Chapter 3:
….
I have lost it for sure. The baby inside me is dead. No more.
I start to tremble, feeling the onset of tears.
Marianta looking at me with worry, walks towards me, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder.
"Darling…" she coaxes. I cannot help but look at her, frozen, with fear filling my body.
"You're just a little early" she gives a reassuring, friendly smile. "Happens to women all the time- nothing to be ashamed of".
She doesn't understand. She just thinks I've got my period, she doesn't know what this could mean. I give a numb nod, clutching the bench for support. My mind immediately flies to Peeta….Peeta! What will be do when he learns that I lost his unborn child? Hate me? Despise me? Never look at me again? Divorce me? I swallow heavily as a small tear wells in my eye.
"I have to go" I whisper. Still trembling, I leave Marianta's house and make my way numbly back to Doctor Messah's office. I want to know why! Why my body hates me so! Why I lost the one thing dear to Peeta. Why this happened! As I open the door, he is sitting in his office, writing. He looks up, clearly surprised to see me again, a small forming.
"Katniss!" he greets me. "What are you doing back here so soon!". But I see his eyes change as soon as he sees the tears rolling down my cheek. A concerned frown creasing his forehead.
"What is it?" he asks gently.
Wordlessly, I simply turn, revealing the blood on my pants. In the deadly silence, I hear his small gasp. He stands and walks to the cupboard in the corner of the room and pulls out a thin cotton gown for me to put on.
After I am changed, he pulls out various instruments and begins his testing. But I'm not paying attention, I can't help replaying it all in my head. I should've told Peeta about the baby. I should've allowed him that moment of happiness..
NO! Maybe it's better this way. He will not have to endure the pain, he doesn't even need to know that there ever was a baby. That way, his heart remains intact and he doesn't need to suffer the pain and the loss. Yes! Its decided. I will not tell Peeta anything. Dr Messah can just give me something to stop the pain and then it's back to normal. This whole episode will never have happened. I will be the one to bear the pain.
"Katniss?" Dr Messah interrupts my thoughts, I can tell by this frown that he's might've been trying for a while to get my attention.
"Is it dead" I ask flatly, staring at the ground.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to admit you into hospital" he frowns, rising and taking off his gloves.
"What?" I demand, also rising, sitting up on the exam bed.
"I haven't got the equipment to make a proper diagnosis" he replies "in hospital, I'll be able to find out the cause of this bleeding".
"The baby is dead" I tell him harshly. "What else could this be?"
He shakes his head "there are many possible explanations. Maybe you were never pregnant. Maybe it is just a little blood- sometimes blood appears even though the woman is pregnant. We do not have to jump immediately to the worst possible conclusion" he gazes at he knowingly.
I avert my eyes to avoid his gaze and return to staring at the floor.
"Do you want me to call Peeta for you?" he asks gently.
"No!" I exclaim, looking up sharply, giving him my sternest frown. "He doesn't know yet. I don't want to worry him".
Dr Messah opens his mouth to speak, but decides against it, pressing his lips together and giving a curt nod.
Its dead. It's gone. It's not alive.
….
A couple of hours later I'm sitting in an armchair in my hospital room, staring mindlessly out the window. A Mockingjay flutters over and lands in the nearby tree, looking closely I can see it has a nest.
Great! So everyone has babies except for me.
"Katniss?", a man, about 40 years old with greying brown hair and a friendly smile looks at me expectantly.
"My name is Doctor Jains" he holds out his hand, which I shake. "How are you feeling?".
I shrug my shoulders in reply and return my gaze to the mockingjay's nest. He senses my reluctance and disinterest and sits down opposite me, clutching his papers in his right hand.
"This must be a lot to take in" he continues gently. I can sense an almost childish tone and immediately feel resentment creeping up. I hate people patronising me.
"We've done all the tests are just waiting on results. Do you need anything? Food? Water? I can ask one of the nurses to call your husband for you?" I can feel his eyes burying into me. He wants me to call Peeta.
I look up at him with my stern scowl and shake my head. "I will do that" I tell him "when I'm ready".
"You shouldn't be going through this alone", he pushes, maintaining the patronising tone. "I'm sure your husband wants to be here with you, to help you through this".
"I will do it" I repeat firmly "when I'm ready!"
Dr Jains sighs and nods, standing up. "I will return in a little while when your results are back" he tells me before walking out.
Somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach I do feel guilt. This man is simply trying to help. But he doesn't understand, doesn't know the pain. Doesn't know how Peeta will take the news. But I do.
I feel empty. Now I want the baby. I want a child of my own, a little life to hold and cherish. I want a family with Peeta, I want to be happy with him and our child. But that is gone, that dream doesn't exist anymore. And I hate myself. I hate that I resented the baby. I hate that I wanted it gone. This is just life punishing me. Life is giving me exactly what I wanted.
But I'm used to the pain. Katniss Everdeen- the girl who won a Hunger Games, who started a war, got her own district blown up, lost her beloved sister, watches two Tributes die every year….pain is second nature to me- almost like breathing. But this is different. I am mourning the loss of a life that I never saw, never got to experience…it is different this time. Before I know it, I feel tears start to trickle down my cheeks. I close my eyes, welcoming the darkness….hoping it will take me somewhere else but here..
…
…
…..
I wake up slowly, stirring, squinting as my eyes adjust to the bright light in the room. Someone has covered me in a blanket, but I find the room empty. Probably just one of the nurses. I stand and stretch out contently. But suddenly the memories of the day come flooding back and the emptiness once again fills my stomach. It is like a black hole, sucking me right in. I turn my head and look back out the window, focusing on the birds nest. I watch as the mother Mockingjay tends to the nest.
"Katniss?"
I immediately freeze. That voice… NO!
…..
A/N: Hmm…was going to continue, but this is an excellent cliffhanger! I know this a little shorter, but please enjoy!
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