Disclaimer: I thank Stephenie Meyer for sharing her characters but I do not own them.

Mrs. Idiot Cullen

Everything was going absolutely fucking fantastic! Except for this foul mood that I was in. I was trying really hard to keep my fake smile plastered to my face so that everyone could see just how happy I really was. Of course Edward was the only one to ask me what was wrong, and I know you're probably thinking that my bad mood was his fault, but really it's not. I got over that incident with Alice and the shoes when he attacked me at the buffet line and forced me to dance with him.

It was our very first dance ever and lucky for us I didn't hurt myself or anyone else for that matter. Edward was simply gliding me along the floor, keeping a safe distance from the other dancers. Sure it was for there protection more than it was my own, but I did appreciate the gesture.

"Nothing is wrong, I just hate being at these things."

"Are you sure that's all?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Now go get yourself some cake. You've been eyeing it all damn day."

"But, I don't want to leave you…"

Edward chuckled a little bit with his last comment before I rolled my eyes and waved my hands in the air to shoo him away. I really didn't want to hear any fake cheesy romantics. Ok, well not really fake, Edward really was an old soul who loved the romantic crap. I humored him most times, but secretly and don't you dare tell a soul…I really liked it.

He always had a way to stay true to his first words that he said to me many days long ago, and as true to his words as he is to me, I could feel myself breaking down everything. He pushed just a little bit and I gave a lot. It's not that I was changing; I don't think Edward and I could work if I changed. Nope, I was just letting down that wall that kept people out, letting him in closer than any one single person has ever been to me and actually liking every break in that wall.

Now I was sitting at a long white table staring at the crowd that was forming around the cake with Rose and Emmett. Of course, Alice was directing the photographers on what angles she would like to see the photo's taken from and Jasper was just waiting to get his hands on some cake much like Emmett, but Rose…no she was admiring her cake with a far away look in her eyes.

I shook my head slightly, it was just cake…but she was looking at like it was her first born child. Women get way to sentimental about this crap. I rolled my eyes and drew my focus away from the cake; I wouldn't have one of those. I was not going to have a reception, I was not going to have Charlie walk me down the aisle, and I was not going to have to wear that big puffy white marshmallow looking dress.

Thank God, is all I got to say about that. It wasn't for me, it didn't fit me, and it sure as hell was not going to be forced on me. I looked down at my hands remembering the day that Edward and I had declared ourselves and got these tattoos. People always asked about them, more often than they would ask about Rose or Alice's engagement rings…the tattoo had proven itself to mean more than a stupid piece of metal and a few words.

"Hey Bella, whatcha doing?"

I glanced up to see that Jasper was sitting next to me with a big piece of cake shoveling food into his face. I laughed as I imagined Alice chasing him around with a Tide pen trying to erase the evidence of frosting that he may or may not get on his shirt.

"Oh, nothing…just sitting here trying to avoid the cake crowd."

"You want a bite? It's actually pretty good."

"Nope, I'm not really a cake eating kind of girl."

"Fine, suit yourself…more for me."

I could always count on Jasper to lighten my mood a little bit, he never asked me what's wrong unless it seemed serious and he never once would force me to explain myself for my decisions. He just went with it; I wish some other people cough Alice cough would get a board that flight. She was his exact fucking opposite, always pushing and pulling for information. It was better to just walk into the door and either A. spill your guts about your entire day in detail, or B. write up a fucking essay before you even got home detailing your day and your thoughts on your day.

I did not used to think of myself as a person who talked a lot, but with Alice asking you a million and one questions it's hard not to talk a lot. Actually, no, fuck that…it's impossible not to talk a lot. I even tried playing the silence game with her…I bet money and everything…she won.

She was sitting at the dining room table staring at me as I was trying to read a book, she kept tapping her tiny little fucking foot, over and over and over again. It was driving me up a damn wall. I tried the whole 'give her a pointed glance' or the 'throw something heavy at her' but neither one worked. So after I picked my book up off the floor, hence the heavy object I threw at her, and I sat back down and tried everything I possibly could to ignore her…but no that fucking tapping had to have the last laugh. I broke; I lost because I could not just walk into a room with carpet. Or better yet, I could not go into my room and lock the door.

Nope, instead my dumb ass goes and tells her to shut the fuck up. I not only lost peace and quiet for the rest of the day, but I also lost $100.00. That sucked badly, and don't think that the little pixie didn't know what she was doing. No, that crayon isn't dull…she knew exactly what she was doing to me.

"Oh shit, Bella look over there. Which one do you think Rose or Alice will kill first?"

I rolled my eyes assuming that Emmett and Edward were misbehaving and sure enough the catastrophe was just about to begin. Alice hadn't yet spotted the soon to be tragedy and Rose was talking with Dr. Cullen and Esme, the new in laws, so neither one of them were paying attention. I knew where it was heading. Shit, I was actually kind of worried about where it was heading. There was a buffet line and an awful lot of cake sitting next to them two.

"My money is on Alice and I'd say Emmett will die first. Edward is her favorite brother."

Jasper looked from me to the scene unfolding before he stood up and marched towards Emmett and Edward. I chuckled as I thought about how Jasper was probably going to try and calm them down, in turn making it worse but including himself in whatever argument they were having.

Rose was still completely clueless so I decided that if anyone would be able to stop the bear that is Emmett it would have to be her. I shook my head and stood up on the dangerous heels and started the dangerous walk over to Rose.

"Hey umm…Rose, can I talk to you?"

"Oh hey Bella, you know Dr. Cullen and his wife Esme."

"Please Rose, just Carlisle and Esme."

"Hey Doc…Esme…umm could I borrow Rose for just a second?"

"Oh Bella, just spit it out."

I looked at Rose with the best pleading look I could, I hadn't seen Edward's parents since I was sixteen and staying in Forks, WA, I really didn't want to explain that there son's were childish buffoons in front of them. Rose glared at me as confused as ever so I sighed and decided to throw in the towel. Hopefully Carlisle and Esme would already know just how stupid there sons were, and they would take pity on the person bearing the bad news.

"Oh no, Bella look out."

"What?"

I turned around just a huge, red, sloppy fucking meat ball hit me in the side of the head and then slid down my face and on to my dress. Alice was not going to have a chance to kill them, I was on my way. I bent down to remove the strap on my heel, if I was going to commit murder I was at least going to be comfortable while I did it.

Rose was shocked as Esme and Carlisle moved to take cover. They looked like expert food fight dodgers, which only leads me to believe that this is not the first fucking rodeo for them. Rose caught on to what I was doing and by time I looked up at her she was glaring in the direction of the cake

I raised quickly kicking off the shoes and placing a tight hold around Rose's arm. Together we marched angrily towards the food fight, the wedding dress was ruined, and I could see Alice in the distance trying to hide what she could from the table. All of our families and friends were covered in food from head to toe, my hair was matted to the sides of my face in what I could only hope was some sort of punch, but it strangely smelt like liquor. I was pissed as I stood there hand on hip glaring at everyone and anyone who so much as picked up an item to throw.

I know who started it, well I knew which two started it and they were both going to get an ear full from me tonight, tomorrow and the day after.

"Oh my god, Rose…the dress!"

Alice stammered over to where Rose and I were standing and started brushing Rose's dress of with a damp napkin. I'm sure it wasn't doing any fucking good. Actually, I'm positive it wasn't doing any good as I watched Alice just smear the red from the sauce deeper into the white silk.

"Alice, call an airline and book a third flight to Italy."

Alice and I both shot a dangerous look towards Emmett before staring blankly at Rose. Why in the world would she need a third flight booked? I was about to ask her the question but felt my stomach knot as Rose approached Emmett, Jasper, and Edward. All three of them were covered in cake successfully ruining the tuxes that Alice spent extra time designing for Rose's specifications.

I took in a long deep breath knowing that this was not the time for me to speak, I simply needed to back up whatever Rose was about to say.

"You…all three of you…hell the whole god damn lot of you."

She pointed her finger starting at Emmett then towards Jasper, and Edward and then waving it around in an angry little circle towards the rest of the people who stood randomly around gawking at the mess they had made.

I felt like an old woman in church, like the one's you would see in the movies, chastising the Satan spawned children of the world. Except, I was not chastising anyone verbally, believe you me if looks could kill they'd all already be six feet under and praying for mercy from Rose.

"What were you thinking? Wait, stop, don't even answer that question. I don't want to even know what the fuck you three were thinking. I don't want to hear the lies. Emmett you are to stay here with the rest of them and clean this place up. I will see you at home in one week. The girls are coming with me to Italy and I have a plane to get cleaned up for."

"But Rosie, baby…"

"Don't say another fucking word Emmett. And if that house is a mess when we get back you better bet your sweet ass that I will be a divorced woman."

I surpressed my need to stick my tongue out at Emmett. He was in some big trouble and the lost puppy dog look on his face was doing him no good at all. Rose turned on her heel to head out of the church as I tip toed bare foot through cake and whatever else was thrown all over the floor to Edward.

His eyes were darting around the room until he saw me approach; he stared at me with a very concerned look. I couldn't tell you just yet whether he was concerned for himself or for me, but he was definitely concerned. I reached up and gave him a big sloppy kiss on his cheek before peppering the rest of his face with kisses. He captured my lips and placed his hands into my disgusting hair smiling into the kiss. I'm sure he didn't expect that.

"I thought you were about kill me."

"Well, Edward, the thought did cross my mind."

"Oh yea, so how did I end up kissing you instead of being murdered."

"I always wanted to check out Italy."

With that I gave him one more kiss on the cheek and turned around to follow Rose. I glanced out of the corner of my eye as Edward watched my retreating figure with a slack jaw. Serves him right, at least he got a good bye kiss. Rose barely even waved to Emmett, although I was surprised she didn't flip him off on her way.

If I would have spent that much time and effort into a damn wedding you better believe Emmett would have gotten more than a finger from me. I would never tell Rose this, but I was secretly no longer angry about the food and beverage spilt all over me. When I look back at it, it was kind of fun to dodge the mess…and well, shit, I could take a shower. The shoes and the dress didn't really mean much to me.

"I can not fucking believe that I am now Mrs. Idiot Cullen. He couldn't wait to do something stupid like that until we were at home? No, he had to ruin our wedding day. Well, I hope everyone got a lot of fucking pictures because when my grandchildren ask why I killed grandpa I want to be able to show proof."

I chuckled slightly before swinging open the suit door where Rose stood with Alice stripping off her dress and layers of food. Her hair was a mess and Alice was using only the very tips of her fingers to pull the dress off.

"So, how are we doing this? We don't have much time for all three of us to shower."

"It'll take awhile for me to get all of this off of Rose, get in the shower now and move quick. We can do our hair and make up on the plane."

I nodded my head and began stripping out of my dress. A hot shower sounded really good right now, I only hoped that whatever was thrown into my hair washed out easily. I turned on the hot water and climbed into the tub scrubbing furiously at my hair before climbing back out to towel dry. I left the hot water running so that the next person in line to use the shower didn't have to wait for hot water.

"So Rose are you sure you want to take your honey moon with Alice and I?"

I raised my voice so that she could hear me through the bathroom door as I threw on some clothes. I made a mental note to check for passports before listening intently on Rose to respond.

"Yes, Bella I am sure. I have had enough sex to hold me over anyways."

"Yea, but Rose, this is your honey moon."

"So, can you imagine the make up sex I'll have when we get back? Trust me; I am not worried about it."

I shook my head knowing that when Rose had her mind set on something she wouldn't budge. I had not been on an air plane in over a year, and I really hope that we don't have the same vacation we had the last time.