cousins." said Matt smoothly, crossing his fingers behind his back.
"Let me check." said the nurse efficiently. "Third door on the right. Ask again at the nurses station."
"Thank you." said Matt, giving her a smile. The pulled at Davis's arm and began to walk along the corridor.
"Why did you say we were cousins?" whispered Davis.
"Because they wouldn't have let us in if we weren't related!" hissed Matt. "Now, keep quiet! This may still not work."
"We've come to see Ken Ichijouji" repeated Matt to the nurse in charge of the ward.
"Names?"
"Matt and Davis."
"I'll see if he wants to see you."
Ken was lying on his bed, trying to pretend he couldn't hear his parents questions. When the door opened, he opened his eyes, hoping that someone would take them away. It was getting late, surely they wouldn't allow his parents to stay here overnight. He didn't understand why the doctor in the room had let them keep talking to him anyway. Couldn't they see he was upset?
"Ken, there are two boys to see you, Davis and Matt. Do you want to see them?"
"Yes" said Ken softly. It was the first word he had spoken since he had come around and found out where he was.
"I'll bring them."
"Who are they?" asked Mrs Ichijouji when the nurse had gone. The other doctor looked up sharply. Ken refused to answer.
"How did you know?" he asked blandly as Matt and Davis entered the door. Matt still had his hand on Davis's arm, restraining him.
"Kari found your Digivice by the canal." said Matt bluntly. "She showed Tai, who phoned me. I phoned yours, and your mum went and found you."
"You saved our son!" exclaimed Mrs Ichijouji, and raced over to hug Matt, who looked terrified.
"I wish you'd mind your own business." said Ken quietly.
"How can we?" said Davis, who'd managed to extract himself from Matt when Mrs Ichijouji went to hug him. "We need you Ken! You're part of the team - we won't win without you."
"I don't think this is the time to put pressure on him." said the doctor quickly. "I think the best thing for Ken now is to be left to get some rest."
"We all need to work together." said Matt, extricating himself from Ken's mother, who was still sobbing. "If we hadn't all been there, we couldn't have won the first time. Without you, the others won't be strong enough. Your control spires have rendered us useless, and we need you to come and fix them."
"They're deactivated." said Ken flatly. "I can barely remember how they work. Besides, without Wormmon I'm useless anyway."
"Don't be silly! You're the brainiest of everyone!" said Davis.
"Ken needs to rest." said the doctor firmly. "Everyone must leave now."
"We'll see you soon!" called Davis. Matt nodded, and the two left. Ken's parents left too (much more reluctantly) and Ken was left with just the doctor.
"Aren't you going?" asked Ken.
"I'm afraid we can't leave you alone right now Ken. I'll be here with you until one of the nurses arrives." Ken nodded, turned away as best as he could considering he was still attached to the tubes. He allowed himself to drift into a despairing, angry fantasy of the perfect death. Next time he would succeed.
I do not want this
"We need to find Wormmon" said Davis as he and Matt walked away from the hospital. "Ken needs him."
"The Digiegg won't hatch unless Ken's there. We need to get Ken to the Digital World."
"How are we going to do that? He's hooked up to all those tubes and things."
"I don't know. Don't forget to tell the others about this tomorrow," said Matt, as Davis walked off towards his own apartment. He then headed to Tai's.
"He's not dead." he said when Tai opened the door. "We didn't see him for long."
"You saw him? Don't they only let relatives in?"
"I said we were cousins, and the nurse didn't check."
"Lucky. Is he going to be OK?"
"I don't know really. He looked pretty bad, but his parents didn't look or act like they were expecting him to drop dead at any moment."
"Is there anything we can do?" asked Tai with concern.
"Probably only send cards and flowers and stuff. He really needs Wormmon, but for that he needs to get into the Digiworld."
"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow Matt."
"Goodnight Tai" said Matt. As he turned away, he heard Tai call his name and turned in time to catch something that Tai threw at him. It was Ken's Digivice. Matt nodded and put it into his pocket.
Davis was quiet in school the next day. He had told the other Digidestined about what happened at the hospital, but to anyone else who asked he simply said he hadn't slept very well.
"We need to help Ken" he told the others that afternoon in the computer lab. "He needs friends to support him now."
"But we aren't his friends." said Yolei reasonably. "We're more like enemies than friends, and anyway, we don't even know him. I don't think he'd like it if we showed up and started butting in."
"He's a Digidestined just like us and we need to help him!" said Davis angrily. "I just don't know how."
"Maybe he needs Wormmon." said TK thoughtfully.
"I thought of that, but Matt says he won't have hatched without Ken. Besides, there's no Digiport in the hospital, so Ken can't get to the Digiworld."
"We could take Izzy's laptop." said TK. "You and Matt got in before, right? So next time you go, you can take Izzy's laptop and open a Digiport there so Ken can go through and get Wormmon."
"Why are you being so supportive? Ken was the Digimon Emperor! He's evil! We've got more important things to worry about than him." said Iori
"Ken doesn't deserve to die for what he did" said TK softly, his words carrying clearly across the room. "And I don't want his death on my conscience, so I will help him if I can."
"I hadn't thought of that" said Iori thoughtfully. "You're right TK."
"When are you and Matt next going to visit?" asked Kari.
"I don't know, he hasn't said. I'm going to go to his school now, see if we can go right away." said Davis "I bet Ken's really bored, lying in bed all day."
"You never know, he might even be glad to see us" said Matt dryly from the doorway. He nodded round at the Digidestined. "You ready Davis?"
"Yep" said Davis, picking up DemiVeemon and putting him on top of his backpack.
"You guys might as well go to the Digiworld anyway. You can keep clearing up and keep an eye on things."
"Right Matt." said TK, giving his brother a slightly pleading look. Matt just beckoned to Davis and went out. TK sighed slightly. "Digiport open!" he said.
"Do you think we'll get in?" asked Davis
"We got in yesterday. If we're careful, we should get in today. Just don't say anything stupid"
"He'd best not say anything at all then!" laughed DemiVeemon. Davis growled.
"Hello Ken, you've got visitors," said a nurse. Ken knew it must be Davis and Matt again. If it'd been his parents, she would have said. "Davis and Matt," she confirmed. "Do you want to see them?"
"Yes." said Ken. He didn't know why, but he found their presence comforting. He turned his head and watched them as they walked into the room. Davis was visibly uncertain and nervous, darting uneasy glances at the nurse Ken had in the room at all times. Matt looked calm and collected.
"Hi Ken!" said Davis enthusiastically, giving him a grin. "How are you? You look better than yesterday anyway."
"Naturally" said Ken sarcastically. "When you saw me yesterday I'd just had my stomach pumped after taking nearly a bottle and a half of Paracetamol. Obviously I wasn't looking my best." Davis looked crushed and Ken felt a momentary pang of guilt.
"You sound better too," said Matt dryly. He didn't seem to be ruffled at all by what Ken had just said to Davis, but had sat himself calmly on one of the chairs by Ken's bed and was regarding him thoughtfully.
"How long will you be connected to all those tubes?" he asked curiously.
"Until tomorrow. I don't know when they'll let me out yet though." 'Let me try again'
"I expect you'll be in for a few weeks yet." said Matt calmly. "They won't let you out of their sight until they're convinced you won't try again. But you already know that, don't you?"
Ken nodded, wondering if there was something the blond wasn't telling him.
"I've brought something for you," said Matt. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Digivice Tai had given him the night before.
"I don't want it." said Ken when he realised what it was. "You can take it away and destroy it."
"If you wanted it destroyed you would have done it yourself. You wanted this intact so you could come back to it if you changed your mind." said Matt. "It belongs to you, whether you like it or not."
Don't you tell me how I feel
You don't know just how I feel
"If you leave it here I will destroy it" said Ken quietly, not managing to hide the anger in his voice completely.
"No you won't." said Matt, sounding both as if he was simply stating a fact and as if he was making a threat. "I told you, your control spires have reactivated. The others have gone back to the Digiworld today to clean up your mess and try to find out what's going on."
"And I told you that I can be of no use to you! If all you want to do is lecture me about the Digiworld you can leave."
"Ken, we can't do it without you!" said Davis. "Stop lying there, feeling sorry for yourself and help us save the Digiworld!"
"How?"
"When you're not hooked up to those machines anymore, we're going to bring Izzy's laptop and go with you to the Digiworld. Wormmon won't hatch unless you're there, so we can't bring him to you, but we can take you to him and we will!" said Davis determinedly. "He'll forgive you, you'll see!"
"He will" said Matt, correctly interpreting Ken's raised eyebrow. "MetalGarurumon forgave me for telling him to fight Agumon."
"You fought Tai?" said Davis in shock. Ken frowned, his eyes fixed on Matt's face as he waited for Matt's answer.
"Yes. Tai and I had had a big fight and things were strained between us and the rest of the group. I told you my parents are divorced and TK and I don't live together?" Both the younger Digidestined nodded. "Well, before the divorce, things had been rough. I'd always looked after TK, he was the only person who needed me. I didn't think my parents wanted me after the divorce. TK was growing up. He told me he didn't need me, managed to get himself out of some sticky situations without any help. I began to think that TK had never needed me, that he'd rather be with the others instead of me. I went off by myself and was found by a Digimon called Cherrymon who told me that I could only achieve my potential by defeating my rival, and told me my rival was Tai. I wasn't sure what to do. Garurumon told me he'd be my friend, no matter what. My crest's the Crest of Friendship, so he digivolved into his Megaform - MetalGarurumon. I went and found the others, and attacked them, even though Tai's Digimon was in his rookie form and mine was in mega, two stages up. I changed my mind in the end, but then I left the group and set off on my own. All three of them have forgiven me now. They may not agree with what I did but they understand. Wormmon will forgive you. Your relationship will have changed, but things change all the time, and this is probably a change for the better."
"You were friends to start with. You don't even know me, and I hurt you. How can you forgive a stranger?"
"You're hurting Ken. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. The others see that, know that you are sorry for what you did." Matt looked at him, trying to see if he was getting through.
"Obviously the choice is up to you. It won't be easy, but the others will forgive you and you can be a part of the group. Alternatively, you and Wormmon can work alone, or you can forget the Digiworld altogether."
"Matt!" exclaimed Davis in horror. "You can't do that!" he told Ken. "The Digiworld'll be destroyed!"
"It's one of his options" said Matt loudly, cutting across Davis. "I hope that won't be the choice he makes, but it is one. When you've got Wormmon back, then you can make choices. But for now you can just consider your options." He looked at Ken, saw the other boy looked tired and pale.
"Do you want us to leave now, or just talk about something else?" he asked.
"Talk, I think." said Ken. Suddenly he knew that he did not want to be left alone with his thoughts. Matt began to tell him a story about one of the members of his band who dyed his hair lime green with hot pink stripes for a bet, but now couldn't get the dye out.
"And what's worse, the green had faded to a sort of snot colour, and the pink is still just as bright as it was. It looks terrible, and he can't think of a way of removing it."
"Can't he just dye it back to his original colour?" asked Davis
"It won't work because it's two colours, and he's broke so he can't afford bleach."
"Wow." said Davis, shaking his head. "I'm leaving my hair the way it is"
"What did he spend the money he won on?" asked Ken.
"Alcohol!" said Matt with a grin. "He wanted to celebrate actually having some money for a change, and spent the lot!"
"Was it a good celebration?"
Matt grinned. "One of the best. For some reason the girls flocked round him. I suppose his hair made him stand out. It looked better when it was new."
Davis laughed, and began telling Ken a story about football. After they'd been there an hour, Matt decided it was time to leave.
"Come on, your mum'll go mad if you don't get home soon." he said to Davis.
"Bye Ken!" said Davis cheerfully. "We'll bring Izzy's laptop tomorrow, when you've had all those tubes out."
"Thanks for coming" said Ken softly, so softly that Davis didn't catch it. Matt did however, and he grinned at Ken before opening the door.
"See you tomorrow" he said, shooing Davis out in front of him. Then he paused and looked at Ken.
"Here, catch." he said. He threw something at Ken before walking out of the room. Ken reached out with his right hand and caught the Digivice. At the sight of it, the good mood brought on by the cheerful patter of the two Digidestined evaporated. Silently cursing Matt, he put it carelessly onto the table and flopped back against his pillows, closing his eyes.
I stay inside my bed
I have lived so many lives all in my head
"How are you feeling now Ken?"
Ken opened his eyes and gave the doctor a blank stare. The doctor ignored it, giving him a cheerful smile.
"How do you think I feel?" he said, closing his eyes and leaning back on his pillow.
"I know things have been difficult for you lately Ken, and I'm here to tell you what's going to happen now." Ken kept his eyes closed, turning his face away from the doctor. There was no change in the doctor's voice to show that she'd been upset by this obvious insult.
"Tomorrow you'll be taken to see our psychologist, who'll talk about things with you. I'm afraid you'll have to stay in hospital until she says you can go home, but that probably won't be very long. Do you understand me Ken?" Ken stayed still, waiting.
"I'm afraid I have to stay until you tell me you've understood what I'm telling you."
"I understand. Now go away." Ken didn't even open his eyes, just lay there. He heard the doctor say something softly to the nurse, then heard her leave. No sooner had the door closed behind her then it opened again. 'What now?' thought Ken angrily.
"Ken honey, it's us." Ken rolled his eyes behind his eyelids. 'Just what I need. Weeping and wailing. If they even mention Osamu, I'm kicking them out.'
"Hello" he said flatly, keeping his head turned away.
"We brought you chocolates," his father said.
"Your favourite kind!" added his mother.
"Thank you," said Ken blankly. He could hear them moving the chairs around, making themselves comfortable. He wished he could be left in peace. He wished he had his razor.
"What did the doctor say?" asked his father.
"That I will be taken to the psychologist tomorrow, and I can only go home when she says."
"Tomorrow eh? That's good. I know you'll be home in no time." said his father, his voice sounding forced and harsh in the silent room.
"Ken baby, won't you look at us?"
Ken opened his eyes and turned to stare blankly at her. She looked at him, them dissolved into tears.
"You told me to look at you." said Ken coldly. "I have always tried to do what you want. It's hard sometimes, that's all."
"We wanted you to be happy!" his father said. "We never wanted anything like this, Ken."
Ken shrugged, turning that blank, lifeless gaze onto his father.
"I apologise for being who I am." he said quietly.
"Enough of this!" said his mother, obviously trying to be cheerful. Ken could hear her voice catching in her throat, a slightly nasal tone in her voice due to her tears.
"Let's change the subject, shall we?" She began to tell Ken a story about a woman at work. Ken turned to face her, letting his gaze drift past her until she was a blurred jumble of shapes, a jigsaw puzzle of a woman who didn't quite fit together any more. 'But no, that's me, not her, isn't it?' he thought. He was relieved when his parents left and he could give in to the tears that had been threatening to drown him.
Don't tell me that you care
There really isn't anything, is there?
Ken was quite pleased to get dressed the following day, though not so pleased to have to see the psychologist. 'More questions I can't answer.' he thought gloomily. 'If I tell them about what happened in the Digital World, will they arrest me or put me in an asylum?' Ken pondered this question in silence all the way to the office. 'I'll just say what she wants me to.' he resolved as he was shown inside. 'That'll be easier anyway.'
"Hello Ken. I'm Mrs Ameson, but you can call me Jane. Why don't you take a seat, make yourself comfortable."
The woman behind the desk was young, quite pretty in a tired sort of way, red hair pulled back off her face, a long green dress and pale blue eyes. Ken sat down quietly, folded his hands in his lap and looked at her. She gave him a smile.
"Is there anywhere you want to start? I know you probably don't want to be here, but I want you to know that anything you say in here will not be reported back to your parents, and is in fact strictly confidential, as are your medical records. We are here to help you, make you feel better."
"Where do you want to start?" asked Ken, ignoring all her words.
"What do you think is important?" she asked. Ken shrugged, keeping his gaze impassive. She waited for a while, then nodded.
"I believe you ran away from home recently. Would you like to talk about that?" she said.
"OK." said Ken. "What do you want me to tell you about it?"
"Why did you decide to run away?" she asked bluntly.
"Lots of reasons." said Ken. He debated whether to stop there, make her ask another question, but decided that seeming too hostile would count against him.
"I'm always under a lot of pressure. I suppose it all got too much. I decided to go away, try and get myself sorted out."
"And did it work?"
"No. I made things worse, just added in more problems. I don't like the person I have become."
"And who is that?"
"I don't know," lied Ken, looking at the floor. 'The Digimon Emperor,' he thought. 'Owner of living beings, who kills and tortures for fun.'
"Where did you go to?" she asked, looking at him sympathetically.
"A place I often went after my brother died. I just decided to go and not come home."
"How old were you when your brother died?"
"Eight, nearly nine. Osamu was a genius, but it didn't stop him getting knocked down by a car."
"Tell me about Osamu."
"Osamu was eleven and a genius. My parents were always really proud of him. He won lots of prizes and things. Everyone said he was such a nice little boy. He taught me how to blow soap bubbles." said Ken, falling silent as he thought about Osamu.
"Do you think about him often?"
"All the time!" said Ken, surprised by the question. "He was my older brother, and although we fought occasionally, we got on pretty well most of the time. I think about him every day, and so do my parents."
"How do you know they do?"
"I sometimes hear them talking about him at night. We've still got his certificates on the wall. Sometimes they look at me, but I know they're really seeing him."
"So when you said earlier that you are under a lot of pressure, some of it is connected to Osamu?"
Ken paused slightly. He knew the answer was yes, but he had a suspicion that the woman was getting a lot more out of this conversation that he wanted to say.
"Maybe." he said. "He was a genius, and my friend. I miss him a lot."
There was a pause.
"I believe you work very hard at school?" Jane asked, looking at him in a friendly way.
"Yes." said Ken.
"What's your favourite hobby?" Ken opened his mouth to say computers, but the word stuck in his throat.
"I don't have any hobbies." he said blankly. "Not any more."
"And why's that?"
"No reason." said Ken flatly, turning his head to look out of the window, remembering Wormmon dying in his arms.
"My information here says that you are very good with computers. Wouldn't you consider that a hobby?"
"I just told you, I don't have any hobbies!" said Ken, a note of anger sliding into his voice, no matter how hard he tried to keep it out.
"I see. Well, I think that's enough for now Ken. I'll call a nurse to take you back to the ward. I don't think you should go back to bed though. I'll arrange for someone to take you for a walk, get you some fresh air. OK?"
"OK." said Ken. The idea of going outside was quite nice. He sat in silence, listening while the psychologist called for the nurse and gave her some instructions.
Ken hadn't realised how long he had spent with the psychologist. When he returned to the ward, he found Davis and Matt waiting for him. Matt was sitting on a chair, Davis was lying on his bed, and looked like he was complaining.
"Where've you been?" asked Davis when he saw him, leaping up with a grin. "The nurse just said we could wait for you, not where you'd gone."
"Psychologist." said Ken shortly, sitting down on his bed. In one way he was glad to see them, but he really didn't want to talk about anything else that day.
"I hate them." said Matt calmly. "Interfering pigs, the lot of them!"
"Have you seen one?" asked Davis in interest, sprawling over the foot of the bed again.
"After my parents split up. I was caught shoplifting - taking lipstick. The tenth time, they decided I needed help."
"And did it help?" asked Ken despite himself.
"I would say no, I just decided to stop taking stuff because it was a pain being asked questions. My dad would say that after I went to the psychologist, my behaviour improved and my grades picked back up to what they'd been before the divorce."
"What's it like seeing a psychologist?" asked Davis, fascinated by these crazy people.
"Yap, yap, yap!" said Matt with a laugh. "You have to get in touch with your true self AND talk about it. My inner self didn't like me, so I've repressed him."
Ken laughed, unable to resist it.
"But won't that lead to psychological problems?" asked Davis in amazement.
"Probably!" said Matt. "If you see me running amok with a chainsaw, you'll know it did!"
"Wow!" said Davis. "Is TW as crazy as you?"
"Who's TW?" asked Ken curiously.
"TK, my little brother." explained Matt. "Davis forgets his name to show him that he's no real rival in the contest to win Kari's affections."
"Hey!" protested Davis.
"I don't know what you're making a fuss about, everyone knows you like Kari. Even Kari knows you like her! You've never made any attempt to hide it, so why should I?"
Davis looked puzzled and Ken laughed.
"What about you? Who do you like?" he asked Matt.
"No one really." said Matt, looking thoughtful.
"Do you know Sora likes you?" asked Davis, his confusion forgotten.
"Sora's the tall red-head?" asked Ken.
"Yes. I do know she likes me. I'm hoping if I ignore her, she'll go away." said Matt.
"That's cruel!" said Davis.
"I know, but she hasn't actually asked me out, and it's unkind to just refuse her unless she does, plus it makes me look really arrogant! If she asks me out, I'll say no."
"Why? She's quite pretty really." said Ken.
"I don't like her particularly, and besides, Tai likes her. It'd be mean to go out with her when Tai likes her."
"I don't see why it matters. If Kari wanted to go out with me, I'd say yes, never mind TH!"
"TK isn't your best friend though, and you actually like Kari. I don't like Sora in that way, and Tai and I have been friends for ever! Besides," said Matt, a wicked twinkle appearing in his eye. "Relationships are just too much bother. Time for that when I'm older."
"Most 17 year olds wouldn't say that." said Ken, who had guessed at the meaning of the twinkle, and was wondering whether Davis knew.
"I guess I'm just mature!" said Matt, exchanging a knowing grin with Ken.
"Then what do you do when you go out with the band?" asked Davis.
"Use your imagination!" said Matt with a laugh. Davis looked thoughtful for a second, then turned purple and fell off the bed.
"That's got rid of him for a while!" said Matt with a laugh. Ken snickered. "How do you feel about going to the Digital World with us tomorrow?" asked Matt casually.
The good mood created by Matt's banter instantly evaporated.
"Why do you always have to spoil it?" he asked bitterly. "Why can't you just leave it for once?"
"I'm sorry." said Matt, looking slightly taken aback by the venom in Ken's voice. Davis appeared from behind the bed, looking scared.
"I just want you to be happier in the long run, not just now, and for that I think you need Wormmon." explained Matt, refusing to back down under the force of Ken's glare. "Now, what do you say? If we can get Izzy's laptop in here, we'll go and get Wormmon from the primary village. Yes or no?"
"I don't think so. I don't want anything to do with the Digiworld."
"I know it's hard for you Ken, but you don't really have a choice. You've been chosen for a reason, even if you don't know why, and we need you. You have to go back there and face it."
You would know, wouldn't you?
"And if I can't face it? Why do you think I'm in here? I tried and I failed Matt! I can't get Wormmon back. I can't help save the Digital World. I can't even save myself. You might as well just leave and stop wasting your time."
"You're stronger than you think Ken. Everyone has bad times in their lives, everyone has times when they don't want to go on, but you've got people who want to help you. We can help you if you'll let us. Let us help you Ken."
You extend your hand to those who suffer
to those who know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
"No one can help me." said Ken softly. "I'm too far gone. This is not me, the person I was is destroyed, broken beyond repair. I am already dead inside, and if it weren't for you interfering this physical shell would be dead as well. There's nothing you can do."
"I know I can't understand Ken, but maybe this is a transitional phase, and you'll go through it and come out a better person."
Like that means something
"Don't talk rubbish Matt! That sounds like religion 'And you will be reborn in His image' or something. Don't tell me you believe in that crap."
"Religion serves a purpose, Ken. It might help you to believe that your brother is in a better place and doesn't suffer any more."
"I can believe he exists somewhere else without pain, but I can't go to him?"
and oh so sick I am
"It isn't your time yet!" said Matt feverishly, leaning forward to stare at Ken, the calm exterior gone to reveal a person talking with the fire of belief. "You will see your brother again, but not yet. He wouldn't want you to hurry to him, he'd want you to be happy. Wherever he is, he understands now. You have to wait for that understanding, and in the meantime you have to make choices as best as you can."
"But none of you will let me make my own choices! You all know what you want me to do and that's the choice you want me to make!" Ken was surprised to realise he was crying, he swiped futilely at the tears, trying to wipe them away.
and maybe I don't have a choice
and maybe that is all I have
and maybe this is a cry for help
"But Ken, we don't want you to die," said Davis. When Ken looked at him, he was surprised to see that the other boy was crying too. "We'd miss you. Please come with us Ken."
"Why are you crying?" he asked, ignoring Davis's words.
"Because you're hurting," explained Davis. "I don't like to see people hurt. Let us go with you and get Wormmon back. Things won't be better immediately, but they'll improve. Please Ken?" He stared at Ken, tears trickling down his face. There was a pause. Ken stared from him to Matt and back again. Then he nodded once, and gave in to tears again, sobbing wholeheartedly. He heard movement, felt a hand on his back. He buried his face in Matt's chest and allowed the tears to rule him. Matt stroked his hair soothingly. Ken thought he could feel a slight catch in his breathing that might mean Matt was crying too. He could hear Davis sniffling.
Presently he sat up, looking slightly embarrassed. He reached for the box of tissues on the bedside table and took some before passing the box down to Davis.
"Thank you," he said softly. "I'll go to the Digiworld as soon as we can."
"No problem" said Matt. His eyes looked red, but he didn't seem to have been crying. Davis nodded.
"It's OK Ken." he said, giving the other boy a watery grin. "I've got to go now or my mum will kill me, but we'll come back tomorrow with Izzy's laptop." Matt stood up and stretched.
"Don't worry Ken." he said. "It's all OK."
"Welcome to the team." added Davis, picking up his bag and heading for the door.
Ken smiled.
Well, there you go. I know my knowledge of procedures needed when attempted suicides are taken into hospital are sketchy, but I hope this was OK. My knowledge of psychologists is mostly obtained from the book 'The Language of Goldfish' by Zibby O'Neal and my mum's friend who is a child psychologist. Any glaring errors, please tell me in your review. Also, if anyone knows Japanese names and surnames (especially surnames!), can you provide some, as I've run out!
By the Black Goddess
Disclaimer: Yes, you guessed it, neither Digimon, nor the title belong to me. The title is from (yet again) the Nine Inch Nails album The Downward Spiral (track 8). I've edited the lyrics slightly (missing bits out) I'll put complete lyrics for all the songs up as an extra chapter.
Ken was walking through a dark wood. The trees were tall and menacing and he was nervous. The leaves were rustling, he could hear them saying
'Failure' 'Murderer' 'Coward' 'Liar' He sat down under a tree and buried his face in his hands, knowing that they were right, knowing that there was nothing to do or say to change the truth in their whispers. From his new vantage point, he could see that all the trees had his brother's face, and the leaves looked like Wormmon.
"Now you see how sorry I am!" he screamed.
Kari was slumped on the couch watching TV when she felt something dig into her hip.
"Ow!" she exclaimed. Reaching into her pocket she pulled out the Digivice which had been digging into her. She was about to put it onto the table when she realised that it wasn't hers. She frowned, remembering the strange circumstances in which she had found it. She rolled off the couch and padded down the hall to Tai's room.
"Tai?" she called. "Can I come in? I want to ask you something."
"Sure!" her brother called. Kari pulled the door to behind her and threw the Digivice at Tai, who caught it easily.
"TK and I found it by the canal, but there was no sign of anyone near. What should we do about it?"
"I've seen this before." said Tai, frowning.
"You can't have. It's not one of ours." said Kari with certainty. "TK wondered if it belongs to a new Digidestined."
"It does," said Tai, remembering where he had seen it before. "It's Ken's. Did you say you found this by the canal?"
"On a bench. It looked like it had been left there on purpose, not dropped."
"Oh God!" said Tai and dived for the door.
"What's going on?" said Kari, following her brother out of the room. Tai was at the telephone, feverishly dialling. He ignored her.
"Matt?" he said. "Oh thank God! I think Ken's killed himself!"
"What?!" said Kari and Matt at the same time.
"What's happened?" asked Matt quickly.
"Kari found his Digivice abandoned by the canal!"
"OK Tai, calm down. He might have just dropped it. Are you sure it's his?"
"Yes, I saw it on his bedside table."
"Bedside table?" asked Kari in mystification. "What's going on?"
"OK. You fill Kari in, I'll ring Ken's house and see if he's there before we go calling the police. Then I'll ring you, OK?"
"OK." said Tai. "That's probably the best idea. Bye Matt."
"Bye."
"What's going on? What were you doing in Ken's bedroom? Why do you think Ken's dead?"
"He called Davis last Friday, dead drunk and very depressed. Davis phoned here, but you were out so Matt and I went with him to Ken's. While we were trying to make him go to bed and stop him hurting himself he said some scary things. We decided to go back on Saturday to talk to him about what he said when he was sober and understood our arguments. That was when I saw his Digivice. He was really depressed, but he seemed better when we left."
"Scary things like what?"
"He said he wished he was dead, that's why I think he's killed himself."
"Why didn't you tell me? We could have tried to do something!"
"Like what? We went to talk to him on Sunday, and I thought he felt better! I thought he'd only said that because he was drunk."
"I don't know." said Kari. She looked at the Digivice in her brother's hand. "I hope he's OK"
"Believe me, so do I." said Tai glumly, staring at the phone and wondering what was happening.
Matt put the phone down quickly and dialled Ken's number. Listening to the phone ring he took several deep breaths, trying to work out what to say.
"Hello, Ichijouji residence" said a woman's voice.
"Hi, my name's Matt. Can I speak to Ken please?"
"Sure, I'll just go and get him." said the woman cheerfully. Matt groaned to himself. Why did he ever listen to anything that hysterical ex-gogglehead said? Tai had potentially put him into a quite embarrassing position here. What was he going to say when Ken came on the line?
"Ken?" he could hear Ken's mother saying. "Ken honey, phone for you" Matt heard a door open. "Ken?" the woman said again. Her voice had changed, Matt noticed uneasily. She sounded suddenly worried and unsure. What was Ken doing? "Ken, what are you doing? Oh my God! Masao, Masao! Come here quickly!"
Matt heard the sound of running feet. "Oh no" he heard a man's voice yell. Matt felt as though an icy hand had gripped his heart and was squeezing it tightly.
"I'm sorry, he can't talk to anyone right now." said Ken's mother. "Thank you for calling." There was a click as she hung up. Matt sank down on the stairs, staring at the wall. He had a horrible suspicion that Tai was right, that Ken Ichijouji had killed himself. Tai. He needed to call Tai. No, wait. Better to go round. This couldn't be shared over the phone. Matt scribbled a note for his father in case he got home early, grabbed his coat and raced out of the door.
Mrs Ichijouji put the phone down on Ken's friend and dialled an ambulance with shaking hands. She could hear her husband in her son's room, talking to him, asking him why he had done this.
"Ambulance please, as fast as you can. My son's tried to kill himself!"
"What address?" asked the person efficiently. Mrs Ichijouji recited the address. "What should we do for him?"
"If he took tablets, the paramedics will need to know exactly what he took, with an approximate quantity. If he's slit his wrists, try and stop the bleeding by applying a tourniquet around his elbows."
"Thank you. Please hurry!" She put the phone down and headed for her son's room. Ken was lying on the bed. His breathing was laboured, his skin a strange colour. He had a bucket by his face; he'd obviously been sick.
"I found this on the floor" her husband said softly, holding out a razor, stained with blood. "Ken doesn't shave! Why does he have this?"
"We need to find out what he took" she said numbly. Her baby, trying to kill himself. It was impossible. "He just made a mistake. We need to tell them." At that moment the bell rang. She let the paramedics in, then went to the medicine cabinet. As soon as she walked into the bathroom she saw the Paracetamol containers on the sink. She quickly checked the cupboard, then ran back out. Ken was being carried out of the door on a stretcher, an oxygen mask attached to his face.
"He took Paracetamol" she gasped. "A whole bottle, and some more."
"May I have those?" asked a responsible-looking woman. "It's important we know what he took so we can treat him effectively. How many were in the opened bottle?"
"I don't know. Six, eight maybe? Less than half, I'm sure."
"Is he going to be OK?" her husband asked anxiously, passing her her coat.
"I'm afraid I can't say at the moment. When we're at the hospital we'll be able to tell you more." Mrs Ichijouji followed her husband and the paramedics to the ambulance where her son lay. Only when she sat inside it, staring at her son's face, did the tears come.
Kari and Tai were sitting in Tai's room in silence, listening for the phone when the doorbell rang. They both jumped, then sat back.
"Thought that was the phone" said Tai.
"Yeah" said Kari. Their mother answered the door; they could hear a muffled conversation, then footsteps. Suddenly the door opened and Matt appeared.
"Your mother says I can't stay long." he said by way of greeting.
"It's bad news, isn't it?" said Kari. "Was he not there?" The normally calm Matt looked flustered, dishevelled. Matt sat down on the floor and nodded.
"I rang up and asked to speak to him. His mother said no problem, she'd just fetch him. I heard her calling for him, then she went into his room. The next thing I know, she's yelling for her husband, saying basically "Oh my God, come quick, come quick!" Then she came back to the phone, said he couldn't speak to anyone right now, thanked me for calling and hung up."
"That doesn't sound good." said Tai softly. "Do you think he's dead?"
"I've no idea." said Matt shortly. "Ken's clever though, so I expect that he will be."
"What does being clever have to do with it?" asked Kari.
"He'll know the most effective way to kill yourself and won't mess about with a half-hearted attempt. If death is what he wants, I should think he'll achieve it." said Matt quietly.
"That's horrible" said Tai. Kari noticed he was crying. She felt strange herself. The Digimon Emperor suddenly seemed a long time ago. All she could see was the boy he had become, crying in the desert as his Digimon disappeared. He was her age and he had tried to take his own life. It sounded so bad when you put it like that, but she couldn't feel it. Someone she'd barely known was dying, it was tragic but it wouldn't really affect her.
"I should tell Davis" said Matt quietly. "I think he'll want to know."
"Do you want to borrow the phone?" asked Tai, wiping his eyes in a futile attempt to stop the tears.
"I'd better tell him face-to-face. This isn't the sort of thing you tell people over the phone."
"What about the others?" asked Tai, seeming to pull himself together slightly.
"I'll go and see them too. TK lives in the same apartment building as the other two. I'd better tell them if I tell him." Matt voice had hardened, and Kari looked at him in surprise. Tai knew that Matt and TK had had quite an argument on the subject of Ken, so Matt's tone was not surprising to him.
"Don't be too hard on him Matt. He didn't know." he said gently. "Don't make him feel you blame him."
"Stupid kid. I'm going to tell him, then leave."
"It's not his fault. It's no-one's fault" said Tai earnestly. Kari frowned, watching them, trying to piece together the information that she didn't know.
"Or it's everyone's. You were there, you heard what he said. We should've tried harder." said Matt.
"You can't blame yourself either!" said Tai. "Ken chose this! You tried as best you could to get TK on Davis's side and to help Ken. Maybe there are other things we don't know. What happened in the Digital World was only the last in a long chain of problems for Ken. You couldn't ever have fixed them all."
"I could have checked up on him more. I knew he might do something like this, and I didn't try to talk to him more."
"Matt, this isn't the time for blame" said Kari softly. "Maybe there never will be a time for blame. I know I don't know the full story, but that's not important now. What's happened has happened. If Ken lives then he'll get the help he needs from professionals. If he dies, then blaming yourself will do no good. He chose this. You may not want to accept it, but Ken chose to do whatever he did. We need to be prepared now, to support Ken when he gets better, or to break the news to Wormmon that he's dead."
"I know." said Matt, sounding apologetic, yet angry all at once. "Saying that's the easy part, but, like you said, you don't know the full story. It's much harder to actually carry out advice than to give it. I'll never forget the things he said Kari. And if he dies, I will always feel guilty."
There was an uncomfortable pause.
"Well, I'd better go. I'll go and see the others, then head for the hospital and see if I can find out any more information. I'll ring you in the morning if I find out anything else, OK?" said Matt eventually.
"Yeah. Bye Matt." said Tai, getting up and showing his friend out. Kari followed them, then headed for her own room where she lay on her bed, thinking about Ken Ichijouji.
"Doctor, can you tell us anything yet?" asked Mrs Ichijouji pleadingly. As soon as they had arrived at the hospital, she and her husband had been ushered into a waiting room, where they had been since. They had only been there for half an hour, but to them it seemed like an eternity.
"It's really too soon to give an exact prognosis. We've taken blood samples to get an idea of what has been absorbed into your son's body, and he has had his stomach pumped. At the moment he is stable, and we're administering drugs to try and prevent further liver damage. You can come and see him now."
"Oh thank you!" sobbed Mrs Ichijouji as they were taken through into the room where their son lay pale on the bed.
"Oh Ken, why did you do this?" she sobbed, taking hold of one of her son's limp hands. "You know we love you more than anything, so why would you do this? Please don't die Ken, please don't die."
I'm losing ground
You know how this world can beat you down
I'm made of clay
I fear I'm the only one who thinks this way
Ken stood up and began to walk again, desperate to get away from the whispered chant of 'Murderer'. He began to make his way up a rocky path, heading towards the sound of rushing water.
'I thought there was supposed to be light' he thought as he made his stumbling way towards the distant sound. 'I'm sure you're supposed to head towards the light. Maybe that's another lie. If I reach the water, I can have a drink. Maybe that'll make my throat feel better.' He struggled onwards.
TK answered the door to find his brother standing outside.
"Hi Matt, I didn't know you were coming!" he said, opening the door so his brother could come inside.
"I can't stay long." said Matt. Only now could his brother see the strained expression on his brother's face.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Ken Ichijouji." said Matt without preamble. "We think he's tried to kill himself."
"What?!" exclaimed TK, staring at his brother in shock. "If this is a joke..."
"Don't be ridiculous!" snapped Matt. "You found his Digivice by the canal. When Kari showed it to Tai, he recognised it and called me. I called the Ichijouji's to find out if he was there and OK. His mum went into his room, I heard a lot of panicked yelling and then she hung up on me. I think from what she said she went into his room and found him unconscious or dead." TK stared at his brother in horror. Matt looked back, doing his best to make his face impassive.
"I've got to tell Yolei and Iori while I'm here. I'm going to call in at Davis's on the way to the hospital."
"Oh God" said TK.
"I'm sorry," said Matt. "I've got to go. Maybe you should ring Kari or something - talk to someone."
"Was it my fault?" asked TK, clutching at his brother as Matt turned to leave. Matt was forcibly reminded of how TK had looked in the Digiworld, of the little brother he had wanted to protect.
"Of course not." he said as soothingly as possible. "From what I saw, I don't think anyone could have done anything. Don't worry TK, I'm sure it'll be OK. You go and phone Kari, then get some sleep. Kari'll tell you tomorrow if there's any news." TK nodded dumbly, looking stunned. Matt prodded his brother gently in the direction of the phone before letting himself out.
I'm always falling down the same hill
bamboo puncturing this skin
and nothing comes bleeding out like a waterfall I'm drowning in
Ken was finding the hill a struggle. He throat hurt so much he could barely breath, as if he was choking on something huge and round. He could still hear the voices around him, even though the Wormmon trees were behind him now.
"Will I ever get to the water?" he gasped aloud. "Is there no end to this?" He was incredibly relieved when he finally reached the top of the hill. A small waterfall was gushing out of a channel in a rock into a lake. Ken headed quickly for the side of the lake and drank deeply. The water didn't seem to be easing the pain in his throat, but at least it didn't seem to be making it worse. Ken's body was drenched with sweat, and the land around him was beginning to become blurred around the edges, giving the whole place an unreal air. Ken stopped drinking and washed his face in the water. When he was done, he sat there, watching the ripples fade away and his reflection appear in the water. He suddenly looked at the face staring up at him more closely.
"That's not me!" he gasped, horror filling him as he gazed into the lake and saw the Digimon Emperor staring back. "That's not who I am! I'm not him! I didn't know what I was doing!" His tears fell onto the surface of the water, distorting the reflection. Ken suddenly looked closer in surprise.
"Osamu!" he exclaimed, the Digimon Emperor forgotten. Without a pause, Ken leaned forwards and fell headfirst into the lake
2 feet below the surface I can still make out your wavy face
and if I could just reach you maybe I could leave this place
The first thing that Ken felt was pain. His throat hurt, a lot. He opened his eyes, wincing at the brightness of the light that surrounded him.
"Oh Ken, you're awake! We've been so worried!"
"Doctor, he's awake!"
"Where am I?" asked Ken, his voice a hoarse croak.
"In the hospital. Your throat hurts because we had to pump your stomach. You took a lot of pills."
"Oh yes." said Ken gloomily. He closed his eyes again. 'Why couldn't you just let me go?' he thought despairingly, tears beginning to leak from under his eyelids.
Matt took a deep breath before knocking on Davis's door. He knew the new leader of the Digidestined had been very affected by what he had seen and heard at Ken's, and knew this news would hit him hard. He also knew that there was a possibility that Jun would open the door. His worst fears were answered when she did.
"Matt! You came to see me? Oh how sweet. Come on in, I'll make you a drink."
"Actually, I came to see Davis." said Matt, remaining on the doorstep.
"It's sweet that you want to include my brother, but you don't have to take being kind to the afflicted that far."
"This is important, Jun. I need to speak to Davis now. One of our friends is in hospital. Please go and get him"
"Oh." said Jun, looking rather startled. "Davis! Matt's here!" she yelled. Davis appeared rather suddenly and fell over.
"Are you OK?" asked Matt as Davis staggered to his feet, rubbing his elbow.
"He does that all the time. He's such a jerk." confided Jun.
"Get lost dumbass! What is it Matt?"
"It's Ken. We think he tried to kill himself. I'm on my way to the hospital now."
Davis looked stunned for a second. Jun looked shocked. Davis typically didn't bother with the 'Are you sure?' and 'how do you know?' that everyone else had asked.
"I'm coming with you," he said determinedly. "Poor Ken! When he wakes up he might need us"
"OK then, come on." said Matt, deciding not to tell Davis that the chances of them actually being allowed anywhere near Ken (if he was still alive) were slim to none. Davis hurried off to grab his coat, Jun stood staring at Matt in shock.
"You'll tell Mum where I've gone won't you?" he asked his sister on the way out. She nodded, looking confused, and Davis shut the door in her face.
"What's the quickest way?" he asked, setting off briskly down the street.
"We're here to see Ken Ichijouji." said Matt calmly, keeping his hand on Davis's arm to remind the excitable boy that he was to keep quiet and back Matt up.
"Are you family?"
"Yes, we're cousins." said Matt smoothly, crossing his fingers behind his back.
"Let me check." said the nurse efficiently. "Third door on the right. Ask again at the nurses station."
"Thank you." said Matt, giving her a smile. The pulled at Davis's arm and began to walk along the corridor.
"Why did you say we were cousins?" whispered Davis.
"Because they wouldn't have let us in if we weren't related!" hissed Matt. "Now, keep quiet! This may still not work."
"We've come to see Ken Ichijouji" repeated Matt to the nurse in charge of the ward.
"Names?"
"Matt and Davis."
"I'll see if he wants to see you."
Ken was lying on his bed, trying to pretend he couldn't hear his parents questions. When the door opened, he opened his eyes, hoping that someone would take them away. It was getting late, surely they wouldn't allow his parents to stay here overnight. He didn't understand why the doctor in the room had let them keep talking to him anyway. Couldn't they see he was upset?
"Ken, there are two boys to see you, Davis and Matt. Do you want to see them?"
"Yes" said Ken softly. It was the first word he had spoken since he had come around and found out where he was.
"I'll bring them."
"Who are they?" asked Mrs Ichijouji when the nurse had gone. The other doctor looked up sharply. Ken refused to answer.
"How did you know?" he asked blandly as Matt and Davis entered the door. Matt still had his hand on Davis's arm, restraining him.
"Kari found your Digivice by the canal." said Matt bluntly. "She showed Tai, who phoned me. I phoned yours, and your mum went and found you."
"You saved our son!" exclaimed Mrs Ichijouji, and raced over to hug Matt, who looked terrified.
"I wish you'd mind your own business." said Ken quietly.
"How can we?" said Davis, who'd managed to extract himself from Matt when Mrs Ichijouji went to hug him. "We need you Ken! You're part of the team - we won't win without you."
"I don't think this is the time to put pressure on him." said the doctor quickly. "I think the best thing for Ken now is to be left to get some rest."
"We all need to work together." said Matt, extricating himself from Ken's mother, who was still sobbing. "If we hadn't all been there, we couldn't have won the first time. Without you, the others won't be strong enough. Your control spires have rendered us useless, and we need you to come and fix them."
"They're deactivated." said Ken flatly. "I can barely remember how they work. Besides, without Wormmon I'm useless anyway."
"Don't be silly! You're the brainiest of everyone!" said Davis.
"Ken needs to rest." said the doctor firmly. "Everyone must leave now."
"We'll see you soon!" called Davis. Matt nodded, and the two left. Ken's parents left too (much more reluctantly) and Ken was left with just the doctor.
"Aren't you going?" asked Ken.
"I'm afraid we can't leave you alone right now Ken. I'll be here with you until one of the nurses arrives." Ken nodded, turned away as best as he could considering he was still attached to the tubes. He allowed himself to drift into a despairing, angry fantasy of the perfect death. Next time he would succeed.
I do not want this
"We need to find Wormmon" said Davis as he and Matt walked away from the hospital. "Ken needs him."
"The Digiegg won't hatch unless Ken's there. We need to get Ken to the Digital World."
"How are we going to do that? He's hooked up to all those tubes and things."
"I don't know. Don't forget to tell the others about this tomorrow," said Matt, as Davis walked off towards his own apartment. He then headed to Tai's.
"He's not dead." he said when Tai opened the door. "We didn't see him for long."
"You saw him? Don't they only let relatives in?"
"I said we were cousins, and the nurse didn't check."
"Lucky. Is he going to be OK?"
"I don't know really. He looked pretty bad, but his parents didn't look or act like they were expecting him to drop dead at any moment."
"Is there anything we can do?" asked Tai with concern.
"Probably only send cards and flowers and stuff. He really needs Wormmon, but for that he needs to get into the Digiworld."
"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow Matt."
"Goodnight Tai" said Matt. As he turned away, he heard Tai call his name and turned in time to catch something that Tai threw at him. It was Ken's Digivice. Matt nodded and put it into his pocket.
Davis was quiet in school the next day. He had told the other Digidestined about what happened at the hospital, but to anyone else who asked he simply said he hadn't slept very well.
"We need to help Ken" he told the others that afternoon in the computer lab. "He needs friends to support him now."
"But we aren't his friends." said Yolei reasonably. "We're more like enemies than friends, and anyway, we don't even know him. I don't think he'd like it if we showed up and started butting in."
"He's a Digidestined just like us and we need to help him!" said Davis angrily. "I just don't know how."
"Maybe he needs Wormmon." said TK thoughtfully.
"I thought of that, but Matt says he won't have hatched without Ken. Besides, there's no Digiport in the hospital, so Ken can't get to the Digiworld."
"We could take Izzy's laptop." said TK. "You and Matt got in before, right? So next time you go, you can take Izzy's laptop and open a Digiport there so Ken can go through and get Wormmon."
"Why are you being so supportive? Ken was the Digimon Emperor! He's evil! We've got more important things to worry about than him." said Iori
"Ken doesn't deserve to die for what he did" said TK softly, his words carrying clearly across the room. "And I don't want his death on my conscience, so I will help him if I can."
"I hadn't thought of that" said Iori thoughtfully. "You're right TK."
"When are you and Matt next going to visit?" asked Kari.
"I don't know, he hasn't said. I'm going to go to his school now, see if we can go right away." said Davis "I bet Ken's really bored, lying in bed all day."
"You never know, he might even be glad to see us" said Matt dryly from the doorway. He nodded round at the Digidestined. "You ready Davis?"
"Yep" said Davis, picking up DemiVeemon and putting him on top of his backpack.
"You guys might as well go to the Digiworld anyway. You can keep clearing up and keep an eye on things."
"Right Matt." said TK, giving his brother a slightly pleading look. Matt just beckoned to Davis and went out. TK sighed slightly. "Digiport open!" he said.
"Do you think we'll get in?" asked Davis
"We got in yesterday. If we're careful, we should get in today. Just don't say anything stupid"
"He'd best not say anything at all then!" laughed DemiVeemon. Davis growled.
"Hello Ken, you've got visitors," said a nurse. Ken knew it must be Davis and Matt again. If it'd been his parents, she would have said. "Davis and Matt," she confirmed. "Do you want to see them?"
"Yes." said Ken. He didn't know why, but he found their presence comforting. He turned his head and watched them as they walked into the room. Davis was visibly uncertain and nervous, darting uneasy glances at the nurse Ken had in the room at all times. Matt looked calm and collected.
"Hi Ken!" said Davis enthusiastically, giving him a grin. "How are you? You look better than yesterday anyway."
"Naturally" said Ken sarcastically. "When you saw me yesterday I'd just had my stomach pumped after taking nearly a bottle and a half of Paracetamol. Obviously I wasn't looking my best." Davis looked crushed and Ken felt a momentary pang of guilt.
"You sound better too," said Matt dryly. He didn't seem to be ruffled at all by what Ken had just said to Davis, but had sat himself calmly on one of the chairs by Ken's bed and was regarding him thoughtfully.
"How long will you be connected to all those tubes?" he asked curiously.
"Until tomorrow. I don't know when they'll let me out yet though." 'Let me try again'
"I expect you'll be in for a few weeks yet." said Matt calmly. "They won't let you out of their sight until they're convinced you won't try again. But you already know that, don't you?"
Ken nodded, wondering if there was something the blond wasn't telling him.
"I've brought something for you," said Matt. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the Digivice Tai had given him the night before.
"I don't want it." said Ken when he realised what it was. "You can take it away and destroy it."
"If you wanted it destroyed you would have done it yourself. You wanted this intact so you could come back to it if you changed your mind." said Matt. "It belongs to you, whether you like it or not."
Don't you tell me how I feel
You don't know just how I feel
"If you leave it here I will destroy it" said Ken quietly, not managing to hide the anger in his voice completely.
"No you won't." said Matt, sounding both as if he was simply stating a fact and as if he was making a threat. "I told you, your control spires have reactivated. The others have gone back to the Digiworld today to clean up your mess and try to find out what's going on."
"And I told you that I can be of no use to you! If all you want to do is lecture me about the Digiworld you can leave."
"Ken, we can't do it without you!" said Davis. "Stop lying there, feeling sorry for yourself and help us save the Digiworld!"
"How?"
"When you're not hooked up to those machines anymore, we're going to bring Izzy's laptop and go with you to the Digiworld. Wormmon won't hatch unless you're there, so we can't bring him to you, but we can take you to him and we will!" said Davis determinedly. "He'll forgive you, you'll see!"
"He will" said Matt, correctly interpreting Ken's raised eyebrow. "MetalGarurumon forgave me for telling him to fight Agumon."
"You fought Tai?" said Davis in shock. Ken frowned, his eyes fixed on Matt's face as he waited for Matt's answer.
"Yes. Tai and I had had a big fight and things were strained between us and the rest of the group. I told you my parents are divorced and TK and I don't live together?" Both the younger Digidestined nodded. "Well, before the divorce, things had been rough. I'd always looked after TK, he was the only person who needed me. I didn't think my parents wanted me after the divorce. TK was growing up. He told me he didn't need me, managed to get himself out of some sticky situations without any help. I began to think that TK had never needed me, that he'd rather be with the others instead of me. I went off by myself and was found by a Digimon called Cherrymon who told me that I could only achieve my potential by defeating my rival, and told me my rival was Tai. I wasn't sure what to do. Garurumon told me he'd be my friend, no matter what. My crest's the Crest of Friendship, so he digivolved into his Megaform - MetalGarurumon. I went and found the others, and attacked them, even though Tai's Digimon was in his rookie form and mine was in mega, two stages up. I changed my mind in the end, but then I left the group and set off on my own. All three of them have forgiven me now. They may not agree with what I did but they understand. Wormmon will forgive you. Your relationship will have changed, but things change all the time, and this is probably a change for the better."
"You were friends to start with. You don't even know me, and I hurt you. How can you forgive a stranger?"
"You're hurting Ken. You wouldn't be here if you weren't. The others see that, know that you are sorry for what you did." Matt looked at him, trying to see if he was getting through.
"Obviously the choice is up to you. It won't be easy, but the others will forgive you and you can be a part of the group. Alternatively, you and Wormmon can work alone, or you can forget the Digiworld altogether."
"Matt!" exclaimed Davis in horror. "You can't do that!" he told Ken. "The Digiworld'll be destroyed!"
"It's one of his options" said Matt loudly, cutting across Davis. "I hope that won't be the choice he makes, but it is one. When you've got Wormmon back, then you can make choices. But for now you can just consider your options." He looked at Ken, saw the other boy looked tired and pale.
"Do you want us to leave now, or just talk about something else?" he asked.
"Talk, I think." said Ken. Suddenly he knew that he did not want to be left alone with his thoughts. Matt began to tell him a story about one of the members of his band who dyed his hair lime green with hot pink stripes for a bet, but now couldn't get the dye out.
"And what's worse, the green had faded to a sort of snot colour, and the pink is still just as bright as it was. It looks terrible, and he can't think of a way of removing it."
"Can't he just dye it back to his original colour?" asked Davis
"It won't work because it's two colours, and he's broke so he can't afford bleach."
"Wow." said Davis, shaking his head. "I'm leaving my hair the way it is"
"What did he spend the money he won on?" asked Ken.
"Alcohol!" said Matt with a grin. "He wanted to celebrate actually having some money for a change, and spent the lot!"
"Was it a good celebration?"
Matt grinned. "One of the best. For some reason the girls flocked round him. I suppose his hair made him stand out. It looked better when it was new."
Davis laughed, and began telling Ken a story about football. After they'd been there an hour, Matt decided it was time to leave.
"Come on, your mum'll go mad if you don't get home soon." he said to Davis.
"Bye Ken!" said Davis cheerfully. "We'll bring Izzy's laptop tomorrow, when you've had all those tubes out."
"Thanks for coming" said Ken softly, so softly that Davis didn't catch it. Matt did however, and he grinned at Ken before opening the door.
"See you tomorrow" he said, shooing Davis out in front of him. Then he paused and looked at Ken.
"Here, catch." he said. He threw something at Ken before walking out of the room. Ken reached out with his right hand and caught the Digivice. At the sight of it, the good mood brought on by the cheerful patter of the two Digidestined evaporated. Silently cursing Matt, he put it carelessly onto the table and flopped back against his pillows, closing his eyes.
I stay inside my bed
I have lived so many lives all in my head
"How are you feeling now Ken?"
Ken opened his eyes and gave the doctor a blank stare. The doctor ignored it, giving him a cheerful smile.
"How do you think I feel?" he said, closing his eyes and leaning back on his pillow.
"I know things have been difficult for you lately Ken, and I'm here to tell you what's going to happen now." Ken kept his eyes closed, turning his face away from the doctor. There was no change in the doctor's voice to show that she'd been upset by this obvious insult.
"Tomorrow you'll be taken to see our psychologist, who'll talk about things with you. I'm afraid you'll have to stay in hospital until she says you can go home, but that probably won't be very long. Do you understand me Ken?" Ken stayed still, waiting.
"I'm afraid I have to stay until you tell me you've understood what I'm telling you."
"I understand. Now go away." Ken didn't even open his eyes, just lay there. He heard the doctor say something softly to the nurse, then heard her leave. No sooner had the door closed behind her then it opened again. 'What now?' thought Ken angrily.
"Ken honey, it's us." Ken rolled his eyes behind his eyelids. 'Just what I need. Weeping and wailing. If they even mention Osamu, I'm kicking them out.'
"Hello" he said flatly, keeping his head turned away.
"We brought you chocolates," his father said.
"Your favourite kind!" added his mother.
"Thank you," said Ken blankly. He could hear them moving the chairs around, making themselves comfortable. He wished he could be left in peace. He wished he had his razor.
"What did the doctor say?" asked his father.
"That I will be taken to the psychologist tomorrow, and I can only go home when she says."
"Tomorrow eh? That's good. I know you'll be home in no time." said his father, his voice sounding forced and harsh in the silent room.
"Ken baby, won't you look at us?"
Ken opened his eyes and turned to stare blankly at her. She looked at him, them dissolved into tears.
"You told me to look at you." said Ken coldly. "I have always tried to do what you want. It's hard sometimes, that's all."
"We wanted you to be happy!" his father said. "We never wanted anything like this, Ken."
Ken shrugged, turning that blank, lifeless gaze onto his father.
"I apologise for being who I am." he said quietly.
"Enough of this!" said his mother, obviously trying to be cheerful. Ken could hear her voice catching in her throat, a slightly nasal tone in her voice due to her tears.
"Let's change the subject, shall we?" She began to tell Ken a story about a woman at work. Ken turned to face her, letting his gaze drift past her until she was a blurred jumble of shapes, a jigsaw puzzle of a woman who didn't quite fit together any more. 'But no, that's me, not her, isn't it?' he thought. He was relieved when his parents left and he could give in to the tears that had been threatening to drown him.
Don't tell me that you care
There really isn't anything, is there?
Ken was quite pleased to get dressed the following day, though not so pleased to have to see the psychologist. 'More questions I can't answer.' he thought gloomily. 'If I tell them about what happened in the Digital World, will they arrest me or put me in an asylum?' Ken pondered this question in silence all the way to the office. 'I'll just say what she wants me to.' he resolved as he was shown inside. 'That'll be easier anyway.'
"Hello Ken. I'm Mrs Ameson, but you can call me Jane. Why don't you take a seat, make yourself comfortable."
The woman behind the desk was young, quite pretty in a tired sort of way, red hair pulled back off her face, a long green dress and pale blue eyes. Ken sat down quietly, folded his hands in his lap and looked at her. She gave him a smile.
"Is there anywhere you want to start? I know you probably don't want to be here, but I want you to know that anything you say in here will not be reported back to your parents, and is in fact strictly confidential, as are your medical records. We are here to help you, make you feel better."
"Where do you want to start?" asked Ken, ignoring all her words.
"What do you think is important?" she asked. Ken shrugged, keeping his gaze impassive. She waited for a while, then nodded.
"I believe you ran away from home recently. Would you like to talk about that?" she said.
"OK." said Ken. "What do you want me to tell you about it?"
"Why did you decide to run away?" she asked bluntly.
"Lots of reasons." said Ken. He debated whether to stop there, make her ask another question, but decided that seeming too hostile would count against him.
"I'm always under a lot of pressure. I suppose it all got too much. I decided to go away, try and get myself sorted out."
"And did it work?"
"No. I made things worse, just added in more problems. I don't like the person I have become."
"And who is that?"
"I don't know," lied Ken, looking at the floor. 'The Digimon Emperor,' he thought. 'Owner of living beings, who kills and tortures for fun.'
"Where did you go to?" she asked, looking at him sympathetically.
"A place I often went after my brother died. I just decided to go and not come home."
"How old were you when your brother died?"
"Eight, nearly nine. Osamu was a genius, but it didn't stop him getting knocked down by a car."
"Tell me about Osamu."
"Osamu was eleven and a genius. My parents were always really proud of him. He won lots of prizes and things. Everyone said he was such a nice little boy. He taught me how to blow soap bubbles." said Ken, falling silent as he thought about Osamu.
"Do you think about him often?"
"All the time!" said Ken, surprised by the question. "He was my older brother, and although we fought occasionally, we got on pretty well most of the time. I think about him every day, and so do my parents."
"How do you know they do?"
"I sometimes hear them talking about him at night. We've still got his certificates on the wall. Sometimes they look at me, but I know they're really seeing him."
"So when you said earlier that you are under a lot of pressure, some of it is connected to Osamu?"
Ken paused slightly. He knew the answer was yes, but he had a suspicion that the woman was getting a lot more out of this conversation that he wanted to say.
"Maybe." he said. "He was a genius, and my friend. I miss him a lot."
There was a pause.
"I believe you work very hard at school?" Jane asked, looking at him in a friendly way.
"Yes." said Ken.
"What's your favourite hobby?" Ken opened his mouth to say computers, but the word stuck in his throat.
"I don't have any hobbies." he said blankly. "Not any more."
"And why's that?"
"No reason." said Ken flatly, turning his head to look out of the window, remembering Wormmon dying in his arms.
"My information here says that you are very good with computers. Wouldn't you consider that a hobby?"
"I just told you, I don't have any hobbies!" said Ken, a note of anger sliding into his voice, no matter how hard he tried to keep it out.
"I see. Well, I think that's enough for now Ken. I'll call a nurse to take you back to the ward. I don't think you should go back to bed though. I'll arrange for someone to take you for a walk, get you some fresh air. OK?"
"OK." said Ken. The idea of going outside was quite nice. He sat in silence, listening while the psychologist called for the nurse and gave her some instructions.
Ken hadn't realised how long he had spent with the psychologist. When he returned to the ward, he found Davis and Matt waiting for him. Matt was sitting on a chair, Davis was lying on his bed, and looked like he was complaining.
"Where've you been?" asked Davis when he saw him, leaping up with a grin. "The nurse just said we could wait for you, not where you'd gone."
"Psychologist." said Ken shortly, sitting down on his bed. In one way he was glad to see them, but he really didn't want to talk about anything else that day.
"I hate them." said Matt calmly. "Interfering pigs, the lot of them!"
"Have you seen one?" asked Davis in interest, sprawling over the foot of the bed again.
"After my parents split up. I was caught shoplifting - taking lipstick. The tenth time, they decided I needed help."
"And did it help?" asked Ken despite himself.
"I would say no, I just decided to stop taking stuff because it was a pain being asked questions. My dad would say that after I went to the psychologist, my behaviour improved and my grades picked back up to what they'd been before the divorce."
"What's it like seeing a psychologist?" asked Davis, fascinated by these crazy people.
"Yap, yap, yap!" said Matt with a laugh. "You have to get in touch with your true self AND talk about it. My inner self didn't like me, so I've repressed him."
Ken laughed, unable to resist it.
"But won't that lead to psychological problems?" asked Davis in amazement.
"Probably!" said Matt. "If you see me running amok with a chainsaw, you'll know it did!"
"Wow!" said Davis. "Is TW as crazy as you?"
"Who's TW?" asked Ken curiously.
"TK, my little brother." explained Matt. "Davis forgets his name to show him that he's no real rival in the contest to win Kari's affections."
"Hey!" protested Davis.
"I don't know what you're making a fuss about, everyone knows you like Kari. Even Kari knows you like her! You've never made any attempt to hide it, so why should I?"
Davis looked puzzled and Ken laughed.
"What about you? Who do you like?" he asked Matt.
"No one really." said Matt, looking thoughtful.
"Do you know Sora likes you?" asked Davis, his confusion forgotten.
"Sora's the tall red-head?" asked Ken.
"Yes. I do know she likes me. I'm hoping if I ignore her, she'll go away." said Matt.
"That's cruel!" said Davis.
"I know, but she hasn't actually asked me out, and it's unkind to just refuse her unless she does, plus it makes me look really arrogant! If she asks me out, I'll say no."
"Why? She's quite pretty really." said Ken.
"I don't like her particularly, and besides, Tai likes her. It'd be mean to go out with her when Tai likes her."
"I don't see why it matters. If Kari wanted to go out with me, I'd say yes, never mind TH!"
"TK isn't your best friend though, and you actually like Kari. I don't like Sora in that way, and Tai and I have been friends for ever! Besides," said Matt, a wicked twinkle appearing in his eye. "Relationships are just too much bother. Time for that when I'm older."
"Most 17 year olds wouldn't say that." said Ken, who had guessed at the meaning of the twinkle, and was wondering whether Davis knew.
"I guess I'm just mature!" said Matt, exchanging a knowing grin with Ken.
"Then what do you do when you go out with the band?" asked Davis.
"Use your imagination!" said Matt with a laugh. Davis looked thoughtful for a second, then turned purple and fell off the bed.
"That's got rid of him for a while!" said Matt with a laugh. Ken snickered. "How do you feel about going to the Digital World with us tomorrow?" asked Matt casually.
The good mood created by Matt's banter instantly evaporated.
"Why do you always have to spoil it?" he asked bitterly. "Why can't you just leave it for once?"
"I'm sorry." said Matt, looking slightly taken aback by the venom in Ken's voice. Davis appeared from behind the bed, looking scared.
"I just want you to be happier in the long run, not just now, and for that I think you need Wormmon." explained Matt, refusing to back down under the force of Ken's glare. "Now, what do you say? If we can get Izzy's laptop in here, we'll go and get Wormmon from the primary village. Yes or no?"
"I don't think so. I don't want anything to do with the Digiworld."
"I know it's hard for you Ken, but you don't really have a choice. You've been chosen for a reason, even if you don't know why, and we need you. You have to go back there and face it."
You would know, wouldn't you?
"And if I can't face it? Why do you think I'm in here? I tried and I failed Matt! I can't get Wormmon back. I can't help save the Digital World. I can't even save myself. You might as well just leave and stop wasting your time."
"You're stronger than you think Ken. Everyone has bad times in their lives, everyone has times when they don't want to go on, but you've got people who want to help you. We can help you if you'll let us. Let us help you Ken."
You extend your hand to those who suffer
to those who know what it really feels like
to those who've had a taste
"No one can help me." said Ken softly. "I'm too far gone. This is not me, the person I was is destroyed, broken beyond repair. I am already dead inside, and if it weren't for you interfering this physical shell would be dead as well. There's nothing you can do."
"I know I can't understand Ken, but maybe this is a transitional phase, and you'll go through it and come out a better person."
Like that means something
"Don't talk rubbish Matt! That sounds like religion 'And you will be reborn in His image' or something. Don't tell me you believe in that crap."
"Religion serves a purpose, Ken. It might help you to believe that your brother is in a better place and doesn't suffer any more."
"I can believe he exists somewhere else without pain, but I can't go to him?"
and oh so sick I am
"It isn't your time yet!" said Matt feverishly, leaning forward to stare at Ken, the calm exterior gone to reveal a person talking with the fire of belief. "You will see your brother again, but not yet. He wouldn't want you to hurry to him, he'd want you to be happy. Wherever he is, he understands now. You have to wait for that understanding, and in the meantime you have to make choices as best as you can."
"But none of you will let me make my own choices! You all know what you want me to do and that's the choice you want me to make!" Ken was surprised to realise he was crying, he swiped futilely at the tears, trying to wipe them away.
and maybe I don't have a choice
and maybe that is all I have
and maybe this is a cry for help
"But Ken, we don't want you to die," said Davis. When Ken looked at him, he was surprised to see that the other boy was crying too. "We'd miss you. Please come with us Ken."
"Why are you crying?" he asked, ignoring Davis's words.
"Because you're hurting," explained Davis. "I don't like to see people hurt. Let us go with you and get Wormmon back. Things won't be better immediately, but they'll improve. Please Ken?" He stared at Ken, tears trickling down his face. There was a pause. Ken stared from him to Matt and back again. Then he nodded once, and gave in to tears again, sobbing wholeheartedly. He heard movement, felt a hand on his back. He buried his face in Matt's chest and allowed the tears to rule him. Matt stroked his hair soothingly. Ken thought he could feel a slight catch in his breathing that might mean Matt was crying too. He could hear Davis sniffling.
Presently he sat up, looking slightly embarrassed. He reached for the box of tissues on the bedside table and took some before passing the box down to Davis.
"Thank you," he said softly. "I'll go to the Digiworld as soon as we can."
"No problem" said Matt. His eyes looked red, but he didn't seem to have been crying. Davis nodded.
"It's OK Ken." he said, giving the other boy a watery grin. "I've got to go now or my mum will kill me, but we'll come back tomorrow with Izzy's laptop." Matt stood up and stretched.
"Don't worry Ken." he said. "It's all OK."
"Welcome to the team." added Davis, picking up his bag and heading for the door.
Ken smiled.
Well, there you go. I know my knowledge of procedures needed when attempted suicides are taken into hospital are sketchy, but I hope this was OK. My knowledge of psychologists is mostly obtained from the book 'The Language of Goldfish' by Zibby O'Neal and my mum's friend who is a child psychologist. Any glaring errors, please tell me in your review. Also, if anyone knows Japanese names and surnames (especially surnames!), can you provide some, as I've run out!
