"About time you got here."
Killian looked around the booth at his group of friends.
"I got here as soon as I could," he said with a sigh. "Long day and all that." He fell down in the booth beside his friend, Robin and across from both Ruby and Victor. "Hello, guys." With a frown, he grabbed at his necktie, pulling it loose.
"You look awful." Victor slid a bottle of beer across the table over to him. "We ordered this for you. For a minute we didn't think you'd make it."
"It's the beard, I know." Killian tipped the bottle in acknowledgement. "Thanks, mate."
"Hey, you don't look that bad," Robin told him with slight push of his shoulder. His grin was huge. "It's mountain man rugged."
"Don't lie to him. He looks worse than awful." Ruby gave him a once-over glance. "You look like crap."
"And don't listen to her," Victor told him, glancing down at Ruby. "How is it going?"
Killian took a sip of the ice cold beer, the first good thing about his long day.
"Everything's fine. Work is fine, for the BS that it is. And nothing is new." And his thoughts drifted off to her.
"How about group?" Robin asked softly.
The bottle lifted to his lips once again, almost afraid that Robin was able to track his mind.
"Group is fine," he muttered.
It wasn't a week later that she had shown up again, to Killian's surprise. It was that Wednesday. So either she believed that he was a once-a-week guy or she'd increased her days afterwards.
That was four weeks ago. Every Monday and Wednesday that had passed since then was spent listening to his group mates spill their hearts out about their tribulations.
It was a unique scenario in which to meet someone: to listen to the heartache and pain of losing a spouse. The switch to that was sharing one's own heartache and pain, being vulnerable to all elements.
Emma- fitting name for the matchless beauty- had lost her husband in a way that was incomparable to that of his loss. Still, it was a hell of a loss.
Why was he thinking of her?
Killian raised an eyebrow at Ruby's statement. "And I'm just getting off of work," he told her slowly. "What's your problem?"
"Why poke a sleeping bear?"
Ruby bumped up against Victor, a tsk leaving her lips. "You." She turned her attention back to Killian. "You are my problem." She stuck a pointed finger in his direction. "Just getting off of work? I can't believe you're still there."
"Ruby." It was a low muttered warning coming from Victor next to her.
"What?" She shot him a sidelong glance.
"Shut up," he told her with a shrug.
"Victor, you were right." Killian's hand raised towards Ruby. "I'm already having one of those days where nothing seems to be going right and everything is going wrong. I don't need you, Ruby, in your Ms. Fix It mode".
He raised his bottle to his lips, all the while eying Ruby. Her bright red lips were pursed and her pointed chin raised high.
"So sorry, but too late."
"What are you talking about?"
Ruby planted her hands firmly on the tabletop and leaned in closer in his direction.
"I can't believe you're still working at that place. An account rep, Killian!" She let out a deep dissatisfied breath. "If my BFF was still here you wouldn't be wasting your life away in some cubicle."
"Ruby!" Victor's hand pressed into her chest, pushing her back against the booth. "Killian, I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize to him for me!" Ruby cried out, pushing his hand away from her. "He knows it's true"
"Victor, get her under control."
"I'm not in the mood for this, Ruby," Killian warned her. The bottle raised to his lips again.
Her eyes cut back to his. "You sit there in that cube forty hours a week. That's not what Milah wanted for you. What happened to your dreams of opening your own business? What happened to being your own boss? The boat thing, huh?"
Killian laughed mirthlessly. "The boat thing. That dream died along with Milah."
"God dammit, Ruby! What is your problem?" The blowup came from beside Killian. Robin shook his head vehemently. "Why are you bringing this all up?"
Her gazed narrowed on Robin. "Because." She quickly turned to Killian. "Your life doesn't just stop because Milah got sick and died. She was my best friend. I knew her way longer than you did. Yet I understand that life goes on. Why don't you? You're too young to give up on life because Milah had cancer and died."
The sharp intake of breath was involuntary, as well as the strained pained look on his face.
No matter how often or how few the moments of Milah's illness came up, it was always a painful experience to live through again. No matter how much he spoke about Milah in group, the illness was still a painful word that only rarely passed through his lips.
"Okay, get up Ruby." Each word from Victor was slow and deliberate as he pushed against her forcefully out of the booth.
She didn't go easily.
"Milah was my best friend! Victor!" She squirmed all the way out of her seat.
He gave her one good push, sending her stumbling from the booth.
"Again, I apologize, Killian." He quickly stood up to stop Ruby from any further embarrassment.
"Don't. Apologize. For. Me." She sidestepped Victor to stand directly in front of Killian. "She was my best friend and she was your wife. Now who is honoring her memory the way she'd want it to be honored? Are you living your life the way she would have wanted you to or am I telling you exactly what you know she would have?" She leaned in closer, anger making her eyes a dark fierce color. "Tell me the truth, Killian."
"Damn, Ruby." Victor grabbed her by the arm, pulling her away from the spectacle she had made for all to hear and see.
"I'm not sorry I didn't tell you. If I had then you wouldn't have went after your dream, sweetheart. You would have given up that part of your life for me. And you never smiled as big as when you talked about the boating excursion."
"How about when I talked about my wife and our family? Milah, how could you have kept this from me? Why did you not tell me."
Her eyes went wide, tears clouding them. "There was… nothing that could be done. Killian I found out too late. I just wanted us to be happy as long as we could be. If I had told you then our last months would have been filled with only pain and grief."
"You don't know that. And we will never know that because you didn't trust in me- or in our love- to be strong enough together."
It broke his heart to have her leave him like this.
And his heart, one year later, was still not mended. He didn't know what it would take. But Ruby's outburst had not helped.
"I don't know what got into her, Killian," Robin said from beside him.
The pain was bubbling far too close to the edge and he could feel it close to spilling over.
"No big deal," he assured Robin. He grasped the bottle tightly in his hand and took a long hard drink. "They were best friends. I get it."
"That wasn't about Milah." Robin shook his head. "It was about you."
Killian tilted his head back to peer at Robin. "Do you think it's time that I moved on?"
"Hey, you'll know when you're ready."
Killian nodded. "Aye." He took another sip of the beer.
"But…"
The mischievous looked intrigued him. "What?"
"Well, I did meet this young lady who I thought you would hit it off well with. Gorgeous girl, Killian. She's tall with brown eyes and wavy brown hair down her back."
He raised an eyebrow. "And that's my type?"
Robin smiled knowingly. "Isn't it? Physically?"
And that gave him pause, because it conjured up thoughts of Emma, who was definitely opposite of Milah. Physically, she was a lot different. He imagined her tongue to be quite different as well from those girls of his past. He imagined a strong spirit versus that of someone timid, even when it was mostly the grief that was shown during group.
"But that's only if you're ready man," Robin said with a shrug.
Killian shook his head. "Not really interested."
"You said 'not interested' but you didn't say 'not ready,'" he pointed out. "Sounds promising."
"I wouldn't read too much into that."
"Baby steps, mate. "
Killian stared at the smiling man. "Aye. Just don't tell Ruby that."
"I wouldn't dare."
Killian took another sip of his beer, losing himself in his thoughts again.
Robin had described his type. It had not only been Milah, but any girl before her. So why did thoughts of the other woman enter his mind in comparison?
It didn't matter. He wasn't ready yet anyway. No matter what his friends thought, how could they not realize who Milah was and what that all meant? He wasn't ready.
Not just yet.
