WARNING: A lot of angst in this chapter, very sad and depressing as Reid battles with his past.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Criminal Minds or any of the characters or ideas. I created this storyline with four original characters but do not own the rights to the show or its characters. No copyright infringement intended.


Reid hurries to the restroom and snaps the lock shut. He runs his hands through his hair, pulling hard at it in a reckless attempt to stop the panic. A deep, painful breath is drawn in, burning Reid's lungs as he slams his back into the wall. He looks up at the dingy ceiling and the dull light and grinds his teeth together to supress a frustrated scream. The shriek, rips through Reid's throat and he doubles over, grabbing his head to his knees as he crouches down, sliding his back down until he's sitting on the floor.

He can't do it, he can't keep going.

He's been broken.

They've won.

He lies on his side, pulling his knees up as he closes his eyes and lets a painful sob break through. Then another, and another until he can't help but cry.

And there he is, laying on the dirty floor of a restroom, crying alone in his own painful memories.

He starts to wish he was back with the Torture Teachers. At least that pain was physical. He could handle it by gritting his teeth and pretending that it didn't hurt. But this, he doesn't know how to handle this sort of pain. Because it's not pain, it's just pure suffering.

Time feels suspended. He lays there for eternity, constantly urging himself to get up but never managing to pull himself vertical.


"Hotch." Morgan approaches his superior. "We gotta talk about Reid."

"What about him?" Hotch replies, a dark eyebrow arching in suspicion.

"He's not copin' well. At all, I don't think he's ready to be in the field."

"Yes, I've noticed he's having difficulties." Hotch sighs, looking down.

"He's freakin' out." Morgan shakes his head, wishing he could help his friend.

"Where is he? Perhaps I should talk to him."

"I...Actually, I don't know." Morgan frowns, suddenly realising the absence of Reid.

"Well, where did you last see him?" Hotch's expression turns serious.

"In the conference room, he started freakin' out and then he left, I assumed he was just gettin' some air."

"Find him." Hotch says quickly before heading off to search for the young man.

Morgan nods, immediately turning and setting off frantically to find his friend, before he does something stupid.


Reid contemplates suicide. Many people do when they feel like he does. He wonders whether he could do it or not. Not whether it is possible, his brilliant mind has already discovered 6 ways he could do it in the restroom alone. But whether he could take his own life, be his own murderer. The Torture Teachers couldn't do it. He was stronger than them, they couldn't take his life, couldn't kill him.

For a moment he feels proud.

Then the panic returns. He pulls himself to his feet, determined to beat this wave of anxiety. He paces the small restroom, thinking of anything that would take his mind off things.

And failing to distract himself.

He sighs and leans his back on the wall, shoving his hands in his pockets and closing his eyes. Then something causes him to frown. A piece of paper in his pocket. He pulls it out and casts his eyes upon it.

A phone number and a name.

Reid smiles weakly, his anxiety gone for a moment.

He pulls his cell phone ut of his pocket and dials the number, biting his lip as he holds the phone to his ear.

"Hello?" A sweet, elegant voice rings on the other end.

"Um, h-hi this is uh, Spencer?" Reid curses his awkwardness as he talks

"Spencer? Hi!" Claire grins into the phone. Reid replies with a small, weak greeting.

"What's up?" Claire progresses the conversation

"Um... Not a lot, just...checking that the number works...It does, so..."

"Yeah, it does." Claire giggles, setting butterflies loose in Reid's stomach.

There was an awkward pause as Reid couldn't think what to say.

"So, do you... wanna get some...coffee, sometime?" Claire asked.

"Uh, yeah! Yeah, that'd be great!" Reid grins madly.

"Great, um, when do you get back?"

"Well, I'm still on a case and I dunno how long it's gonna take." Reid frowns.

"That's okay; just call me when you're back in Virginia."

"Okay."

"Bye Spencer." Claire says sweetly.

"Bye."

Reid's smile lingers after Claire hangs up. He puts his cell phone away then realises he must have been in the rest room for hours and hurries out.


"Reid!" Morgan hurries towards his friend.

"Hey." Reid gives Morgan a casual nod, before noticing his serious expression.

"Where the Hell have you been?"

"I um...Just needed some air." Reid tells him, looking away awkwardly.

"You've been gone for an hour." Morgan arches a thick brow.

"Yeah...sorry." Reid nods sheepishly.

"Listen, Hotch and I were thinking..." Reid frowns wondering what the two of them were plotting. "Maybe you should, go back home and...take a little more time off."

"What?" Reid's expression was like Hell. Anger, frustration, betrayal.

"I just don't want you to push yourself, to do too much, too soon." Morgan furrowed his brows.

"I'm fine!" Reid protests.

"Reid, you're not fine."

"Yes. I am!"

"Where have you been for the last hour?"

"I...was, getting some air." He lies.

"Why?" Reid doesn't have an answer. "Because you're not coping well." Morgan answers for him

"I'm fine." The word 'fine' comes out quieter than Reid intends it to.

"Listen, Reid." Morgan takes a step toward Reid but the younger man instinctively jerks back. He's had a little problem with personal space since his trauma. "We all care about you, we want what's best for you. I think you're just not ready yet." Morgan tries to reason with his friend and expresses his thoughts.

Reid glares at Morgan for a moment.

"Fine." Reid breathes out, storming away from Morgan and grabbing his bag.

"Reid?" Morgan follows.

"I'm going. I'm doing what you want." Reid raps out as he passes Morgan on his way to the front door.

"Reid wait!" Morgan calls out but Reid doesn't hear, or rather he doesn't want to hear. He carries on to the door and storms through it.


A long taxi ride to the airport and a plane back to Virginia, Reid isn't angry anymore. He feels nothing. He doesn't know if that's normal, to be so angry that you don't know what you feel.