Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! Your lovely words are inspiring me like crazy!
Musketeer12: Thank you for the suggestion! I'll be sure to work it in somewhere!
Oh, and a little warning...this chapter is pretty angsty and there's a chance that you'll cry(I almost did while writing it). Try not to hate on Arno too much, some things aren't as they may seem.
Douleur
(Pain)
You hate her.
There was no other word to describe the boiling in the pit of your stomach as you watch the woman touch Arno's arm, her eyes fluttering flirtatiously as she giggled at every sentence he spoke.
Worst of all, he didn't pull away from her affections and it felt as if a knife was slowly embedding itself into your heart.
You were sitting in the dining hall amongst your fellow brothers. Breakfast had been served, a bowl full of honey and oats, a usual favourite of yours but once her face appeared, you quickly lost your appetite.
Arno wasn't sitting with you; you tried your hardest to act casual with each other while your brothers were present. Usually it didn't bother you because it was just a show for the others but today you couldn't help but wonder if he kept his distance from you so he could be around her.
Okay, yes, you were jealous. It wasn't a emotion you liked but, as much as you hated to admit, she was gorgeous and she held every man's attention.
Antoinette was her name, and she was one of the most popular courtesans who lived in The Gardens next door. The Gardens took in women, helped them embrace their sexual needs and showed them how to pleasure and seduce a man. They often helped out the brotherhood when needed, in both missions and satisfying a brother when he needed relief.
In return, they were under the protection of the creed which meant you couldn't go over and punch her in the face for touching your man...not that he was your man; you had no say over what he did. You were just a dirty little secret.
You play with your oats using your spoon as you try your hardest not to glance over at them again. You'd never known Arno to fall into the arms of the courtesans before but you figure that there was a first time for everything.
Antoinette visited the creed often when she wasn't bedding anyone, and every time she seemed to favour Arno over the other members. You'd never felt threatened by her before(jealous yes, not threatened) but this time was different because Arno didn't seem to be turning down her advances like he usually did.
Not that he was encouraging them...whilst she used every excuse to touch him, he never once touched her back. So he wasn't encouraging her, but he wasn't stopping her either.
"If your face goes any more green, I'm worried you'll turn into a frog, petit oiseau(little bird)." Adrian's amused voice made you glance up. He was sitting opposite you, one arm resting on the table, sleeved rolled up to his elbow while the other one held his spoon which sat in his bowl.
Adrian was one of the assassins you consider a friend. He wore a white shirt with a sandy-coloured sleeveless robe on top. His chosen weapon was an axe, and he always sported a five-o-clock shadow.
Women swoon over him, and you could see why; he was a very handsome man, charming too with a smooth voice and toned body. If Arno didn't hold your heart, you could easily have fallen for Adrian.
"I'm not green." you mumble under your breath. It was the only response you could think of; his observation startled you slightly since you hadn't realised that your feelings were so obvious.
"Uh-huh," he spoke unconvinced. "You know he wouldn't do anything. Do not worry yourself so much."
His words helped but you try not to show it. You couldn't let him know that you cared what Arno did; your relationship was still a secret. "I don't know what you mean."
His eyes seem to sparkle. "Oh, really? Why don't you accompany on my next contract then? It's estimated to last a month or two, it'll be like a vacation. Of course, that's only if there's nothing to keep you here..."
You narrow your eyes at him, wondering just how long he'd been observing your behaviour. Before Arno transferred to your brotherhood, you'd often go on long contracts because you loved the adventure, but once you and Arno started your thing, you avoided any mission which extended beyond a week. It was too painful not seeing Arno for longer than that.
And apparently Adrian had noticed.
You bite your tongue as you thought about his offer. Your first instinct was to turn him down, knowing it would kill you to not see Arno for such a long time but as soon as you thought of Arno, you remember how he was sitting a few tables away from you, letting that whore hang all over him. It made you want to accept Adrian's offer; if Arno could hurt you, you could hurt him right back.
But...technically Arno hadn't done anything wrong, and you didn't want him to think that you were a child having a tantrum over his behaviour. Arno already thought you were young, which was where the 'petit oiseau(little bird)' nickname came from. He'd started calling you it when you first met him, and then the others caught onto it and now it was used more than your actual name.
"I...I'll think about it." you answer after you consider your thoughts. You want to wait until you could get Arno alone and discuss with him how uncomfortable it made you, and depending on the result, you'd find your final decision.
Adrian looks delightfully surprised. "Really? I honestly believed that you'd turn me down. Not that I'm complaining. If we can get a few weeks alone, I can try to 'woo' you without him being around to distract you." he finishes with a breathtaking smirk.
You roll your eyes as your cheeks begin to turn red. You never had gotten used to Adrian's flirting, no matter how harmless it was. "Shut up."
He laughs loudly and reaches over to pat your hand.
You smile before glancing over at Arno, and once again your heart feels like it's slowly breaking into pieces. Antoinette was sitting closer to him now, her elbow resting on the table with her body fully turned towards him. Her breasts were practically falling out of her dress and her hand was still on his bloody arm. You really didn't like how close they were getting.
You feel sick and turn back around with a sad sigh.
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Your fingerless gloves protect your knuckles as you land punch after punch onto the dummy stuffed with hay. It had been a whole day since you'd seen Arno, which was in the dining hall as Antoinette flirted with him.
You were avoiding him. Your decision to talk to him wasn't as easy as you thought it would be. What were you meant to say?
Can you please stop talking to her? No, too much like a controlling girlfriend.
If she touches you, don't just sit there, tell her to fuck off! You like the sound of that one, but you knew Arno wouldn't. He would never disrespect a lady. Damn him and his morals.
Tell me you're not going to sleep with her. Too pathetic and needy. Plus, you had no right to demand he didn't sleep with her; you had no label other than friend and fellow assassin.
Can you not do it in front of me? Or even better, not at all? You're breaking my heart here. Yeah...you really doubt you'd be able to get the words out before you become a blubbering mess. So that was a no.
As your fists continue to meet the dummy, you imagine Antoinette in it's place. Stupid Antoinette with her stupid good looks and stupid curves and stupid giggle and stupid hair and stupid-
"You know, I truly don't believe anyone can look as beautiful as you do when you're angry." Arno spoke softly, making his presence known.
You jump, as does your heart, and you place an hand on the dummy to steady yourself. It was then you realise how heavily you were breathing. "Arno." you greet casually, glancing over to the wall which he was leaning back against, his arms folded as he watches you closely.
Your heart clenches in your chest as the sight of him and your gaze turns to the floor before you look away completely.
"You're upset." he states obviously.
You swallow thickly before turning around and heading over to table which you had rested your robe onto. "I'm fine." you deny, although you're not really sure why. Maybe you wasn't ready for this conversation, or you weren't really sure you had a reason to be upset to begin with.
Or maybe it was both.
He frowns behind you, although you do not see it with your back turned to him. "You've been avoiding me. I waited for you on our tower last night, but you never showed up."
You could tell by the tone of his voice that he was hurt by your actions and for a moment, you felt heavy with guilt before you remind yourself that he allowed Antoinette to hang all over him and had the situations been reversed, you were sure he would have done the same thing.
Actual, no, he was too much of a gentleman. He probably would have met you just to say that he wasn't going to meet you.
Your tower was the tallest of the brotherhood hideout, and overlooked the city. It was the place where you and Arno first slept together, and since then, it had become a route for you two to meet there, to both make love and spend time away from seeing eyes.
A vision of him and Antoinette together in the dining hall resurfaced in your mind; the way her breasts pushed up against his arm and the way he smiled as if it was no big deal. You were angry, jealous and hurt, and you found yourself unforgiving.
Before you could convince yourself to bite your tongue, you respond to him coldly. "Really? I thought you'd be up there with Antoinette, and I didn't want to disturb you." as you spoke, you slip your arm into the sleeve of your robe before repeating the action with your other arm.
You hear him sigh and for a moment, you wonder if he knew exactly what had upset you and if he'd been expecting you to bring it up.
"You should know there is nothing beyond friendship between me and Antoinette." he tries to reassure you but all you can think about is the way her name sounds as it passes his lips.
You laugh bitterly as you turn around and face him, noticing how he'd pulled himself away from the wall and now stood a few feet in front of you. "Like friendship friendship, or me and you 'friendship'?"
He frowns. "I believed you and I to be more than just friends."
For a moment your heart melts at him acknowledging the fact that you're more than a friend to him but it wasn't enough. You were still hurt, although you didn't think it was so much to do with Arno and Antoinette anymore.
"But we're not, are we?" you respond sadly as tears sting your eyes. "We can never be more."
And there it was; the underlining problem.
It was then you realised the true reason behind your feelings and behaviour.
Seeing Arno and Antoinette together brought out your biggest insecurity and made you you realise that one day, you will lose him to another woman; one he can actually be with, marry, have children with and not have to worry about the consequences.
Your being with him was borrowed time; time that could run out any day now. All it took was a woman outside of the creed, a women like Antoinette, and you would be forgotten about. A woman of his past who he'd once shared a bed with.
You would be a distant memory.
Arno swallows thickly, looking as if your words had just punched him in the face. "I...I don't understand what you're trying to say to me, mon ange(my angel)." you heart skips at the pet name as he continues. "Do...do you not want this...anymore?" he questions slowly, his voice strained.
Did you? Yes, of course of you did. More than you could ever express.
The problem was you knew it would be over at some point.
Your head and heart were at a battle with each other. Your heart told you to stay, to be with him for as long as he would have you while your head told you it was better to get out now; leave while it was your decision and give yourself time to get over him before he finds the woman he wants to marry.
You felt a headache coming on and your vision blurs with tears. "I don't know." you whisper to him, the words seeming to echo over and over.
His expression drops before he quickly covers it with a cold mask. "I see." he responds with a surprisingly steady voice. Two beats pass and then he was turning around, his back facing you as he leaves the training area and you behind with it.
You choke on a sob as you crumble to the ground and let the tears fall.
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Another day passed, giving you more time to think over the complicated situation.
And you had come to your conclusion; you wanted to be with him, whether it was for a day, a week, or a year. You knew it wouldn't last forever but you also knew that if you walked away, you would always regret not having him while you had the chance.
For now, he would be yours, because tomorrow he might not be.
Unfortunately you couldn't seem to find a moment alone with him. During breakfast, he was with her again, and then he spent the afternoon training some of the new apprentices.
In a few months time, the apprentices would go one-to-one against each other with the Master watching and observing for special skills and potential. It was how assassins were recruited, and each master assassin took turns training them, showing them different techniques, ways to move, defend and fight.
You had done your own training with them last week and found it was rather enjoyable. They were a good class and eager to learn. They also hadn't put you down or disrespected you for being a female, something many young apprentices seemed to do.
Since the class was a fun one, you hoped the Arno would also have enjoyed it which would mean his mood would be a good one.
You leant against the wall outside of the training grounds, waiting for the class to finish as you went over in your head what you wanted to say to Arno. Before you knew it, the apprentices were walking past you, signalling the end of the class.
You smile at the few who notice you and soon they were out of sight. It took a few more moments before Arno exited, and when he did, he spotted you immediately.
His eyes widen in surprise for a moment, his robe folded over his arm as he took you in. He says your name in greeting with a small tilt of his head.
"Arno." you greet back, feeling nervous as hell all of a sudden. "How are you?" you question, figuring that it was a good place to start.
He cracks a small smile at you and speaks with a quiet sigh. "Tired. How about you, petit oiseau(little bird)?"
You briefly wonder if he was tired from the class or whether it was because he'd been up all night like you had been. "I'm okay." you say before biting your lip. You had no idea where to start. Everything you'd prepared to say seemed to disappear now you were in front of him.
It was silent for a moment as you try desperately to gather your thoughts. You let go of your lip and take a deep breath. "Arno, there's something I-"
"Oh, Arno, I'm not late, am I?"
You grit you teeth, your shoulders dropping in defeat as Antoinette's feminine voice cuts you off. She struts over, purposely swaying her hips before she comes to a stop beside you. You want to rip her perfect lips off when she smiles at him.
Bitch.
Arno swallows thickly, almost nervously, as he glances between you and her. You narrow your eyes at him, a feeling of dread heavy in your stomach as you try to figure out the reason behind his strange behaviour.
Oh god...he didn't sleep with her, did he? Was your first thought, causing your throat to tighten painfully as tears threaten to surface.
"Antoinette." he greets and once again, you hate the way it sounds on his lips.
There was a awkward silence and you continue to stare at Arno. Antoinette glances between you and him, and she must have sensed the tension.
"Am I interrupting something?" she questions slowly.
Arno clears his throat before smiling politely. He tilts his head at you, although his eyes continue to avoid yours. "You were saying, petit oiseau(little bird)?"
You wonder if he's trying to soften you with the nickname.
Cautiously, you tell him: "I need to talk to you about...something." you trail off slightly, hoping he'll understand what it is you want to talk about without Antoinette catching on. "Would you like to accompany me to an early souper(supper)?"
There. You made the first move.
Your lip ends up between your teeth once more. You feel vulnerable, knowing he could turn you down and your feelings would be crushed. Right now, he had your heart in his hands; more so than usual.
His eyes finally meet yours, and you knew he was going to turn you down before he even moves his lips. His expression was sad and guilty, and when he opens his mouth to reply, you will yourself to stop the tears before they could form.
"I'm sorry, petit oiseau(little bird)," he tells you softly, and you really believe he means it until he continues. "But I'm afraid I have other plans." he reveals, shifting uncomfortable on his feet.
For a moment you feel relief. He has other plans which means he could be be joining a few brothers for a drink down the local pub, and he wasn't rejecting your offer to make amends with him like you'd feared.
But then the words Antoinette spoke come back to you("Oh, Arno, I'm not late, am I?"), and you remember the uncomfortable look in Arno's eye when she approached.
Oh.
He had made plans...with Antoinette.
Your mouth fell open, forming a circle as you barely whisper a small. "Oh." your heart aches desperately, having been crushed by his words.
You feel silly. You always knew this day would come; the day he moved on from you and him but nothing could have prepared you for the pain it caused.
Once again Antoinette glances between you. You felt Arno's gaze upon you, saw the guilt in his eyes before you turned your eyes to the ground. You were trying to will the tears to stop, not wanting either of them to see your hurt.
You took a deep breath and was about to make your exit when Antoinette spoke up.
"You two aren't..." she trails off suggestively.
You can't help it; you look up at Arno, wanting to see his response.
His eyes gaze sadly into yours. "We're nothing more than friends." he swallows visibly. "Isn't that right, petit oiseau(little bird)?"
You knew he didn't say it to hurt you but, boy, did it hurt hearing your words thrown back in your face. It was then you realise just how much you'd hurt him without meaning to.
Really, you were both hurting each other and right now, you didn't know how to stop.
You nod once and your bottom lip trembles for a moment before you quickly manage stop it. He saw the movement though and his eyes fill with more sadness, more guilt and regret.
You try to swallow the lump in your throat. "Well," you clear your throat, trying to ignore the sting in your heart. "I...I hope you have a good time." you tell them weakly before turning your back to them and walking away.
If you stayed any longer, you wouldn't have been able to control the tears which now streamed down your cheeks.
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Over the next week, you purposely avoided Arno and Antoinette. Arno had tried speaking with you multiple times but you didn't want to know.
You could tell he wanted to apologize but it was all so confusing for you.
They were growing closer. He sat with her for every meal and began to return her small touches and affections. It almost killed you having to watch it and not be able to do anything about it.
It wasn't just meal time though; he spent more and more time with her, time that he used to spend with you. Slowly, you had been replaced.
You couldn't understand the sad look in his eye whenever he glanced over at you though. The guilt you understood; he probably felt bad for hurting your feelings but why was he sad? Didn't he get what he wanted?
Your head hurt, as well as your heart which seemed to be in constant pain since this started. You wished the past week away, hoping that it was just a nightmare and you'd wake up, on that tower, in Arno's arms.
You never woke up though because it wasn't a dream.
The night you'd finally had enough was when you wanted answers. You were lonely, depressed, and missed Arno something awful. You needed him so much it hurt.
So you went to your tower, not knowing if he'd come but hoping that he would.
You stood there for a full hour and were about to give up with a heavy heart when two figures caught your eye.
You immediately recognised Arno, and your heart fell into your stomach when you recognised the second figure as Antoinette. They were facing each other and standing very close.
You couldn't deny it even though every part of you was screaming for it not to be real.
They were about to kiss.
And it was Arno who finally initiated it.
You stumbled backwards as if you'd been hit by a large gust of wind. It felt like you couldn't breathe, like every part of you was slowly dying.
After an hour of crying, you knew what you needed to do.
There was no point in feeling sorry for yourself. It wouldn't achieve anything other than making you feel like crap more than you already did.
So you went and found Adrian, who was busy packing in his chambers. The door was open so you didn't bother knocking as you went and let yourself in.
He glances up at you with a confused expression. "Are you okay?" he questions, frowning when he notices the redness of your eyes. It was obvious you'd been crying.
You nod stiffly. "Are you leaving for your contract?" you question back.
He ignores you. "Did Arno do something?" he sounds angry at the idea and you notice a vein stand out on his muscular arm when he clenches his fist.
"I don't want to talk about it," you croak out, feeling tears resurfacing at the mention of his name. "Are you leaving or not?"
He looks reluctant, as if he wants to force the information out of you but after a moment, he seems to drop the matter. "Yes," he finally answers you. "Why? Have you changed your mind?"
"Yeah," you tell him. "Does the offer still stand?" it will be hard being away from Arno – hell, you miss him already – but it would be good for you to heal without seeing him and Antoinette everyday.
"Of course." he says sincerely. "Get your things ready; I'm leaving tonight." he tells you, eyeing you carefully. "You know, I will get you to tell me what happened."
You roll your eyes, knowing that he wouldn't give up until you told him. "I know you will." you said before you left you pack your own things.
It was going to be a long two months.
*hands out tissues*
There will be a part two to this chapter which I'm working on now. Don't worry too much, there will be a happy ending; just try to remember that everything isn't as it seems...
