**ENGLISH ISN'T MY LANGUAGE**
I can see how the fear penetrates through my skin. I want to see you smile again but this just is the beginning and not the end… I won't let myself go, I won't look back, I won't stop love… I'll be with you until the end.
TEDDY
I leave the hospital feeling completely happy and although deep down I still have the uncertainty if my baby will be fine or not I've decided to listen to Amanda and not worry about that, stress won't do me any good and my baby deserves only the best.
Outside the afternoon is gray and cold, but for me the day is perfect, I let the air play freely with my hair and seep to my scalp, to caress my skin, my cheeks. I close my eyes and let the soft rain that has begun to fall wet my face feeling as one by one the tiny drops fall on my forehead, my cheekbones, my neck and I smile and I open my arms and start to spin around, enjoying the rain no matter if someone sees me, no matter if someone sees the head of MEDCOM dancing in the rain like a little girl.
Again my hand goes to my belly and again in my face a smile is drawn, or rather my smile gets even bigger. The rain begins to get worse and I run to my car and once inside I take out of my bag the images of the ultrasound that Amanda had given me and I watch them intently as if wanting to record in my memory forever this beautiful image, my little bubble.
All the way home one of my hands remains on the wheel and the other on my belly and this time I'm not sweating and I turn on the radio and I sing, I sing loud and horrible but sing, I sing with the soul and I sing with the heart. I get home and I keep singing and I keep smiling, I make a huge chocolate milkshake even though outside its 23℉ and I sit on the couch next to the window wrapped in my pink blanket, watching the rain, drinking my milkshake and rubbing my belly... suddenly I have an idea.
I head towards my bedroom and from one of my drawers I take out the camera that I had bought a couple of years ago when I went on vacation to Greece, I go back to the couch and turn on the camera in front of me even though I'm not yet very sure of how to start, I've never been exactly an artistic person, others consider singing, writing or painting as art, for me my work is my art, cutting, hold hearts in my hands, fix them, heal them, that's my art but for my child maybe I can find new forms of art… with luck in a few years I'll be playing with Play-Doh clay, crayons, doing finger paint and memorizing children's songs; I can't help but smile at that possibility and suddenly I visualize myself driving with my child, a girl, or maybe a boy, sitting safely in its child seat while we both sing some of those sticky children's songs.
In my reverie I can't help but visualize Owen too and although my smile fails a little I can feel a warm sensation in my heart and at the same time a twinge of guilt. It's okay what I'm doing? I ask myself and for a moment I'm about to pick up the phone and call Owen, but... no, suddenly I remember that call, Amelia's call, although so far I don't know if it actually happened or everything was product of the depressing state in which I found myself after Owen's departure that made me think it was true. Just the thought of calling him only to realize that my suspicions were true and he was back with her broke my heart in hundreds of tiny pieces that just by thinking of my baby came together again in one and beat with infinite love. No, I won't tell Owen... at least not for the moment.
I shake the sad thoughts from my head and return all my attention to what I had planned to do, I take a deep breath and clear my throat... I press play.
"Hi!". I say shyly smiling at the camera and waving with my hand. "I'm your mommy... I ... I'm not good at this but I don't know, I thought it would be a good idea... you know... record our journey". I chuckle shyly. "Just today I found out... about you, although I already had my suspicions for a few days... you're giving me quite the battle with morning sickness and all those strange symptoms... but I don't care, today when I saw you for the first time... all those pains and discomfort disappeared... " And I keep talking in front of the camera and although at the beginning it's a bit strange and the words fail me as I speak everything becomes easier and more fluid until it's time to talk about him, I don't know how he came up to "our" conversation, but I think it was my subconscious which is always thinking about him. And it's that same voice inside me that tells me not to fool myself, that all this is not for me or my baby, it's for him... all this is for Owen.
"Your daddy... he..." I breathe deeply specially to steady my voice and keep the tears at bay. "He... he's not here, he... he doesn't know you're on the way and I..." As much as I try the tears manage to get out of my eyes and run down my cheeks. "He is a very good man; you know?... but he... he did something that hurt me a lot, but we all make mistakes, I made mistakes too". Not telling your baby's father about its existence is your biggest mistake, that voice inside me tells me. "I don't know if someday I'll have the courage to tell him what's happening... and I hope you don't hate me, but... I would rather die first before letting someone made you suffer or feel unloved... maybe one day I'll tell him everything... but not now, so please... forgive me". And with that I finish my first video which I don't know if after my last confession I'll be able to show it to my child someday... or to Owen.
The following days are more or less the same, yes, I vomit, I vomit not only every morning but all day and I get dizzy and I'm about to faint on more than one occasion but I also laugh, laugh hard, I laugh after throwing up, I laugh when my favorite roasted chicken makes me nauseous and I laugh when my jeans start to feel more and more tight on my thighs, on my hips, on my waist, I laugh when my breast manage to grow out of my bras and I laugh even more when I can glimpse the small shadow of a bump in my lower belly to which I haven't stopped caressing since the day I got the happy news.
"Hi again!" I said smiling in front of the mirror holding in one hand the camera in which I have already stored at least 5 videos while with the other hand I caress the tiny bump in my lower belly. "Apparently you are growing fast, soon you won't let me see my feet".
And with so much happiness when I least expect it I'm already 9 weeks and I'm back in Amanda's office and this time I hear for the first time a sound that I know perfectly but had never brought tears to my eyes until today, my baby's heartbeat, that tiny throbbing point on the screen that with its fast rhythm manages to break the silence of the room and fills me with even more happiness than I thought possible. It measures around an inch and although I still can't feel it I can see it move, its teeny tiny legs and arms wiggle inside my womb and I fall in love again, a pure love, unconditional love, the kind of love that makes you give your life, give it everything, I love my baby, I still can't feel it moving or I see its face but I already love it, blind love, true love.
"Today I listened to your heartbeat for the first time..." I can't say more and I burst out in tears of joy in front of the camera. And I go crazy, I go crazy of love, of happiness and I can't stop rubbing my belly, maybe I'll never do it, small to just fully cover it with my hand but so big that I'm forced to buy new jeans and once again I go crazy, I buy clothes like crazy and although I also want to buy clothes for the baby I decide that now is not the time, once I know the sex I'll surely go crazy again and I'll return to finish with all the pink dresses or all the blue onesies of the stores.
But as always just when I thought that everything would be love and happiness life gives me one of its new blows and I cry, and I tremble with fear and I bleed. I bleed and again I cry sitting on the floor of the bathroom afraid to move but even with fear I have to do it, I have to move, I have to stop this. Everything happens as in a dream, one moment I'm crying on the floor and the other Amanda tells me that everything had just been a scare and I stop crying but this time I can't smile, I'm still scared, even when she assures me that it's normal some bleeding during the first months of pregnancy for me that is not normal but once again Amanda with her infinite kindness reassures me that it is, that I have nothing to fear and she does a new ultrasound just to reassure me by third, fifth, tenth time and it just takes a look at the image of my baby to smile again.
I spend that night in the hospital and I can't stop thinking about what happened a few hours ago. What if it was a signal? A sign to realize that what I was doing wasn't right, a signal to pick up the phone or not, take a plane and go to Seattle and tell Owen "Hi! We will be parents in six months." My head is a disaster, on the one hand I don't want to see him again, I don't want him close to me or my our baby and on the other I know that I'm being selfish and unfair, not only to Owen to hide my our baby's existence, but with my child too, denying it the possibility of knowing its father.
Not even the comfort that always gives me rub my belly makes my heart go slower, in my head I imagine all possible scenarios and each one terrifies me more than the previous one, I would arrive in Seattle in search of Owen only to realize that he has already moved on, with Amelia, they are back together and maybe even she is also pregnant so Owen doesn't want to know anything about me and much less about my our child. Although I don't even know if this is true or not the mere fact of thinking that it is a great possibility makes my eyes fill with tears, not for me, but for my child who doesn't deserve to be rejected by its father like he rejected me. But even in the midst of my crisis the light of sanity tells me that Owen isn't that kind of man, that he would never do something like abandoning or turning his back on a child of his flesh and blood.
In the end after spending much of the night thinking I've decided everything… I'll return to Seattle but I won't do it for me, I'll do it for my child, so that it can meet its father, so that it can be close to him and especially to that a future he or she doesn't reproach me for having taken it away from its father.
Between the scare and the preparations to leave Germany when I least realize I'm at the Frankfurt airport waiting to take the flight that will take me to Seattle and that will surely change my life again forever, nervous, scared, with 11 weeks of pregnancy, a small belly that although isn't yet visible I try to hide under my loose blouse and coat but at the same time I can't stop caressing it, with nothing to lose in Germany and maybe much to gain in the United States.
While waiting for the boarding in the waiting room I take out my cell phone and open the front camera "So... here we go... we're going to America, your daddy will know about you... I hope he loves you as much as I already love you".
Almost 12 hours later I landed at the Tacoma airport and when I left I found myself in another crossroads... I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go, I have nowhere to go. I stand outside the airport without knowing what to do, with a suitcase in each hand and completely blank mind; Without knowing what I'm doing or where I'll go I take a taxi and without realizing it I asked the driver to take me to the Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, although less than a year ago I was here everything seems different, I see everything with new eyes, with mother's ayes, this will be the city where my baby will be born, where I'll raise it to make of it the best person, here we will spend birthdays, Christmas, New Year, snowfalls.
I can't keep fooling myself, no matter what Owen has done I'll never stop loving the snow much less Christmas, they're the only beautiful memories I've of my childhood and the first thing I can't wait to share with my child; go together to choose the largest and most leafy Christmas tree, put the lights and ornaments, light aromatic cinnamon and apple candles, make gingerbread cookies and hot chocolate, sit by the window wrapped in the pink blanket watching outside the snow fall while I tell it some story, surely some anecdote of something that I lived with its father, go to do Christmas shopping and see how its eyes light up while opening its presents… while thinking about this suddenly realization hits me… according to my calculations my baby will be born around Christmas, I just laugh and cry at the same time while the taxi driver looks at me through the rearview mirror with a confused expression.
While the taxi stops at the entrance of the Grey Sloan I can't help but lower my gaze to my belly and while I rub it I smiled and whisper "You will love your life here", because I'm sure that it'll be so.
A/N: Hi guys, I'm so sorry this take a litte bit longer to what I usually take to update but life has been very hectic I changed work and with luck in January I'll be re starting school so yes, I've been very busy with work and school aplicatios.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank infinitely to the people who have left their beautiful reviews in my fic, you are my MoJo guys, never change!
Also I wanted to ask you all a question, I have a lot of ideas about the direction that this fic should take, so what do you prefer? That I go on with my crazy ideas and from there that this becomes a total AU but with something of what we've seen so far in the promos? or that I stick to what happens in the show?
I've read so many opinions and theories that my head is blowing with ideas, your theories are so good, guys!
Oh and to finish, I've been working on a one (maybe three) shot that I'll be posting in the next few days, obviously Towen centered. Is there another more beautiful couple to write about? I don't think so.
