Finally a new chapter :) Partly inspired by 3.17 ;) I would start it and then think I wanna see what CPD actually gives us and I was not disappointed so I hope you enjoy! *There is some language in this just as a heads up* *Side note still applies…. You might want a box of Kleenex handy before reading…. Also when Jay's talking and there's a series of periods (like this …..) it's him pausing before continuing. Ok you've been warned so on to the chapter ;) *

The next morning Erin awoke to an empty bed. How he had managed to get up without her knowing she had no idea but she started panicking. "Jay? Jay?" she called jumping out of bed. She ran and checked the bathroom, but it was empty. She checked the spare room, it too was empty. The kitchen had been cleaned spotless; the broken glass and spilled whiskey gone. She couldn't find him.

She called his cell but nothing. Just as she was fixing to call Mouse, the front door opened. He came in sweaty and panting for breath. She ran up to him and wrapped her arms around him and took a deep breath. Jay sank into her hug. "I'm ok Erin. I'm ok. Just went for a run," he whispered rubbing her back as she pulled back to check him over to make sure he really was ok.

"Damn it you scared me," Erin said wiping her eyes. She'd been so afraid he'd just gone, left, and she wouldn't be able to find him.

"Hey… hey… it's ok. I'm sorry Er... I just… you were sleeping so good and I needed a run. I'm here," he whispered picking her up. She didn't care that he was all sweaty and needed a shower; he was here and she just needed to feel him close.

He carried her to the bathroom knowing she didn't want to let him out of her sight. He set her on the counter as he stripped letting the water warm up. Once he was done, he pulled the academy shirt over her head. He gazed down at the nasty bruise on her stomach and he felt his stomach turn over as the color drained from his face. He closed his eyes tight as he felt her fingers skim over his chest.

"Shower… now," she whispered pushing him in and following him. He had his face turned into the spray with his back to her. He couldn't get over the fact that he'd hit her; it was eating him up inside and he couldn't face her. He felt her arms wrap around his stomach and he tensed.

"Jay… relax. It's just me. I'm here." She placed soft kisses up and down his back.

"Er…. Stop…. Just stop," he whispered pulling her hands from around him. He didn't deserve her love or comfort. He'd hurt her, done the one thing he swore he never would, and he couldn't face her.

Erin was a little shocked, but she didn't listen. She wrapped her arms back around him and held tight laying her head against his back. "Erin….." Jay said desperately trying not to break.

"I'm not leaving. I'm not going to stop loving you. I'm not going to stop giving you the comfort you need. I'm not and you're not going to make me. You never stopped with me and I will not stop either," she said squeezing him a little.

Jay broke. The tears came hard and fast and he sank to the floor of the shower as he sobbed. He made it impossible to hold him; he laid his head on his knees and his hands ran through his hair as he lost it. "I…. I…. hit you," he sobbed over and over. Erin couldn't stop her tears from silently falling down her cheeks.

"Jay… Jay baby… it's ok. It's ok. I'm ok. Please… please look at me. I'm here," she pleaded with him reaching for his hands. She finally managed to lace her fingers with his. "Jay… come on baby let's get out… let's go lay down," she pleaded. She knew he would eventually cry himself out and he would be asleep in the shower. She tugged at his hand.

"Please baby…" she whispered standing up. Jay finally followed, still crying as Erin turned the water off. She wrapped a towel around him and then herself. She barely got him to the bed. "Jay… it's ok I promise. You didn't know. It was an accident," she said laying on top of him although it made him tense.

"Jay come on babe… look at me… I'm right here. I'm ok," she whispered running her fingers through his wet curly hair.

"I did the one thing…. The one thing I swore I never would…. I don't deserve this Er…. Just… just go," he cried.

"I'm not leaving Jay. I'm not. You didn't mean it. You didn't know. You do deserve this. You deserve everything I can give you and more. You would never hurt me and I know it. It was an accident baby… an accident." She pleaded with him to understand as she ran her fingers through his hair.

He cried until he fell asleep again. Erin laid her head on his chest listening to the steady beat of his heart. She had no idea how to get through to him and make him see that it was ok. She sent Mouse a text. "You coming over for breakfast? I think he needs someone to talk to other than me."

She hated admitting that she couldn't help him, but she would do whatever was needed to get him through this. "Yea. I'll be there in 15. Anything in particular for breakfast?"

"Don't know if he'll eat but get those bagels he likes from the bakery down from the apartment."

"Will do. See you in 15."

True to his word Mouse was knocking on their door in 15 minutes. She eased out of Jays arms; he'd wrapped them around her in his sleep. She slipped on one of his Blackhawk shirts and a pair of sweats as she went to let Mouse in.

"Hey," he said holding up the bag of bagels. "Got you coffee too," he said.

Erin couldn't help but hug him catching Mouse off guard. "You're a life saver," she whispered pulling back and snatching the coffee out his hand. Mouse laughed. "Well I don't know about that, but you're welcome."

Erin smiled and settled on the couch drinking her coffee. "So where is he?"

"Asleep again," Erin sighed. Mouse set down on the couch with her.

"What happened last night?"

Erin was quiet for a minute. "After I got him back in bed from talking to you, he had one more dream. He was jerking and hitting in his sleep and he hit me… three times. I know he didn't mean it, that he didn't know what he was doing, but it's eating up inside. He locked himself in the bathroom as he got sick when he realized what had happened. I had to kick the door in," she laughed a little. "But I had to get to him. I managed to get him back to bed, and he told me about Ty."

Erin took a sip of her coffee before continuing. "Then he fell asleep. This morning I woke up and he was gone. Just as I was fixing to call you, he came home. He'd been out for a run. He lost it in the shower when he saw the bruise on my stomach. He says he doesn't deserve the love and comfort and I should leave."

She sighed. She wanted to be able to help him, but she didn't know what to do. "I got him to lay back down and he's asleep again."

Mouse was being quiet, lost in thought. "Erin do you know why hitting you, even though he was asleep and didn't know it, has messed him up?" Erin shook her head no. She was just starting to learn all these things about him, but this was not one of the things he'd shared. Mouse sighed already knowing that was going to be her answer.

"Erin… I'm only telling you this so you'll understand, but you can't say anything about it until he tells you himself." At Erin's nod, Mouse continued. "His father…. He was abusive." He heard Erin's quiet gasp. "Mainly to their mother but to Jay too. He swore he'd never be that person."

"But he's not Mouse… he would never…"

Mouse nodded. "We all know this, but right now… he's dealing with a lot. The fact that he did it, even asleep is messing with him. But we will get him through this… I promise." Erin nodded as she heard movement in the bedroom.

"I'm gonna go check on him and then let yall have some time," she said standing up. She walked into the bedroom and wrapped her arms around as he was pulling his sweats on. She kissed up and down his back. "Mouse is here…. He came to check on you and he brought the bagels you like."

She felt Jay spin her around to face him. He rubbed her cheek as he gazed into those hazel eyes that always grounded him. His eyes were still red from last night and this morning. "I'm so sorry Erin… so sorry," he whispered. She reached up and cradled his cheek as she softly rubbed her thumb back and forth across his stubble.

"Jay…. It is ok. I'm ok. You didn't mean it. I know you would never hurt me. It is ok babe." Jay leaned down and rested his forehead against hers as he sighed softly. She ran her fingers through his hair.

"I'm gonna go to the gym with Kim and let you spend some time with Mouse and then I'll be back, ok?" she whispered. She felt him wrap his arms around her tight holding her to him. "I'll be back I promise. I just want to give yall a little time." He relaxed his hold a little.

"Yea that's fine Er." She stood on tip toe and softly kissed him.

"I will be back I promise," she smiled. She felt him nod as he slowly let her go. She went to the closet and changed clothes as he went out to find Mouse. She took a deep breath as she changed. She hoped Mouse would be able to get through to him because it was really breaking her seeing him so broken and hurt. Now she knew what he went through when she crawled down her hole after Nadia. 'Never again,' she told herself. Never again would she put him through that.

/

Jay settled on the couch with Mouse being quiet. Mouse passed him the bag of bagels; "Thanks Mouse," Jay said taking out the chocolate chip one he loved. He knew Erin had probably told him to get them and he smiled a little. He had no idea what he'd done to deserve her.

Once Jay had eaten, Mouse glanced over at him. "Talk Jay," he said quietly. He wasn't giving him the option anymore. He'd tried twice and both times Jay shut him down, but this time he wasn't making it a choice.

Jay sighed running his fingers through his hair. "And don't try saying you're good again, because I know better."

Jay chuckled. "So what'd she tell you?"

"Doesn't matter. I want to hear it from you. I want you to talk because it's only going to get worse if you don't and you know it."

Jay sighed. He knew Mouse was right. "It was a rough night Mouse."

"What happened after you left?"

Jay shook his head. "I came home, took a shower and we went to bed. I forewarned her about the dreams…Just the usual ones. The mixture of all the flashbacks, then….. Then… Chris…" he sighed. He could still see the look on his Sarah's face when he told her…. told her that Chris wasn't coming back and that it was his fault.

"Jay…. Not your fault buddy. He would've done it anyways and you know it. It wasn't your fault."

Jay sighed not meeting Mouse's eyes. "The look on her face…. Her broken cries…. You weren't there Mouse… it was my job to bring him home and I didn't."

Mouse laid a hand on his shoulder. "Just because you were in charge, doesn't make you responsible for all of us when we make our own decsions. You've gotta let it go buddy. Sarah doesn't blame you… no one does." Jay looked at him with tear filled eyes. This wasn't their first time at this.

"You've talked to Sarah?" Jay said quietly.

Mouse nodded. "Yea at least once a month. I check on her and Christopher and she always wants to know how we're holding up…. She doesn't blame you Jay. She's wanted me to tell you, but I never knew when the best time would be. She knows that we did all we could. She doesn't blame you."

Jay started crying. He'd been so sure Sarah would blame him; it was his fault that Chris wasn't here with her after all. He got up and walked to the kitchen before he sank down in the floor and sobbed. He hated anyone seeing him like this, all broken and upset.

Mouse gave him a minute. It was always better to just let him get it out. He walked into the kitchen after a few minutes. "Come on buddy. Let's go finish talking," Mouse said pulling him up. He wrapped an arm around his waist and led him back to the couch. "What next, Jay?"

Jay laid his head on the back of the couch running his hands over his face. "I told her… not everything you know since it's… classified but I hit the highlights so she'd know. Then…. Then it was about Ty…. I… I hit her Mouse…. I hit her," he cried.

"You didn't do it intentionally buddy. You were asleep. How many times have you hit me in your sleep?" Mouse asked with a smirk. It at least made Jay sorta chuckle. "I know I'm not Erin... but it's not any different. You know you don't know what you're doing when you're dreaming. It just happened. She's ok and she doesn't blame you either."

Jay sighed. "I know…. But I swore…. I swore I'd never…"

Mouse nodded. "I know Jay. But it wasn't intentional. It's not like you set out to punch her. It happened. She knows you wouldn't do that to her. She knows it."

Jay nodded. "I know… I just… I dunno…. I shouldn't have…."

"You couldn't control it Jay. It just happened. But you've got to tell her. She doesn't understand and she deserves to know. You've told her everything else and she's still here."

"Yea… yea I know… What'd you tell her?" Jay asked glancing over at him with a small smile.

Mouse shook his head. "Just that'd I'd talk to you. It wasn't my place buddy. That's your story to tell her when you're ready."

Jay nodded as he heard her key in the door. He wiped his eyes and smiled at her as she came through the door. "Hey. I'm just gonna go shower," she said heading for the bathroom. She looked beat and exhausted. He knew she'd probably pushed herself hard at the gym to keep from worrying about him.

"Ok Er. Be there soon," he smiled trying to reassure her he was ok. Erin nodded and kept going.

"I'm gonna go. Yall need to rest. And Jay?"

"Yea?"

"Angie doesn't blame you either. No on blames you for anything so it's time to let it go."

Jay nodded. "Thanks Mouse… for always being here."

"It's what best friends are for." Mouse smiled as he turned to go. "Call me if you need anything."

Jay nodded. "Yea yea we will." He let Mouse out and went to find Erin. She was just getting out of the shower. He dried her off and then slipped his Ranger shirt over her head. He knew she loved it. She was a little surprised but happy. She wrapped her arms around him.

"Better?" she whispered.

Jay nodded as he softly kissed her. "We need to talk about one more thing and I should be. Then we rest." He smiled a little.

He picked her up and carried her to bed, keeping her in his lap. He wanted her close. He rested his forehead against hers. "I know… I know you're ok and I know it was an accident. I just… I swore I'd never be that person… our dad… he… he was awful to mom… and half the time me. Will was golden in his eyes, and as long as Will was around things were fine. Will seemed to be the only one to get through to him. I swore I'd never be him. That'd I'd never hit my girl or my kids. When… when I realized I had… I couldn't handle it Er."

Jay sighed as he felt her run her fingers through his hair. He cradled her face making her look at him. "I will never… ever…. ever hit you or our kids. Ever."

Erin rubbed his cheek with one hand as she kept the other in his hair. "I know Jay. I know that's not you. You're loving and kind and loyal and trustworthy. I know you would never hurt me or our kids."

Jay softly kissed her; "Never," he promised. He hadn't told her everything, but he told her enough she'd understand. He wasn't ready to delve into that part of his life that'd he'd buried for so long just yet, but one day…. One day he would tell her because he wants her to know everything about him. Jay laid down holding her on top of him. "Let's get some good sleep," he whispered rubbing her back. He felt her nod, knew she was tired from not sleeping good and working out.

It wasn't long before he heard her breathing even out. He kissed the top of her head as he felt her drifting. He heard his phone ding with a text. He carefully checked it, making sure not to wake her. It was Will wanting to know if he was ok and if he needed anything. He sent him a quick text back so he wouldn't worry. He knew they needed to talk soon so he asked if tomorrow was good.

"Of course. Lunch? I think Nat is taking Owen to see Maggie and April and have lunch with them so I'll be here by myself if you wanna come over."

"Yea sounds good. I'll text you in the morning." Jay was glad that Will had grown up and settled down. He was close by and he was the brother he remembered, the brother he missed after Afghanistan, the brother he needed. Jay laid his phone back on the night stand and closed his eyes drifting to sleep holding Erin tight.

So I know it wasn't as emotional, but I just had to get Jay over being so upset about the bruise. And I needed a little Moustead after 3.17. Mouse is dying to talk about it and Jay keeps shutting him down. I wanna know! Tell us everything Mouse ;) Anyways up next is the conversation between him and Will. I've been turning this chapter over in my head since Will's comment in 3.03 about not being there and then Will's comment to Nat about their mom. It will definitely be emotional so this chapter was just a slight break before another very emotional Jay and Will… :( hope you enjoyed :)