Author's note: Hey, thanks for all the views! Please review, it's like my bread and butter. I love hearing your opinions. And if anyone has suggestions for "Raising Umah", let me know. Thanks again, for the beta, Razielim Vampiress :D

Struck by inspiration, or perhaps that was Smoke's big feet, Tia waved an invisible wand and incanted "Bibbidy bobbidy boo". The author's clothes were instantly changed into fitting court attire.

Raziel was appropriately impressed. "A rather interesting use of magic."

"A practical one, sir. One never knows what sort of wardrobe is appropriate when traveling," the Muse quipped as they were led down the hall.

"Speaking of practical," Smoke mumbled as she stumbled awkwardly. She bent down and picked up a pair of high-heeled clogs before jogging to catch up with the both of them.

The muse berated her for being barefoot, even though she herself had no shoes. "I want my boots," Smoke whined.

"Oh, fine" the clogs became the finest kid boots. Raziel felt confused and out of place in this conversation but some male instinct told him not to get involved with women and their footwear.

Raziel stopped to allow the little Writer to catch up. "I had forgotten how slowly humans move," he remarked.

Smoke rubbed her poor toes. Yep, she could definitely feel a blister coming on. "I wish we had some bicycles."

"I can do you one better," Tia pointed and a pedal powered rickshaw rose from the ground. Raziel almost asked what the strange contraption was and thought the better of it.

Smoke shrieked as her clothing turned into spandex that left nothing to the imagination. Unfortunately, her form did not live up to any normal person's fantasy.

Raziel was beginning to wonder whether or not it was wise to grant sanctuary to these two. This could not be normal human behavior.

"If you would please come with me," Raziel insisted, not from his own impatience but for the displeasure of his sire.

"Of course," Tia murmured. She imagined the otherwise dignified vampire would crap himself if his sire was annoyed.

Smoke grumbled under her breath about the muse being a lazy little brat as she stood on the pedals to get the odd contraption moving. Fortunately, once they were moving, they made good time over the hard-packed soil and stones of the road.

The Muse lounged comfortably behind Smoke, occasionally humming the Wicked Witch theme from the Wizard of Oz. Raziel jogged ahead of them, the sight of the leather hugging his behind encouraged the author to pedal harder and faster until she was panting with...exertion. Whereas the Muse was getting a less desirable view.

"Dear Ra, it looks like a spider eating."

"One more comment and you're walking, you lush."

"Ladies...please."

They soon reached the base of the mountain and began to make their way up the steep slope when Smoke became so distracted by Raziel hind end she careened off the path and landed the two humans sprawled in a ditch.

Slowly, painfully, the Writer and Muse crawled out the ditch. Smoke rubbed her head and fumed in embarrassment. Tia tutted over the damage to the bike.

"If you think I was going to pedal up that mountain, you're cracked."

"Sheesh what a puss," the Muse sighed wearily. "Fine."

With a gesture, the two of them were clean again, Smoke restored to the courtly garb. Tia clasped her hands over her chest and the three of them rose, buoyed by winged spirits to the top of the mountains. Raziel found himself wondering what else these strange ones were capable of.

Smoke was a lot more vocal. "You mean to tell me we could have done that at ANY TIME?!"

Tia looked at her solemnly. "No, not at any time." Her expression turned puckish. "Only when it was funny!"

"Alright, Roger..."

Smoke screeched and threw a lightning bolt at her friend without thinking. It passed harmlessly through her and took out an innocent tree. "Muses can't be harmed, remember?"

"Dammit."

Tia yawned as Raziel lectured them on proper etiquette in front of the Lord and Master.

"And remember not to use your powers unless my Lord requests a demonstration. The Master would not appreciate your...high spirits...as I do."

Smoke stopped being a bitch and sighed dotingly at how Raziel didn't seem bothered by their antics. So cute. So insanely cute. Too bad he'd drain her dry if she made him angry enough or if ordered to. "As you wish."

Outside of Kain's door, Raziel whispered. "Allow me to enter first. Do not speak until invited to."

Kain's main hall was everything one would expect in your average King Arthur movie. The architecture was grand and imposing. Huge tapestries and stained glass windows depicted the emperor's conquests and that of his sons. Marble statues were on display, crying to all who came here the wealth and power of the owner. There had to be millions of dollars gilding the walls and ceiling. Not to mention precious stones and silver.

Smoke gaped and gawked wordlessly while the Muse attempted to pretend like all this was routine to her. The two women obediently followed the lieutenant inside, mindful of their manners and silent. They felt the eyes of the other five lieutenants upon them but pretended to take no notice of their presence, their gaze firmly straight ahead.

Raziel strode forward into the hall, pausing only to kneel in submission. When he regained his feet he announced:

"My Lord, I bring to you the two sorceresses that dare have the audacity to enter your lands."

Smoke and Tia walked forward. Acting on some strange inspiration, Smoke did not copy Raziel's prostration, but instead bowed deeply before the emperor, her eyes never losing sight of him.

The Lord of Nosgoth sat on an elaborately carved stone throne. The Soul Reaver was propped up against his throne, within easy reach of his claws. A deadly and sinister badge of office. His eyes coldly assessed them. The polygon version did not do him justice. He was magnificent and ferocious; the lion of the pride, alpha of the wolf; all the manly cliches. Tia tried to avert her eyes from the huge bulge in his pants. She hoped that was just a cup.

"I am Kain, Lord of Nosgoth. All that exists in my demenses belongs to me. And now, that would include you. What right have to you intrude on my holdings?" Kain smirked evilly, displaying his prominent fangs.

Smoke nearly creamed herself at the sound of that deadly seductive voice. Tia did her best to hide her awe and look respectful. "I am Tia the Muse and my companion is Lady Smoke of Dimensia. We come in peace, my lord. With your kind permission, we ask to visit your land and learn from you."

Kain raised his taloned hand and the Muse sprang forward, compelled by telekinesis. Smoke grabbed onto Raziel tightly, who was trying not to notice her exposed neck. It was the height of rudeness to feed before the Master in his own hall.

"No one has ever used 'kind' in reference to me. And it is I who shall learn from you, provided that you possess anything that I could find of value."

Tia raised her head and met Kain's amber eyes. She had a feeling it would be a mistake to back down now. "In that case my lord, allow me to instruct you."

The Muse willed herself away from Kain's grip and hovered in midair. All but Kain gasped in surprise. She willed herself a magnificent pair of wings and instinctively knew her body was turning blue. Well, that got everyone's attention.

Tia tried to remember some of the powers Janos had in Defiance and gave up. Screw it, she'll just summon some demons. There was a collective cry from the vampires as the creatures appeared but Tia eliminated quickly with green bursts of energy. She then flew around the room in concentric circles before landing before Kain. She bowed and returned to her normal appearance. If the Lord of Vampires was impressed, he hid it well.

Kain clapped languidly three times. "Very amusing. You may be interesting enough to allow to live." His eyes turned to Smoke. "And what can you do, little one?"

Oh, good. She had to follow THAT. Well, better try something cool before he killed her.

Timidly, Smoke released her death grip on Raziel's arm and traipsed forward. As she fought her panic with calming breaths, she felt inspiration flow into her. Unlike his throne room at the sanctuary of the clans, Kain's private audience chamber was decorated from floor to ceiling with fine object d'art. She willed for several antique vases to raise into the air. Sending them into flight, as one would expect from a flock of birds, Smoke then fired bolts of lightening at the vessels. Each bolt connected with its target, but caused no damage.

"Am I supposed to be impressed with that paltry display?" Kain sneered.

Smoke bowed again as she explained, her words lilted with the care she chose them with.

"I restrained my energy for the purpose of this demonstration. I did not wish to cause damage to your possessions."

"An interesting excuse," Kain said as he rose from his throne.

Smoke fought the urge to run as she watched the deadly predator stalk towards her with catlike grace. It was several moments before she realized that the Reaver was in his hand.

Without conscious thought, Smoke telekinetically wrenched a decorative spear from the wall and brought it up to block Kain's attack.

Metal clanged on metal as the Reaver rebounded off the inferior weapon. Kain stepped back and brought his weapon around again, a strange fire in his eyes. Smoke stumbled as she blocked another swing from the deadly blade. In the back of her mind, she noticed the Reaver flashing blue and hungering for her soul. A third strike shattered the spear, and Smoke flung away the broken pieces as she dodged away from the infuriated vampire. By now, she was trembling like a rabbit.

The air around Smoke shimmered and her gown became armor. The broken fragments reformed and became pure light. She now could fight from a position of strength, if not superiority. Beside Raziel, Tia smirked behind her hand and tried to look as though this was an every day occurrence. She wondered if Smoke knew she was helping.

Kain took his opponent's change in appearance in stride and attacked again. Though her movements spoke of fear and desperation, she countered his volley of attacks. Suddenly, Kain feinted and managed to catch Smoke off-guard. Knocked her weapon out of her hands and seized her by the throat. Despite the constriction, an astonishingly loud shriek of terror pierced the air.

Then, the entire room exploded into light as electricity ripped through the air. When the chaos died down, Kain merely considered the struggling human in his grasp. Kain released his grip on Smoke, and she collapsed to the floor in an undignified heap. He sheathed his sword and took a step or two away from her, allowing Smoke to scramble to her feet.

"You are right to fear me. However, that you could survive for even a moment against me is a testament to your skill."

Kain projected his voice for all to hear. "Until I decide otherwise, these human females will be treated as guests. As such, they will not be harmed or fed upon. Except perhaps by me," his smile was feral. "Now then, let us indulge our hunger while our guests do the same in their own fashion."

With a gesture, Kain summoned a gaggle of human servants to serve the women while trays of blood-filled goblets were wheeled in for the vampires pleasure. The clan leaders sneered at this "spoon fed" fare but playing the gracious host seemed to entertain Kain for now and he assumed seeing their fellow creatures served as food might disturb the visitors' digestion. They dared not complain too loudly in their sire's presence.

Tia chided Smoke for drinking the wine. "You're supposed to stay sober, remember? Why do all your stories contain rampant drinking anyway?"

"You underestimate me," Smoke calmly answered as she took another sip of wine. Tia turned the flagon of wine into mountain dew. Smoke nearly choked. "I'm the Drunken Muse, remember? I'm supposed to be drinking this," Tia downed her glass and poured herself another. Smoke rolled her eyes and started talking to Melchiah, who was seated on her right.

The two of them swiftly fell into a conversation about tanning leather.

"You take the brains and rub them into the hide," Smoke answered, momentarily forgetting that she was speaking of human products.

While the vampires indulged their gift and Smoke pointedly ignored her companion, the Muse was becoming incredibly inebriated with every passing moment. This was dangerous for many reasons; for one, she had a remarkably low alcohol tolerance. Her Muse powers increased dramatically while her self-control and healthy fear of Kain diminished.

Tia stood up and clanged her spoon against her golden goblet. The sound was jarring enough to ensure all eyes were upon her, irritated though they were. "I would like to propose a toast." Suddenly it started raining heated bread indoors. She giggled and continued, "Nah, not that kind. I propose a toast; to Raziel, for having such a magnificent behind it ran Smoke off the road. Truly sir, your ass is a thing of beauty that should be rendered in stone for all to see. Mount Buttocks. It'll be a tourist attraction for years to come."

Smoke hid her face in shame behind her napkin. Some of the brethren snickered at their elder brother's expense but were silence by a mild glance from their sire. Kain seemed torn between irritation and cruel mirth.

"I don't know her that well. We just met in a chat room, honest," the Writer murmured to her dining companions.

Raziel coughed nervously. The earth never swallowed one when necessary. He was beginning to regret sparing their lives. "It is...kind of you to say that, but traditionally a guest always toasts her host first, not the host's offspring. I believe an apology is in order."

Tia bowed her head, the action made her dizzy but she continued and gave Kain a proper salute. "You're right, cutie. A toast and a round of applause to Kain, the world's biggest, most bloodthirsty badass. And may I say sir," she gave Kain an inebriated leer. "You have an amazing package. I'm not just saying that to be polite either. I grew up in cattle country and you'd make even a Brahma bull suffer from penis envy. I don't suppose I could convince you to pose naked for me could I? We'd make a mint."

Kain's face remained impassive, save for a vein throbbing in his temple. Those who knew him would recognize the clenched claws imbedding themselves in his chair and would either flee or kill themselves to escape his wrath. The Muse was blissfully unaware of the approaching storm. Smoke was wondering if she could teleport herself without Tia. But then, where in Nosgoth could she hide?

"C'mon, you guys! Where's the applause for your sire? Hell, I'll make my own." She waved her arms and the statues began to clap, the sound of stone on stone loud and grating. With another drunken gesture, it stopped.

Tia turned back to Kain and bowed respectfully. "If you don't mind me saying so, Hot Pants, this place could really use some dinner entertainment."

"By all means. Why don't you provide it," Kain's voice was dangerously soft.

"Good idea!" The Muse held her arms out and willed a statue of a dying maiden to change. Smoke hid under the table when she saw the statue now looked like Umah, down to the purple underwear. The author was wondering how the situation could get any worse when the figure began to dance.

What a drunken Muse thought of as dancing was highly questionable. In this case, the marble statue began to bump and grind to "Milkshake".

Having a statue that looked like the lost "love" of the King of Vampires was not the wisest choice. This error was compounded by the aforementioned statue now pole dancing around a column.

Melchiah peered under the tablecloth at the coward under the table. "Why would a dancing statue disturb the master so?"

Smoke risked a peek up at him. Does the name 'Umah' ring a bell?"

"No, it doesn't. Why?"

"Don't worry about it, then."

Tia hiccuped and a wad of dollar bills fell into the lap of a very very perturbed Kain. "There ya go, sweetie! C'mon Umah! Give the emperor a lap dance!"

The statue clumsily gyrated in Kain's direction with full intention of planting itself in Kain's lap. However, it never got the chance as Kain stood with a yell of fury ripping from his throat.

Smoke's senses cleared from the blind panic that was prompted by Kain's outburst and she realized that all six of Kain's lieutenants had joined her in the meager shelter of the table. It was then she actually realized how bad the situation truly was.

The very angry Vampire Lord faced down the Muse, her face flushed by the alcohol. "Have you anything to say about this amazing lack of manners and good sense, girl?"

Turel whispered to his older brother. "Raziel, stick your head up and see if it's over."

Raziel seemed startled. "Why me?"

"Because you're his favorite, and he wouldn't ever do anything to hurt you."

The Writer snorted. Don't count on that, pal, she thought to herself.

"Would you rather it had been Ariel?"

The earth shuddered as Kain growled in rage and then shattered every marble statue in a massive telekinetic blast. Colossal hunks of stone flew about the room, splintering chairs to kindling. Smoke found herself able to shield herself and her shelter mates. Of Tia, there was no sound.

Kain wrenched the table over and grabbed Smoke from among the huddle of frightened vampires. "And have you anything to add?"

Strangely, Smoke was completely calm despite the situation. She kept her eyes lowered as she said, "I am deeply embarrassed by the actions of my companion."

Kain, dissatisfied with the answer, gave the suspended author a rough shake. "Please, I didn't know she would do such a thing," Smoke added, her calm beginning to dissipate.

A third shaking prompted Smoke to break down in tears. "I don't wanna die! I hate that fucking muse, she's been nothing but trouble for me!"

"Nice, Smoke," Tia sneered. She stood behind Kain, not a hair on her head mussed from the recent explosion. Kain's attack had caused the muse to dissipate into a cloud of concept. She had now reformed, much to everyone's surprise. "And may I remind you we wouldn't even be in this situation if someone hadn't bought my liquor from a non-secure website."

For the first time that night, Kain's feelings actually registered in his expression. "Aren't you dead?"

"So are you, but it doesn't seem to slow you down."

In a burst of light, Smoke disappeared from Kain's grasp and reappeared beside Tia. "Forgive me for being presumptuous, Kain, but no one kills this one but me."

The emperor's eyes narrowed. Understanding gathered at the edges of his consciousness and he gazed at her as if seeing her for the first time. "You are not precisely human. Not anymore. Are you?"

"Fuck, you just figured that out?" the Muse shouted.

"Leave us!" Kain ignored this latest insult and barked out an order at his sons. Those who hadn't snuck away quietly scampered away as fast as their vampiric speed would take them.

Kain could not recall the last time his confidence had wavered. Though he was sure that his sons had imagined the worst, and that they had been dismissed for their own safety, Kain was actually afraid of losing face. This "Muse" was truly a force to be reckoned with.

He carefully schooled his features into an expression of indifference and addressed Tia. "You and your traveling companion will leave Nosgoth at once." This was his attempt at maintaining dominance.

Smoke opened her mouth to agree when the Muse smirked at the vampire lord and said, "No."

Kain growled softly. "I demand that you at least behave yourselves then. I will...forgive your transgressions because your abilities are somewhat useful."

Tia pondered this for a minute. She let Kain know by the look on her face that she knew he did not have the power to force them to leave.

"I am a Muse. I am the power of the Idea given human form. I predate the spoken word." The room resounded with this speech and Kain could sense the energy emanating from what appeared to be a weak human female. If he were lucky, she would at least leave him with his kingdom. If not...

Tia's fierce expression melted away and she took pity on the poor beleaguered emperor. "But I apologize for my rudeness. You may not command me," she ignored Kain's protest, "but I do have to be a gracious guest."

With that, she restored the room to its former beauty, though the statue of the dying maiden retained Umah's features. Kain found himself eaten with curiosity and wondered how this creature could possibly know who the vampiress had been. He felt a bit of trepidation about what else she could have known, including his destiny.

The Muse smiled knowingly. "You are right, you know. There's a third option. And the coin is still turning."

Kain was shocked. Did this Muse have access to the chronoplast? It was better not to ask.

Tia approached Kain and held out her arms. "Your children will expect you to reprimand me. I offer myself up for punishment."

Ah, she was allowing him to save face. It chafed him to be beholden to her but at the moment he had no choice. He could feel an unknown hand guiding events and only hoped this hidden puppet master would soon grow tired of him and move on.

Kain nodded and made deep gouges in the Muse's face and arms with his claws. The little human gasped in alarm and he grinned at her. She'd be next if he had his way, but for now this was enough.

The emperor stepped back from his "guests" and bellowed for his oldest child. Raziel cautiously entered the room, surprised to find it intact. He was even more shocked to see the humans breathing.

"Since you were foolish enough to offer sanctuary to these witches, I charge you with their care. Keep them out of trouble."

Raziel lead the two sorceresses from the sanctuary, a cold lump in the pit of his stomach. He couldn't fathom how he could keep such powerful beings from angering his Lord again. He showed them back to their rooms and departed as swiftly as etiquette would allow without another word.

Tia flopped down on the four poster bed. "Damn, this is posh! I didn't think we'd walk out of there. I've always wanted one of these!"

"It's only your Muse powers that saved us, y'know. I didn't have a chance," Smoke remarked gloomily.

The Muse turned her head. "What's up your arse?"

"Think about it. Not only does Kain and Raziel hate us, we're stuck in a land before indoor plumbing, medicine or basic hygiene."

"Aw, c'mon. You're so lucky! You get to meet your fave characters and then write about them." Tia sighed. "I wanna do what you do."

"You do, huh? In that case, I was going to play in traffic. And drink bleach."

"Hey if I could write, I'd write our asses out of here!" Tia blinked. "Damn! I'm such a frickin' moron!"

"No argument here."

The Muse lovingly smacked her and stood up, finding parchment and quills at the writing desk. "Here ya go, kiddo. Write our asses out of here."

"Sure, why not? Glad I took that calligraphy class." Smoke examined the feathered quills. "You think these are Janos' feathers?"

"Quit being an ass and write. I'm gonna drink some more wine."

Smoke scribbled furiously while the florid muse shouted drunken ideas from the bed. It was this strange tableau that Raziel walked into.

He had berated himself for saving the women and offering them sanctuary. His sire had insisted he be the one to watch over them; Raziel could not think of a harsher punishment.

"Done! Let's get out of here!"

At Smoke's words, a blue vortex opened up in the room and Writer, Muse, and confused vampire were swept into the twenty-first century.