Letters

I massage my temples thinking whether or not I should continue. Reading these letters is torture and I've only read four to five… But I guess I deserve this mental torture. Oh no maybe I'm the reason he's so...so withdrawn and quite… Ugh enough I… I just want to get this over with.

Dear Papa

Did you have a great Christmas? I didn't. Papa I hate it here. I don't want to be here anymore.

Gosh writing is a smudge. There are too much tear stains.

You see the day before Christmas Arthur, Alfred and I were going to bake a cake together I was so happy because Arthur was smiling. But we did not have enough flour so Arthur told me to go buy some. He said he'd do it himself but he doesn't want to leave me and Alfred at home, he also said he didn't want to take both of us out because we might get lost because the town was really busy today and there's lot of people. While I was walking to the store where Arthur said I could get flour it started to snow. I was so pretty but by the time I got out the store (The nice lady gave me some bread but kumakiji ate it all! She was also very pretty) it was snowing real hard. I almost got lost. When I got back home it was dark and it was getting really cold. Even though Arthur gave me a scarf and a coat it was still cold. When I got home I tried knocking but nobody would answer. It was like nobody was there and the wind started to get stronger and there was lots of snow and it was getting scarier outside and I was really scared and I kept and knocking-

By now I'm at the part where the writing was barely readable and smudge with what I believe was dry snot… God I feel like such a… GAH! There's no word in my vocabulary to describe what I'm feeling right now memories of that Christmas were coming back to me and I just can't find the right word to describe what I did.

But no one would answer. It was really cold but somehow I fell asleep. I guess Kumichiki's warmth kept lulled me to sleep. I woke up when something hit my head. I opened my eyes to see Arthur holding a stick. He yelled at me saying what the hell I was and what was I doing in front of his house. I tried telling him who I was but he said he didn't know anybody called Matthew. Then Alfred seemed to remember who I was and reminded Arthur. He said 'dad that's the weird boy the Frenchman gave to you cause he didn't want him anymore' is that true papa? You care about me anymore? Why tell want I did I'll fix it! Please take me back! I even got a cold and fever on Christmas. Arthur said they went over a friend's house for Christmas Eve since they couldn't bake a cake. He told me he was really sorry for forgetting about me and hitting me on the head with a stick. It hurts. Not only my head, but my chest hurts and my tummy don't feel well. I felt like throwing up when Arthur said he forgot about me. I don't know why papa. Even when I was sick he always forgets me then he'd come by at night and say he was sorry again. I was sick for a lot of days and it was always like that. He would come by in the morning to take care of me but he doesn't come back until late night saying sorry again. I'd take care of myself but I couldn't really stand up without falling and it would be Kaminski to help me up.

Then one night I told him to stop apologizing I guess it didn't came out right because then he didn't let me finish what I was saying and started to yell at me. I don't understand why he was so mad. Then he started to rant on how Alfred and I were both spoiled and ungrateful. Papa I don't understand anything anymore. Maybe he was mistaking me for Alfred. Again. Then he locked me in my room again. The next day he came back like nothing happened and asked me why I looked like such a mess. I did know what happened next because I fell asleep again. When I woke up he told me he was sorry again. After that he didn't forget about me much anymore. But when he did papa it hurts. But I guess I'll just have to work harder so that he won't forget about me just like Alfred. I need to more like Alfred. I'll have to get better and fit in my new home because I know you will never take back. I so sorry for what I did whatever it was. But I'll continue to write to you even if you don't reply. Because I still miss you papa and writing to you always makes me feel better. Oh and before I forget Happy New Year!

Yours truly,

Matthew

I let the tears fall of my face. I didn't bother to wipe them. They will just dry on their own. Just like how Matthew would have been fine on his own even if I wasn't there. He wouldn't have to go through such level of neglect or have his hopes broken if I didn't take him from Francis.

I sat there looking at the computer screen. I took a sip of my tea and found out it was cold by now.

Then my door opened, a figure standing there staring me down. I give the figure an equally blank stare. I guess I won't be able to read the rest of these letters.