It was a hard goodbye the following morning. Of course, the morning itself hadn't started off badly. On the contrary, there was another good session between the two turians before Saren told Nihlus he had business to tend to. Nihlus was already late for a meeting with the councilor, to whom he had made the excuse of over sleeping due to the work load the council gives him. The turian councilor had simply scoffed at him and told him to get to his office asap, and Nihlus had agreed lazily. Saren hadn't been late for his appointment at first, but the younger turian had started suggestively asking for another bout, and Saren, knowing they wouldn't be seeing each other for some time, could not refuse him. That had made him late. And the shower that followed, which Nihlus insisted on being a part of, had made him very late. But spirits be damned if Saren cared when he walked into the private clinic and met with the shady-looking doctor there. The salarian was disapproving of the forty-five minute delay, but Saren simply growled at him to hurry up and get on with the implant. The doctor was reluctant with the technology at first, claiming he didn't understand why the biotic chip had to go inside Saren, but he insisted and told the salarian that if he didn't want his private little practice exposed, he would do the procedure without further questions. The doctor had agreed wordlessly, and they got on with their procedure as planned.
When he woke, he was in a fair bit of pain and that irritated him. He looked around carefully, picking up the presence of another being in the room. His instinct had been right, and his eyes landed on an asari that sat in a chair in his hospital room, waiting for him to wake. He growled defensively.
"Who are you?"
"Saren Arterius, I am Matriarch Benezia."
"Is that supposed to mean something to me?"
"It will, should you shut your lips long enough to listen." Saren scowled at her as she stood. She walked over to him slowly, carefully approaching him. She stood tall. Confidently. Saren knew she was an asari worthy of respect to her people, but he had no intention of showing her unearned trust. He gave her an unpleasant look as he listened to her. "I know your implant was not one of biotics."
Saren frowned.
"What?"
"Your implant was not a biotic upgrade."
"What are you talking about?"
"I won't say it again."
Saren growled at her again.
"Are you a doctor?"
"No-"
"Then get out of here."
"They brought me here to inspect your implant before putting it in."
"Then what kind of implant was it?"
"It's a core implant for mechanical upgrades. I understand you are trying to unify yourself with your ship."
Saren wasn't typically one for openly showing when he was surprised or confused or didn't understand what was going on, but he couldn't help it now. He let her words sink in, replayed them, mauled them over. She didn't make any sense.
"What?"
"Your reaper. Sovereign."
"What the hell is a reaper?"
The matriarch narrowed her eyes at him.
"You mean to say that you didn't know what it was?"
"My ship? No. Sovereign is my ship's artificial intelligence, nothing more."
Benezia opened her tool, then transferred information to his own. He found it painful to lift his arm up, and he noticed just how weak his body felt. It was strange.
"Here. Reading material for the next three days that you'll be resting up."
"What?"
"I have a proposition for you, and your problem. Your reaper has a purpose. And I have every intention of surviving it's would-be future for our galaxy."
"You don't make any sense to me."
"Read. I will be back to check on you later."
Saren watched as the asari turned away and out the door.
That was how his relationship with the matriarch started. He had read the material she had given him and it had certainly made sense to him now why the damned AI was trying to get him to go to Eden Prime for that prothean device. A race of sentient machines were coming to wipe out all life in the galaxy. It was a hard pill to swallow. And Saren had single handedly opened the door for them. At least, he made it possible to let them in. By trusting the damn ship and putting in the damn implant, he had indirectly agreed to what the reaper wanted him to do. But Benezia's plan was a sound one, once he heard it. She wanted to use the geth as a weapon, to fight off the machines with machines, and to survive without bloodshed of organic life. While Saren didn't care about preserving the lives of soldiers who were meant to fight threats like this, he did find the geth to be a sound ally. And she had already gathered several units for their cause. It had been some time since he had seen a working geth, and it was certainly odd to think that they would all be traveling together, but he wasn't going to complain. He simply wanted to figure out how to stop the reapers. His first chore was to get the implant out of him, which the doctor, who's name he found out was Saleon, promised to do the following morning. Saren needed rest before another operation.
But sleep wasn't so easy tonight. He figured it was because of the amount of good sleep he had gotten the previous night. He already missed his companion. His mate. But Nihlus had left three hours prior. He had sent a message before leaving the Citadel. Saren hadn't replied yet, but he was thankful for the message. He wasn't worried about Nihlus. He would make a fine mentor for his spectre to-be, even if Saren detested the woman herself. It didn't change that Nihlus was going to be a good teacher. Saren closed his eyes and shifted in the bed as his thoughts on Nihlus drifted further.
He is your weakness.
Saren rolled his eyes at the voice in his head.
"Yeah yeah."
You will eliminate this weakness.
Saren shook his head.
"I won't touch him."
You must.
What was most disturbing about that was the fact that Saren found himself having to think it over. He wasn't appalled, he simply let the thought ride out in his mind. He enjoyed Nihlus' time, and he loved him, why would he kill him? Because a ship told him to? If the race of reapers was so smart they would know that. But of course they wouldn't understand that. Saren felt the need to make Sovereign understand that. Saren felt the need to make Sovereign understand that Nihlus wouldn't get in the way of him doing his job.
"He's not an issue."
He is your weakness.
Saren shook his head again. Sovereign couldn't understand what it was like to have an emotional connection with someone. It couldn't.
Imagine what power you would feel if you put your hand around his throat.
Saren scowled again. Of course that would be exciting. Things getting heated between him and Nihlus was an exciting thought. But power? No. He wouldn't exactly feel power.
Imagine the power you'd have over his life.
Saren saw the point in that statement. But he had had Nihlus' life in his hands several times during his spectre training and power wasn't what he felt. Responsibility, and trust, maybe.
"Talk all you want." he said as he closed his eyes. "I'm not killing my mate."
Saren found it impossible to open his eyes the next morning. Absolutely impossible. There was a dark fog clouding his mind, and all he could hear were whispers. Voices he didn't recognize, all very coded and generic, except for one. Sovereign whispered lightly until Saren was conscious again and then, it nearly screamed. Saren shook. He was unable to speak, unable to move his limbs. They were weak.
What is this?!
Your upgrade is integrating into your body.
The doctor will fix it later.
It does not matter now. We are in control.
You will not control me, creature.
With these upgrades, you will be turned, slowly, into one of us. Into a machine. And you will be spared from the cleansing of this life's cycle.
Spared?
Yes. Spared.
What... But... What about...
He can be spared too.
He can?
You must keep this upgrade to spare him. You must help us. You must listen to us.
I'll... I'll do anything... Just... Spare him. If anyone, spare him.
He will need upgrades.
He's a good soldier as he is-
That is not acceptable. He needs the necessary implants.
But he's... He's long gone by now.
He's gone to Eden Prime.
Then... I should... I should go. I need... To get to him. I need to save him...
Yes. You need to save him.
I need to save him.
Saren felt, for the first time in he didn't know how long, a large wave of panic run through him. It was a sort of panic he had never felt before. It was one without any real reason, without provocation, without any grasp of realism at all. He was suddenly aware that his limbs were thrashing, that he was again mobile. His eyes flew open. He took in the sight of the salarian doctor and the matriarch monitoring him. He was up and out of the bed quickly, swaying slightly, hearing the protests of the other two in the room. He growled, a low warning to tell them to keep their hands off of him.
"Saren, take it easy-"
"I need to save him." he muttered, looking around quickly.
"Saren? Save who?"
"I need to save him. I... Need to save him."
He was looking for the door to the room, but he was so disoriented that he wasn't able to focus his eyes on much. He wasn't even sure about who was talking to him. The only thing he knew was that he had to get to Nihlus, and the urge to get to him was too powerful to ignore. He felt gentle hands on his shoulder and he looked over. The asari gave him a small look of concern.
"Saren, lie down."
"I have to save him."
"Save who, Saren?"
"Nihlus." Benezia pushed on his shoulder and made him lay back down. He was fairly sure her biotics were helping her work against him. He couldn't feel them though. He couldn't feel anything but the cool pillow under his head when he laid all the way down. "I have to save Nihlus."
"Rest, Saren. You're not well."
Saren closed his eyes as he lost consciousness.
When he woke the next time, Saren immediately felt the dryness in his throat. He attempted to rid the feeling by clearing his throat, but it didn't help. He felt someone sit down next to him on the bed after a moment and he chanced a peak at the person in question. It hurt to open his eyes. He blinked the sting from them as best as he could before he looked over to the matriarch again.
"What happened?" he croaked.
"The implant has had some... Negative effects on you." Benezia replied.
"Like what?"
"You've been out for eight days."
Saren stared at her for a long moment. She had to be lying.
"How is it you have kept me alive?" he asked in an irritable tone. "There's no way-"
"Do you not remember me giving you the water?"
Saren shook his head lightly, then stopped. A faint memory of her surfaced in his mind's eye, helping him drink, telling him to stay in bed, encouraging him to rest. He shook his head again.
"No. I don't." he said.
"I suppose I didn't expect that you were in your right mind."
"How long ago was that?"
"Yesterday. I've been giving you water everyday."
"I... Has my tool went off?"
"Yes. A few times." Benezia confirmed. "I assume the council is trying to reach you."
"Safe assumption."
"Are you feeling better?"
"I feel... Different..."
"How so?"
"I hear..." Saren shook his head. He would not tell her of the voices that echoed in his mind. She didn't need to know that. "I just feel strange. Weak."
"You were talking in your sleep."
Saren refrained from rolling his eyes.
"Oh?" he said with a dry tone.
"About the reapers. About Sovereign. Your friend, Nihlus."
Saren narrowed his eyes.
"What do you know of Nihlus?"
"I know that you trained him for his spectre status. I know he is good at what he does." Saren let out a slight hum, giving her a nod. He sat up slowly, letting out a grunt as he did so. His head felt heavy. "He means a great deal to you, then?"
Saren looked over at her again.
"Is it your job to know my business?" he snarled.
Benezia simply raised a brow at him and got to her feet again.
"I have successfully gained a number of geth units to aid us in this path you have opened up. Perhaps your friend would be willing to help too." she said as she walked towards the door.
"No." Saren snapped. "He will not."
"He would be a-"
"No."
Benezia turned back to him with a bit of a scowl. Saren gave her a scowl of his own.
"You will need to let go of the things you want to be successful in our endeavors."
"Do not treat me like a child." he growled. "I can handle myself."
"Very well."
She turned away then, and disappeared through the doorway of the hospital. Saren looked around idly, feeling his annoyance leave him, if only in the slightest way. He decided he should look at the unread messages that had his omni tool blinking repeatedly. So he opened the tool and looked down, scrolling through the messages slowly. There was one formal message from the council, telling him they had tried to reach him at his private terminal, but that he hadn't answered, and they wished to get in touch with him about his next assignment. Two were from councilor Sparatus, asking where he was and a reason for his lack of response to the council. The last was from Nihlus. Saren felt no desire to ignore the message this time. He would read, and he would respond, because he honestly wasn't sure when he would get another chance. He let out a long sigh, then opened the message.
Hey. It's me.
I guess you would know that already, huh? Ah. Anyways, we're almost to Shera. It's a depot, kind of a half way stop to Eden Prime. We'll be staying there for a day. We've been on this ship for days. I'm not used to having a full crew with me. It's... I don't know. Annoying. I think you've rubbed off on me too much... But I guess that isn't exactly a bad thing... Never mind. That's not something to talk about here... I guess. Right? I don't know.
I know that you don't really care for the situation, but I think you'd like Shepard. She's different than what I expected. She's not as racist and suspicious as most of the crew here. They don't like having me on board... The reason that I'm here isn't exactly public knowledge yet. I don't really care for the secretive way of training someone. I liked our way of doing it. One-on-one, handling assignments. I guess not everything can be like that. Of course there were things exclusive to my training with you... But we won't talk about that. Sorry.
I don't know why I'm sending you this. Maybe I'm fishing for things, I don't know. You didn't respond to the other message I sent. Maybe that's your way of telling me to stop talking so much. That's something you would say... Spirits, if I should have learned anything from you, it should have been silence.
I'm shutting up now. I'm not sure how I haven't already, with my foot in my mouth.
Keep out of too much trouble, will you? At least until I'm with you again.
-N
Saren had to have read the message at least five times. He heard Nihlus' voice, he could see his face and every mannerism that he would have used. It was difficult. All of it was. To picture Nihlus, of all people, segregated on that human ship, hated for his very race. Of course, Nihlus was no stranger to being an outcast, with his history in the turian military, but that didn't make it any easier for Saren to imagine. He was a fine spectre that deserved respect. Saren had to stop thinking about it like that; he felt like he was praising his work, and that was something he hated. Boasting about his protege was not something that he had ever done, not out loud, anyways. He wasn't that arrogant.
He idly opened up a blank page, then hesitated as he thought out his message. Nihlus had been very... Distant. It was the fact that he was unsure where they stood, when they were not together in person. Saren knew that. But he wasn't sure how to reassure the younger turian, or if he even should. Nihlus wasn't an idiot, he knew exactly how Saren felt. It was just a matter of whether or not Saren wanted it publicly known to others. He didn't want to hide it, really. But he was never one to advertise his business. He would treat Nihlus with the same care that he did the rest of his endeavors. But denying it was there? No. He couldn't do that. Not to him.
Hey.
You know, you really do talk too much. You always have.
Don't worry yourself too much with what those humans think of your presence. You're there to do your job, you should focus on that. I don't believe I would enjoy your new friend, but I suppose I would trust your judgment if you say she is different than the others. Just make sure she is accepting this spectre training for the right reasons. When this is all said and done, you are responsible for her. Just remember that.
I would hope that the exclusiveness of our training together would prevent you from having to keep her warm, should your current ship decide to stop working properly at night. While keeping close for warmth is a necessary survival tactic, and I wouldn't want any of those dear humans to freeze, I will remind you that your mate would be severely put off if you were to lend your warmth to any of them.
You're going to do great. You always do. How could you not? I trained you.
There. A little arrogance. That is what I have learned from you. Among other things...
Take care of yourself. I'll see you soon.
-S
Saren had to read over the message a few times before he decided it would suffice. He wondered if Nihlus would read into it too much and think that Saren really was doubting him, or suspecting him of disloyalty. But again, Nihlus was smart. He would take the message for what it was, and he would respond openly, without the uncertainty that was present in the previous message.
Saren sent it, then closed out his tool. Nihlus' message was sent last night, in the early hours of the morning. Perhaps he wasn't sleeping so well either. Saren had tactically left out any parts of the reapers or his implant. He knew it would only cause concern to fester within Nihlus and Saren wouldn't distract him right now. He had a job to do. Saren would tell him in person. On Eden Prime.
He got out of the bed carefully. The ache in his head turned into a light pound. His legs were shaky, and his heart sped up, but he managed to walk. His eyes landed on the chair that sat in the small room, and he had to smile at the sight of his armor.
"Five minutes, sir."
"Everything is prepared and we are ready to go. All that's left is your signal."
Saren stared at the terminal in front of him. There were a lot of people on his ship, and a lot of voices, what with the asari commandos Benezia had brought and the robotic noises from the geth that inspected the ship's systems. But no voice stood out more than Sovereign's. It was a strange grip, and it was one that Saren could not shake. He could not block out the voice like he could before. It was a mere whisper, but it was somehow louder than the rest of the people around him. It asked questions, it made statements, it prodded Saren for information and then relayed it back to him after he had refused to talk about it. It knew the in's and out's of his mind. It knew everything. Everything except boundaries, that is. And that made him irritable, which was not a very good thing with all of these people around. He had permitted Benezia to bring her asari with her, and for the large number of geth to be on the ship, but he had somehow over estimated his patience. It had been a long time since he had worked on a ship with a full crew. So with the reaper in his mind and the people asking him a hundred different questions, Saren had quickly shut down his direction of thought on the mission and focused on Sovereign instead. That left Benezia talking to him as if he was listening, and her making executive decisions when he didn't answer the questions that were being brought to him.
He heard Sovereign speak of Eden Prime again, and the prothean beacon. The reaper was hell bent on getting there before anyone else, and Saren knew it had the power to travel that fast. It was just concerning that it was so adamant on getting there. But Saren could not rid the voice from his mind. So he was forced to listen to it go on and on about cleansing the galaxy.
"Saren?"
He blinked. An irritated growl escaped him as he looked over to Benezia.
"What?" he hissed.
"We await your orders."
"Go to Eden Prime."
"Anything else?"
"Do not stop until we are there."
Saren turned away from her. He had to be alone. Sovereign whispered in the back of his mind, asking him to consider another upgrade, but Saren pushed that thought out of his head. He felt so delusional and out of balance as it was. He didn't want another upgrade to make him feel worse. But he somehow knew that he wouldn't have a choice later on. Sovereign had a hold on his mind, and he had felt the power it had over him a few times already. When his feet wouldn't move even though he ordered them to, when he said one thing but meant the other. It was only going to get worse. And he feared that until Sovereign was dealt with, he wouldn't be able to rid himself of this.
He then felt very guilty. He hadn't said a word to Nihlus about any of this. And he had every right to know. Saren's life was at risk. But in his line of work, when wasn't it? There was no need to raise concern when the situation was under control. Saren and Benezia had a plan, and they were working together to achieve it. He would discuss it with Nihlus after they had succeeded. For now, he had to focus on getting to him. He had to focus on getting to Eden Prime.
The human planet was beautiful to Saren. At first, anyways. Then Sovereign got a hold on his mind again. It reminded him of the trouble the humans had caused, and it reminded him of what the humans had taken from him. It reminded him, needlessly, of his brother. And with the push of the reaper, Saren had ordered the geth down on the planet. It was out of the ordinary for him, and it wasn't something he typically would have done, but he needed the prothean device, and he doubted the humans would have just let him take it, spectre status or not. And there would have been bloodshed anyways. So he ordered the geth to move forward and to clear a path for him. He would find the beacon himself and get it safely to the ship, and he would find out where Nihlus was. It would interrupt his training, but there were bigger things at stake. And Nihlus would understand that.
So Saren wandered alone among the colony that was now quiet after the attack. The geth had taken care of most of the people. Benezia had wanted to aid him, but he had refused and told her he worked better alone, and that he needed time to himself with this mission. Of course she had insisted, but so had he. And now he was alone. The beacon was further ahead. He could feel it. He figured it had something to do with the grip that Sovereign had on him. But he wasn't sure about that. All he knew was that he felt the beacon, and it was close. But then he was aware of something else. There was a scent in the air, one that was familiar to him. It was a person. He heard movement behind him, and he turned to face the man that stood there, slowly dropping his aim from him.
"Saren?"
Saren attempted to give a smile, but he found that he was unable to.
"Nihlus."
The dark turian holstered his weapon, then stepped forward.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.
Saren heard the tone of surprise in Nihlus' voice. He tried to step forward, but he couldn't. His mind was quickly fogging. Sovereign whispered of the weakness once again, and Saren was not able to hush it. Saren instead reached forward and gave Nihlus a pat on the shoulder.
"The council thought you could use some help with this one." he said casually.
His tone wasn't one that he had meant to use. He found it difficult to focus on the turian in front of him. Sovereign held his mind with an iron grip. He tried explaining this, he tried to begin that conversation with Nihlus, who seemed distracted by all of the chaos around them, but he could not. His tongue failed to move and his mouth would not form words. Nihlus gave him a soft look before he looked around again. Saren could tell he was trying to remain professional with him. He wondered where his trainee was at the moment, but he couldn't bring himself to ask or to really care. Nihlus was walking past him now, looking around, trying to find answers for the geth being here.
"Why do you think the geth are attacking these people?"
Saren turned to look at him. Nihlus' guard was down. And Saren felt himself slipping even further. Sovereign had been telling him that Nihlus was a weakness, and now that he was standing in front of him again, it would seem that the reaper had a plan for him. Saren shook. He was desperately fighting against the urge to lash out at the turian. He wouldn't hurt him. Not willingly, not on purpose.
Let me.
Saren growled. It was nearly inaudible. Nearly. Nihlus stopped and listened to it for a moment. Saren put his hand on his gun and against his will, he pulled it from the holster on his hip. His hand trembled, shaking his aim from the turian ahead. He thought he was going to be sick. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be. It certainly didn't feel real. But then, the last week hadn't really felt real. He'd been unconscious with a reaper in his brain. There were reapers preparing to destroy the galaxy. And this reaper was preparing to eliminate a weakness. Saren fought, he screamed within his mind for the thing to release it's hold, but it only tightened it's grip on him.
And then his mind went blank. His mind held no trace of sanity, and he did not recognize himself in the moments that followed. He said something, something that he didn't quite catch, and he heard the gun go off, but he was unable to react. He was unable to comprehend what was happening around him. His body just acted. And when he was finally released from Sovereign's hold, he found that his feet were moving, and he was walking away from whatever just happened. He stopped. He was glad that his body was within his control again. He looked around for Nihlus, but he was disappointed in failing to spot him. He turned around, looked in that direction. He dropped the gun that was still in his hand at the sight behind him.
His mind was going numb again, but this time it wasn't from Sovereign. It was his own despair that was causing it this time. He dragged his feet forward, telling himself that he could not simply walk away. He had to look. He had to register in his mind what he had done. Something was rising in him that hadn't since his brother died, and it was threatening to spill over and wreak havoc on anything nearby. His biotics rippled over his skin. When he finally closed the space between him and the turian that now lay on the ground, he sank down to his knees. His stomach was twisted into the worst knot, his voice was gone, and his heart was racing. He carefully reached out and touched him, feeling the cool armor under his talons. He quickly pulled Nihlus into his lap, then stared down at him. His eyes were blank, his mouth open slightly. Saren had to close his eyes. It had been many, many years since he had allowed himself to let out emotions such as these, but here, he had no choice. The tears fell without him permitting them to do so.
He couldn't be sure how long he had sat there and cried and held his lover. All of it was a blur. When he opened his eyes again, he carefully closed Nihlus'. He wished he could have more time to stay with him, or at least to see to it that he had a proper burial, but his mind started to fog again, and Sovereign was barking at him to get to that beacon. The beacon itself called to him. He could not ignore it forever. So he quickly fumbled his hands over Nihlus' armor, flipping up the flap on his chest piece to reach a finger into it. He pulled out the small medallion there, and he squeezed it in his hand for a moment before he put it safely in his own pocket. He cradled Nihlus' head in his hand. He brought his head down to his and he nuzzled against him. He silently begged him to stop playing games and to wake up, but he wouldn't. So Saren nuzzled again. But there was still nothing. Tears threatened him again, but he would not let that happen. Not here. There was at least one other soldier here, and she surely would have heard the gun shot.
Saren allowed himself a kiss on Nihlus' still lips before he moved him back to the ground. Saren got to his feet. His legs threatened to give out. He forced himself to walk. He had to keep moving. He had to get away. To the beacon. He chanced a glance back to Nihlus' body after taking a few paces, and he found that his voice was still too gone to say anything at all.
