Chapter 1: Fail and Laughing in Irvine, California

I swear to god, I'm going to fucking kill Sonic for this. I woke up this morning, like any other, only to find a metric fuckton of whipped cream all over my goddamn room. I should point out we all have our own room inside Sega of America HQ in Irvine, CA. Mine has a flatscreen TV, a Blu-Ray player, a desk with an Alienware Gaming Desktop on it, an adjustable twin bed, a clock-radio, a minifridge with soda and booze in it, a full-size punching bag hanging from the ceiling, and posters all over the place. Patriots, Red Sox, movies, video games, etc. I have a kindle fire on the bedside table with all my books loaded onto it. It's a nice place. But, Sonic just had to be an asshole.

Found the bastard in the break room shooting the shit with John. Who's John? John Cheng, the President of the company. Needless to say, John had to get in the middle before they had to call the medics. "Metal, think about this. It's just whipped cream." he said to me. Sonic looked like he was about to piss himself. I grumbled, "Then get that little blue jackass and tell him to clean it up." Sonic was already out of the room and halfway done cleaning the mess he lfet by the time I had finished saying that. I went back to my room and ran into Sonic in the hallway. "I'm really sorry, I didn't know you'd get that angry", he said. "It's fine, just don't fuck with my room or my stuff ever again." I replied with a hint of exasperation. I opened the closet and took out my outfit for the day. I got dressed, as always, and made my way down to the break room. I wanted a cup of coffee. Badly.

With a bit of caffeine in my system, I began my day. Posted a note on the office bulletin board about someone stealing from the stash of beer and tequila I had in the break room fridge. Made it clear I'd throw whomever it was off the damn roof. Prank called Sega of Japan with a really offensive accent, pretending to be a retarded Kim Jong-Un. "Herro! I am Kim Jong-Unfuckable! I r grorious reader! I SO RONREY! I HAZ PORICE COME AND LAPE YO MUDDA!" I can be a bastard when I want to be. Hey, Japan and North Korea are Enemies, so I made a racist joke at North Korea's expense. After that, I elected to play some Postal 2. Broke my 3000 kill record, finally. By then, it was lunchtime.

Made myself a bowl of instant ramen, Sonic had chili dogs, again. Seriously, he may as well have sex with them, he loves those damn things that much. I like chili as much as the next guy, but I hate hot dogs. No idea why, I just do. So, we're in the break room, around noon on a summer afternoon, and Sonic suggests, "Let's race to Seattle and back." My response was quick and snappy "Let's just throw you into the ocean and see if you float." Sonic is my best friend, but the guy needs to slow the fuck down a little. I, instead, suggested, "How about we watch A Good Day to Die Hard and enjoy a quiet afternoon, hmm?" After that morning's incident, Sonic was more than happy to agree.