#4
The beeping of my phone alerted me of a text message received. I tap on my phone's screen twice and see the name off my husband light up along with the image of a mini mail beside it. I tap on that and instantly get the message, 'Dinner ready?'
I take a look at the stove and at the boiling miso soup. The rice is ready. I sigh as I type, 'Almost. Fifteen minutes more.' And press send.
This time, I hear the faint echo of a similar beeping coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. I hear a faint grunt. He must be hungry.
I hurry and as soon as I deem the soup cooked, I set the dinner table, the side dishes of pickled radishes and cabbage among other things and pick up my phone from on top of the kitchen island. 'It's done. Where will u eat today?' And send.
There is a bit of a fumbling before the door to the bedroom opens. I look at the tired form of my husband. He still looked handsome, but the dark circles under his eyes only managed to mock the sharpness of the blue of his eyes. He steps towards the kitchen counter with his laptop tucked under his arm, as usual. But it's not like I will ever say anything against it. After all, it has been months since we even sat down for a meal together.
He sits down beside me at the dinner table, not facing me as he places his laptop on the surface of the table right next to his bowl of rice and picks up his chopsticks to take a mouthful of rice into his mouth. He swallows it without chewing on it much and I remind myself to give him some liquids after dinner so that he could digest it well.
'Itadakimasu.' I utter, the only thing next to the constant 'click click' of the laptop keyboard keys which manages to break the palpable silence. Grimmjow halts as if the time he runs on freezes. It only lasts for a fraction of a second before he resumes eating. Well, swallowing.
I look at the time. Twenty five minutes have passed. I then glance at my husband's bowl. He has eaten it's contents along with the miso soup and most of the side dishes. The capsicum pieces went untouched as usual. If it were three years ago, Grimmjow would be asking why I even bother to add them in the first place, and I would tell him how childishly picky he was being. Thinking about the past makes my heart feel heavy and I exhale slowly, lifting my head up to Grimmjow. He isn't looking at me. Again.
I heave out a breath again before I get up and take both our bowls to the sink. I then fetch all the other dishes as well as the chopsticks made out of stainless steel, then the utensils I prepared the food in. Habitually putting the gloves on, I turn on the tap, lost in my own thoughts as I pick up the utensils one by one and start to coat them with dish washer soap. Without fault, I already assume Grimmjow has returned back to our bedroom to continue his work so I'm surprised when I feel a chest barely touching the expanse of my back. I almost sigh at the faint, barely there warmth, but I hold it in. It's a habit to hold in things these days.
A hand lands on the counter to my right and I put the bowl in my hands down. A deep, boyish voice greets my senses then, ''Why do you stay?''
Goose bumps rake the expanse of my body and I might have revelled in the feeling of his breathe against my neck, hell, even him speaking to me if not for the wound his words have managed to cause to my already bleeding heart.
My eyes widen, tears threatening to fall and I turn around, craning my neck to look into his eyes, to look if he means what he just uttered, what he has just let out of his lips.
''Ichigo, why do you stay?'' I had managed to piece my heart back together after all this time. I learned to breathe underwater, I learned to stay away from your lips yet, how, with a single sentence, you manage to make all my defence systems weaken? I can feel the pain in my chest, I can feel the pressure in my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe without trembling ever so slightly and it makes it all the more impossible for me to not want you to lean down and take me into your arms, to hug me, to kiss me and to tell me everything will be alright again.
''Shut up.'' Is what I say, a sheen of moisture already forming over my eyes. He sees it too, he has always hated me crying. I remember him always saying how much my smile resembles the sunshine and crying just makes me look ugly. I almost laugh, but the raw emotions displaying in Grimmjow's eyes make me shiver with a mixture of fear, anger, impatience and betrayal instead.
He doesn't have to say anything anymore. He doesn't need to. So I softly push at his chest, trying to make him leave, ''Go away,'' I tell him, head hung low, voice obviously trembling and I turn around, ''I'll bring you some juice or something. Go.''
But instead, I feel strong arms encircle me, they are hesitant at first, so unlike Grimmjow, but in the end, with a trembling force, they hug me close to their owner. I feel my husband bury his face in the crook of my neck. His breath quivers and a tear rolls down my cheek. What the hell, he made me cry.
''Don't do this to yourself, Ichigo.'' He whispers and it makes me want to laugh. But only tears manage to make their way past my lower eye lids. ''Don't –hah-'' He stops for a few seconds before I feel my shoulder become wet with one single droplet of tears. ''Don't stay with a jerk like me.''
''You are a jerk,'' I say chest tightening. ''You decide to speak to me in two months and this is what you say, you f-fucking bastard.'' The arms holding me tighten.
''I'm sorry.'' He says and I hang my head low. The hell are you even saying? Why this? Why now?
Another tear rolls down the heated skin of my cheek and I hold in a whimper. Shitty shitty bastard. I hate you so fucking much! ''Don't you fucking dare try and leave me.'' I say quietly after a minute or two and Grimmjow lifts his head up. He lets me go and I take off my gloves and throw them roughly into the sink before turn around to face him.
My heart breaks at his appearance. He looks so sad. Don't look so sad. Grimmjow…
I move my hand up to his face and cup the side of his face in my hand. He leans into my touch and some kind of relief flushes into my chest. But the look in his eyes doesn't go away. He looks as if he hates himself and I would rather die than make him feel that way.
''Don't do this.'' I tell him, trying to make it alright. It might never be, but I refuse to let go of my partner's hand. He wets his lips. ''You too.'' He responds and that is the limit before my hand softly slaps across his cheek. Another tear rolls down my cheek.
His eyes are wide as he stares at me, ''If-if you are worried because of that slap five months ago, then that's my revenge. Is it okay now?'' I ask him, voice trembling. I watch as Grimmjow frowns, his eyes narrow and then be wet with tears before he breaks down right before my eyes and falls on his knees, palms covering his face. He cries silently, I note. Grimmjow is always loud when angry, blatantly expressing his opinions. But he is silent in his sadness and pain, as if wanting to disappear from the world's view for as long as he's hurting.
I bend down and place my hand on Grimmjow's shoulder, worry making my gut turn. No, don't be like this. I can't see you like this. It's not your fault.
''I-I hit you! Ichi, I hit you!'' He says finally, panting and trying to catch his breath and my grip tightens on his shoulder. I want to do something to reduce his pain and helplessness consumes me and I start to cry.
''My precious baby, I hit you! I i-ignored you! Because of work, because of my damn work, you have to live like this. I hate myself! What have I become,'' I move closer to hug him in an awkward position and rub his back softly.
''Grimmjow, Grimmjow..'' I repeat to get his attention, ''I was never mad, alright? What's a slap when we have broken each other's bones in high school before? It's okay, Grimm, stop crying, Grimm..''
''I love you..'' He says and I hug him closer.
''I know.'' He moves his arms around me and hugs me back. Guilt made him this lifeless. Did you really regret that accident so much that you stopped talking to me?
''It was a mistake, Grimmjow. That pressure you got from work…I get it. I admit, I was shocked but I couldn't get angry…You were too tired and I know you won't take any of my excuses but I want to let you know, that a silly thing like that doesn't belittle the love you shower me with.''
I take his head in my hands, ''Just stop feeling guilty. For better or for worse, yeah?''
Grimmjow straightens up and leans towards my face and places a kiss on my cheek. ''I don't want to live without you.'' He says and I feel my heart leap. He looks straight into my eyes and continues, ''I promise to make it up to you.'' He kisses my other cheek, ''I want to see you happy.''
That night Grimmjow promises himself to be a better lover. He promises himself to fill their house with their laughter again and hold Ichigo closer to his heart and make him smile like the sunshine.
I know I suck at writing. HAHA. I hate myself too...I'm working on something rn and hopefully, I'll manage to finish it without deleting every draft I come up with. Wish me luck~!
