Hey guys. I really don't have an excuse for not updating this more often, but it's something I like to lose myself in from time to time and if I ever write anything I feel is worth sharing I always try and get it up. I hope you like this little bit, it was just supposed to capture some if what I feel would be going on in Arizona's head (admittedly through my complete lack of experience, so please don't be offended if my imagination is horribly inaccurate).
Seeing her wife so affected by such a relatively small and inconsequential sign of affection made Arizona feel overwhelmingly guilty. Wearing nice underwear should just be something her wife could take for granted. She felt like a parasite. A horrible heaving mass of the most unpleasant nature, sucking everything around her dry for no measurable benefit what-so-ever. It made her sick that she could have broken a part of her wife. Who was she to be able to break something so precious and perfect? It wasn't fair, and Callie deserved so much better, but nothing she could think of would make it easy for her to tell her to leave. She didn't Want Callie to go, but she was breaking her, slowly and painfully, and she couldn't bear to see herself hurt Callie any more.
To watch yourself break apart the love of your life must be the most cruel of tortures, but she was helpless to be able to protect Callie from herself. The rational part of her mind watched on in terror as she spat such words of hatred at her wife. It sat on in silence as she saw herself flood that perfect face with tears, and it did nothing but fuel the fires of hatred now rooted deep within her heart.
Arizona hated herself. So vehemently that causing herself pain through Callie served as a punishment and an inevitably cruel irony, but she couldn't stop. The thought of Callie leaving her was pounded into her skull with every stone cold glare or spiteful jab she made at her wife, but while it was certainly a concept that made her want to scream out in agony, it brought with it the smallest pinch of clarity that seemed to make it all worthwhile. She knew there was no way she could ever make Callie happy in her home again, and she knew she could never ask her to leave, nor leave herself; it was too great a task. But each time she could say a nasty word, or give a cold shoulder, she could see herself taking one more step on the path she thought was the closest to making her wife happy again.
Tonight she had been weak. This wasn't part of the plan, but it felt SO good. It felt good, natural, to be kissing her wife. Her WIFE. The woman she vowed to spend the rest of her life trying to make happy. To let herself think that she could make Callie happy by trying to be a loving wife again seemed like such a dangerous thought, but what if it were possible. She hadn't found herself so eager to work hard than she had tonight with Callie's lips pressed against hers; and she wondered whether she could live with herself knowing that there was a piece inside the heart of her now peacefully sleeping angel that would never, and could never be mended by the same hand that broke it so carelessly in the first place.
Arizona felt her heart flutter. The demons that plagued her mind; picking holes at her insecurities and tearing gashes in her every failure hadn't won tonight. There was a love so pure and true that Callie gave to her tonight that shone light on even the thoughts that seemed most dark. The most dangerous thoughts that contained the hope of normalcy despite all that had happened throughout the past months. It all came back to Callie. Her wife. Her love. The irony seemed so clear; so very very clear; that Callie had given Arizona back her life only to find that in doing so she was forced to sacrifice part of her own in what seemed like a futile attempt to express her love each day.
Maybe it was a mix of sleep deprivation and stupidity, or early morning clarity and bravery, but as Arizona berated herself for giving up on her happiness, and especially her wife, so easily, she lifted her head to look at the beautiful woman curled up against her chest. Callie's hands were balled up in the tear stained t-shirt that hung off Arizona's frail body, her face red even still from the tears that seemed ever-present on her beautiful face. She seemed so perfectly calm in this moment that Arizona didn't want to disturb her, but she couldn't help herself, so in an act of either extreme senselessness or true courage she leaned down and pressed her lips to Callie's forehead, kissing her gently above her eyes and moving across to place delicate kisses along her temple and softly waking Callie in the process.
