(And now ladies and gentlemen here is a sketch I call…Ximenez answers some letters.)

XIMENEZ ANSWERS SOME LETTERS

(Cardinal Ximenez is shown to be sitting behind a desk that has a lot of letters on it.)

Ximenez : good evening heresy committing sons of…(man off-screen pokes him with a stick) alright fine I'll get on with it (pulls a letter out, opens it, and reads it), 'Dear sirs, my husband hasn't been giving me good treatment in bed, what should I do? Signed yours truly Alotta Fagina. P.S. I have never slept with Jay Leno.' (puts letter down) miss Fagina in my personal opinion you should BURN YOUR HUSBAND AT THE STAKE BUT FIRST MAKE HIM CONFESS BWAHAHAHA.

(two thugs rush in and beat him up, the screen fades to black and we see the words "FIVE MINUTES LATER. We reopen and see that Ximenez has a bandaged head.)

Ximenez: now for the next letter (pulls a letter out, opens it, and reads it),'Dear sir my Mom refused to get me a pony for my birthday, what should I do? Signed John Le F***** age 4.' (puts letter down) the same thing I'd do TRY HER FOR HERESY (man pokes him with stick off-screen) alright I'll shut up…jeeze (pulls a letter out, opens it, and reads it) 'Dear sir, I suspect my wife is checking on me what should I do? Signed Eric Galore.' (Puts letter down) easy ship her to South Park with rest of those heresy committing bastards.

Author: (pops up out of nowhere) no offense to South Park fans.

Ximenez: who the F*** are you?

Author: I'm the Author.

Ximenez: well scram this is my sketch.

Author: but I wrote it.

Ximenez: what?

Author: I wrote the sketch.

Ximenez: well it's my sketch so bugger off.

Author : alright but you'll be sorry (walks off-screen).

Ximenez: finally now that he's gone I can get something done (pulls a letter out, opens it, and reads it), 'Dear sir, a knight is constantly hitting me with a chicken what should I do? Signed Arthur Pewty' (puts it away) easy you…

(The Knight-Hits-People-With-A-Chicken, rushes in and knocks Ximenez out. He walks out and the Author walks in.)

Author: and now for something completely different (explodes but we can still hear his voice) don't worry I'm okay.