Chapter III
"And if he didn't exist?" she asked timidly.
Sirius leaned his head against the wall and didn't smile. "That's the wrong question." He wasn't even goanna pretend this talk was causal. He believe that was beneath them both and if she couldn't deal with it then she shouldn't have brought it up at all.
"Okay, let me rephrase," as she spoke her eyes seemed to gain focus. This was important to her. "If he wasn't obsessed with me, then what?"
He gave her a coy look. "Then I would be obsessed with you." Then he lowered his head and pressed his warm lips against her neck.
ooo
Lily was alone in her dormitory. She could hear the party raging on downstairs. Gryffindor had defeated Hufflepuff once again and the Marauders had resurfaced from the match with piles of stolen food and dozens of bottles of liquor. Most of the older student were participating, while the younger ones selfconsciously stood around wondering if they should call a teacher. But none of them were really that dumb.
Out of the whole house Lily was probably the only one that hand't gone to game, and who hand't seen James's swoop from 130 feet in the air capturing the snitch to triumphant cheers. She had never cared for sports but now they seemed even more trivial. She could hardly believe the rest of the world took them so seriously.
Scowling she smooched her pillow into a different position, hoping that might help her sleep. Getting a true rest was difficult - she had too much to think of. And not just about Sirius, or Snape, these days her thoughts were more and more on her parents. On her amazing deceased parents.
Summer already seemed a very long time ago. She remember the coconut sunblock, the denim shorts, her hair loose and shimmering. She had looked great that summer. A little tan, a little too aware of how pretty she was. But it had been nice, everyone admired her.
They went to London in July. The sky was light blue, like the color they drape baby boys in and her parents were wearing jeans. Diagon Alley was crowded that day. They had squeeze their way through people and around corners. They had almost gotten lost a couple of times.
Dad had bought them all chocolate ice cream, and it dripped on her hand under the noon sun. It hand't been a perfect day but it had been good one. She had been happy. They were all happy. It was almost like looking back on a picture.
And then somewhere, someone screamed.
And the picture ended right there.
The Death Eaters seemed to appear out of nothing. They bolted right out of the air. Everything was a panic. Lily couldn't even move, she wasn't any good in these situations. She never even grabbed her wand. Her parents didn't understand anything. But Lily knew - part of her knew-
And she still didn't defend them. She didn't tell them to run. There were people everywhere and they pushed her around. At some point she couldn't see either of them anymore. She got dragged back by the crowd. Everyone was aperating out there. Everyone was afraid. Everyone was trying to find their friends, and children and spouses.
But what was wrong with Lily. Why hand't she reacted? Why had she been so scared?
When the Aurors showed up the Death Eaters were gone. There were twenty four dead. Thirteen wounded. And one girl - one very pretty girl who was just standing there in the corner of the street. She couldn't even move.
This wasn't the way things shoulda been. She was a Gryffindor, she was brave and strong and willful. Why couldn't she be any of those things for them? Why couldn't she protect them? And now whenever she thought back to her picture perfect family all she felt was guilt - because she'd practically let them die.
ooo
Peter was pressed against the corner of the Gryffindor common room, his hands running through Greta's blonde hair. It was nice having a girl for once. It felt amazing kissing her, and feeling her waist and skin. She was really great, and probably one of the few people that didn't think he was an idiot. He wasn't sure exactly why she should like him, but that didn't really matter, he was too busy falling in love.
After a few minutes she pulled away from him. One hand on each other his shoulders. "You guys sure know how to through a party."
Peter smiled. "Yeah, well we've had lots of practice."
She giggled lightly and the sound made the butterflies in his stomach flutter up to his throat. He really adored this girl. It didn't matter how sensible, and cautious he tried to be the truth couldn't be denied. "But is it me or is Sirius really out of spirits?" She nudged her head in his direction.
She was right. Sirius looked about the same as he had all year: grumpy and quiet. He didn't even have a drink in his hands. It was very unusual, especially because as he was a Chaser this was his victory too. "Yeah, I have no idea what's happening with him. Remus keeps eluting to something."
"Mmm, look I wasn't sure if I should tell you," she began, her voice quieter. "But he's your friend and honestly I think he really needs help."
"What are you talking about?"
"Well you know how Sirius has a few girls he has 'benefits' with?"
"Yeah." Sirius was a bit of a bragger when it came to sex. Of course he had reason to be. It wasn't just that he was the handsomest and most experienced boy their year, it was that according to several female reports he was also the most talented. That pretty much made him golden. He could have any girl he wanted.
"Well as far as I can tell he hans't been sleeping with any of them since June."
Peter blinked. "What?" Sirius in a period of abstinence? That was unheard of.
"They're really freaked out. Apparently they think he might be sick or in love with someone or something because he just keeps turning them down."
"Well, maybe he just has a new group."
Greta shrugged. "I guess, but doesn't it seem strange to you?"
"Yeah, real strange," his eyes had shifted away from her again to Sirius who sat alone in the same place. "You know what, maybe I should talk to him. I'll be back in a bit." She nodded and he crossed the room, eyes nervously darting around the crowd of people.
He needed this conversation to stay private. He slouched into the armchair next to his friend and smiled. "Hey, what's going on? Do you want me to get you a drink?"
Sirius scuffed. "I could summon one anytime I want."
Peter felt himself blush, he hated it when his friends made him feel small. "Right."
"Yeah, and if you don't mind I want to be alone. I'm thinking, an activity I would recommend you do once in a while."
"What is wrong with you?"
Sirius turned to look at him. "I'm in a bad mood, I've been in a bad mood for months now, so be smart for once in your life and shut up before I blast you into next week."
Peter almost retorted but the look on Sirius's eyes made him think better of it. He really was in a terrible mood. And the thing was Peter was no good in duels, especially not with a friend, or whatever Sirius was to him these days. He had noticed their coldest towards him the last couple of weeks. Ever since the day Snivellus attacked James.
The disturbing thing was his 'friends' the ones that had always protected him because he was 'weak' were now ostracizing him for that same trait. What was he supposed to do? His natural instinct had always been to preserve himself, and he had never thought anything like that would happen to James. He actually liked James, best of all.
And he was supposed to be the toughest, and the best at magic. How was Peter supposed to anticipate the fact that he would be defeated for once? So when he saw Snivellus that day he ran away, because he had been terrified. He didn't like playing with fire because every single time he got burned his 'friends' lost a little respect for him. He has lost too many fights already - especially for a marauder.
It was sick really his relation to all of them. How they protected him even though none of them, not one really like him. And he went along with it because he needed to. He needed to have friends, and popularity, he needed to feel power even if it was only in the second degree. He was used to that set up, but that fight had shaken everything up.
It had made him understand something: Sirius and James and Remus were strong but strength must be measured against something. Among the kids at school they were probably some of the best fighter, but what about the real world? Would they be able to protect him there? He wasn't so sure anymore. James hand't even been able to take down Snape, and that was just one ugly little guy. There was a whole war outside those stone walls. How was he supposed to survive there?
ooo
After shaking Peter off Sirius was especially agitated. He felt like simply pulling out his wand and making the whole room collapse. He couldn't take the cheerful drunk singing, and the heaps of giggles that bounces around the walls. It was all insupportable. So he grabbed his broom and left.
He just wanted somewhere quiet - where he could think without being disturbed by the likes of Wormtail.
The whole castle was silent, except for the occasional creaking underneath his feet. He was a master at getting around at night and knew all the short cuts and all the good hiding places. It was second nature to him by now. Flitch wasn't even a worry. He had evaded him too many times.
Once outside the air felt wonderful, it rushed through him bellowing his cloak and hair. The night was dark and freezing but once he mounted the broom an exhilaration began filling his body. He enjoyed flying more than anything else. There was nothing like it in the world. It was like the personification of freedom.
Flying also made him remember. He would think back on all his lonely summers with only Regulus for company where they would race for ours and end up fighting. And also all those Quidditch practices with James - laughing so hard they disturbed everyone's concentration. If they weren't so damn good they would've been kicked off the team ages ago.
But flying mostly made him think about Lily.
Somehow in every game he played in he could always make out her face clearest in the crowd. Even before he found out how amazing she was, there had always been a sense of clarity around her. He could be spinning around in the air or trying his best to knock a dirty Slytherin down and somehow he would see the flaming red of Lily's hair and the brilliantness of her smile.
It was up in the air that he had discovered how beautiful she really was. It was no wonder James had always been crazy about her. Lily was incredible.
Before her he had never been close to any woman. He had slept around but he kept all the girls who care about him at an arms distance away. He had been afraid of them, afraid of true affection. He hand't let them any of them know him. Just like he didn't want to know them. It worked that way for a couple of years, but after sharing everything he had with Lily his old system just seemed stupid.
Lily had seen more of him that anyone. He had cried in her arms. He had talked about his family - about his mother. She had shaken as he spoke of the punishments he endured under their roof. She had held his hands as he spoke of his recurring dream of murdering his parents and impaling his brother.
He had utterly terrorized her and he had expected her to run. But she didn't.
She knew somehow that his fury was contained by years of control. And none of it ever made her fear him, instead it made her understand. He told her things that he had never told anyone before - not even James. And so his relationship with her was a betrayal in every sense of the word.
He had taken his girl. He had slept with his girl. He had dumped her and broken her heart. But it went deeper than that because he had trusted her more than he had ever trusted James. Why? In the beginning everything had been a blur and he had no idea why he was revealing all his secret to her one by one as if veritaserum had been dripped into his blood stream. But as time passed he began to understand.
Lily never judged. She didn't have James impeccable moral fiber. She was a good person but she understood hate and violence and desire. She understood that for him not murdering his parents had been difficult. And she understood why he had lead Snape into near death the previous years. She got that deep down something in Sirius craved blood because he couldn't deal with his problems rationally like Remus or James.
The others would never have understood that. In fact they would have been disappointed to discover that he really wasn't that different from his family. He had a tremendous desire to inflict harm and pain. Pushing past that was difficult but he did it every day because he wanted to be good.
But maybe only Lily would get it like that.
Suddenly Sirius stopped moving. He hand't realized he was flying towards her window until now. Something told him that she would be there. There was this peculiar feeling that he was supposed to see her tonight.
Slowly he began moving again.
ooo
A/N: This chapter was a bit of a challenge. Especially the part about Lily's parents dying, but I had always wondered what happened to them so this was my way of speculating. By the way the first section of this chapter is a flash back to the summer when Lily and Sirius were together. Sorry if it was confusing.
All feedback is welcomed.
