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Chapter 3:
Dark and Deep
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"We always have a choice
Or at least I think we do
We can always use our voice
I thought this to be true
"We can live in fear
Extend ourselves to love
We can fall below
Or lift ourselves above
"Fear can stop you lovin'
Love can stop your fear
Fear can stop you lovin'
But it's not always that clear"
--- Morcheeba, "Fear and Love"
~*~*~*~
1332 Zulu
27 October 2003
Harm's Apartment
North of Union Station
Washington, DC
Harm rolled over and groaned. His head hurt, his mouth tasted like the inside of a dirty sock, and he *really* had to go. He threw back the covers, climbed out of bed, and shuffled to the bathroom. He emptied his bladder with a sigh of relief, washed out his mouth, and rummaged in the medicine cabinet for some Tylenol (tm).
Harm found the medication, swallowed a couple, and headed back to bed. He fell asleep quickly, only to be woken up a few hours later by racket coming from the direction of his kitchen. He grabbed his robe, threw it on, stumbled out into the living room, and into the kitchen. "Beth?" he said groggily, "what are you doing here?"
Beth turned, pulled some milk and eggs out of the fridge, and deposited the items on the counter. "You said I could stay on your couch because my apartment is being fumigated, remember?"
Harm yawned and rubbed his hand over his face. "Oh, yeah, right. You came over with beer last night."
"Uh huh." Beth broke an egg in the pan and gestured towards the table. "Sit down, and I'll have breakfast ready in a few; then you can go back to bed." She picked up a spatula and pointed it at him. "You, my friend, are in dire need of more sleep."
Harm shuffled over to the table and sat down. Part of him wanted to argue, but it felt damn good to have somebody take care of him for once. He rested his head on one hand and watched her cook. "So why are you cooking?" he asked finally.
"You've lost weight, Harm," Beth said softly. "My guess is that you haven't been eating, and *somebody* needs to make sure that you do." She stirred the contents of the pan for a moment before she turned towards him. "I've no wish to break in a new partner for a while, so it's up to me to make sure that you're okay."
Harm drew circles on the table with one finger. "I *am* okay," he protested.
"Suuure," Beth said. She pulled the pan off the stove, dumped the contents on a plate, added toast, then walked over and placed it in front of him. "That's why you're so miserable that you haven't been taking care of yourself." She grabbed a glass out of the cupboard, opened a new carton of orange juice, filled the glass, and put it next to the plate. "Eat," she ordered.
Harm poked the pile of scrambled eggs on his plate and frowned before he took a bite. "I haven't been hungry lately," he admitted hesitantly."
"Why is that?" she asked.
"Paraguay," he admitted with a grimace. "I realized that Mac was *right*. I've got nothing"
"No, she wasn't," Beth insisted. "Mac is an idiot. If I were straight, and a guy like you did what you did for her, I sure as hell wouldn't treat him that badly." She patted him on the shoulder. "You've got me, Harm, and I'm no fair weather friend to desert you when you get into trouble; I swear I won't."
"She never really did--until I ended up in the brig for something I didn't do. I wonder... if I'd ended up in Leavenworth, would she have come then?" Harm laughed humorlessly. "I guess we'll never know, because it seems like I'm destined to stay alone, and I'm damn tired of it! Why do I *always* have to be the lone hero? Can't I ever be allowed to have what I want the most?"
Beth leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "No, you're not 'destined' for that. Remember how I said that if you called her, you'd know if it was over?"
Wordlessly, Harm nodded.
"I could be wrong," she offered. "It seems to me that she was pretty on edge in Paraguay; maybe she didn't really mean it. You *are* entitled to be happy, perhaps you just need to reach for it. Talk to her, Harm, make her listen to how *you* feel."
Harm took a deep breath and nodded. "I'll think about it. Maybe after our next mission." He glanced at the clock. "Speaking of which, don't we need to get going?"
Beth shook her head, and headed over to the stove to cook her own breakfast. "I talked to the boss this morning, and we've got a few days off. You're *not* allowed to sub for anyone, either, because you need sleep. Now eat your breakfast and go back to *bed*."
Harm sighed and picked up his fork. "Yes, Mommy."
Beth rolled her eyes and grinned mischievously. "Well, kiddo, it's a dirty job, but *somebody* has to do it."
Harm grabbed a towel off the back of a chair, balled it up, and threw it at her. Beth caught the towel and stuck her tongue out at him. He chuckled, shook his head, and started to eat. Maybe things weren't as bad as he had thought. No matter what the JAG crew thought of him, he still had *one* friend in his corner, and it was a good feeling to know that *somebody* still cared.
~*~*~*~
2006 Zulu
15 November 2003
AJ Chedwiggen's office
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, VA
AJ picked up a file and winced as he heard shouting coming from the bullpen... again. In the eight months that Rabb had been gone, he'd heard more fighting and more strife in his offices than ever before. He grimaced and realized once more how *good* the commander had been for the morale at Headquarters. The hole he left due to the SECNAV's orders just couldn't be filled. He'd found replacements for Singer and Imes, but he didn't have anyone who could fit into Harm's shoes.
Part of him didn't want to because replacing Harm would be admitting defeat. He *needed* the other half of his best team back; Mac wasn't happy without him around and she was making everyone aware of that fact. As time passed, the likelihood of getting him back faded. After so long, it was unlikely that he could pry Rabb away from the Company and have a whole man.
AJ had worked enough covert ops with them to know that working long term with agencies like the CIA could easily steal parts of a man's soul. He hadn't found anything he could do about that, but there might be something he could do to fix Rabb's personal life. He pushed the intercom button. "Coates, I need Colonel Mackenzie."
"Yes, sir, I'll go get her."
AJ leaned back in his leather chair, and sighed. It had to work. When Mac had come back, she'd acted as if nothing untoward had happened, and treated Rabb's sacrifice as if it meant nothing. *Somebody* had to talk some sense into her, had to make her see what she'd done to the man who'd given up absolutely everything he had left for her. Since nobody else was stepping up to do it, he guessed it was up to him.
AJ looked up as Mac walked in and came to attention in front of his desk. "Colonel Mackenzie, reporting as ordered, sir."
"At ease, Colonel. Take a seat."
"What is it you needed to see me about, sir?" she asked.
"First of all, Mac, I'm not talking to you as your CO, but I *will* order you to stay put until I've finished if I have to." AJ leaned forward and clasped his hands together.
"Yes, sir."
"Have you heard from Harm lately, Mac?"
"No, sir." Mac said, looking subdued.
"Considering what I've heard about Paraguay, I'm not surprised," AJ returned ruefully.
Mac's head snapped up and she glared at him. "What *have* you heard, sir?"
"I got an email from Gunny after all of you got back that filled me in on just about everything," AJ folded his arms over his chest and looked at Mac. He knew his people, and she was reacting exactly as he thought she would.
"He didn't *have* to come after us," she muttered. "Gunny could've rescued us all by himself."
AJ shook his head. "You don't know, do you, Mac? Gunny was waiting for Harm to show up; Webb had told him that he should be waiting for him as backup."
Mac's eyes widened. "You mean they were going to just *leave* us there?"
AJ shrugged. "That's the Company for you; you screw up, you die. Mac, I'm not even going to go into the number of men Harm had to kill, some with his bare hands even, but have you *really* thought about what he did?" AJ sighed and started fiddling with a pen from his desk. "I asked him what he'd give up to keep you, and he's proven that. My question for you is what are *you* willing to give up to get him back?"
Mac sputtered as if she didn't know what to say.
"I've been his CO and friend for longer than I've known you, and he has problems saying what he feels. *Think* about what you know about him Mac. You two have been best friends for eight *years*."
"On and off," she muttered.
"*Everyone* he's ever said those words to that you want so much has either died or left him, so he doesn't say them." He swiveled his chair around to face her more fully. "He's already proven that he loves you, Mac; what in hell more could you want?"
"The words?" Mac whispered.
"The words you want will come eventually, Mac, but you have to let him in and let him know how *you* feel." AJ looked at her earnestly. "Have you ever come out and told him how you feel? Have you ever said, 'I love you, Harm'?"
Mac twisted her hands in her lap, a blush rising in her cheeks. "Sort of... well, no. I think he thought I was propositioning him for a one night stand or something."
AJ leveled a glare at her. "Mac, *fix* this. Go camp out on his doorstep until he shows up or something, but get your act together! He's not in my chain of command anymore, so when the two of you get married, there won't be those problems."
"Don't you mean, 'if', sir?"
"No, Colonel, I mean *when*. I've rarely seen what the two of you have, and if both of you ever get your heads out of your sixes, I'll expect a wedding invitation. Harm did it, so now we're just waiting on you."
"Are you *sure*, sir?"
"He wouldn't have gone to Paraguay and thrown his career away for anyone else, Mac. Now, go try and talk to him, *that's* an order."
Mac stood and snapped to attention. "Yes, *sir*."
"Dismissed." AJ watched as Mac left his office, then sighed. He hoped it wasn't too late; those two needed each other. He dismissed his officers' love lives from his mind and reached for some paperwork. He had things to take care of.
~*~*~*~
