I'm sorry it takes me ages to update, but it takes a while to think up new
ideas for each chapter. Plus I was really worried that this one was too
short. I still think it is, but I hope you guys will still like it!
This is part of my MEGA-UPDATE. I think I updated a total of 9 stories today... Anyway, would you like me to write more diaries for more LOTR characters? Enjoy!
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING
ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO READ BEYOND HERE
ENTRY 43
Sauron is now freaking out Frodo with extraordinary regularity.
As much as I enjoy any fear Big Eyes feels because of yours truly, he has made a habit of grabbing hold of me when he does so, and his hands are more than slightly grimy.
Caked in mud and god-knows-what-else to the point of skin suffocation is a closer description.
ENTRY 44
Gollum needs to get a life. I mean, I moved out and have been living with another hobbit for sixty-one years. Can't he take a hint?
ENTRY 45
Apparently not. Big Eyes has now adopted Gollum as a pet. Why can't he get a tamagotchi? Much easier to look after, anyway.
ENTRY 46
Went for a dip in a nice refreshing albeit haunted by the ghosts of men and elves pool today. Big Eyes seemed to enjoy it considerably less than me. At least his hands are marginally cleaner now.
Am thinking Big Eyes may be Gollum's new favourite.
Not quite certain how I feel about this yet.
ENTRY 47
Big Eyes is a major wuss. One little wail and he freaks out completely. The whole widened eyes and grabbing shoulder bonanza. What is wrong with him?
ENTRY 48
Saw the Black Gate. Sauron seems to have had the decorators round, looked slightly more drastic than when I saw it last. He seems to have gone for the 'Evil nouveau' look.
Looked better on Orthanc, I must say. Catch me saying that in front of Sauron though. I don't personally want to have my Christmas bonuses cut off for several millennia, thank you very much.
Big Eyes has only two discernible talents, except for an uncanny impression of a deer caught in the headlights. The only thing he's better at than getting into trouble is getting out of it again.
Which is a really bad habit in a Ringbearer.
Or a good one, from Big Schnozz's point of view.
ENTRY 49
Big Eyes and Mop Head had their first tiff today. Oooh, do I sense trouble in paradise?
ENTRY 50
Heard Gollum frolicking last night. He seemed cheerful. Hardly seems possible. Maybe he's over me at last. Scarcely allowing myself to hope.
Am getting horrible feeling that they may succeed on their quest.
ENTRY 51
Can always rely on men to wreck things for Middle Earth. Good ol' Faz.
ENTRY 52
Big Eyes losing hope and getting all depressing.
Mop Head attempting to be smart.
Men wrecking everything.
Aaaaah. Back to normal.
ENTRY 53
Great. Gollum's back. Again.
This time he was singing. Euuurgh. I'd forgotten how terrible it was.
ENTRY 54
Well, Faz certainly seems very friendly. Oh yes, he's going to send Big Eyes on his way tomorrow, with an escort of armed men.
It's difficult for a Ring of Power to be sarcastic.
He's not being friendly. He's being downright evil.
Brilliant race, mankind. Don't see why Greasy Hair couldn't be more like Faz.
He even managed to cause Big Eyes to have a near-breakdown. But then again, that's not too difficult.
Must recommend to Sauron that Faz would be a good Ringwraith.
Better than Billy-Bob, anyway.
ENTRY 55
Off to Osgiliath. See that the orcs have been there. Pfft. They have no sense of style. With them it's just destroy, pillage, burn, etc etc. With no sense of dramatics. What's happened to evil nowadays?
Big Eyes said that I have only the power to destroy.
I'm touched that he noticed.
ENTRY 56
Hmm. Focusing all my corrupting powers on Big Eyes. Have read 'Hobbit Corrupting for Dummies'. Apparently I've been overestimating his IQ.
Ohm. Evil thoughts. Ohm.
LATER
Brill book. Off we go. Big Eyes is corrupted, albeit weird looking.
LATER
I hate Mop Head.
Mop Head MUST DIE.
Big Eyes didn't even break a bone whilst plummeting down the stairs. Damn Mop Head's squidgyness.
Not even all that fond of Faz any more, since he shot Jo-Jo's 'fell beast'.
Sauron hasn't even been bothered to name them. They're just 'the fell beasts'.
Ah well, Big Eyes still corrupted.
LATER
Ooh, he's got a sword to Mop Head's throat now. I am GOOD.
LATER
I hate Mop Head. Again. Damn his uplifting and moving speech.
And so Faz has let us go, we're still on the way to Mordor. Oh fabby.
Society nowadays. Can't even give in to evil.
I must be losing my touch. Couldn't even corrupt a bunch of Ithilien rangers.
If this gets out in Mordor, I'll never be able to show my face again.
ENTRY 57
Heard Gollum talking about 'her'. Is this some ex-girlfriend of his?
If her singing is as bad as Gollum's, Big Eyes should be running for the hills.
*****
Tanuki Yasha - I know you were the third person to read it, but thanks for reviewing anyway! It's always nice to have the little blue number going up and up and up... which it seems to do now with surprising regularity...
Matrix-Twin - Which movie? Was it Huckleberry Finn? I've seen that! He IS just a walking nose with eyebrows. I'm not surprised those orcs were scared at Helm's Deep.
Reasonably Crazy - Thanks!
Gone-to-jarmadanga - Legolas, hands down! Although Aragorn does look cool in Return of the King. However, I can't like Frodo, considering his eyes are so similar to mine (hence the name). We don't get to do surfing, but... uh... I get free time to write these crazy things.
Megami no Inazumi - Really? That's so sweet, because I wasn't expecting it to be so popular - wait - that's not how you take compliments - thank you!
Cinnamonflamez - Wow, thank you so much! By the age of 8? I'm impressed.
Cosmic Castaway - Thanks so much! I'm glad you didn't actually die, then I'd feel very guilty...
Fairy-of-the-Lost - Thanks! I'll next update, um, when Return of the King comes out, I guess.
GamgeeFest - Thanks! I just think the Ring isn't given enough thought. Poor thing...
Im a Brandybuck - Well, it said in the film that the Ring and Sauron are one. Sauron has a brain. Ergo, concordantly, the Ring must have a brain.
KnowInSight - Thanks!
InterstellarDust - I know! What is WITH antennae that makes them so FREAKY?
Elfitchick - Thanks! Well, here was the Two Towers one, I hope you liked it!
Oddwen - The Lone PFR fan - So I'm clever, hilarious, genius and inspired. Whoa. That's a lot of compliments... Thanks!
Two Bored Idiots - Oh, does it? Sorry. I can put up a guide to names if you want.
Galadriel Gamgee - Thanks both of you! Hope you have recovered your a** successfully.
Ella Baggins - Thanks! I'll let him know.
RING: I KNOW ALL!
Well, there you go. I think he's pleased.
Pointy Ears Are My Thing - *looks at Pointy Ears down on knees with a slightly worried expression on face* Um, OK, I'm glad that you like it so much! Uh, you can get up now!
BURN THE R.U.M. - Thanks!
Gilraen Ar-Feiniel - Good point! Well, he manages in this chapter.
Sugaricing - Thanks so much! If you can laugh a lot, then you are exceedingly lucky. I read somewhere 'You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.'
This is part of my MEGA-UPDATE. I think I updated a total of 9 stories today... Anyway, would you like me to write more diaries for more LOTR characters? Enjoy!
THE SECRET DIARY OF THE ONE RING
ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO READ BEYOND HERE
ENTRY 43
Sauron is now freaking out Frodo with extraordinary regularity.
As much as I enjoy any fear Big Eyes feels because of yours truly, he has made a habit of grabbing hold of me when he does so, and his hands are more than slightly grimy.
Caked in mud and god-knows-what-else to the point of skin suffocation is a closer description.
ENTRY 44
Gollum needs to get a life. I mean, I moved out and have been living with another hobbit for sixty-one years. Can't he take a hint?
ENTRY 45
Apparently not. Big Eyes has now adopted Gollum as a pet. Why can't he get a tamagotchi? Much easier to look after, anyway.
ENTRY 46
Went for a dip in a nice refreshing albeit haunted by the ghosts of men and elves pool today. Big Eyes seemed to enjoy it considerably less than me. At least his hands are marginally cleaner now.
Am thinking Big Eyes may be Gollum's new favourite.
Not quite certain how I feel about this yet.
ENTRY 47
Big Eyes is a major wuss. One little wail and he freaks out completely. The whole widened eyes and grabbing shoulder bonanza. What is wrong with him?
ENTRY 48
Saw the Black Gate. Sauron seems to have had the decorators round, looked slightly more drastic than when I saw it last. He seems to have gone for the 'Evil nouveau' look.
Looked better on Orthanc, I must say. Catch me saying that in front of Sauron though. I don't personally want to have my Christmas bonuses cut off for several millennia, thank you very much.
Big Eyes has only two discernible talents, except for an uncanny impression of a deer caught in the headlights. The only thing he's better at than getting into trouble is getting out of it again.
Which is a really bad habit in a Ringbearer.
Or a good one, from Big Schnozz's point of view.
ENTRY 49
Big Eyes and Mop Head had their first tiff today. Oooh, do I sense trouble in paradise?
ENTRY 50
Heard Gollum frolicking last night. He seemed cheerful. Hardly seems possible. Maybe he's over me at last. Scarcely allowing myself to hope.
Am getting horrible feeling that they may succeed on their quest.
ENTRY 51
Can always rely on men to wreck things for Middle Earth. Good ol' Faz.
ENTRY 52
Big Eyes losing hope and getting all depressing.
Mop Head attempting to be smart.
Men wrecking everything.
Aaaaah. Back to normal.
ENTRY 53
Great. Gollum's back. Again.
This time he was singing. Euuurgh. I'd forgotten how terrible it was.
ENTRY 54
Well, Faz certainly seems very friendly. Oh yes, he's going to send Big Eyes on his way tomorrow, with an escort of armed men.
It's difficult for a Ring of Power to be sarcastic.
He's not being friendly. He's being downright evil.
Brilliant race, mankind. Don't see why Greasy Hair couldn't be more like Faz.
He even managed to cause Big Eyes to have a near-breakdown. But then again, that's not too difficult.
Must recommend to Sauron that Faz would be a good Ringwraith.
Better than Billy-Bob, anyway.
ENTRY 55
Off to Osgiliath. See that the orcs have been there. Pfft. They have no sense of style. With them it's just destroy, pillage, burn, etc etc. With no sense of dramatics. What's happened to evil nowadays?
Big Eyes said that I have only the power to destroy.
I'm touched that he noticed.
ENTRY 56
Hmm. Focusing all my corrupting powers on Big Eyes. Have read 'Hobbit Corrupting for Dummies'. Apparently I've been overestimating his IQ.
Ohm. Evil thoughts. Ohm.
LATER
Brill book. Off we go. Big Eyes is corrupted, albeit weird looking.
LATER
I hate Mop Head.
Mop Head MUST DIE.
Big Eyes didn't even break a bone whilst plummeting down the stairs. Damn Mop Head's squidgyness.
Not even all that fond of Faz any more, since he shot Jo-Jo's 'fell beast'.
Sauron hasn't even been bothered to name them. They're just 'the fell beasts'.
Ah well, Big Eyes still corrupted.
LATER
Ooh, he's got a sword to Mop Head's throat now. I am GOOD.
LATER
I hate Mop Head. Again. Damn his uplifting and moving speech.
And so Faz has let us go, we're still on the way to Mordor. Oh fabby.
Society nowadays. Can't even give in to evil.
I must be losing my touch. Couldn't even corrupt a bunch of Ithilien rangers.
If this gets out in Mordor, I'll never be able to show my face again.
ENTRY 57
Heard Gollum talking about 'her'. Is this some ex-girlfriend of his?
If her singing is as bad as Gollum's, Big Eyes should be running for the hills.
*****
Tanuki Yasha - I know you were the third person to read it, but thanks for reviewing anyway! It's always nice to have the little blue number going up and up and up... which it seems to do now with surprising regularity...
Matrix-Twin - Which movie? Was it Huckleberry Finn? I've seen that! He IS just a walking nose with eyebrows. I'm not surprised those orcs were scared at Helm's Deep.
Reasonably Crazy - Thanks!
Gone-to-jarmadanga - Legolas, hands down! Although Aragorn does look cool in Return of the King. However, I can't like Frodo, considering his eyes are so similar to mine (hence the name). We don't get to do surfing, but... uh... I get free time to write these crazy things.
Megami no Inazumi - Really? That's so sweet, because I wasn't expecting it to be so popular - wait - that's not how you take compliments - thank you!
Cinnamonflamez - Wow, thank you so much! By the age of 8? I'm impressed.
Cosmic Castaway - Thanks so much! I'm glad you didn't actually die, then I'd feel very guilty...
Fairy-of-the-Lost - Thanks! I'll next update, um, when Return of the King comes out, I guess.
GamgeeFest - Thanks! I just think the Ring isn't given enough thought. Poor thing...
Im a Brandybuck - Well, it said in the film that the Ring and Sauron are one. Sauron has a brain. Ergo, concordantly, the Ring must have a brain.
KnowInSight - Thanks!
InterstellarDust - I know! What is WITH antennae that makes them so FREAKY?
Elfitchick - Thanks! Well, here was the Two Towers one, I hope you liked it!
Oddwen - The Lone PFR fan - So I'm clever, hilarious, genius and inspired. Whoa. That's a lot of compliments... Thanks!
Two Bored Idiots - Oh, does it? Sorry. I can put up a guide to names if you want.
Galadriel Gamgee - Thanks both of you! Hope you have recovered your a** successfully.
Ella Baggins - Thanks! I'll let him know.
RING: I KNOW ALL!
Well, there you go. I think he's pleased.
Pointy Ears Are My Thing - *looks at Pointy Ears down on knees with a slightly worried expression on face* Um, OK, I'm glad that you like it so much! Uh, you can get up now!
BURN THE R.U.M. - Thanks!
Gilraen Ar-Feiniel - Good point! Well, he manages in this chapter.
Sugaricing - Thanks so much! If you can laugh a lot, then you are exceedingly lucky. I read somewhere 'You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.'
