A/N: I really love all the reviews guys. They make me feel so loved! (: Anyway, this chapter is mucho angsty. More so than the last one. Still no smut, but I promise there will be soon. Enjoy the chapter, and review when you're done! Love you guys! (:
He's Not Gone
OoO
Finally, the question was asked.
"So why'd you start?" he asked me softly, turning his beautiful blonde head toward me.
I sighed. Sure, everyone knew my life was Hell, but nobody knew just how shitty it was. Even with that damn moron dead, things aren't any easier. I wasn't sure how to say this. I mean, I'd never told anyone else. How would I even start?
I took a deep breath and decided that starting at the beginning would be best. "Well, I guess it started when I was born. But the urges didn't start until fourth year. Technically, the end of fourth year. In all honesty, it had very little to do with Cedric's death. I mean, sure, that contributed, but not much. I went home that summer to the Hell that I had been forced to live in my entire life and, to say the least, I wasn't welcomed. My uncle wasn't at the train station to pick me up, so I just walked home. Sure it was far, but I needed time alone before I faced those bastards anyway. So when I finally got there a couple hours later, the house was empty. Well, I thought it was empty. I heard moaning from upstairs and figured it was just Vernon and Petunia going at it. I shuddered and went into my bedroom. Well, the moaning didn't stop, so I cast a silencing charm around my room. The Ministry was in disarray after I had told everyone about Voldemort, so they didn't even notice. Anyway, a few minutes later, some idiot girl walks into my room claiming she thought it was the bathroom. I told her it wasn't and that the bathroom was down the hall. But she wouldn't leave. She kept getting closer and closer. I told her to leave. She smirked at me and just kept coming. I grabbed my wand and sent her flying into the wall in the hallway. She looked thoroughly pissed off, but I didn't care. I slammed and locked my door. Next thing I know she's in my room with my damn cousin whimpering from under her grasp. She has her own wand pointed at him, and I suddenly recognize her. Matilda Jorkins. Or more commonly known by her maiden surname, Scarlet. She told me that either I came with her or she'd kill Dudley. I told her to go fuck herself. She said she wasn't kidding and that if I didn't move within three seconds, my cousin would be lying in a heap at the foot of my bed. So I killed the bitch. I grabbed my wand and with a quick flick, she was sprawled, lifeless on the floor. Dudley looked as if he were going to faint just from the sight of it all. So I cast a quick memory charm and sent him to his room. I through her body out the window, letting it land in the neighbor's lawn. Well, my uncle came home and saw the body. He immediately assumed it was my fault, and with Dudley not remembering anything, I was screwed. He took a hot poker iron and heated it in the fire. He pinned me down and started 'branding' me. He said that maybe if I knew who I belonged to that I would stop acting like such a damn hero. Well, after he was done, I could barely move, so he had Dudley carry me to my room. On my nightstand was a safety pin. I took the pin out and started scratching my arms as deep as I could get it to go. I just needed something to stop all the pain. And I found it. A few weeks later I went into town and bought me a pack of razors. I keep one on me, always, just in case."
I turned away from him, not out of embarrassment, but to avoid him seeing the tears that were now flowing freely down my cheeks. I'm not sure why I cared about Malfoy's opinion of me, but I just did. I don't know. Something about just putting yourself out there was more difficult than I would've liked. I mean, all I wanted was someone who would understand and not judge. I never thought that someone would be Draco Malfoy. He's the same Draco Malfoy that's made my life hell for the past six odd years. How is it that that same Draco Malfoy is the one I'm confiding my darkest secret in now?
"Can-Can I see them?" he asked me. I turned back to face him. He was crying, too, so I didn't feel as stupid. I lifted my shirt off to expose my chest to him. Of course it looked normal, so I removed the concealer charms and looked down at myself. One by one, tiny, scratchlike scars appeared. Some were deep, others were long. I couldn't help but feel disgusted by it. They were so…
"Beautiful," he murmured. I figured it was more to himself than to me, but I couldn't help but to be taken aback by the comment. Beautiful? How? How were hundreds of disfiguring injuries beautiful? They were horrid!
"Beautiful?" I asked. "How?"
He gazed into my eyes and started tracing the marks with his long, slender fingers. "Because you survived. You survived the torture and you're still sane. I don't look at these marks as signs of abuse. I look at them as signs of strength and fortitude." He paused briefly and looked down at my chest where his hands were still tracing the cuts and burns. Every touch of his gentle fingers felt like soft caresses and my breath was becoming increasingly shallower. He felt so gentle, so perfect. "You're like a Lion." That sentence was spoken in a barely audible whisper.
A Lion. Hm. I never thought of it like that. In fact, I've never thought of it as anything other than tainted memories. I still couldn't figure out why I was trusting all of this to Malfoy. He's probably just putting on an act here. In a few minutes, he's going to get up and go tell all of his Slytherin cronies just how pathetic I was being.
I waited.
To my great surprise, nothing happened. He had stopped tracing by now, and was instead looking deep within my eyes, as if trying to reach my soul. I threw up my own personal boundaries. I didn't want anyone seeing what was lurking down there. Ever. Even I had a hard time believing it. I usually just shut it out, alienated myself from it until it died down.
"Listen, Malfoy," I started.
"It's Draco," he told me quietly.
"What?" I asked him, confused as to what was happening. Was he asking me to call him by his first name? But, we never did that. Ever.
"My name isn't Malfoy. It's Draco," he said to me, his gaze sincere.
I took a deep breath and continued. "Alright. Draco, what-what does this make us now?" I asked. I honestly wanted to know. I mean, if I didn't know, he had to. "Are we friends, or enemies, or something else? And if we're something else, then what is that something?"
He smiled at me and my heart skipped a beat. That smile was just so beautiful. It made him look so peaceful. "We're whatever you want us to be, Harry." Bastard. Of course he put it back on me. I mean, what are Slytherins good - wait. Did he just call me Harry? What the hell?
"I-um, I d-don't, I mean, I-," he cut me off by putting one warm finger to my lips. He leaned in slowly and kissed me. I let him and even kissed back. Holy fucking Hell. I just kissed Malfoy. And that's not even the worst of it. I – I liked it. Surprisingly though, I didn't feel as disgusted as I thought I would. I actually felt an emotion I hadn't felt in ages. I felt happy.
"So what are we?" he asked, gazing into my eyes again. My breath caught in my throat for a brief minute. I wasn't sure what we were. As far as I was concerned, I still couldn't trust him. Or anyone else for that matter. But I wanted whatever relationship we had developed to continue.
"I think we're together," I smiled at him, biting my lip nervously. Oh Lord, please. You've put me through enough shit in my life. Give me this one good thing. Even if it's the last good thing I ever get, I'll be grateful.
He gave me a small smile before standing. He reached down to offer me his hand. I took it, but I didn't let go once I was standing. Fortunately, he didn't seem to care. My heart was still hammering against my ribcage, threatening to burst and send me into cardiac arrest. Was this going to end as badly as my last few relationships had? With the exception of Seamus, all the others had been muggles. In fact, Seamus had been the first wizard I'd fallen in love with. Sure, there'd been Ginny but she doesn't really count. I didn't really love her. Well, I did, but I wasn't in love with her, you know?
Draco and I walked to the Castle together, abandoning our brooms on the Pitch. I sighed inwardly. I can't believe I'm doing this again. And so soon after breaking up with Seamus. Oh God. What's everyone going to say? How are Ron and Hermione going to react? I mean, they don't even know I'm gay! What are they going to say when they see me walk in holding hands with Malf - Draco? They're going to flip. Oh God.
I inhaled deeply as we entered through the giant oak doors. Several heads turned. And even more had their mouths agape as the two of us strolled through the halls toward Gryffindor Tower. We managed to make it up there without being stopped and questioned. As soon as we reached the Portrait Hole, though, the Fat Lady was intent on knowing exactly what we were up to.
"What are you doing with that dirty little Slytherin?" she demanded, her voice shrill. I almost rolled my eyes at her, but then I remembered just how sensitive she could get at times. I decided it would be best to just be kind and sweet to her, even though I really wasn't in the mood to deal with her melodrama.
"We are just going in to speak with Hermione and Ron. And the password is Banana Lollies. Now, may we enter?" I said it in as calmly sweet a voice as I could. She glared at me briefly before swinging open with a huff. I rolled my eyes this time. She could be such a stubborn bitch sometimes!
We entered and several heads looked up. To my horror, Seamus was among them. He gave me a pained smile and I couldn't help but feel guilty. I squeezed Draco's hand a little for stability because I didn't think I'd be able to explain this alone. He answered me with a gentle smile. At least I knew he was on my side.
Dean walked up to us, glaring at Draco. "What the hell is he doing here?" he demanded, pointing at Draco furiously. I almost slapped him. Where did he get off being all pissed off at me for having a damn boyfriend? It wasn't any of his fucking business to begin with!
"He's with me," I told him forcefully. I was not going to explain myself to this git.
"Well I can see that!" He exclaimed. The entire Common Room was focusing on us now. Seamus had walked up and stood beside Dean. Oh Lord. I don't know if I can deal with Seamus. Just looking at the pained expression on his beautiful face stung. It stung like Hell. I loved Seamus. And I always would. But with Draco, it was different than it was with Seamus. With Seamus it was fun and spontaneous, but there wasn't very much in common. Sure, we liked the same Quidditch team, and we thought the same celebrities were sexy, but nothing deep. Nothing meaningful. With Draco, it was scary and nerve-wracking, but we shared something that I would never share with Seamus. Or anyone else for that matter.
"Listen, I need to talk to Ron and Hermione. That's all. So if your interrogation is complete, I'm going up to the dorm." I started walking toward the stairs when I felt Draco being pulled suddenly to the side. I whipped my head around to see Dean holding Draco's arm. I saw Draco tense and I knew he was forcing himself not to hex Dean into oblivion.
"He is not going into my dorm," Dean told me forcefully. My hand instinctively clasped my wand, and I had to dig my nails into my palm to prevent myself from sending Dean flying. He was still my friend after all. And after you curse someone, they tend to want nothing to do with you anymore.
"You seem to forget that it's a dorm shared by five of us. He won't go anywhere near your damn bed, now let go," I said to him heatedly, barely able to keep myself from snarling. Why was I so damn angry? I felt something deep down in my soul begin to spread through my entire body. The anger it was emanating was tremendous, and I was barely able to keep myself from screaming. The only reason the Common Room was still in one piece was because I was biting the inside of my lip. Even though I could taste the blood, I didn't let up.
"I am not letting go. He is NOT going in there. He shouldn't even be in here to begin with! This isn't his Common Room, Harry. It's ours! Why would you even let a Slytherin in here to begin with?!" He sounded like he could have been pissed off. I couldn't really hear him, though. The anger was boiling over and causing my ears to ring something dreadful. Everything anyone said sounded as if it were traveling through water to get to me.
"First of all, HE has a damn name. Second of all, I am allowed in here because I'm with Harry. Either deal with that or go cry to your damn mum. I don't care which you choose, but you are letting go of my arm or I'm going to blow you to fucking Herbology." It was Draco. He sounded so distant. My vision was clouding and my head was throbbing. I could barely stay standing.
I saw Dean's lips move, but I was beyond being able to hear. My vision swam black, and my head felt as if it were splitting open. I let out what I hoped was an obnoxiously loud scream. I needed help. I don't know if anyone heard me, though, as I proceeded to pass out, visions of Dean being butchered being the last things I saw.
OoOoO
When I woke up, I was staring at white curtains. It smelled oddly of licorice and I tried to sit up. However, as soon as I did, my vision swam and my head throbbed. So I just remained sitting. How'd I get here? Where was here anyway? Was I in the hospital? The last thing I remembered was standing in the Gryffindor Common Room with Draco as Dean was lecturing me on something or other. Or something to that effect anyway.
"Madame Pomphrey, he's awake!" I heard someone exclaim from beside me. I turned my head and saw Ron and Hermione sitting there, grinning. Hermione's eyes were red and puffy, and she looked as if she'd been crying for a while. Ron looked like he'd been comforting her. The stain on the front of his shirt confirmed my suspicions. I looked around, but I didn't see Draco. My heart sank immediately.
"He'll be right back," Hermione said to me, her voice thick with sadness. "He just went to use the bathroom. He's been by your side every minute of every day since you collapsed, you know."
Every minute of every day? How long had I been out? "What do you mean?" I asked her, trying to sit up again. This time I succeeded, and my head only throbbed briefly. At least Draco would be back soon. Then I'd get to hold him again.
"Harry," It was Ron. Madame Pomphrey had run over and was inspecting me while Ron talked. "You've been in here for weeks. When you collapsed, your head fell through the glass table. 'Mione and I came running when we heard the crash. There was blood everywhere. Malfoy was holding you and crying. He ran to the Hospital Wing, carrying you the whole way. We followed him here. After he gave you to Madame Pomphrey and told her what happened, he told us the whole story. About how you two had talked over your differences while sitting in front of the Lake and how you had gone back to the Common Room with him to talk to us, and how Dean wouldn't let you up."
I let out an inward sigh of relief. At least Draco didn't tell them what we had talked about in the Pitch. At that moment, I heard the doors open. In a few seconds, I saw his beautiful blonde head turn the corner to my bed area. He stopped dead in his tracks, as if he couldn't believe that I was alive. Then he ran over and gave me a hug. It was only when he pulled away that I realized he was crying. I suspect he'd done a lot of that over the past few weeks.
Weeks. I have been out for weeks. It almost didn't seem possible. Everything seemed normal. Nothing seemed different, really. Except that I was lying in a hospital bed with my head wrapped up in a giant bandage. Now that I think of it, that bandage itched something fierce. I went to scratch my head, but Madame Pomphrey was already in the process of removing it.
"What happened to make you collapse, though, Harry?" It was Hermione. Her voice was full of concern. All three of them were looking at me intently. How could I explain it, though? I mean, I didn't even really know. All I knew was that anger had completely taken over. But I'd felt that way before. When I was battling Voldemort and he'd entered my mind. I gasped when I realized what had happened.
"He's not gone," I muttered. "He's not gone."
