Chapter 3

The cold air rushes through my lungs as I make my way through unfamiliar streets. It's nice to be out. The muscles in my legs are burning but I barely feel it. I missed running. I missed this burning sensation in my legs, the feeling of running away from my thoughts and clearing my mind. A small part of me worries about Maura who stayed at the hotel but she knows I need this. I need to get outside and clear everything.

We have been on the road for a week now. We spent a few days in our first hotel and then we continued to the next town and the next. We spent two nights in the car but mostly stayed in motels, hotels and whatever we can find. Maura complains about the motels, but I would like to have some money left when we come back so we stay there anyway. Our current hotel is small and cozy, and particularly romantic and I know Maura is in bed reading a book so I think she'll be okay tonight.

When I feel my back hurting, I stop and try to catch my breath while I lean against a wall and look up at the stars. The sky is clear and the moon is bright, illuminating the houses around me. It's a magical night. I look at my watch and decide I've ran enough so I head back to the hotel, back to my girlfriend. A smile curls my lips when I think about her. I speed up, wanting to get to her quickly.

I take the stairs instead of the elevator as I get back to the hotel. My legs burn and I'm out of breath but I keep up the pace. I like getting to my boundaries and pushing my body to its limit. I only slow down when I arrive in the hallway of our room and I find the key card in the small pocket of my leggings. My hand freezes when I want to open the door.

"Maura?" I hear whimpers. Heavy sobs. Footsteps. "Maura!" I open the door and slam it shut behind me before running into the room where Maura is walking in circles. "Maur…"

She looks at me, her eyes red from crying, her cheeks wet with tears. Her shoulders drop and she lets out a relieved sob. "Jane!"

"Babe, what's going on?" I throw my card on the bed and hurry to take her in my arms.

"Oh, Jane…" Her shaking arms wrap around my waist and she clings to me as if I'm her last lifeline. She sobs against my chest, and her breathing is going quicker and quicker.

"Hey, breathe, baby… I'm here. We're safe."

She doesn't hear me. She pulls one arm away from around my waist and presses it to her chest to try and relieve pressure. "C'mere," I whisper, gently taking her towards the bed and sitting her down. "Lie down, baby." I carefully pull her back so she's lying on her back and I lie next to her on my side, looking at her and placing my hand on her stomach. "Breathe, Maura. Just breathe."

She's struggling. I know she can hear me but it's like her mind and body aren't cooperating. I know she's telling herself to stop acting stupid and just breathe like I tell her to but I also know it's not that simple. She turns her head and looks at me and I manage a hopefully reassuring smile. I look deeply into her eyes. "I'm here, we're safe. We're not in danger."

She nods, it's barely visible but she nods. She's hearing me. Her breath hitches in her throat again and her hand goes back up to her chest. I move my hand away from her stomach and cover hers over her heart while I press my lips against her temple where tears are running down onto the blankets. "Just breathe, baby," I whisper quietly, so quietly I'm not sure if she hears me but I know she understood when I feel her nodding again. "Shh," I soothe while pulling her against me. "Shhh, sweetie. Breathe. Let it out, that's it."

I whisper to her for a long time. She keeps her hand at her heart, desperately clutching mine. Her tears keep falling and I keep wiping them. I wipe her tears, unclench her fists and even wipe her nose. I try everything, everything in my power to help her and pull her out of this dark place. After what feels like hours, her breathing finally slows down and she opens her eyes and looks at me.

"S-sorry…"

I shake my head. "Don't be." I grab another tissue from the nightstand and gently dap her eyes and wipe her nose again, but it only seems to increase the flow of tears. "I'm sorry," I pull away, sensing that I crossed a boundary. "I didn't mean to-…"

"No." She shakes her head. "It's okay." Her voice is hoarse and I can hear the lump in her throat when she speaks. "T-thank you."

I don't reply and just kiss her temple again while I wrap her up in my arms for a loving hug. "Let me get you some water," I offer quietly. "Okay?"

She nods.

I carefully let her go, knowing that the loss of contact can sometimes send her back into the panic attack. "Okay?"

"Yeah." She smiles tiredly. Her tears are still flowing but her breathing is back to normal.

I grab a glass and fill it with water before hurrying back towards her, gently pulling her up to sit up against the headboard of the bed. "Here."

She sips the water and we stay silent for a long time, me gently running my left hand over her leg and brushing my right through her hair. She offers the empty glass to me and I put it away. I look at her and smile, brushing my fingers over her wet cheek. "I love you, Maura," I whisper to her. "I love you so much."

Her bottom lip quivers and a fresh flood of tears fills her eyes. She shakes her head and wipes them quickly. "I'm sorry, I-…" she sighs deeply and looks into my eyes. "You just wiped the mucus off my f-face and the first thing you say is 'I love you'."

"Well, it's the truth. I love you, mucus and all." I smirk and I'm happy to see a slight smile curling her perfect lips.

"I love you too," she whispers. "You're incredible and I love you."

I just nod and pull her back into my arms. I put my arm under her shirt and gently caress the skin on her back while I use my other hand to stroke her hair and keep her close. I feel her snuggling against me, her head in the crook of my neck, her arms wrapped tightly around my body. We stay like this for a long time and I keep pressing kisses to the side of her head and pulling her closer and closer even though we're as close to each other as we can get.

"You wanna tell me what happened?" I whisper after a long time. "Baby?"

She sighs and shifts, turning her head to rest it on my chest. "I feel silly."

"Well don't… I won't judge, Maura."

"I know." She smiles sadly and takes another deep breath. "I-… I panicked because you were gone. And I know this will make you feel guilty and I hate myself for making you feel that way, but it's the truth."

She's right. I do feel guilty; I shouldn't have left her. But I'm happy she's honest with me.

"I went down to the car because I left my book in there, and to get to the garage I had to go through this small alley and I just-… I panicked. I got my book and ran back to the room to you but you weren't there… I panicked. That's all."

"I'm sorry, Maura-…"

"No." She shakes her head. "It's not your fault. That alley just gave me a horrible flashback and I panicked. I have to learn to deal with this by myself."

I sigh and rest my cheek against her forehead on my chest. "But why, Maur? Why do you have to deal with it by yourself when I'm here to help you through it?"

"You won't be around all the time, Jane."

"But I am now." I pull back so I can look into her shimmering eyes, those beautiful eyes that look at me with love and trust. "I'm here now, so why force yourself to deal with these things by yourself when I'm here to help you?"

"Because we have to go back someday. Someday we have to go back to work and you won't be by my side at all times like you are now!"

"That's true. But by then, more time has passed and you've had time to process and become stronger. It's only been a few weeks, Maura." I cup her cheek and brush a strand of hair out of her face. "It's okay to need someone."

Tears fill her eyes and she slowly nods her head.

"It'll get better."

"I know." She smiles sadly and lifts herself up to press a kiss on my lips. "Thank you."

I smile while we kiss again, tasting salty tears and sweat. "You're welcome," I mumble against her lips. I feel her pulling herself back against me when we break the kiss, the embrace almost desperate as she clings to me. "I have to take a shower," I whisper when I notice my T-shirt clinging to my sweaty back and my skin getting cold from being damp.

"Hmm, no…" she hums and shakes her head. "Stay."

"I stink, Maura."

"You smell fine to me."

"Your nose is all stuffed up from crying."

She chuckles but snuggles tighter against me. "I don't care."

"How about you come with me?" I whisper, moving my head so I can look at her.

She smiles tiredly when she looks back at me. "I don't know if I'm up for that, Jane… I'm sorry-…"

"No we don't have to do anything, I just meant showering. Really just showering."

"Oh." She smiles and reluctantly pulls herself away from me. "That sounds lovely." She gets up from the bed and takes me with her towards the bathroom where I gently undress her, placing loving kisses on her skin while she does the same to me. The water of the shower is hot and her shower gel smells like flowers while I carefully wash her body before applying shampoo in her wet hair and gently massaging her scalp. She lets out a content hum, her eyes closed and a smile curling her lips.

When we finish, we get out and put ourselves in fluffy white robes before I wrap my arms around her waist from behind, pressing my lips against her bare shoulder. She's totally relaxed right now; I can feel it. Her shoulders are low, her breathing is steady and slow and her eyes are closed. She's okay.

"I love you, Jane," she whispers quietly, her voice soft and gentle. "Thank you for taking care of me."

"I love you too," I turn her around so I can look at her and kiss her lips before wrapping her up in a tight hug. "I love taking care of you."

She nods and her eyes are filled with happiness and love. "Will you let me take care of you as well?"

I avert my gaze and I take a moment before I nod my head. "Yeah." I feel her lips pressing against my forehead and her warm hand grabbing mine and leading us towards the bed. We take off the robes and slide under the blankets, curling up in each other's arms. Her fingers tickle up and down my back and her lips are pressing kisses on my jaw and chest while my arms are tightly wrapped around her upper body, our legs intertwined under the warm blankets.

We whisper a quiet goodnight and many 'I love you's' before I feel her drifting off to sleep. When I am absolutely sure she is sleeping peacefully I allow myself to close my eyes and immediately fall into a restless sleep, part of my sleeping self always aware of Maura and her wellbeing. But tonight she's okay. She sleeps through the night without nightmares or flashbacks. And as long as Maura is okay, I'm okay.