Chapter 3
Dean's jobs were coming less these days, which didn't please him. By the end of the week, he had finished all his jobs, with no coming jobs ahead. None. Nothing from any hunter's he's met along the way and given his number too, nor anything from Sam. Then again, he didn't expect or want anything from Sam. At least, not currently.
But he even went so far as to search himself instead of ask about it from other hunters or any local authorities. But there was nothing close.
So, to keep himself from being too angry at the lack of work, he decided he should take this time to catch up on sleep. And that's exactly what he did. And there, he did hunt…which could or couldn't help his situation and patience.
Right now, he was reliving a hunt instead of going through a slightly warped one (those were themed after actually hunts he'd been on, just changed enough to be unique). This was the job he'd went on with Sam where they'd come across the ghost killing people through water sources. He remembered the kid, the one who'd lost his father.
He was walking his way down a path in the woods close by the kids house, but there was no one with him. This felt unfamiliar and it confused him.
"Hello, Dean."
He jumped as he turned, and he knew then that this was a dream. But he wondered, as Castiel's starring in his dream, or was he speaking to him? He'd only spoke to him through his dreams a few times, and when Castiel appeared in Dean's dreams, it was more current dreams. Dreams where his presence made sense.
"Cas? …What are you doing here?" he asked, lowing his shotgun that he had in hand.
"I'm here to speak with you. I cannot currently leave heaven…" he informed him.
Dean took a breath and sighed, relaxing. He glanced around. The farther the scenery went, the more blurry or distorted it became. It wasn't like this before… it was as clear as it had been when it had actually happened. "..So, what's up, Cas?"
He watched Dean, before looking away, his brows knitting together. He paced for a moment, trying to find a way to begin to express all he intended to.
"…You know, to speak…usually your mouth opens and sound comes out." Dean said after too much silenced paced. He walked closer to Castiel then. There were few times he saw Castiel in this state; confused, and seemingly worried. And he was struggling to speak about whatever was so urgent that his dreams had to be entered. "Cas, what's wrong?"
Castiel finally looked to Dean again. "I'm…tired, Dean."
He knew that wasn't the only thing Castiel needed to get off his chest. He raised a brow, coming closer. "What, they don't let you soldier's nap upstairs?"
"No, they don't Dean. But I don't mean physically tired, as you get. I mean…I'm.. I'm tired of everything." He admitted, as all the pressures of who he was swarmed his mind. An angel, a soldier, a sinner, and some damned hope of his Father, God, or else some example to all others. He was tired of all of it weighing on his shoulders. "I'm tired of giving all I have and never….feeling satisfied with it in the end. There seems to be…nothing that is truly a payment worthy of what we've done, what all we've given. And perhaps this is payment, I don't know…" he paced as he was beginning to ramble. "I'm tired of calling heaven 'home' when it feels nothing of the sort." He looked into Dean's eyes then.
Dean was taking all this in, and as he listened, he worried just where Castiel's mind was going. He remembered, once, that Castiel said he hadn't wanted to go back to heaven. He didn't want to see the damage he'd done, because he believed he'd kill himself over it. Was it finally weighing on him? He stopped before Castiel and put a hand on his shoulder. "Hey… Cas, what…whatever you're feeling, it's just the affect of all this on your mind. Hell, it's probably good you talk about this shit every not and then. But we'll find an answer. We'll find…some way to fix what's wrong; we ain't earning what we deserve for what we've sacrificed? We'll take it."
"…I've found an answer, Dean. I've had this answer…in the back of my mind for some time now…. But I've questioned whether it is truly the best choice. But I'm beginning to think it's the only one."
"Cas…" Dean was worried now. "If this…has anything to do with you…wanting to kill yourself like you..told me about, that won't help a thing. Not a single thing, no matter how promising it seems, it won't-"
"I don't intend to kill myself, Dean, I intend to cut out my grace and fall from heaven." Castiel said, cutting Dean's words short. "That is why I am here… Why I had to come to speak with you."
Dean was confused. It was a relief, and yet, this didn't seem to be any bit of a better choice. "You want to fall? Cas, what good will that do? Your mojo will be all-but gone, you'll be vulnerable..! I'd do my best, man, but I don't… I don't know how long I could protect you from your brothers if they ever wanted to come after you. Why would you want to fall?"
Castiel shook his head, a weak laugh suddenly coming from him, and Dean saw just a glimpse of the Castiel of the future he'd met once. The hippie, drug and sex addicted Castiel who had given up on the world and the good he could still do for it. This angered him. That Castiel had lost hope. He would not allow his friend to lose hope. Dean shoved his shoulder then.
"Cas, I'm not kidding!"
"And neither am I, Dean! You have your hell down here, and I have my own above!" Castiel barked and Dean all-but backed away in surprise. "I have to pay penance for sins it feels I can never make up for! I am still the same soldier, the same tool, the same servant under the higher ranks of my kin, doing the same damned work! I have no shred of an idea why my Father has brought me back again and again—no idea, for what purpose, why I am still here! I feel less like an Angel than ever now, I don't even know who I am anymore!"
Dean watched him, swallowing hard at those words, which he understood all too well.
"Things matter to me, and then they drift away, becoming unimportant. The only constant important single thing I know of anymore is you, Dean… It's you. Through what all I've done, I've done my best to help you… To keep you safe…to see the world the way you do, because it's begun to make more sense to me… You are more like family to me than any of my brothers have ever been, Dean." Castiel's voice was softer then, and Dean as surprised to see just how much emotion was being shown from the Angel. Of course, Castiel has been showing more human tendencies the longer he's been around the Winchesters, but Dean had never seen so much emotion at one time reflected in that face…in those blue eyes that seemed more like stormy waters. "I'm tired….of trying, and dying, only to be brought back to try again… Dean, I'm tired of who I am…"
"Cas, stop right there." Dean began to try and reason with him. "Who you are, is a friend to me; a good friend, who has fucked up like any other. Shit is always gonna suck, but we push through it. Family always does. You ARE family to me. And I'm not letting you give up, man."
"It's my choice, Dean." was Castiel's response, and his voice was stern.
"…Then why the hell are you here, huh?" Dean asked, angry now. "Why the hell would you unload all this to me if you had already decided?"
"Because I need to know if you'd be there to catch me when I fell, Dean." Castiel's eyes were downcast, but he continued to speak. "You are…the only happiness I find in this world anymore, the only thing that makes sense, the only person I can stand by…who makes me feel at home." He looked into Dean's confused eyes. "And all that means too much for me to ignore. All of that cannot be ignored. Naomi will not tell me what I can and cannot feel. If I find sense and purpose at your side, then the bitch can kiss my ass."
"...You spend TOO much time around me…" he said, only able to make fun of his use of profanity. He was still confused.
"I said once our bond was profound." He said then, ignoring the joke. "Our bond is the only one that seems to matter in my mind anymore, in the end. More than anything, I wish I could make up for my sins…against you. I, at times, don't feel I truly did. My attempts to keep you safe from the leviathans wasn't enough, but even that was payment, I just couldn't…"
Dean watched him, his brows knitted as he watched the angel struggle, but he glanced up and noticed that the blur of the scenery was stronger now. He was becoming more confused by that.
"I know how alone you feel, Dean, and I feel it as well." Castiel eyes and words cut Dean deep then. "But I never feel that with you. Can you stand there and tell me that when we have chance to be together, the pain and weight doesn't go away, even for some time…?"
Dean couldn't answer, he only nodded. He tried to speak, but couldn't get the words.
"I realize now, why I am not allowed to be at your side."
"Yeah, why is that?" he was able to speak then, though his voice was weak.
"I love you Dean, and that is not allowed of an angel. It's an emotion I don't know how to handle, and it's a one that leaves me to make choices I could regret, should they grow stronger. Naomi wished to prevent that, that's why she keeps me so busy and away from you."
"…Y-you mean, like a brother? Come on, man, y'all are all kin up there! You have to feel SOME degree of love." Dean said, but he had a feeling he was wrong.
"Dean…you know it's more than that." The angels voice was softer then. "I am not allowed these emotions, while I'm an angel… But I've lost all reason to still be one. I have nothing…nothing tying me to this life anymore, and all but everything pulling me towards yours." Suddenly, the angel was removing his jackets as he back away from Dean a good distance. He tossed them to the ground around them, which seemed to be changing. It was like sand but…almost golden, mist suddenly flowing from the blurry distance and whisping across the ground. It seemed like a mix of milk and honey.
"Cas, what's going on?" Dean asked. Behind the angel, a light seemed to be slowly glowing. It was then, Dean saw it—it was like a long, carving knife, but it seemed as if it was made from the same as the Angel-Blades. He undid his tie, yanking it off and began unbuttoning his shirt. "Cas…!"
Behind the angel, the strange image of wings spread wide from his back, expanding. They were black as they stretched from his back, but it grew dark blue, then lighter until the tips were covered in white. Dean was awestruck at the sight of the wings he'd only had chance to glance shadows of before. It was only with the white tips began the glow, the light behind Castiel glowing brighter, and the sound of his screams brought Dean back to attention.
Castiel had begun carving into his stomach. He moaned, even yelped at the pain, but he didn't stop, didn't hesitate. The light behind him grew bright as the blue/white light shown from his stomach. The light was beginning to consume his wings slowly in white fire, as the white light spread, consuming the scenery completely and leaving it burning in blinding light. Dean covered his eyes, feeling his close burn away, leaving the flowing mist the caress his skin. He looked, nearly blinded and yet not…as the fire left the warning of burns but did not scorch him.
"Cas, stop..!" he yelled.
Castiel hesitated for a moment, huffing from the pain as blood flowed from his wounds and a bit from the edge of his mouth. He looked at Dean then, his eyes glowing a light blue, tears streaming with sweat down his face. "…Be there…when I fall…?" he strained to ask.
"..C-Cas, don't…!" Dean said, almost in denial of what was happening. Let this be a dream, only a dream. But he began moving then. He ran to the angel, trying to stop him as his cries of pain started again along with the carving. The light burned brighter and brighter, pulsing to the sound of the angel's cries.
"CAS!" Dean had finally reached him, but the light blurred his vision and he couldn't stop him in time.
"..D-DEAN!"
The last thing Dean saw as the light faded was the naked angel, arms spread out wide. His wings hand been consumed and only white and black feather floated through the air now. The blue/white light from Castiel's wounds had dissipated into the mist at their feet. Behind Castiel, black mist swarmed.
Dean tried to reach for Castiel, just as the wounded Angel reached for him. The bright blue eyes faded as his eyes shut and he fell. His hands slipped from Dean's at the last second, and before Dean could stop it, Castiel was consumed by the dark mist.
"Damn it, CAS!"
Dean sat up straight in bed, huffing, sweating. His body was warm, as if he'd truly experienced the white fire. He gasped, running his hands through his hair as he tried to collect himself. The pounded of his heart in his ears lessened and that when he realized there was the sounds for car horns and alarms going off.
He jumped out of bed, still dressed, with only his jacket to cover him. He tossed it to the ground and busted through the door. He already heard the mumbles of confusion of the other room inhabitants. They had gather around the streets, where smoke simmered and billowed. He ran to the people, pushing past them. "Get out of the way!"
Lying there on the ground was a man, no longer an angel. He lay there, in only his torn white shirt and black pants, a recent scar torn across his stomach, still slightly bleeding. His arms lay spread out, reminding Dean of his dream. Shatter glass of the street lamps fell around him, reaching out far and scattered across the ground to poetically imitate the wings Dean knew he lost… They shimmered in the light of the night.
"Cas…" he muttered, his voice thick as he kneeled beside him. He pulled Castiel into his arms, the fallen angel lying limp there. "..Cas, come on, you stupid fucker…."
"Should I…c-call an ambulance…?" a woman suggested.
"You should have done that before instead of gawking, damn it!" Dean retorted and the woman backed away, turning and beginning to dial.
"Cas, wake up…Cas!"
Suddenly, he gasped, as if taking his first breaths of life. His eyes flew open and the last remnants of that blue light faded away completely. His eyes darted everywhere, as if in fear. He gripped at Dean's shirt, at his hold upon him.
Dean held him securely. "Cas, it's me. It's Dean, it's alright buddy..!"
"Dean..! D-dean…!" he muttered shakily. "…Who…who is Dean…?" he looked into the hunters eyes then as Dean felt himself go cold. "…Who's Cas…? What…what happened to me..?!"
Dean shook his head only faintly. No, this couldn't be happening. Was it Jimmy…? No, Jimmy knew Cas, this didn't make sense!
"…Who am I?"
