Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize…
A/N: Thank you for all the awesome reviews. Honestly, I feel awful for torturing everyone with this story and I'm grateful that you guys still come back for more. Sorry for all the heartbreaks.
No beta was harmed in the making of this fic so all mistakes are mine.
Tell me what you think!
Steve tied JD's shoelaces — of course the little boy could do it himself, but there were some things that Steve just wasn't ready to let go of yet — and smiled at him.
"Did you tell Santa what you wanted?" he asked.
"Yes." JD rolled his eyes, looking exactly like Kono when she'd found him extra annoying. "But don't you think it would be more productive if I told you and Mom what I want?"
Steve studied his six-year-old son's face for a minute, weighing his options.
"You can't visit Uncle Danny anymore," he said with a scowl. He was certain that Danny'd voiced his opinion about Steve's recent behavior - to Kono or Chin or basically anyone who'd been willing to listen - in front of the kids.
"Right," JD said knowingly, giving Steve a lopsided grin that was almost identical to his own.
Steve stood up and ruffled JD's hair, his eyes falling on his daughter who was sitting on Santa's lap.
"I don't need any more toys," Lia was explaining. "I just want my Daddy to come home for Christmas."
Steve's eyes widened as Santa just nodded, not saying anything.
"How about a new doll?" Santa asked. Steve could hear the hint of desperation in his voice. Poor guy.
"Just my Daddy." Lia shook her head stubbornly, crossing her little arms over her chest. "I want him to sleep in the same house as me again."
Knowing his daughter perfectly, Steve chose to make a pre-emptive strike so he moved quickly and pulled Lia from Santa's lap.
"Good job, sweetheart," he said softly, as he held Lia's backpack out for her.
"Santa always brings you what you want, right, Daddy?" she asked as she put her arms through the straps.
Steve cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. He'd walked right into that one. Lia had asked the same question on the way to the mall, and Steve had assured her that yes, Santa always brings you what you want. He sure as hell couldn't change that answer now.
"I thought you were bringing us home," JD said as Steve took a left when they reached the main street. He had to force himself not to point out that his place was their home, too.
"I am," he glanced at his son. "I just have to stop by the apartment to pick some things up."
Okay, so even he couldn't call it home.
.
.
Kono knew something was up the second the kids walked into the house. Lia was grinning from ear to ear, and JD had a tense look on his face.
"What's going on?" she asked.
JD's eyes widened as he shook his head to indicate that he wouldn't be answering the question. Kono's eyes flew to Steve's as he walked into the kitchen, closing the door behind him. The first thing she noticed was the duffel over his shoulder.
"What's the bag for?" she asked sharply.
"Okay, SEAL Team 3," Steve turned towards JD and Lia. "Go put your backpacks down and wash your hands."
Both kids saluted with huge grins on their faces and flew from the room, JD first with Lia hot on his heels.
"Why do you have your duffel bag?" Kono asked, her eyes narrowing.
"Because I'm going…here," he told her firmly, widening his stance and crossing his arms over his chest. He was ready for any kind of battle.
"Excuse me?" Kono gripped the edge of the counter to prevent herself from pulling her gun on him.
"I'm spending Christmas with you and the kids,"
She turned back to the counter and used the dishcloth in her hand to wipe it down just to had something to do with her hands other than reaching for the nearest knife.
"Funny. I don't remember inviting you," she muttered. She sighed as she threw the cloth down onto the counter and turned back around. She crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back against the counter. "You left, Steve. Remember that?"
"Yes, I remember that." He said and went silent for a few moments. "Mary Ann is flying in tomorrow and she's gonna be staying here with you and the kids."
"Yes. Because I invited her," Kono said pointedly. She shook her head. "You're not staying here, Steve. You're not coming and going as you please. It's gonna be too confusing for the kids."
"Keiki…"
"Kono," she said firmly. "My name…is Kono."
He sighed as he dropped his bag by the door.
"Kono, I just watched Lia sit on Santa's lap and tell him that she didn't want any toys."
"She wants a surfboard," she told him, as if that solved everything.
"Well that's not what she told Santa."
"Well…what did she tell Santa?" she asked curiously.
"She told Santa that she wanted me to be home for Christmas," Steve said quietly, his impassive mask slipping slightly as he run a hand down his face tiredly. "Sleeping in the same house. And that was after I told her that Santa always brings you what you want. I don't want Lia finding out that Santa isn't real like this,"
Kono stood there silently for a minute studying his face, and then sighed heavily. It was clear that Steve was homesick and hurting over something awful; she could see it in his eyes. She desperately wanted to hear the reasons but she'd learned a long time ago that Steve wouldn't talk if he wasn't ready.
"You're sleeping on the couch," she said as she spun on her heel and walked out of the kitchen.
.
.
Kono pulled a piece of tape off the roll and put it on the spot where the wrapping paper overlapped. She looked up at the knock on the door.
"Come in," she called. The kids had gone to bed a few hours ago, and she'd just checked on them; they were fast asleep.
The door to the bedroom opened and Steve walked in.
"Hey," he stopped in the doorway.
"Hey," she said without looking up.
"Want some help?" he asked as he closed the door behind him.
"Sure," she shrugged.
Steve walked over, pulled a piece of tape off the roll and handed it to his wife. She took it from him and put it on the package.
She concentrated on making the wrapping perfect, using it as a reason to not look at him. This was the first time Steve had been in their bedroom in more than two months. She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes, and turned around, making her way into the bathroom. She closed the door behind her and turned the water on, then leaned against the closed door and forced herself to take deep breaths. She hated that when she got angry, she cried. She wished she was a yeller instead.
And she was angry at Steve. He still hadn't told her what had happened for him to pull away from her. And she was tired of asking. He'd left, forever changing their lives and those of their children. Even if he did decide to tell her, she wasn't sure at this point that she'd be able to forgive him. Things were never going to be the same again.
After regaining her composure, she walked back into the bedroom where Steve had started wrapping the model aircraft carrier she'd bought for JD.
"You OK?" he looked up at her, worry clear in his eyes.
"Just tired," She cleared her throat, shaking her head. "I think I'm gonna go to bed."
"Sure." He nodded. "Just let me finish this up."
She went to her dresser to get a sleep shirt, trying to avoid any of his old Navy sleeveless one she'd always wore before he moved out, then went back into the bathroom to put it on. When she came out, Steve was gone and after turning the light out, she crawled into the king sized bed. Alone.
.
.
"Mommy?" A tiny voice woke her up.
Kono lifted her head up off the pillow and opened her eyes, squinting to see the clock. It was 3 a.m. She sat up.
"What's wrong, baby?" she asked as she rubbed her eyes.
"Can I sleep with you?" Lia asked hugging the stuffed pineapple Steve had gotten her just after he'd left to her chest tightly.
Kono yawned as she nodded. She usually didn't let the kids crawl into bed with her; it was a bad habit to get into. It was something she and Steve had never done as they'd designated the kids sleeping time as their alone time. But it couldn't hurt to let Lia sleep with her just this once.
"Sure, baby," she lifted the covers for her daughter.
"She said it's okay, JD!" Lia yelled over her shoulder.
She turned back around and ran at top speed for her mother's bed. When she reached it, she jumped up and crawled under the covers next to her.
JD walked in and casually headed for the bed as if it was no big deal, but she knew better. She grinned as he climbed onto the bed on her other side and hugged him to her.
"Hard time sleeping, sailor?" she asked as she released him.
"Why isn't Dad sleeping with you?" he asked, looking around the room confusedly.
"He's sleeping on the couch," Kono told him, not sure how to explain it.
She looked over at Lia, and her eyes were already closed, her thumb in her mouth and Danno, the pineapple securely against her chest, then back at JD. It was so hard with him, as he tried to make sense of everything, and Kono couldn't imagine how hard this must be for him as she couldn't even make sense of it herself.
"Come here, baby SEAL," she said, lying down.
She pulled her son against her and wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on the top of his head. He wasn't like Lia; he never asked to be held and never willingly cuddled with her or jumped into her lap anymore. It was something she had to initiate if she wanted to show her son affection.
"Are you still mad at Dad?" he asked in a small voice.
Jesus Christ, Kono thought. When was this going to stop? There were only so many ways she could explain things. She took a deep breath as she reminded herself that the questions always increased right after they saw their dad.
"I'm not mad at Dad, JD," she told him. "I'm confused…just like you are."
"Why are you confused?" he asked, ever curious.
Your father isn't big on words flew into her mind, but she would never say that to JD or in front of him. Whatever the hell was going on with her husband she'd never ruin his hero status in their children's eyes.
"I don't know." She shook her head. "I just am."
"Will we ever be unconfused?" he looked up at her hopefully.
"I hope so," Kono laughed softly.
But she had her doubts. At this point, she may never know why Steve had left.
.
.
Steve had been tossing and turning for hours, ever since he'd lain down. He hadn't gotten a wink of sleep. The thought of Kono upstairs alone in their bed was driving him crazy. And not because he wanted to be there with her, although he wasn't opposed to that. The thought, that it was just her and the kids in the house now was wreaking havoc with him. He didn't like it at all. He'd never thought about it much when he'd been at his office all night; he'd had work to occupy his mind. But the thought of his family alone - being a family without him - it was more than he could take.
He felt a probing on his hand and sat up.
"Hey, Koa," he greeted their dog quietly.
The Doberman looked up at him with his big brown eyes and made a small noise at the back of his throat.
"Wanna go out?" Steve asked, standing up and patting the dog on the head. Koa danced in a circle on his way to the back door, and Steve opened it for him, letting him out. He headed for the stairs to check on the kids. Old habits'd died hard.
JD's room was at the top of the stairs and Steve was surprised to find it empty. He moved to Lia' room and found it vacant, too. He walked across the hall to the doorway of his former bedroom with his wife, and found the three of them fast asleep in the big king-sized bed.
This was new.
He wondered what else had changed in the last few months.
He smiled tenderly at the sight. Kono was in the middle, her left arm slung out beside her with JD's head resting on it. He suspected it would be damp with his eldest's drool by morning. On her other side, Lia was lying vertically to her, her shoulder driving into her hip bone. Steve moved quietly into the room and moved Lia so her head was on the pillow and proceeded to cover them all up. He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his daughter's head, then reached over Kono to brush JD's bangs out of his face. He'd have to take the boy to get a haircut tomorrow.
He straightened, surprised by the desperate urge to be part of his own family. Steve had never felt so isolated in his entire life.
As he soundlessly left the room he couldn't help but wonder if there was a way back or he'd ruined the only precious thing he'd ever had.
He felt like the biggest idiot in the world.
