[[ A/N: Wrote this after one of my girlfriends broke up with me. Figured it was fitting, since she roleplayed Lavi. Poor Allen…please pray for him.
Disclaimer:I do not own anything within other than the words. C:
WARNING: Neah is actually helpful. But to his own end, as usual. ]]
Contritione Cordis
. T h e . B r e a k i n g . O f . A . H e a r t .
-~*[ Allen Walker's POV]*~-
All I remembered was agony. I was in so much pain that I could not move, speak, or even breathe. All I could do was lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, my heavy, aching heart beating slowly, barely enough to keep me alive. My mind was racing, playing back the memories of you and I together, reliving each touch, each laugh, each whispered word of adoration.
It hurt. It hurt so badly that I wanted to cry, but no tears welled up in my eyes. Struggling against the pain enveloping my senses, I raised my left hand to the ceiling, reaching out to the God whom I was supposed to believe in.
"Help me…!"
My voice was soft, broken, depressing, almost not my own. I stared at the glittering cross embedded in my hand, hoping somewhere in the dark sorrow surrounding my mind that it would comfort me. As though my Innocence heeded me, it gave a bright flash and began its invocation, the heavy black claws and supple white cloak forming where they belonged. The silver mask slid down over my eyes as the crowned hood settled onto my head; I stared through the eye holes of the mask, watching my clawed hand reach for the heavens beyond my ceiling. Pathetic. Weak. Alone. Scared. My mind, reeling in despair and pain, chanted a mantra of loneliness and agony, tying me to that bed and what had happened in it.
'We' was all that I had. The concept of 'us,' of what you and I had made, drove my actions. I knew I would have to try to grasp the concept of 'me,' of 'I,' before I could come to terms with your absence. Loving you…it was everything to me. I wanted to be by your side; be it as your friend or your lover, I needed you in my life.
Your rejection had hurt me.
At the memory of that day, the much-needed tears pricked at the backs of my eyes. I felt the sting of your words, each sentence driving into my broken heart like a dagger.
"No more, Allen. No more."
The tears overflowed, wetting my cheeks beneath my mask. Sobs ripped from my aching lungs, the deplorable sound making me feel even worse for myself. I rolled over onto my side and curled into a shivering ball of tears, claws, and fur, clutching my head in my palms as my cries continued.
Each day since then had passed the same: nervous, sad, and afraid. Inside I had been hoping that you would come to see me, but I always knew that you weren't man enough. I had tried every possible way to escape my feelings or change my heart, but nothing had worked. All that I could do was chase you, hoping that one day you would talk to me. That night, as I cried and screamed myself hoarse, I asked myself the questions that everyone else had: "Why do you do this? Why? Why suffer like this?"
"…why stay in love with this man?"
Allen Walker looked out the window in silence, watching the rain drip down the windowpane. His gray eyes were blank, emotionless; they stared out at the scene playing out beyond the glass with little interest.
People ran inside the building, trees shivered under the rain and breeze, and umbrellas were popping open above those who dared to be outside. Allen watched every motion with disinterest, his attention clearly elsewhere. His friends were milling around behind him, talking and laughing amiably. Allen, however, wanted no part of the conversation. His mind was focused elsewhere, on deeper and more serious things.
Outside the window, his ex was standing in the rain. There was no mistaking his red hair.
Allen glared down at the Bookman-in-training, silver eyes harsh and unforgiving. How dare that redhead show up here? How dare he? After all that he had said, all that had transpired between them since Lavi had left him-!
And inside the whitehead's mind, Neah Walker smiled and said: "Let me out."
Allen caved, hiding his broken heart behind the aloof mystique of his inner Noah. He couldn't take the frustration, the ache, the heartbreak of being forbidden from being Lavi's comrade. Friendship meant a lot to the younger Exorcist; denying it to him was very harsh, the cruelest punishment.
And so Neah led Allen away from the window and down the hallway. The Noah would defend the younger boy from further pain by destroying his feelings, regardless of their depth in his heart.
