Chapter 2

-or-

Chapter 3

Because the stupid prologue is still messing up the chapter numbers


Link walked through the twilit woods with a slouch uncharacteristic of a hero. The dirt path between Ordon Village and his home was a narrow one just big enough for two broad-shouldered men to stand abreast, though you could probably fit a third lanky guy in there if you really tried.

Trees surrounded the path on either side. The ones closest to the trail were skinny tall things, and not close together. The further out you got, however, the thicker the trees became in both number and size. A few feet from the path was all it took before the wooden pillars became a cage far too dense to move through. All of Ordon Village was surrounded by such a thick wood, serving to keep the beaten track the only practical way in or out of the town. This benefited the village by making it much easier to keep out unwanted wild animals and homeless people.

The smaller trees were bare now, their orange leaves dutifully raked off the path (by Link, at the town's request). The larger trees kept most of their leaves even through winter, though this winter seemed to have started early. Most winters saw no snow in the southern side of Hyrule, but that day in Ordon the temperature had dropped noticeably, and a light snowfall had begun.

Luckily Link had the comfortably warm Hero's Clothes to keep him comfortably warm. The luxury of comfort was lost on him as he dragged his boots across the ground, disrupting the trail's pattern of foot and hoofprints and leaving a pair of dark lines in the dust.

Helping people all day had managed to be both tedious and tiring, and he still had a splitting headache from when he rolled into that rock. The worst part of the day had been when a local shop owner had lost her cat for the millionth time, and Link was put through an embarrassing episode when he chased it up a tree barking at it. He had spent the whole day helping people out with their chores, and it was far too late now for any decent adventuring to be had. He might have had time if his horse had been with him, but halfway through the day BUTTOCKS had run out of town to trot around Hyrule Field. Link could understand his horse's thirst for adventure, but did not appreciate being left behind to walk his way through town, chores taking considerably longer.

The only interesting part of the day had been when Ilia's father had told Link about the unusual customer who had been by the ranch that morning. He had been asking with a strange accent about princesses and castles and other odd questions that people usually didn't ask in Ordon, being as far away from Castle Town as it was. But what had made this customer extremely unusual was the currency he provided upon buying a horse. He had simply given over a handful of gold coins, and then asked if it would be enough.

"It was a lot more than enough." Ilia's father had said when he showed Link the take. "Not that I told him that." The coins were gigantic, nearly as big around as a man's head. A strange symbol that Link did not recognize had been emblazoned on either side of each coin; what appeared to be a large spotted mushroom with beady eyes.

Link was taken from his brooding when he arrived at the small clearing outside his tree/house and saw a cloaked figure on a horse beneath its branches.

The rider rode on a pitch white horse. She was a girl, by the look of her build. The rider I mean, not the horse (though the horse was quite feminine by horse standards). Everything but the woman's chin was shrouded by the dark gray cloak she wore, but there was something very familiar about that chin.

Link approached her, ready to brandish the Ordonian Sword he wore on his back at the first sign of trouble.

She rode to him.

"Link!" the woman called.

It was by her voice that Link recognized who she was. He immediately bent down to kneel before Princess Zelda.

"Thank you, but your courtesies aren't necessary." she said. "Zelda isn't here right now."

Confused, Link looked up at the woman on the horse.

A pair of bright red eyes looked back at him.


Pleasant Path was an aptly named place. It was a simple dirt road lined with trees, bushes, flowers and seemingly endless fields of grass. Curved mountains stood tall in the distance, covered by lush greenery. It was almost always sunny, yet there was always a tree close enough to provide adequate shade when you needed a break from the heat. Rabbits and butterflies and colorful singing birds were the only residents, though if the fauna wasn't company enough there would usually be some friendly folk from the nearby Toad Town who were out on a stroll and eager to chat.

As Luigi made his mad dash to Toad Town, Pleasant Path managed to spectacularly fail at living up to its name. The rain was pouring down hard, far too heavy for any tree to provide cover. His plan was to keep running until he found a safe dry place to hide. After a few hours of crying he would try to recuperate and figure out what had just happened. Fear, adrenaline and a small feeling close to determination coursed through him as he ran tumbling forward in the dark.

When he finally reached Toad Town's main gate he collapsed against one of its concrete support beams. Toad Town Gate was hardly an actual gate at all, as it had no door. It was four white stone pillars holding up a curved red-tiled roof with 'Toad Town' written on a golden plaque.

All of Toad Town looked as if it had been designed by a child using nothing but colorful building blocks. Oh, the houses were made of normal materials like wood and plaster and everything else that goes into a house. But the shapes and colors were all quite playful. A mass of brightly colored squares, triangles and cylinders spread onward for as far as the eye could see. The capital of the Mushroom Kingdom had been designed with twisting streets linking houses and stores that were packed tightly together like a citywide suburb. Unlike most suburbs, there were no two houses that looked the same. Like most suburbs, the layout was labyrinthine.

Luigi stumbled down the middle of the brick road that led from Toad Town Gate to the entrance of Peach's Castle. He was moving much more slowly now, fatigued but still desperately trying to get help. He could have just knocked on any random toad's door and they would have been happy to help him, but they would be sleeping at this hour and Luigi felt like it would be rude to wake them.

Peach's Castle stood in the center of Toad Town. It was surrounded by a moat, a massive garden on all sides, and a tall concrete wall that separated the Castle Grounds from the rest of Toad Town. Luigi arrived at the curtain wall and looked up at the large double doors that would open into the Castle Courtyard. They were a good thirty feet tall, and made of metal four feet thick. A coat of blue had been painted over them, and half of a massive golden star bolted onto each door.

"Hello?" Luigi called to the toads he knew were on the other side. "I need to get into the castle! It's-a me, Luigi! Mario's brother!"

No answer. As usual, the guards with the night shift had fallen asleep. Luigi leaned against one of the giant doors and almost attempted to open it before giving up. He slid to the ground with his back against the blue metal and sighed. He had escaped that crazy mask guy and ran all the way to the gates of Peach's Castle, and now he couldn't even get in.

Luigi was about ready to cry when he took notice of a nearby house. The perimeter of the building was perfectly round, its floors a single story plus an attic, with a roof that curved upward like an upside-down ice-cream cone. The house was painted blue. Not some kind of navy blue or sky blue or periwinkle blue, it was blue blue. Tiny lights shaped like stars dotted the sides of the structure, accompanied only by a single wooden door. This building was well known in Toad Town for being home to the shaman Merlon, a fortuneteller who could tell you your future for a small fee. Cash only.

Luigi figured it was as good a way as any to figure out what to do next. He walked up to the house and raised his fist. Before he could knock on the door it swung open and hit him in the face, knocking him onto his butt.

Merlon stood above him in the doorway. The shaman was covered by layers of blue robes and hoods. His face was kept hidden by a spell, every feature but his glowing gold eyes and overflowing mustache covered in shadow.

"Aha!" went the shaman, "Mario, there you are! I've been waiting for you. You should have gotten here sooner, I was about to go looking for you."

Merlon offered his blue-gloved hand and started helping Luigi to his feet, but let go of him half way up, letting Luigi fall again.

"Luigi!? What are you doing here? Curse this darkness, I thought you were your brother." Merlon walked out of the doorway and began looking around, not bothered by the rain. "Is Mario here? I was sure he would be the one to come and see me."

"No." said Luigi. "It's just me. Mario exploded."

The shaman turned to him, his glowing eyes wide and yellow against his shadow face. Merlon ran to Luigi, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, and dragged him inside the house.

Before Luigi could say or do anything Merlon shoved him into a blue wooden chair. A floating blue tablecloth was in front of him, though there was no table beneath it (it's magic, just role with it). A dark crystal ball sat on top of the levitating cloth. Blue carpets and blue curtains adorned every inch of the inside of Merlon's house. Merlon was trying to use the color as part of his business's branding, you see. Merlon stood on the other side of the cloth.

Merlon snapped his fingers and Luigi heard the door slam behind him.

"Now," Merlon said in a low whisper, "tell me everything that happened. Leave nothing out."

"Mario exploded." said Luigi.

"Yes, you told me that part."

"Sorry I just . . . I just-" and then Luigi broke down crying. Tears streamed down his face like sad salty waterfalls.

"Oh stop your blubbering."

"But- but Mario- Mario is dead!"

"If this is what I think it is then Mario should be fine."

Luigi's bawling simmered down to a gentle sob. "R-Really?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, just fine. Possibly trapped in a different universe, that's all." said Merlon.

"Oh."

"Now continue. Include everything you experienced today that was out of the ordinary."

"Well, me and Mario-"

"Mario and I."

"Mario and I had an adventure today where we saved Peach from Bowser. It was late when-"

"I said out of the ordinary, you do that all the time."

You will not be reading most of the conversation between Merlon and Luigi. One reason is because Merlon is a very bad listener and interrupted Luigi quite often, making the telling of Luigi's tale take quite a long time. Another reason is because you have already read about the actual events in the story yourself, except for the part about how after running out of his house Luigi bumped into what he would describe as 'a spooky mask guy with a creepy smile' who told Luigi he would 'meet with a terrible fate'. You then went on to not read about how the 'spooky mask guy' apologized for the aforementioned terrible fate and vanished. But now you have read about these things so there is no reason to show you Luigi talking about them.

"So the mask man just disappeared?" asked Merlon. "Just . . . poof? Gone?"

"There wasn't even a poof." answered Luigi. "He was there, and then he was gone. I thought he was a ghost so I high tailed it out of there and came to Toad Town to get help."

"No poof?"

"No poof."

"Troubling. Wait one moment, I need to find something."

Luigi looked briefly at the dark crystal ball as Merlon rummaged around. He had remembered it being clear, but now it was pitch black.

"Aha!" went Merlon. "Now I remember where I put it!"

Merlon waved his hand and a blue piece of paper appeared out of thin air. He began talking to it, blue letters forming on the parchment as he did.

"This letter is from Merlon. Mario has left this world. Gone to investigate. Be wary of transparency; moving to another world will follow."

When he was done the paper folded itself into a plane and hovered by the door.

"Come Luigi, there isn't a moment to lose!" said Merlon. He opened the door and the paper plane flew out the house and towards the castle.

Luigi followed Merlon outside.


This is a comedy, and despite being a dark comedy, a brutal murder scene simply would not fit the tone of the story. This is why I have replaced the following passage, which was originally a brutal murder scene, with a friendly murder scene instead.

Ilia felt something like a [CHOCOLATE] pierce into her [RAINBOW]. It went deep into her and stuck between her [SUNSHINE]. She was lurched backwards and [GINGERLY PLACED UPON] the ground hard.

She saw the black silhouette of Link standing twenty feet away, his eyes glowing red in the dark. He was holding something that was connected to the [BUNNIES] in her [BUBBLEGUM] by a chain. A slow, rhythmic clinking emanated from the hookshot as it consumed the chain, dragging Ilia closer. Every clink [AMIABLY NUDGED] her flailing body across the rough dirt and over sharp [MARSHMALLOWS]. She tried to struggle and get away, to just stand up and run [NEVER RUN WHILE HOLDING SCISSORS, READER]. But all she could do was cry and flail as she was [REMEMBERING TO BRUSH TWICE A DAY]. She dug her fingers into the dirt, but only left little trails of dark red [FINGERPAINT] behind her. She could feel the metal [BUTTERFLY] inside pushing against her back, struggling to [COLOR OUTSIDE THE LINES]. The [TOOTHACHES] was [HARD TO SEE]. She didn't know where she was or what was happening anymore, all she knew was the [TOOTHACHES] that surged through her body every time the [RAINBOW] inside [GAVE HER RIBS A HUG] a little bit more.

In her [NEIGHBORLY] stupor she [USED HER OUTDOORS VOICE] for Link. The real Link would save her.

The clinking noise stopped. Ilia's body lay on the ground. The only movements were her ragged breathing and the twitching in her legs and remaining arm as she tried to push herself up [BELIEVE YOU CAN ACHIEVE].

She saw him standing beside her and tried to [USE HER OUTSIDE VOICE] for Link again. In her [HAPPY] state she could only release a raspy [INSIDE VOICE].

He raised his [LOVELY FLOWER] above her head and swung.

The last thing Ilia saw was Link's bright red eyes, and then she was [JUST SLEEPING, KIDS].