Breakeven
Disclaimer - Emmerdale & its characters do not belong to me, they belong to ITV
A/N - Thanks for all the reviews! Keem 'em coming!
He knows better but
He can't help it
Wanna tell him
But would that be selfish
How do you heal
A heart that can't feel, it's broken
His love is all he knows, all he knows, all he knows
His love is all he knows, all he knows, all he knows
- Bruno Mars
Jackson was between jobs and at a loose end. He could sit around the house, moping. Well, not moping exactly, he'd be more likely to stand in the kitchen and stare at the garage all day. He had been doing that a lot lately, staring at him. God he missed him, he annoyed the hell out of him but he missed him.
He was currently standing in his kitchen, staring at the garage with a coffee in his hand but he wasn't staring at Aaron, no, he was looking for Chuck but apparently Aaron had left him at Smithy again. With his mind made up Jackson poured the rest of his coffee down the drain and headed towards Smithy to see his dog. He needed to see him, he missed that damn dog as much and if not more than he missed Aaron.
For the first time in a long time Jackson knocked on the door to Smithy, he never knocked but he wasn't with Aaron anymore and he felt as if he had to. The door opens a few seconds later with a confused Paddy standing behind it. He looks at Jackson then at the door "it wasn't locked" he says stepping aside, gesturing for Jackson to come in "Why did you knock?"
Jackson slid his hands into his jean pockets and shrugged his shoulders "Uh…thought I should"
Paddy shook his head "You never have to knock, you know that"
Jackson smiled sheepishly "sorry" he says and Paddy nods "don't do it again" Jackson laughs "I won't" he promises. Like Aaron Jackson had come to see Paddy somewhat as a Father figure, he loved the man, a lot and didn't want his relationship with Paddy to change just because his relationship with Aaron had changed.
"What can I do for you? Aaron's at the garage"
"Oh I know" Jackson informs him "I'm here to take Chuck off your hands, I'm not at work, thought I'd take him for a run"
"Oh right" Paddy says, nodding but Jackson can see he looks a little apprehensive "I'll bring him back" he promises knowing that Paddy's look is related to how Aaron will react.
Paddy shakes his head "Of course you will! Chuck!" he yells and a few seconds later the sound of paw steps could be heard coming from the other room.
The dog walks into the room and as soon as he spots Jackson he bounds towards him, jumping up and wagging his tail.
"Someone's happy to see you" Paddy says with a smile on his face and Jackson has to push the dog down off of him "Yeah, tell me about it" Jackson says petting the dog and trying to calm him "got his lead?"
Paddy looks around the room "Oh there it is!" he exclaims plugging it off the hook by the door. Jackson takes it from him and attaches it to Chuck's collar.
Saying his Goodbyes to Paddy Jackson walked out of Smithy and headed straight towards the river and the acres of empty fields that Chuck loved to roam. He wasn't sure how long he had been walking before he came across the cricket pavilion. It was empty so he sat down on the bench outside. Chuck was still roaming around with his ball and Jackson was happy to let him, he wasn't going to run away.
After five minutes of playing on the field Chuck was bored of playing by himself and headed for Jackson. Standing in front of Jackson he drops the ball at his feet.
"What do you want?" Jackson asks picking up the ball "you wanna play" Chuck stands in front of him wagging his tail and Jackson laughs "maybe in a bit" he promises the dog "I'm knackered"
Chuck lays his head onto Jackson's thighs and Jackson runs his hand through his hair, petting him, comforting not only himself but the dog too.
"I miss him" Jackson starts "I really do and I know he misses me" Chuck pulls a face, Jackson is talking but he can't quite make out just what he's saying. "Look at me" he laughs "talking to a dog" he sighs "but you're the only one I can talk to aren't ya?" Jackson asks him "at least I know you won't tell him what I say to you" Chuck whines a little, he doesn't want to sit, he wants to play.
"But it's for the best, right?" he asks looking at Chuck as if he's waiting on him answering "Seven years and that's it. Done"
Jackson found sitting on a bench at the cricket pavilion talking to his dog rather relaxing. He told that dog things he'd been dying to say to someone but couldn't. He told him about how much he missed Aaron and how he wanted to take him back but he wasn't going to because he didn't want to end up in the same position in two or three years time.
He told Chuck that he missed him and that sooner or later he'd have to stop seeing him because things between him and Aaron would change. It was only when Chuck pulled away and started pulling on Jackson's jeans that he finally shut up and focused on the dog once more.
"Sorry boy!" he exclaims pushing himself to his feet "Been neglecting you, haven't i?" with that Jackson throws the ball as far as he can for Chuck to fetch.
Aaron had finished work early was going home, well back to Smithy. It didn't feel like home anymore but he was headed back there any way, he was going to take Chuck out for a bit. Walking Chuck gave him time to think, away from distractions.
Inside Smithy Aaron called on his dog but he couldn't hear anything. Silence reined, his eyebrows pulled together in confusion. Where the hell was his dog? Aaron headed into the surgery to see if he was hanging around there but he couldn't see him instead he found Rhona.
"Seen Chuck?"
Rhona shook her head "Oh right" Aaron says turning around to walk away but Rhona's voice stops him "I know where he is though"
Aaron turns back to her but she just stares at him "You gonna tell me?" he finally snaps.
She pulls a face and says "Jackson took him out"
"Jackson?"
"Yes Jackson" Rhona says "did I stutter?"
Aaron scowls "When?" he demands. What the hell did Jackson think he was playing at?
Rhona shrugs "a few hours ago" she says and Aaron is storming out of the surgery door. He's pissed. What was Jackson doing taking him without telling him? Where had he taken him? And he better not think he's keeping him.
Outside Smithy Aaron checks to see if Jackson's van is still outside the house, it is. So he's obviously not run away with the dog. Aaron heads towards the fields. Jackson is on his way back towards the village when he spots a figure walking towards them. He knows who its, he'd know that silhouette anywhere, day or night.
Jackson sighed. He wasn't in the mood for this and he could tell by the way Aaron was marching that he was annoyed but Jackson didn't want a fight.
Aaron called on the dog and he looked at Jackson, as if asking if he was allowed to go. Jackson nodded and said "Go" and Chuck ran as fast as he could towards Aaron.
Jackson continued towards Aaron, he wasn't in the mood for an argument but he was prepared for one. With less than six feet between them Jackson starts talking "What you doing here?"
Aaron's about to say something nasty, he's about to be sarcastic but looking at Jackson he looks wary and he changes his mind.
"Thought I'd join you" Aaron decides on saying and he can see the surprise on Jackson's face
"Really?" Jackson asks, not really convinced "really" Aaron confirms
"Why?" Jackson asks
"Nowt better to do"
Jackson rolls his eyes "thanks for that"
Aaron smirks "did you want me to lie?"
"You're already lying" Jackson says and Aaron pulls a face "what you on about?"
"You didn't come here to join me, you came here to bitch about me taking him" he points at the dog, who is standing in-between them "what changed?"
Aaron shrugs. Jackson has him. He has him because he knows him better than anyone "Just changed my mind"
"Why?" Jackson pushed, Aaron didn't just change his mind for no reason and especially not when it involved an argument.
Aaron shrugs "cause you look depressed" he tells him, a sheepish smile on his face "didn't want to make you feel worse"
Jackson smiles a little at that "thanks" he says with a small laugh.
After a few minutes of silence and Jackson looking anywhere but at him Aaron speaks again "what's wrong with you?"
Jackson quickly shakes his head "Nothing" he informs him "bad day" Aaron looks at Chuck "did your walk help any?"
Jackson looks at Chuck too "he always cheers me up"
Aaron scoffs and Jackson looks at him, he doesn't say anything but Jackson can tell he's thinking I could to or what? I couldn't but he doesn't say anything and nor does Jackson.
"Well" Jackson says breaking the silence "I was on my way back to the village"
"Oh" Aaron says, he was hoping to spend some time with him but obviously that wasn't about to happen "mind if I walk with you?"
"Promise to keep your hands to yourself?" Jackson teases with a grin and Aaron smirks back "I think I'll manage to control myself"
"Alright" Jackson says with his grin still in place and they head back towards the village. They're walking side by side, close enough for it to be comfortable but not too close. Aaron wanted to be closer, he wanted to reach out and take his hand or something but he didn't. He promised to keep his hands to himself and that's what he's going to do.
"How's the van?" Aaron asks as they head back to the village, he has to make small talk because the silence would kill him and he'd end up doing something he would regret, like grabbing him and kissing him or starting an argument about their split, again.
"It's alright; got this mechanic I know to look at it"
"Oh yeah?" Aaron asks
"Yeah"
"Any good this mechanic?" Aaron asks, a smile playing on his lips
Jackson shrugs "He's alright"
They're flirting. They both know it but they can't quite bring themselves to care. It's been weeks since they flirted with each other, it's been weeks since they touched each other and how they ache too.
"Just alright?" Aaron asks, pulling a face "surely he's better than that?"
Jackson's head tilts to the side "He has his moments" he retorts with a smile and Aaron can't help but smile too. They're getting closer to the village, to Smithy and Aaron knows Jackson is going to walk away.
They've stopped, in the middle of the field, just in front of Smithy but still a fair bit away and they're moving towards each other, slowly.
Aaron's gaze flicks between Jackson's eyes and his mouth, he's going to kiss him and he's not hiding it. He's giving Jackson every change to pull away but he isn't and as always, when things are going right for them something always goes wrong and Jackson's phone goes off, ruining the moment.
Jackson quickly pulls away, putting space between them as he answers his phone. He walks a few steps in front of Aaron and heads back to the village.
"Damn it!" Aaron swears out loud, he was just getting somewhere "Chuck!" he yells on the dog who has ran to the other side of the field and he follows Jackson.
While following Jackson back to the village it became increasingly hard not to listen to his conversation. He was arranging to go out and Aaron felt as if his heart has dropped into his stomach. He was a free agent now, he could go out and guys could hit on him and there was nothing he could do about it. Jackson could go home with them if he wanted, back to his home, their home and their bed. He hated it.
Jackson ends his call and stops until Aaron catches up with him "Who was that?" Aaron asks
"A mate"
"Who?"
Jackson's eyebrows pull together "nowt to do with you anymore, remember?"
Aaron's face hardens and he snatches the lead from Jackson's back pocket "Go to hell"
Jackson didn't want to be so mean but he had to be, that near kiss got to him more than it should. He should never have let that almost happen. He's meant to be moving on, finding someone else. Ok, so the chances of him finding someone he loved as much as Aaron are pretty slim but he didn't need to fall in love, he needed to forget.
"Oh yeah, there you go, run away" Jackson shook his head "it's what you do best"
Aaron stopped a few feet in front of him "at least I'm not the one going around kissing other guys while I have a boyfriend!"
With that said Aaron storms away and into Smithy. He knows he shouldn't have said it. It wasn't what happened, he knows that, now. That guy had kissed Jackson and Jackson had pushed him away but that had already set his mind into over drive and set his insecurities soaring, could Jackson be cheating? He had wondered way back then and the day he came home to find that guy in his kitchen in just his boxers, well…he lost it.
Jackson watches as the door to Smithy closes, he can't believe what Aaron has just said to him. Aaron knows he didn't kiss anyone else, he wouldn't, he couldn't he was far too in love with him to think about touching someone else, even now but Jackson knew he had to.
Pulling his mobile out his pocket he called his friend back, he had been arranging to go out when they called earlier but at the end of the phone call Jackson had opted out of it but only when he was sure Aaron couldn't hear but now, he was going.
"You still going out?" he asked when his friend answered "yeah, I'm coming. No…Just me, we're finished"
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