Finally updated, yay. I'm sure you've all missed this elegant piece of literature so much. Yes, I'm still alive. Kind of. I think I'll end the story here because I'm a lazy ass and doubt I'll ever get around to writing another chapter.
Finland came barging into Sealand's room at 5 AM sharp banging pots and pans. "Rise and shine, perfect son! Time to start another glorious day!"
Sealand groaned, unmoving. The sleeping pills had worked after about an hour of bouncing off the walls. Worked a little too well. They sent him into a deep, fitful sleep that was now being mercilessly cut short. "Five more minutes…" he grumbled into his pillow.
"I SAID GET UP YOU LITTLE SHIT! DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU?" Finland waved the pan around menacingly.
Sealand darted up, momentarily having all the energy in the world. "I'm up, I'm up!" he said.
"Good, time for some breakfast! I made all your favorites! Cake, ice cream, cookies, all that disgusting crap that your fat ass likes!"
Sealand stared at his plate, piled high with sweets of all kinds. Just looking at it made his stomach churn.
"Well? Eat up!" Finland ordered. "Oh wait, I get it. You probably need some coffee to help wash it down, don't you?" Sealand cringed. "I'll go get you some!" Finland said, completely ignoring the look on his son's face. "Here you go." he put a HUGE mug of coffee in front of Sealand. And I MEAN HUGE. Like, 32 ounces. Not one of those wimpy-ass 8 ounce cups. Those are for wussies.
Sealand looked in horror at the "breakfast" in front of him. No way he was eating this shit. Sweden looked at him sympathetically. He's had to deal with Finland's…psychotic tendencies many times.
He decided that he should at least nibble so as not to piss off the ferocious Finland (yay, alliteration). He looked down at the floor while taking little bites in an effort to show his true ANGST, and saw Hanatamango. He then remembered, dogs were made for eating food you don't want! DUH! He thought about how he would get the food on the floor without Finland noticing and decided that was impossible since he was staring him down, so he said fuck it and just dumped the whole friggin' plate on the ground. Nice stealth, dumbass!
Hanatamango eagerly started gobbling down the food like a…GOBLIN. But everything on the plate was CHOCOLATE. OH NO! NOW HE'S GONNA DIE! The dog gave out a pained whimper and collapsed to the floor, dead.
"YOU LITTLE SHIT YOU KILLED MY DOG FUCK YOU HOW DARE YOU YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE ON THIS PLANER GRR BLAH BLAH BLAH ONION LIVER SOCKS!" Finland said, grabbing a kitchen knife and chasing after his son.
"Shit!" Sealand ran. And ran. And ran. And ran. And paused to take a bathroom break. And then started running again until he had no idea where he was.
"Where am I?" He looked around, but all he could see for miles were rolling hills. He somehow found himself in the middle of nowhere, like in most cliché stories. "Hello, is anybody there…?"
"Why HOWDY, sonny! What in tarnation brings you out here?" An old guy in a straw had said, appearing out of nowhere. His name is Buddy. Everyone say hi to Buddy! Not that it matters really, since he can't hear you, but still.
"Not much…just running away from a homicidal maniac.""Well shucks! I do not know what this 'homocidal manic' thing you speak of is, but I'll tell you what! I just caught a prairie dog, and we are gonna have a feast tonight! Come with me, sonny." Buddy dragged Sealand with him before he could say anything.
Sealand ended up inside a small cabin. "So where's the prairie dog?"
"Oh, that? I lied. Hyuck hyuck hyuck! My feast tonight…IS YOU!" Buddy ripped off his mask, revealing a deranged Finland underneath. "YOU KILL MY DOG, I KILL YOU!" Finland picked him up and chucked him into a meat grinder. He put the ground Sealand into a container and made his way home. He was going to make a nice dinner tonight!
"So, do you like it? I made it special!" Finland said sweetly.
Sweden ate another forkful of 'meatloaf,' carefully tasting it. "It…tastes a l'ttle funny. Wh't kind of meat did ya use?"
"Um…prairie dog meat! Yeah! I wanted to try something a little…different this time."
Sweden looked at him strangely for a minute and then shrugged. "It's actually n't bad. You should m'ke this more often."
Finland just smiled and laughed nervously.
And here ends the story of Sealand. Well, I guess technically the story continues as he goes through the digestive tract and into the sewer to intermingle with all the other shit…but that would be a disgusting epilouge. Let's not go there.
