Clarke felt Octavia tense up beside her again. They were sitting shoulder-to-shoulder as they went over Clarke's map of the valley, and Clarke could feel Octavia's every movement. Octavia's restlessness was really getting on her nerves. Every time Octavia moved she knocked the map out of position, and Clarke had to waste time moving it back into the fading sunlight so they could see it. They had squeezed in to a small space between some bunker wreckage to block out the noise of the outside world. Octavia was unable to resist peering over the edge of the debris every few minutes, to check on the makeshift Wonkru camp.
Clarke snapped her fingers at Octavia. 'Focus! The border on the West is where the trees are thickest…'
'Doesn't it bother you?' Octavia blurted out, anger radiating from her pores.
'No. And it shouldn't bother you either. They seem happy. Bellamy deserves that.' The first time Octavia had been distracted from the map, Clarke had followed her gaze to see Bellamy and Echo kissing. The time after that Octavia had actually growled just because Bellamy had shared his rations with Echo. It was a safe guess that a similar scene was the source of Octavia's present irritation.
'She doesn't,' Octavia spat out. 'She was banished for good reason. She's a snake.'
Clarke put down her map with a regretful sigh. She had known this conversation was coming. Octavia was getting more worked up about the relationship as time passed by. It had been three days since they had witnessed Bellamy's passionate reunion with his girlfriend, the girlfriend he hadn't bothered to mention to either of them. Octavia's glares and mutterings were becoming more violent every hour. Clarke had used all the methods of distraction at her disposal to prevent Octavia from confronting Bellamy, but it was getting harder and harder. Clarke knew that she had to be the one to defuse this bomb. She couldn't explain why exactly, but she felt it in her bones. She thought that Octavia knew it too, which was why she put up with Clarke's anxious hovering. Despite her anger, Octavia didn't want to fight with her brother after six years apart. And Clarke really didn't want to be stuck in the middle. She took a deep breath, and reminded herself that a war between the Blake siblings would be bad news for everyone.
'A person can change a lot in six years,' Clarke said. 'The people who shared her algae in space like her. They have a better perspective than you do. Don't you trust Raven's judgement? Monty's?'
'All that algae probably went to their heads.'
'Madi likes her too.'
'Madi doesn't know her. The kid spent six years with one single human being. Everyone else must seem like aliens to her.'
Clarke was forcefully reminded that Octavia had spent her first sixteen years in contact with just two people. Had she considered Clarke an alien when they first met? That would explain a lot. 'Madi knows what I've told her.'
'What is that supposed to mean?'
'Echo wasn't all bad, even back then. She was devoted to her clan. Brave. A fierce warrior. I could see it, in the moments before Praimfaya. Her spirit. I knew that when I failed to show up they would take her with them. I knew that they would grow to like her. It was inevitable.'
'Stop acting like Saint Clarke. She took your place, practically stole your life. Just admit it. It drives you crazy! '
'No, it doesn't,' Clarke whispered. 'I've been on the edge of crazy so many times in the last six years, this doesn't even come close.' It was a blatant lie. Sometimes it did come close, sometimes it brought her right to the edge of the abyss, thinking about the maybes and what ifs. But today was a good day. Today she felt almost sane. And she could stay that way, if only she could get Octavia to focus on the maps. Clarke reached to pick up the map, but Octavia held it hostage with a fierce grip and a stubborn glare.
Clarke gave in. 'I'll admit, I feel a little sad sometimes. That I don't fit in with them anymore, that we can't connect the way we used to. But that has nothing to do with Echo. There isn't a finite amount of caring a person can do. If Echo had never gotten on that rocket, we would still be in the same position. It's just time and distance and the cruelty of the universe. It's growing up and growing apart.'
'I always wanted so badly to grow up, to outgrow the floorboards,' Octavia whispered.
And then Octavia was sobbing into Clarke's shoulder, shaking with the force of it, ruining Clarke's best shirt with tears and snot. Clarke just sat there and stroked her hair, murmuring soothing nonsense, the kind of things she would say to Madi when she woke from a nightmare. She knew that the words didn't matter. Octavia wouldn't hear any of it through the barrier of her overwhelming grief. For six years Octavia had had to be the strong one, the unshakeable leader. Clarke knew that burden intimately. She wasn't feeling so strong herself these days, but Octavia needed her to pretend. Clarke couldn't wave it all away with a magic wand. All she could do was witness her pain, show her that she wasn't alone. She had a premonition that she would need Octavia to return the favour in the near future.
Gradually Octavia's sobs turned into sniffles, and then to silence. She didn't make any move to clean herself up. They were both beyond showing such vanity with each other.
Clarke looked Octavia in the eye, ignoring her ragged appearance. There were some things that were best said and heard when dignity had broken down completely, when you were left with nothing but the truth. 'I wasn't always there for you, before Praimfaya. I've had a lot of time to think about that. To think about everything.'
Octavia sat up straighter. 'I resented you for that sometimes. I guess some part of me put you in the same category as Bellamy, someone who owed me their attention and indulgence, even in the middle of a crisis. And then I took it out on you. It was childish.'
Clarke shook her head. 'I did owe you that, after everything we've been through. You just always seemed so strong and independent. I told myself you didn't need or want my help. I should have given it to you anyway.'
'It goes both ways Clarke. How could I demand what I wasn't willing to give in return?' Octavia groaned and banged her head against the metal sheet behind her. 'Damn it. That's my problem with Bellamy right there, isn't it?'
Clarke gave her a sympathetic look. 'Yep.'
Octavia kicked up some dust with her boots. 'Fine, you win. I'll make nice with Echo.'
'Good.'
Octavia gave her a sly look. 'But answer this first. You have thought about my brother in that way, haven't you? Everyone else has.'
'Octavia Blake,' she said firmly, using her 'mum' voice. I'm not going into details of my love life or lack thereof with you. You already know that I spent six years in forced celibacy. That's sad enough without getting into the gory details of any delirious fantasies I may have suffered from when I was dehydrated or starving or going crazy.'
Octavia gave her a punch on the shoulder in response. Even though it was a friendly punch, Clarke still thought her shoulder would bruise. 'You're no fun.'
Clarke wasn't sure how to phrase her question tactfully. 'Was there anyone…'
'No,' Octavia said with a bitter laugh. 'Have you seen the way they all look at me? I would feel slimy, taking advantage of that. Doesn't exactly leave me with a lot of options, does it?'
'That will fade. Trust me. And maybe the Elegius crew have a few eligible bachelors.'
This time Clarke dodged the punch.
Octavia looked up at her with a slight pout. 'I'm not alone in this, am I Clarke? You feel the jealousy too, that jagged feeling that makes you feel like you're going slowly insane. Please just tell me the truth. You're the only person I can talk to about this.'
Clarke wondered where Octavia had learnt to be so manipulative. She knew all the right buttons to push. She guessed that listening to all of those one-sided radio calls had given Octavia an unfair advantage in their relationship. And Octavia was stubborn as a rock. She would keep pushing until Clarke surrendered. It was getting cold. All she wanted was to go sit by the fire, give Madi a hug. She hadn't seen her in hours. 'Yes, I feel jealous of them in a million different ways. Like you, a selfish part of me wanted Bellamy to myself. I wanted the friend I used to have, the partner I could turn to for anything.' And for the smallest moment, she had thought she was going to get that. Bellamy had shown up to rescue her, alone, and when their eyes met it had felt like the two of them against the world again. But then reality had gradually set in, and she had known their old friendship was broken, maybe beyond repair.
Octavia opened her mouth to speak, but Clarke punched her in the shoulder this time. It wasn't very satisfactory revenge. Clarke just couldn't punch as hard as Octavia.
'And no, I don't want Bellamy as a boyfriend.' It was true on most days. The more she saw Bellamy with Echo, the truer it became. They were so in sync, so at ease with each other, with their intimacy. She just couldn't picture herself in that kind of relationship with anyone. She wasn't even sure she really wanted it. Over the last six years she had been lonely, but she hadn't had her heart broken. Sometimes she thought that was a fair exchange.
Clarke picked up the map and stood up. She dropped it on Octavia's head. 'Memorise it. We'll talk about it tomorrow.'
She stalked off towards the fire, and saw Octavia get up and head towards her tent a few seconds later without a backwards glance. At least she was holding the map. Maybe Clarke had been a little abrupt in her goodbye, but she didn't want to give Octavia the chance to call her a liar.
'Hey,' Bellamy called out, interrupting her glaring in Octavia's direction. 'Is O alright?'
Clarke realised he must have seen the evidence of Octavia's tears. 'She'll be fine. She just had some things to let out.'
She thought that she detected some jealousy in Bellamy's gaze, jealousy that Octavia would open up to her and not him. She fought the urge to burst into hysterical laughter. The Blake siblings would be the death of her some day, she was sure of it.
'Clarke,' Bellamy said quietly, 'is my little sister still in there?' Clarke knew that he was still wrestling with the Bloodreina persona. He was feeling the distance between them as much as Octavia was.
'She's still in there,' Clarke said. 'Trust me.'
'I always have.' There was an intensity in his eyes that had no right to be there.
Clarke cleared her throat. 'She'll come talk to you later. Just give her time.'
She made to move away, deciding she was warm enough now.
Bellamy stopped her with a gentle touch on her arm. 'Would you stay, please? We have a lot of catching up to do as well.'
Clarke avoided his eyes, knowing that was the only way to stay strong enough. 'No, sorry, I have to find Madi. We can talk in the morning. Goodnight.' She dashed off before she could change her mind. Octavia could be the one to break that ice, to make her peace with Bellamy first. Then it would be less awkward when it was Clarke's turn. Octavia owed her that after asking so many annoying questions. Clarke would have her long overdue talk with Bellamy later, when Octavia's insinuations weren't echoing through her head. When Bellamy's features weren't framed by the firelight, when his voice wasn't so warm and inviting. She laughed aloud when she realised that her ideal scenario was talking to Bellamy in a dark room, through the static of her radio. Only this time he would be talking back.
