Here we are! Gotta say, I am LOVING writing this story :) up to 10 reviews, yay for YOU :D I haven't done shoutouts in a while, so here's to the chapter 2 reviewers!

SpaceRoses Don't hurt yourself! Joshua will have to give you a skin graft xD and he's gonna be pretty busy... Oh man. The 6am blues are my own personal hell, when I encounter them. The 7am, and sometimes even 8am blues are also not so pleasant. Bwaha, I can totally see Marcus as a crazy driver - a result of all his pent-up stress :P Hobbes too, but that one's obvious xD Yes, that's how she works... if it's HER idea, it's a GOOD idea. thanks for your review! Love it, as usual :)

Ithileon Haaay you got an account! Mmmm, ass covering. Or lack thereof. Thaankyou for your review, and the mental image ;)

ColdCaseIsMyLife Thanks so much :D and your wait is over! I love Tyler's idiotness too... I don't exaggerare is character TOOO much xD 6AM IS AWFUL D:

Trekkin'Through I always find it hard to pick fave lines but I must admit I really did like that one too :P I love picturing it. Heehee, yeah the Party Bus :) is kinda been trashed/pimped from the happenings in MSD... Anna will have to find another one, preferrably without an emoticon sticker. xD

Speedy2Green Thank you very much :D That makes me glad.

Alleluia Elizabeth You inspired me to make a slight change in this story... see if you can spot it :)

Luhvv youz alllll. isnt it ann0y1ng when ppl talk lyk dat?

And yes, there is a bit of a suprise at the end. Not something I originally planned so I had to compensate a little bit, but I think it works.

PS, this is set sometime after Concordia, so I'm trying to get everything right regarding who knows what about who in the Fifth Column, Lisa's alleigances, where Ryan is, stuff like that. Since this is basically CrackHumour, it doesn't make much of a difference, but I wanna stay a bit accurace :)

Again, I don't own the obvious! Except for Moe xD Enjoy!


"Ohhh it's so pretty here!" Chad gasped in awe as the V gang spilled out of the Marcuscalade. For the first time since waking up that morning, he wasn't feeling the effects of multiple energy drinks. Not long after pulling out of the gas station, he'd had a very sudden caffeine crash which left him in a near-comatose slumber until 5 minutes ago when Samuel shattered his eardrums with a piercing cry of "WE'RE HERE!"

"It is very picturesque." Anna commented.

"It's sooo peacef-AHHHH KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!"

"Relax, Samuel. That's just a chipmunk."

Thomas was the last to clear the vehicle. His motion-sickness had become increasingly debilitating in the last half-hour (since Marcus's driving had increased to a near-NASCAR level of passing, speeding, and swerving.) The turtlenecked engineer stood for a moment, blinked in the sunlight, then staggered over to the nearest tree which he clung to for support while abandoning the contents of his stomach into a bush.

They were in a gravel parking lot containing several parked vehicles beside a lodge which controlled the renting of the surrounding cottages. They were surrounded by all manner of trees, rocks, logs, stumps, chipmunks, twigs, etcetera. And the expanse of crystal blue lake shimmered just beyond the treeline - beautiful! The day had turned out to be pleasantly hot and sunny, and everyone was in a good mood - with the possible exception of one Thomas.

###

"So that be seven days an' six nights for a party o' five in the Mooseview Chalet. Reservation under "5C". Sign here, Ma'am."

Erica did as she was told and signed the rental agreement which she then turned over to the toothless bearded renter - wearing a name tag "Moe" - effectually sealing the deal. There was no going back now.

"Seven days, an' I need that key back at the end, Blondie."

"Yeah don't worry." Erica didn't bother facing him so he couldn't see her rolling her eyes. Pigs! Men are pigs!

"Lookee here! Your insurance says you a cop. I have an extra donut if yer hungry!" he called at her retreating back. She had to stop herself from whipping out her gun.

"It's done, guys. Let's go check it out!" she called to her companions who were splayed out across the lobby. Hobbes abandoned his pursuit of hitting on a young tour guide. Jack dropped the educational wildlife guide he'd picked up from the table.

"By the way, who the hell put our reservations under '5C'?"

"5C! Fifth Column, get it?"

"Jack...you're an idiot. You're also lucky we left Tyler in the car, or you'd get another Transformer shoved up your nose."

The "5C" gang began to make their way out of the Lodge, when they heard -

"Party o' seven, Mooseview Chalet."

"No, dumbass, there's five of-" Erica began, but when she turned around, she realized Moe had not been addressing her.

Standing at the counter in a line was Marcus, Anna, Lisa, Joshua, Samuel, that turtleneck guy whose name she didn't know, and Chad.

Jack made a noise that sounded like something being run over. Hobbes got up and advanced defensively. Ryan facepalmed.

"What. The. Hell. Are. They. Doing. Here." she whispered in a deadly tone.

Before Jack could stammer that this hadn't been part of the plan, Anna approached the human group with an expression of delight.

"Agent Evans! Such a lovely suprise!"

"Likewise, High Commander. Are you here on...um, Visitor business?" Erica managed to force out while suppressing a wave of shock and panic. What were the Visitors doing here?

"Not as such, I simply decided my closest staff members and I were in need of a little getaway and some fresh air. And who are your lovely friends?"

Oh great. Now she needed to come up with a really excellent exuse about the identity of her travelling companions. She thought fast, and decided to play it honest - mostly.

"These are Jack and Kyle." she lowered her voice to a whisper. "I'm checking them for signs of...um, misdemeanor...in a new environment. Work assignment"

"I see." said Anna understandingly. Marcus glared suspiciously at Hobbes.

"And this is my third cousin twice removed, Ryan."

Ryan waved sheepishly. Anna shot him a covert glare and he knew he had some explaining to do, since he was supposed to be monitoring the Fifth Column, not vacationing with his third cousin twice removed.

"Ahh, Ryan! I know you, you took a tour of the Mothership last week!" Anna hid the glare and greeted him casually.

"I remember!" the undercover V agreed with a stressed smile.

"Pleased to meet you all." Anna added to Jack and Hobbes, who gritted their teeth and nodded.

"This is my Second in Command, Marcus and my daughter Lisa. I'm sure you've seen them with me on the television. My chief of medical staff, Joshua. My chief engineer, Thomas. My assistants' assistant, Samuel - " The line of Vs waved boredly as they were introduced. Lisa and Erica exchanged a glance as if to say, WTF!

-"and I'm sure you all recognize Mr. Chad Decker from WNT Prime Focus." Ana concluded.

Chad grinned awkwardly at his friends.

"Nice to meet you all!"

"Likewise, Mr. Decker. Can I get an autograph?" Hobbes asked innocently. Anna didn't pick up on his sarcasm.

"So. You guys have the Mooseview rented?" Erica inquired.

"According to this gentleman, yes." Anna continued to smile.

"Yes'm. That be a problem?" said Moe.

"You just rented it to my group. Five minutes ago?" Erica reminded him threateningly.

"I did? Snorkellin' sasquatches! I surely did! I seem to have it double-booked." he smacked himself on the forehead.

"Yes, well. Just transfer our rental agreement onto a different cottage and I'll be out of your hair." Erica informed Moe through furiously gritted teeth.

"Or assign my party to a different location. You were here first after all, Agent Evans." Anna contributed with a sickly sweet smile.

"That's very generous, Anna." Erica reciprocated the repulsively kind tone, then snapped at the renter: "Get us a different place or give me my damn money back."

"Well hold on Darlin'! The ol' Mooseview is the last place we got! E'rything else is booked right up! Folks be vacationing this time o' year, y'know."

"I noticed." she commented icily. "In that case, I want my money. Now."

He grinned broadly and pointed at the carved wooden absolutely no refunds sign nailed above his desk.

Erica flipped him off. Hobbes gently grabbed her arm.

"O-kay. Time for somebody's nap."

"Prehaps all y'all can work som'thin out?" Moe suggested. "Why don't all y'all just share the house? All y'all look like good n' decent folks."

"If he says all y'all one more time, I'm getting the gun." Hobbes growled under his breath.

"I thought we had a No Firearms rule on this trip!" Jack protested in a whisper.

"Padre, you should know by now that my gun does not detach from my body."

"I'm sure we can make an arrangement." Anna smiled at Moe, then at Erica. "I do not want to give up my vacation. And we have both paid for a week, and it seems this nice man does not give refunds. I see an obvious solution, I am sure you understand."

Not really, Lizard Bitch. Erica thought.

"You're thinking...we could share the house?"

"That is an incredibly kind offer, Anna." Jack stepped up to take control.

"But we really must-" Hobbes pushed in front of him.

"-Be heading off to check out the house and get some food going. We're all starved. Meet you there!" Ryan finished with a cheesy grin.

Erica, Jack, and Hobbes gawked at him. He was ACTUALLY volunteering them to spend a week in a house with the Vs? What the hell was going through his big bald head?

"That sounds lovely! We'll meet you at the...Mooseview." Anna finalized before walking out the door with her entourage following closely.

###

"What the hell is Nichols doing here?" Thomas bellowed as soon as everyone had boarded the Marcuscalade and shut the doors. "He's supposed to be infiltrating the Fifth Column!"

"Maybe that IS the Fifth Column." Samuel suggested halfheartedly.

"He's her third cousin twice removed, are you deaf? He just wants some time with his family." Lisa snapped defensively.

"I'll come right out and say it. Does anyone else not see much of a resemblance?" Thomas argued.

"You. Are. So. RACIST!" Lisa shrieked furiously, bludgeoning Thomas with her purse.

"Adoption is quite common these days." Joshua mused.

"We'll see." Thomas growled, massaging his purse-beaten face.

"They have Hobbes." Marcus commented stressfully.

"Erica- I mean, Agent Evans is testing him out for work stuff. They're probably just analyzing his brain." Lisa offered.

"Since when does he deal with the FBI?" Marcus shot back, almost breaking the steering wheel.

"Just get to the cottage. We'll worry about those buffoons later." Anna ordered. "Lisa, where was Tyler? I thought he was going on vacation with his mother."

"He hasn't texted me since this morning." the girl shrugged. "Maybe he died."

###

Tyler was not quite dead. However he was snoring loud enough to wake the dead. And he'd been doing so since long before the van had stopped at the lodge, so he had no idea that as of now, he was on vacation with his "omg super-hawt alien girlfraand."

"RYAN NICHOLS. What the hell were you thinking?" Erica berated the V as they climbed back into the van.

"What better way to keep an eye on them than living with them for a week?" he answered with a hopeful smile.

"But they're Visitors and we're the Fifth Fricking Column in case you forgot! Don't you think it'll get suspicious at some point? Or at least awkward? We have two of their most wanted, for chrissakes!"

"Even if they recognize Jack and Hobbes -"

"Which they have! Did you see the look Marcus gave him?"

"I can handle that overgrown gator!" Hobbes protested. "I did put a bullet in his chest, in case anyone remembers."

"I'll be sure to tell him that." said Erica sarcastically.

Tyler grunted. Everyone froze.

But he appeared to be deadly asleep, because even a series of potholes didn't jar him from slumber. But as a precaution, Erica slipped his headphones back on.

"I can take another whack at it this week." Hobbes suggested. "I'll say I thought he was a deer."

"What did we say about NO FIFTH COLUMN BUSINESS?" Jack pestered.

"Hello, we'll be in the same house as them for SEVEN DAYS. Sharing a cutlery, plates, cups, couches, and toilets. This has turned into a Fifth Column business trip. Thanks to Mr. Nichols. Oh, and you. Because this whole deathtrap was your goody-two-shoes idea! In fact, she's probably gonna conduct experiments on us as we sleep, or at least inject that tracker juice into our blood, and she might even eat us if she wants a midnight snack. YOUR. FAULT." she vented towards Jack, who looked considerably upset.

"Erica, really. You're gonna make him cry. We don't want any tears on this trip." Hobbes reprimanded.

"Shut up." Jack grouched.

Hobbes smirked at the reaction he'd caused, and settled happily into his seat.

"You sir, are the king of all Shit Disturbers." Ryan noted.

Hobbes smiled.

###

"Awwwesooome." said Chad.

"Woooow." said Samuel.

"Oooooh." said Joshua.

"Pretty!" said Lisa.

"How quaint." said Anna.

"Smells like nature." said Thomas.

"Thank God. Indoor plumbing." said Marcus.

These were the reactions upon entering Mooseview Chalet for the first time. It was a pleasant log cabin, surrounded by forest, and located right on the waterfront. Complete with a dock, a canoe, a motorboat - included in the rental. The house was two stories high, not too small and not too big. It had a nice porch - with a safety rail. Out front was a nice big campfire pit, two picnic tables, and a small shed. Inside the house had an entirely nature theme, from the log-carved furnishings to the giant moose head mounted on the wall.

"GUYS." Chad shrieked suddenly.

"What!"

"Look around. There's something missing here." the news anchor gulped.

Blank stares all around.

"What's missing here?" Chad persisted.

"Intelligent life on Earth." Thomas murmured.

"A DISHWASHER. THERE'S NO DISHWASHER."

"A dishwasher is the thing you put bread in and toast comes out, right?" Samuel whispered to Marcus.

"That's a toaster, Sam. Good try though."

"Cheezus! How many household appliances ARE there?"

"This is totally AWESOME!" Lisa squeaked happily, lying down on a well-used but extremely long and comfortable couch.

"SCORE! TV!" bellowed Samuel, throwing himself down on the couch beside Lisa, who was bounced onto the floor from the force of his landing.

"What show's this?" Samuel wondered, after turning on the rather elderly television and seeing nothing but static.

"It appears to be a live feed of some sort of snowstorm?" Joshua suggested.

"See what channels we get! I CAN NOT miss Jersey Shore." Lisa orderd.

"HOO YEAH!" Thomas roared in uplifted agreement.

Everyone gawked at him.

"Ahem. I mean... Lisa wants to watch Jersey Shore, so let's all just act like adults here. It's not the...worst...show I've ever seen." he muttered. Turning the brightest shade of red anyone had ever seen. All eyes were still on him.

"You...LIKE the orange drunkards?" Joshua asked, twitching.

"That show gave me nightmares." Samuel mentioned.

"Really, Thomas. There's a reason I didn't place a mothership in that area." said Anna reproachfully.

"You know what, I don't think this TV works." Thomas mumbled awkwardly, turning it off.

"What's THAT?" Samuel freaked, noticing the moose head for the first time.

"I think...it's some sort of animal." Joshua offered.

"Where's the rest of it?" Marcus pondered.

"It's a moose. People kill them, stuff their heads, and stick 'em up on walls to brag to their friends." said Chad. He sympathized for the moose - all alone in a room full of an unfamilliar species, all gawking at him... Chad knew the feeling exactly.

"So...it's DEAD?" Lisa hollered.

Marcus poked it.

"Yep. Dead."

"Time to investigate the sleeping quarters." Anna ordered, losing interest in the moose situation making a beeline for the stairs. Meanwhile, Lisa was shedding several tears over the moose.

"Prehaps we should wait for out housemates to arrive before we decide on beds." Joshua suggested lightly. "It's only polite."

Anna gave him the I-Don't-Get-It look.

"You know...like consideration for others?"

"I don't follow." said Anna.

"They're here!" Samuel announced, running out on the deck to wave wildly.

###

"Who the hell is that?" Erica growled, referring to the waving figure.

"That's Samuel - Joshua's assistant. He used to be Fifth Column, but I wouldn't trust him nowadays... he's been off ever since Red Sky." Ryan explained.

"Right, well..."

"WE'RE HERE WE'RE HERE WE'RE HERE WE'RE HERE!" Tyler had woken up. He ripped open the door and made a break for the house - then promptly stubbed his toe on a rock and kissed dirt.

"IIIIII loooove naaaature!" Jack rejoiced as he climbed out of the van and smelled the fresh air.

"Well, the house looks solid enough." Hobbes grunted approvingly. "Nice little shed we can lock the lizards in... then detonate it."

Erica smacked him upside the head.

"Hey. We're trying for no Fifth Column business, remember? If I have to be nice, then that goes for you too, Mister."

Hobbes grumbled something indecipherable as everyone began hauling their bags out of the trunk. Tyler ripped out his bag then made his second attempt at running to the house. This time he ran straight into the parked Escalade, and fell. This time on his ass.

"Who PUT that there?" he wailed hopelessly, staggering up the stairs and dissapearing through the door.

"Ty, wait!" Erica called, wanting to carefully explain that there were Visitors waiting for him inside. But he took no notice. "You dumbass. Whatever, you'll see for yourself." she grumbled.

Ryan, Jack, and Hobbes each grabbed an armful of luggage out of the trunk. Now there was just one more bag, the biggest one. Erica reached down and lifted it up...

And an ear-shattering scream echoed off the trees and across the once-peaceful lake.

###

Tyler had made it as far as the fridge, and downed half a carton of chocolate milk before realizing he wasn't alone in the house.

"Well, if it isn't Mr Evans!" said Anna delightedly, advancing on him.

First, he screamed and threw the milk at her. Then he realized who it was.

"H-h-hi Mrs. High Commander." he stammered, shocked at her sudden unexlained presence.

"So nice to see you! I take it from your expression, your mother did not tell you that we are vacationing together this week?"

"Uh. No."

Then he saw Lisa, and gave her the most bug-eyed look that caused her to seriously wonder exactly what message Anna had texted him. Whatever it was, it did not stop him from waddling up to her and partaking in his typical tongue-bath greeting. And here she'd been thinking this was a vacation...

Anna watched Tyler and Lisa quite happily for a moment, then noticed Marcus, Joshua, Samuel, Thomas, and Chad were staring at her the way parents stare at convicted pedophiles. She gave them a haughty little smile, then glided off to investigate the fridge.

"I'm just gonna say it. She's a pimp." Samuel rambled.

Marcus patted him on the shoulder, then looked up sharply..

"Hey - did anyone just hear that scream?"

"Sounded like Evans." said Chad anxiously.

"She probably saw a chimpmunk. Those are scary." said Samuel wisely.

"She's got a gun - we can mount its head next to the Moose." added Thomas.

"Bruce! His name is Bruce." Lisa announced, pushing Tyler off so she could speak.

###

"SIDNEY MILLER, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE TRUNK?" Erica shrieked hysterically at the young blond man curled up in the trunk, who had apparently been under her suitcase.

"You're a bloody creep, you know that?" Hobbes scolded as Jack kindly helped the scientist out of the trunk. After the 11 hour drive, he was incredibly stiff.

"I got your e-mail about the vacation last night. I got back to headquarters at 5:30 am this morning, and you were all packed, and the van was just sitting there, so I got in." he shrugged guiltily, looking up at his comrades.

"What happened to hanging out with your grandma?" Jack inquired.

"She kicked me out...cuz I can't shoot whiskey and her bridge friends were coming over, she said I was cramping her style." Sid mumbled bashfully, looking down at his feet.

This sent Hobbes into a seizure of laughter so powerful he had to take a time-out.

"Ohh kay... Wait, why did you stow away? You could have just taken a seat. Or at least let us know you were coming?" Erica chided.

"I wasn't sure if you would have brought me if I asked." the doctor admitted. "So I figured...better to ask forgiveness than permission."

Erica's entire attitude morphed from agression to sympathy. She wrapped the scientist in a warm hug.

"Sid, you're crazy! Of course we would have taken you."

"I thought it was a...Fifth Column-only deal." said Sid with a relieved smile.

Hobbes stopped laughing and shot a reproachful look at his young comrade.

"Kid, don't you ever think for one second that you're not one of us."

Sid looked extremely suprised at this slight show of affection, but kept a straight face.

"Gee. Thanks, Kyle!"

"That's Uncle Kyle to you, kiddo."

"Well, time to check out the house?" said Jack hopefully. Ryan had already headed in, now all that remained were the four resistance members standing by the van. Then, Sid spotted the Escalade.

"Wait, who else is here?"

"Oh yeah Sid, we should probably warn you..."

###

"Everyone, this is my friend Sid. He was stowed away under 8 suitcases for the 11 hour drive, and he will indeed be spending the week with us. Be nice." Erica announced as the last of the group trooped tiredly into the house.

"Agents Evans and company. Welcome." Anna greeted with a smile. "Or - since we're on vacation, can I call you Erica?"

Absolutely not, Lizard Bitch. she thought.

"Absolutely, Anna." she said. But she had to admit, her mood did lighten considerably as she looked around. The decor was tacky - but oddly endearing. Not too fancy, but well-used and comfortable. Everything a cottage should be. The front door opened into the main room, kitchen at the front with a long dining table, then a family area with a fireplace, the TV, and an assortment of furniture. To the left, a rickety-looking staircase led upstairs.

The Vs had made themselves quite comfortable, having abandones their luggage at the bottom of the stairs. Lisa had distracted Tyler by giving him a pinecone and telling him it had superpowers. He was now curled up in an armchair trying to figure it out, and Lisa was parked on the opposite side of the room. Samuel and Chad were on the couch, trying to figure out the conundrum that was the television. Thomas suggested Samuel put the antenna on his head and dance around in hopes of recieving signal. Anna had a hologram projector set up in the corner and was bitching out a staff member from back on the mothership. Marcus was carefully investigating a box of cereal he'd found in the cupboard. Joshua had unearthed a dusty old book about wildlife, and was currently reading up on snails in their natural habitat.

"Did you know snails are related to giant squids, and they are actually one large foot? When in danger, they ooze protective mucus." Joshua informed them, very seriously.

No one had anything to say about that. With the exception of Samuel:

"Mucus sounds like Marcus."

"Fantastic observation..."

"I officially live here. Not going home. This. Is. The. Best." Jack bubbled as he enthusiastically checked out the first story of the house, everything from the fish clock above the fireplace to the bearskin rug on the floor.

"Take it down a notch, nature boy. You're scaring Bambi." Hobbes joked, gesturing at the moose head.

"His name is Bruce!" Lisa yelled, eyeing Hobbes venemously.

"Oh lord. Are you one of those chicks that think everything has names and feelings? Because that is incredibly - " Hobbes complained.

"O-KAY. That's enough, Kyle. Remember what I said about not embarrassing yourself?" Erica intercepted in a tone of false cheerfulness.

"What? I was gonna say hot!" Hobbes whined.

Erica clapped her hand over his mouth.

"So, have you guys picked out rooms yet?" she questioned the Vs.

"Not yet, someone insisted on waiting for you." said Thomas peevishly.

"Well now that we're all here together, let's go to it!" said Jack happily. He seemed to be hopeful that his enthusiasm might be contagious, but so far as he could tell, nobody was catching on.

"Did that toothless guy happen to mention how many bedrooms this shack has?" Hobbes muttered as the gang trooped up the stairs.

"I don't know, but I do know that if these stairs have a weight limit, he didn't specify." Thomas complained. "Listen to that creaking wood - do you all feast on cement?"

"Says the man who thinks chocolate is a food group." Marcus grunted.

Thomas then reached back and attempted to shove him back down the stairs, which might have been the end of him, had Tyler not broken his fall.

"Boys, behave." Anna reprimanded.

"HE STARTED IT!" Marcus and Thomas choroused vehmently.

"I don't care who started it. Don't make me come back there."

"If I had a nickel for every time I said that on the drive up here!" Erica suddenly found herself laughing despite her attempts to suppress it.

"Boys will be boys." Anna agreed with a serene smile.

The vacation had begun.


Well now that they've arrived, the fun can really begin! *rubs hands together, looks sinister*

Review please :) Suggestions are welcome but I can't promise I'll use them.

I plan to start chap 3 in like... 5 minutes because I'm really rollin' with this story. I've kinda let MSD slip this week but i'll pick it back up, don't you worry :)

RXP