He Chose Life

Chapter Three

"Please, don't go. Lay with me until I fall asleep." She asked him to need her. How deeply he needed her, he was sure she would never fully realize. Alex had been his lifeline to the world the last three years. The person who kept him grounded, but above all else, she was the person who loved him and accepted him for what he was. The reason he survived the attack was her. The reason he wanted to survive was her.

Alex stood in the darkened doorway, silenced for the moment, torn between who they were now and who they would be if she laid beside him as he asked. "If I stay with you, things will change between us. You realize that don't you? Intimacy, of any kind, has a way of changing things." In truth, Alex was more than ready for the next step in their relationship.

"I'm not asking you to make love to me. What I'm asking for is your help. I want to feel human again. I want back what Michael took from me when he forced me to be someone I'm not."

He looked so frail, so childlike beneath the bed covers that she couldn't help but acquiesce when he reached out his hand to her.

"Please, for a little while, just until I fall to sleep."

She went to the other side of the bed, and turned off the lamp, leaving them in darkness. Feeling her way into bed, she slid beneath the covers, unsure of how to help. If he were her son, she would know exactly what to do. She would wrap him in her arms, hold him close and stroke his hair and back until she heard him begin to snore softly, then she would place him in his bed. Tony was not Ben. The boundaries that held them at arm's length, she allowed to blur to the point that she no longer had any idea what was appropriate comfort and what was not. "I don't know what it is you want from me. Shall I hold you, cuddle to you? I don't know what to do to help you through this."

"I just need you to be near, that's all, just be near."

Alex moved closer to his back and ran her hand down his shoulder to his hand, where she intertwined her fingers with his. "I'm not hurting you, am I?"

Drawing his arm up so her hand rested against his chest, he told her no. "There's no pain involved in the act of tenderness, Alex."

The warm scent of strawberry and mango melon filled her nostrils as she rested her cheek on the nape of his neck. Gradually she could hear his breathing start to slow as he surrendered himself to the solace she offered.

She lay there against him for so long she thought he had surely fallen asleep, until she felt him take in a deep breath to speak.

"Alex, have you ever been near death? I mean so near you felt certain there was no escaping it. "

"No, Tony, I haven't." She had seen death take many people during her career; it just never stopped for her.

"People say the moment you realize death is near, the events of your life stream before you, like an old home movie. Short, unfocused and unalterable. But that's not what happened. Yes, the movie played, but it wasn't my past. It was all the things I wanted in my life. The things I wanted from it but never allowed myself to have. "

"I don't understand." She nuzzled his neck and kissed the abrasion on his shoulder she knew was hidden beneath his shirt, in an attempt to get him to settle back into rest.

"It was a montage filled with regret. Regret over never allowing myself to live because I feared being known, really being known."

"You don't have to do this now."

"No, I need to tell you this before I lose my nerve."

"Tony…"

"Please, listen to what I have to say." He rolled onto his back so he could see her face. "You have no idea, do you?"

"No idea of what?"

"What you snatched me from that day on the roof top, the day you offered me a place in your world."

"I offered you my friendship and my care. You were floundering."

"You validated my existence." He stopped to regroup his thoughts. "What I'm trying to say is… what you did that day changed everything for me. Not only did you save me from myself, you brought me hope. Hope of love, hope of true acceptance. You didn't need me for what I added to your team, you wanted me for what I brought to your life. No one ever wanted me in that way before you. Not even Carol."

Alex placed her finger to his lips. "Let's not talk about the past."

"I have to finish, Alex. I can't leave this for another day because there may not be another day. You have to understand, if something like this happened before I met you, I would have let him kill me. I had no reason to think my life would be any different or any better if I survived." He placed a length of her hair behind her ear. "Knowing that there was still so much to experience together and so much left unsaid between us, made the thought of leaving you unbearable. The prospect of seeing you again to do and say all those things we'd left undone gave me a reason to fight. " Tony leaned into her and placed his lips timidly on her at first, until he realized her mouth was welcoming his. They each lingered over the others lips, giving and receiving the tenderness of first kisses.

"I've wanted to do that for such a long time." Tony rested his forehead against hers and flashed the brilliant smile he reserved only for her.

"Better than your dreams, then." Her lips drifted across to the cut at the corner of his mouth.

"Oh, so much better." He cupped her face in his hands and began kissing her as though he felt he would never have the opportunity to do so again.

Feeling his want, Alex pulled him closer. Unwittingly she had taken hold of his bruised side, throwing him into a storm of pain.

"Oh, Tony, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I got caught up in the moment and forgot you were so badly hurt." She helped him lay back down and placed a pillow under his side. "Better?"

"Yes, much." He settled himself beneath the bed covers again and when the pain became more tolerable, he began running his hands through her hair. "You know the way you gather your hair around to the other side of your head when you're thinking."

"Yes."

"Are you aware that when you do that, the curve of your neck drives men to distraction?"

"Men in general or you in particular?"

"Me in particular." He chuckled, and ran the back of his hand across her cheek and down her neck to the indentation at the end of her throat. "You were doing it on purpose, were you?"

"Of course I was, but it didn't work, did it?"
"What do you mean?"
"I didn't manage to distract you in the least. Sometimes you can be so oblivious."

"I resent that." His found her hand which he kissed and then placed over his heart. "Socially inept, yes. Unsure of woman and how to relate, yes. Oblivious—never. Your attempts to pull me into sin did not go unnoticed." He grinned and then became serious again. "I thought I was reading things into the situation that weren't there. If I had acted and misread you, I would have ruined everything between us."

"If I had shown up on your doorstep naked, would you have been unsure then?"

"Of course not. I said I was socially inept, not stupid." He cupped the back of her neck in his hand and pulled her to him for another passionate, longing filled kiss.

Mindful of his wounds, Alex let her hand find its way down his stomach to the bottom of his shirt and carefully began pulling it up toward his head.

"Alex…" He tried to grab her hand, but she had snaked the shirt half way up his body before he could stop her. "Alex, what are you doing?'

"I'm demonstrating another mommy skill I've developed to perfection. You see it's difficult to disrobe a child without waking them up." The shirt was quickly pulled up over his head and tossed onto the floor with a triumphant flourish. "Years of getting Ben from the sitter's at bedtime, gave me a lot of practice. I can take clothes off, or put clothes onto anything sitting up or lying down. Would you like to see me do it again?" She shot him a mischievous look.

He found her playfulness, sexy. Combined with the adrenaline already coursing through him, it was incredibly sexy, but he didn't physically or emotionally have it in him to do anything but lie beside her and sleep. "I'm not in any shape for… well… you know. I'm sorry."

"I know, luv. I just wanted to be able to touch you while you drifted off."

"You called me 'luv'."

"It's a term of endearment."

"I know what it is; it's just never been used when addressing me. 'Anthony', 'Tony' and the occasional 'tosser', but never 'luv'."

"If you don't like it, I won't say it again."

He rolled into her for a last kiss and a bit of a feel before he settled into her arms. "No, don't do that. It's growing on me. I think I like the sound of it." He said it aloud several time, trying to get a feel for it. "Yes, I definitely like the sound of it and it implies…"

She placed a finger to his lips again. "Luv, you're over thinking it."

"Yes, you're right, I am. New at this whole relationship thing, you know."

"I know you are." Alex wrapped her arms tightly around him and settled into the sleep awaiting them. "I love you, Tony. I have for a very long time."

"Thank you, Alex. I love you too." The words were foreign to his tongue, yet it felt absolutely natural to say them to her. He was going to make it a point to say them often so she would never forget.

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