Author's Note: All righty, this is what will happen. This week, I will put up a new chapter every day. This fic shall be finished!
Enjoy and please review!
"…and that is why I've gathered you all here today."
Kiba, Akamaru, and Shino stared at Shikamaru incredulously.
"Are you saying that the ladies don't like us and that's why you want our advice on how to drive women away?" Kiba said, his voice growing louder in anger. "I have been considered the epitome of male charm by many women, thank you very much!"
Akamaru growled at Shikamaru, baring his teeth.
"Uh…" Shikamaru had to speak carefully. He couldn't afford to offend them. Shikamaru didn't want to admit it, but he desperately needed their help. "No…I just…"
"I find this rather offensive, Shikamaru," Shino said softly. He began to walk away. "I'm leaving."
Kiba and Akamaru followed him, leaving Shikamaru standing alone on the sidewalk.
"Wait!" Shikamaru thought quickly. "I…I need your wisdom!"
Kiba, Akamaru, and Shino turned around.
"I will not be bought by your indirect compliments," Shino said lightly. "Kiba, Akamaru, let's go."
"My wisdom?!" Kiba rushed forward, clapping Shikamaru on the shoulder. "Well, of course I'll help you, buddy!"
Shino sighed. "Kiba…"
Shikamaru gave him a tight-lipped smile and took a step back.
"All right," he said decisively. "Temari and I are going to the Konoha museum tomorrow. So here is the plan…"
"Come in, Kiba, Shino. Can you hear me?"
"Yup," Kiba said into the microphone. "Sure can."
"Kiba," Shino said, staring at him through mirrored sunglasses. "You are not being very professional. We are on a mission."
"What are you talking about?" Kiba chuckled. "Me, not being professional? Pssh."
"You should have replied, 'ten-four,'" Shino replied.
Kiba glanced at the clock. "But it's twelve-forty-five."
Shino sighed.
Kiba began to laugh. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding! Geez."
Shino stared at him, unimpressed.
"I don't think you were."
Shikamaru, as inconspicuously as possible, adjusted his ear-piece. The microphone was hidden under his shirt collar. He took a deep breath. Shino and Kiba were to instruct him on what to say, while listening in to the conversation.
The only problem was, Shikamaru had to somehow bug Temari.
Literally.
Earlier, Shino had ordered Shikamaru to outstretch his hand. Carefully, Shino set something on his palm.
"Eh?" Shikamaru held his hand up to his eyes. "What's this?"
"This is my tracking bug," Shino stated simply.
"But it's…real," Shikamaru said. The small black insect skittered nervously across his skin. "What am I supposed to do with a real bug?"
"This bug will be absorbing any sound waves or electrical impulses around him," replied Shino, somewhat stiffly. "My other bugs can sense his chakra, thus receiving all of that information and relaying it to me. Then, Kiba and I will be able to know exactly what is going on."
Shikamaru looked at him quizzically. "You're sure about this?
"Shikamaru," he said seriously, "I'm extremely confident when it comes to my bugs." He gazed at Shikamaru from behind mirrored glasses. "They live inside of me, after all. We have an unbreakable bond." A horde of black insects began collecting around his face. "An…unbreakable…bond."
"Er, yes you do," Shikamaru said, surreptitiously taking a step back. "Thanks."
Now, he could see Temari making her way up the pathway. She was taking uncertain steps. Shikamaru tilted his head to the side. Was something wrong?
Ah, well. He would make sure of it soon. Shikamaru began to walk forward.
"Temari!" he called cheerfully, holding out his arms. "How are you?"
She certainly looked stunned as Shikamaru abruptly pulled her into a bear hug. He secretly placed the tiny insect under the collar of her shirt.
"Hi!" she said after Shikamaru had let go. She looked slightly panicky. After yesterday's outburst, she was very wary. "Uh, so, ready to go?"
"Of course!" Shikamaru answered good-naturedly. "Let's be off!"
He gallantly opened the door for Temari, stepping aside. While she went through the door, Shikamaru hissed into his lapel, "What should I do?"
"Wait," Shino answered calmly.
"What?!"
"Shikamaru, are you coming?" Temari asked. She frowned. "Who are you talking to?"
"Um…" Shikamaru furrowed his eyebrows pensively. "Myself."
"Oh. All right," Temari was confused. "Shall we go?"
"Right. Yes," he answered distantly.
"Okay." As they entered, Temari stole a look at Shikamaru. He almost looked as if he was listening to something, nodding at every word. But yet there was no one around them. Perhaps he was listening to some godforsaken voice in his head that no one else could hear. Temari grimaced at the thought. Voices inside his head. That would explain everything.
Great, she thought grimly. I'm marrying a psychopath.
Kiba, Shino, and Akamaru sat around the table. A collection of black insects sat next to a radio, feeding all of the received chakra signals into the device for everyone to hear.
"Oh. All right. Shall we go?" Temari's voice came through the radio speakers.
"Right. Yes."
"Okay."
"So they're in," Kiba mused. "We have to make Shikamaru seem as obnoxious as possible so Temari will tell Gaara to call off the wedding." He put one fist under his chin. "Interesting."
Shino ignored him and picked up the microphone. "Okay, Shikamaru. Go to the sculpture garden and wait for further instructions."
"Got it."
"Shikamaru? Who are you talking to?"
"Er, nothing." There was an uncomfortable pause. "Want to go to the sculpture garden?"
"All right."
Shino spoke. "We have to wait and see how things turn out, first. Then we can provide instructions."
Kiba sighed, leaning back into his chair. "Waiting, huh?" He glanced over at Akamaru, who was seated on the table next to Shino's insects. Akamaru barked at the small creatures, batting them around in his paws.
"Hey, Akamaru, quit it," Kiba called. The nin-dog whined.
"We must come up with a plan. Something so intolerable that Temari will immediately contact Gaara," Shino said, lacing his fingers together. "Any ideas?"
A devilish grin spread across Kiba's face.
"Hell yes."
Shikamaru sat down on a stone bench across from Temari.
"How have you been doing?"
"I'm fine," Temari said wearily.
"You look tired," Shikamaru said. He fixed her with a stare. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm okay," Temari said. She didn't tell him that she had woken up several times during the night, plagued by nightmares of yesterday's date. "Just…didn't get enough sleep, I guess."
Shikamaru suddenly got that distant look in his eyes. He made a small noise in his throat.
Temari looked at him. "Are you alright?"
Her fiancée looked as though he was being possessed. He was whispering to himself.
"Er, Shikamaru…?"
"Let's go to the painting gallery," he said quietly. "There's…something I have to do."
"All right then."
Oh god…
Shikamaru and Temari fell in step as they made their way down the corridor. Pristine portraits plastered the walls. Between each painting, there were large plaques mounted on the wall, warning visitors to refrain from touching the artwork.
Temari stopped at a canvas. "Shikamaru, look at this," she said, laughing. "Is this what I think it is?"
With precise strokes, the artist had painted a collection of kunai and shuriken. Next to the pile lay a steaming bowl of ramen.
"That Naruto kid would love this," said Temari, shaking her head. She grinned. "I bet all of the art critics love it too. Breaking new ground. Avant-garde."
The painting gallery security guard glared at them.
Temari noticed that Shikamaru had his eyes trained carefully on the painting.
"I…must…touch it."
Temari raised her eyebrows.
"Excuse me?"
Shikamaru faced her. "I must touch the painting."
"But there's a do not tou—"
Her fiancée ran forward and pressed his palms against the painting. The museum guard came sprinting over, his face livid. Alarms sounded, red lights flashed. Over the loudspeaker, a cold, automated voice spoke.
Code red in painting gallery. Code red.
"We have to go, Temari," Shikamaru said seriously. "Run."
"Run," Temari echoed faintly. She paled as a dozen museum guards began flooding into the room.
"You know, I kinda feel sorry for Temari," Kiba remarked. "Don't you?"
Shino stared at him. "A good shinobi never feels emotion on a mission."
"Well, maybe it's just you," Kiba said. "You never feel emotion."
Shino ignored him. "What's that crunching sound?"
"What crunching so—" Kiba turned his head. "Oh…shit."
Akamaru sat on the table, looking guilty. Shino's insects were all gone, save for a few legs.
"Your dog just ate my bugs," Shino said quietly.
As they ran, Shikamaru began to speak into the hidden microphone in his lapel.
"Shino, Kiba, come in," he said under his breath. "Now what do we do?"
There was silence.
"Huh," Shikamaru said to himself. "Shino's bugs must not be working. Something must be wrong."
"Shikamaru. Follow me."
Temari led the shinobi into the women's bathroom.
"Quick, hide in the stall," she whispered. "We're going to have to change our appearances."
Temari and Shikamaru scrambled into a stall, locking the door. They both stood on the toilet, crouching down.
"I'll go first," Temari said in a soft voice. "Henge no jutsu!"
In a puff of smoke, she transformed into an elderly, graying woman. "Now you go," she said in a high-pitched voice.
"Henge no jutsu." When the smoke cleared, Nara Yoshino appeared.
"Your mother?" Temari asked.
"Eh, I couldn't think of anyone else," Shikamaru shrugged.
They carefully unlocked the stall door and exited the bathroom. Once outside, a pair of guards blocked their way.
"The museum is closed, ladies. A code red has been issued," a burly man said. "You must leave."
They obliged without a word.
"Well, Shikamaru, that certainly was an adventure. I had a lovely time," Temari said with a laugh. "I'll see you tomorrow."
He waved. "See you tomorrow."
As they walked away from each other, their faces darkened.
Psychotic, Temari thought darkly. She closed her eyes, sighing. She couldn't stop the marriage; she had accepted it weeks ago. But what really angered her were those goddamn diplomatic rules. Temari would have liked nothing better than to smack Shikamaru across the face.
She frowned, scratching at her scalp. Lice? It felt as though a horde of insects were nipping at her skin. She began to scratch like crazy. What he didn't know was that Shino's bugs were taking up residence in her hair.
Crazy. Shikamaru shook his head grimly. There was no way in hell he was going to marry her. Why didn't Temari tell him off? She had to be insane to put up with his obnoxious antics.
The engaged pair paced farther and farther from each other, each plotting their next step.
Shikamaru walked into his apartment to find Akamaru and Kiba tied to a chair with duct tape, socks stuffed in their mouths. Shino was sitting on the couch. He looked pleased with himself.
"What is going on here?" Shikamaru said, raising his eyebrows.
Shino faced Shikamaru, his expression dead serious.
"No one eats my bugs. No one."
