Chapter 3

After nearly a month, Dean remembered almost everything that happened the night he had been with Castiel. The images came to his mind mostly in dreams, but Dean knew it was real; the dreams were so vivid that when Dean woke up, he unconsciously sought for Castiel in his bed. But Dean never admitted it, not even to himself. Instead, he tried to erase his memories and feelings with alcohol.

Once again, when Sam got in the motel room, he found Dean drinking a bottle of whisky with another bottle empty next to him.

Sam took the bottle from Dean's hand. "Enough!" he said, tired of the current situation.

"What the hell, Sam?" Dean got up from the bed, upset.

"You're drinking too much."

There's no such thing as drinking too much. Dean thought as he rolled his eyes.

"What's going on with you, Dean?!" Sam asked in a worried tone.

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Don't lie to me..." Sam pleaded. "You think I didn't notice?! You don't sleep most of the nights, you're drinking all the time; you're distracted from the job and that may get you killed." Sam's tone sounded a bit upset and worried.

Dean was quiet for a second. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Damn it, Dean! I just wanna help, so tell me what's going on." Sam ordered impatiently.

"I can't tell you…" Dean said in a low voice. Sam was hopeful for a second; Dean could not want to tell him but at least he was admitting there was something wrong. "because there's nothing going on." Dean finished. He got up and walked to the door with the intention of leaving.

Sam stepped in front of the door, stopping Dean. "No! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what happened! Or I swear I'll call Cas and make him read your mind to find out."

Dean's eyes widened at the mention of Castiel, and Sam noticed it.

Now that he thought about it, they hadn't seen Castiel in a while, which was odd because he usually didn't stay away for so long. In fact, Sam hadn't seen Castiel about a month; the same time Dean started drinking.

It didn't take long to Sam do the maths. "This is about Cas," he said confidently.

It surprised Dean again, but he wasn't going to say anything. "I'm going to get a beer…" Dean pushed his brother away from the door. "since someone took my drink." And Dean got out.

Sam didn't stop Dean this time. After all, he got some information out of Dean. Sam kept thinking about what could've happened so bad for Dean being like that… Maybe he really should call Cas.


During the days he spent with his brother, Balthazar tried to distract him and get Dean out of his mind, even if it was only for a moment. Although sometimes he could get a smile from Castiel, it was hard to make him forget Dean. Harder than he thought and Balthazar was running out of ideas.

Castiel was staring out the window already fixed. Balthazar came behind him and slid his arms around Castiel's body and hugged him. The touch was unexpected, so Balthazar kissed Castiel on the neck to relax him.

"We need to talk…" Balthazar whispered to Castiel's ear.

Castiel turned around. "About what?"

"The truth… about your feelings."

As his brother continued with a confused look, Balthazar decided to elaborate. "We've been together for a while now, and… The truth is: you love Dean. More than anyone. More than me."

"You are right," Castiel said, feeling guilty for giving his brother false hopes, like Dean had given him. "I'm sorry."

Balthazar smiled a little. "It's okay." He touched Castiel's cheek softly. "It's just… You can't keep doing this. You can't be here forever, Cassie ..."

"What do I do then?" Castiel asked.

"I hate myself for suggesting this, but I can't see you like this anymore. So maybe you could…go back, and talk to Dean." Balthazar wasn't sure if it was a good idea. He didn't like Dean, he never did and now even less since he knew what he did to Castiel. So it was a risk, because Dean could hurt his dear brother again.

"No. He doesn't need me." Or else he would've called for me. "He doesn't want me. I just have to forget it…"

"Forget what? Your feelings?" Balthazar asked. "You may forget what happened between you two, but you can't forget what you feel. You may hide it, but never forget it."

"What I felt for Dean was so…pure. And now, there are so many other feelings I don't even know. I don't know what I feel anymore." He looked down, sad and frustrated.

Castiel didn't know, but Balthazar could see it through his brother's eyes what he felt. There was…love, when he talked about Dean. And then… deception, hurt, confusion…

"Don't feel bad…" Balthazar said in a soft voice. "Remember, we weren't made for this. We're not supposed to feel…anything. Because it's complicated…"

"I thought having feelings was good. That it made me better… But sometimes I wished I didn't feel anything." Castiel said still looking down, almost crying.

Balthazar, unable to contain himself, hugged Castiel, the only one he loved more than anything (since his love for God vanished the moment he left). "It was easier, wasn't it? How we were before…" Balthazar caressed his brother's hair as he remembered the time when they were soldiers and only followed orders. "But like father said, it isn't easy to live with humans." Although God was missing, Balthazar knew he was still important to Castiel, who believed that one day he would return.

With the truth revealed Balthazar had no reasons to stay with him, so Castiel thought Balthazar would leave.

But he didn't. Balthazar wanted to help him; he just had to find another way…