Chapter the Third. The Werewolf.
The central argument in this chapter came to me when remembering an author describe buying a dog ticket for his pet otter.
Moist is performing a task at the start that once upon a time happened on Roundworld. The lamp room of a busy station would have been a hive of activity at night.
A moment's thought will make it obvious why a Troll or Golem could not be assigned this duty. It really would not be a good idea.
Moist Von Lipwig had found a new game. It wasn't as dangerous as edificeering such prominent buildings as the Royal Mail sorting office or the Royal Bank, both of which were still nominally under his management. He could have fallen off. And his lack of easily memorable features could have caused problems with overly zealous security staff. He'd already had one very close call at the Post Office in this respect. (1) Who could have expected Mr Post Office/Mr Bank/Mr Mint/Mr Railway to find fun in a prosaic duty servicing early evening and night passenger trains ?
Nocturnal trains have to be lit.
The Ankh – Morpork and Sto Plains Hygienic Railway used pot lamps for this. (2)
The lamps sat in sockets set into the roof of each carriage. The pot lamp was an easily changed oil lamp which could readily be ignited by a passenger or guard, using a match. (3)
This sounds simple. Now make your way along the top of the stationary train checking lamp oil reservoirs. Withdraw those below a suitable fill level. Pass them to a colleague on the platform. Be careful, they will probably be hot.
Your colleague will be pushing a service trolley through the crowds on the platform. He will receive the empties and pass you full ones to be placed in the roof sockets.
Service the length of the train before its due departure time.
Try this on a twelve carriage express some time. Five minutes, tops, at busy times. Quite the time trial.
Moist kept an eye on the platform crowd. When you had a career history like his it was second nature. Besides, eddies in the flow of people could change the path of the service trolley in unpredictable ways. His current work partner, Of The Pot Lamp The Glow, seemed supernaturally adept at steering a straight course.
This allowed Moist's attention to scan the crowds more effectively as he worked. It alighted on an elderly man arguing with a guard. To judge by his clothes (hat with a small feather in it, felt jacket, lederhosen) he was from Uberwald. The enormous Meerschaum pipe he was smoking could be considered a courtesy detail.
'Mr Of The Pot Lamp The Glow, can you finish up solo ? There is something I need to look into.'
'No problem Mr Hero, (4) bet you a rabbit pie (5) I can do it and beat your time !'
'You're on !'
Moist dropped down from the train and approached the argument, which was already attracting the usual Ankh – Morpork street theatre audience. The guard was taking this as a cue to attempt to be stern with the foreigner.
'I'm tellin' you that you can't travel on a dog ticket mate !' (6)
Moist flashed his railway ID card. (7)
'Can I help, gentlemen ?'
'Mr Von Lipwig. This could be a stroke of luck, you being from Uberwald yourself. Can you 'elp explain the ticketing system to this genn'lman ? 'E don't seem to unnerstand it.'
'I note the gentleman in question is carrying a large bag. Did you see a big dog anywhere near the bag during the journey ?'
Railway guards are observant. He had seen just that. In a luggage compartment. There was currently no sign of the dog.
'I 'ope we ain't got a lost dog to worry about 'n all...'
The guard was aware that Moist was grinning and the old man was starting to look amused.
'I travelled next to my luggage. If people see what they assume is a big dog minding a bag, they leave it alone. It makes up for the discomfort of riding in the luggage compartment.'
Sunrise began to dawn on the guard's mental horizon.
'I didn't realize you was a...'
'You can say 'werewolf'' young man. I think I complied with the terms of the dog ticket pretty well. I know it was a cheap ticket, but I didn't take up a seat someone else could use.'
Moist couldn't resist dropping the bombshell.
'I think my grandfather has made an eloquent case for allowing him to have travelled on a dog ticket Mr...Smith.' Moist's pause had been spent reading the guard's badge.
'Your granddad ? Whyn't you just say ? I'd have let this pass...'
'I wanted to see what reasons might be given for a werewolf using a dog ticket. I think we've set a precedent tonight, and I'll recommend to Lord King (7a) that allowing this become part of standard operating practice. He'll accept it if I suggest that then taking up a seat should attract an additional penalty fare.'
A cheerful shout came from the back of the train.
'Done it. Beaten the time !'
'If you don't mind Mr Smith, Grandfather and I will take our leave. And I think I owe Mr Of The Pot Lamp The Glow a rabbit pie...'
(1)See Sir Terry's Making Money.
(2)Lord Vetinari's orders. Gas would be more efficient but Dwarfish flamethrowers came to mind.
(3)This reflects early Roundworld railway practice.
(4)The Goblin wasn't taking the mickey. They can be disconcertingly direct about showing respect.
(5)A great delicacy among Goblins. See Sir Terry's Snuff to see how this can go too far.
(6)In the UK there was a time when train travellers could get a cheaper ticket for their dog.
(7)Some people object to ID, but it was a godsend for Moist, reminding subordinates who he was.
(7a)Principal shareholder in the railway, short tempered, but at this point of his career, fair minded.
