My thanks to Sylvain for the beta work.

The Unthinkable

Part 3

I've just been watching the sun come up, was momentarily lost in the beauty of a brand new day. The tranquility, the sense of peace all too fleeting, the heaviness in my chest has returned along with a feeling of great sadness and unease. I still have so many doubts, I still question his decision, but I've realised there is no hope of changing his mind, and God knows I've tried! I've reasoned with him, cajoled him, bargained and even bullied him. I've pleaded endlessly. I've even got down on my knees and begged him to look inside himself and somehow find the strength he needs to go on. But no, his mantra... "I've tried but I just can't do it anymore."

Those words drip with utter despair and so I haven't been able to ignore them, I haven't been able to push them to one side, I've had to face them, address them, accept them.

The last eighteen months haven't been all bad. Yes, there have been devastating lows but we've also had a great many highs. Times when we've laughed, when we've had fun, and times when just being together was enough, when nothing else mattered, when the world around us didn't exist, when for a little while Aaron actual forgot his disability. But the lows have proved too many, too often, too overwhelming.

For a while though, I thought we were getting there, that we were on course for reaching that milestone the counsellor talked about. But I think I was just seeing what I wanted to see and ignoring what I didn't. But who could blame me?

To be fair to Aaron, he has tried to cope, to adjust, to accept his life as it now is and he's tried to do all that for me, because I asked him to, because he loves me. I suppose deep down I always knew I was asking the impossible. Knowing the old Aaron, knowing how very proud, how independent and so very private a man he is, how could I have ever expected him to endure a life so dependent on others. I don't think it's something I could have done, something tells me I would have fallen at the very first hurdle.

He's battled on bravely all this time. He's had counselling, attended twice-weekly sessions for months on end, he's had almost daily physio too, in fact he's participated in anything the doctors have deemed necessary. Such compliance didn't happen overnight though, it took some time, some encouragement, but in the end he went with all offered him.

I tried so very hard to keep him positive, to keep him from falling into a depression, but the black moods seemed to come out of nowhere, striking without warning. It's like the light goes out of his world at such times, he just wants to lie in bed, he doesn't want to eat, he doesn't want to see anyone. Those were nightmare times and we all feared he was giving up, but slowly he'd surface from the gloom, from the despondency, and things would go well for a little while. Things would be good and we'd do things, normal things, like go watch a footy match, to the cinema to watch the latest blockbuster. We'd go on day trips, take long weekends away. I tried to make those times as mentally stimulating as possible. I let my imagination feed off his interests and we got up to all sorts of wild and exhilarating things. He enjoyed those times, even if he did experience them all from the confines of his wheelchair. But I have to accept that there was a downside to them too, that there always followed an anticlimax, that they always ended up deepening his longing for his old life, for the physical freedom he had before the accident. I've had to accept the painful truth that all my efforts just haven't been enough, and never will be.

Aaron never really got over the last low, after the last wave of depression. Everyone else thinks he has, he's put on a convincing act, one that only I can see through. Chas and Paddy have both been able to breathe a sigh of relief... if only they knew the truth. If only they knew that he wants the endless nightmare over with, that he wants it all to end... that he wants me to let him go, and the biggest ask of all... that he wants me to help him leave us. Only he won't be leaving me behind. I can't live without him, I don't want to live without him... and I won't.

That's actually been a lot easier a decision to make than the one to help him end his life. I have no doubts about taking that so very final step. I do have a few regrets though. Regrets about the pain it will cause my mum, those who love me. I think they'll understand eventually though, they know what Aaron means to me, how I've devoted my life to him and they'll realise how impossible it would be to go on without him.

He's awake, I can hear him calling my name, he's eager to get up, to get on with things, to set his well-thought-out plans in motion…

/

Showered, shaved, dressed in something I've recently bought him, he's all set to say his goodbyes, but not in such a way that will be recognised, not until it's too late, not until after he's gone. We chat with Cain at the garage, have tea with Adam over at the cafe. They've seen him in this reflective, sentimental kind of mood before so they're not at all suspicious. I'm worried Chas and Paddy will be, though, that they'll guess, will sense something's wrong. Paddy, especially, is tuned to Aaron's wavelength. I know when the accident first happened, he was terrified of his reaction to his injury, was scared he'd want out, just like he'd wanted out the last time he was made to face another life-changing realisation.

Thankfully, lunch at the pub goes as planned, so does our evening at The Smithy. We arrived unannounced and stayed for tea, the cottage was always home to him, and Paddy always the father he wanted and needed. I slip off to the shop after we've eaten, give them some time alone together. Then it's back to ours, to our time together.

Dusk is falling, drawing to an end what has been a good day. I don't want it to end, I want it to go on forever, but there's no delaying what I know is the inevitable.

We talk for a while, get down to the nitty-gritty, he makes it sound so business like, goes over and over things with me, making sure I know what's to happen, what to do and what not to do.

Then he yawns, he's had a long and busy day and is exhausted. He asks me to help him to bed. My heart lurches in my chest; this is the beginning of the end.

Another shower, one I deliberately linger over, taking comfort from the closeness, from the intimacy. All too soon, I'm picking out some nightwear, hoisting him to bed... he's ready for sleep... a sleep he's not going to wake from.

One mug of tea, two straws, it had become our nightly romantic ritual. I can't believe we're doing it for the very last time.

A silence has fallen between us, for a little while we can only stare at each other, into each other's eyes. My eyes eventually stray to his lips, lips I've gently pleased and wantonly plundered, lips that have taken me to the heights of passion and so very tenderly loved me. We kiss, slowly, deeply, sharing more of ourselves, more than words can ever say. But then from those same lips come the words I don't want to hear... he tells me it's time for us to say goodbye.

/

The glass now empty, drained of the very last poisonous drop, I get into bed beside him. I pull Aaron into my arms; his head rests against mine, his breath is warm on my face. He's calm and at peace with what he's just done and, unbelievably, so am I.

Aaron's not a man of words but, suddenly, they're tripping effortlessly off his tongue. He's opening his heart to me like he's never done before. I'm left in no doubt of his love for me, or of his gratitude. Then he starts telling me what he knows I don't want to hear, what I've refused to listen to before. There's no escaping it this time, so I let his pleas wash over me, letting him think I will move on, that I will find someone else, that I will fall in love again... and that I'll never forget him.

Aaron doesn't know about my decision, I've kept it from him and I have no qualms about that. I know he wouldn't understand, that he wouldn't accept it was what was best for me. I know it would have put a stop to his plans, but it would also have come between us in time, he would have come to resent me.

He's becoming drowsy, I can't hold back my tears any longer, my strength deserts me and they start trickling silently down my cheeks... just like his did when his world was taken from him. Time now for me to open my heart...

His blue eyes drift shut, his breathing slows, becomes shallower. I know he can still hear me, so I tell him again how much I love him, I want those three little words to be the last words he hears before...

His last breath comes in a gentle sigh… the anguish, the mental torture for him now over.

I feel my heart break, the crushing pain spreading through me, consuming me and for a little while I'm aware of nothing else.

Slowly, I gain some control, the tears stop falling, and in the ensuing silence, I hear the ticking of a clock. It serves as a reminder of what I have to do, what I'm now desperate to do. It's the early hours of the morning and I want this last chapter in my life over before dawn, before the start of another day.

Letting go of Aaron proves almost impossible, but I do so because I know I'll soon be holding him again. I fuss over him; make him 'comfortable', ignoring the coldness of his skin, the pallor in his cheeks. I talk to him like he's still here, like he's still with me.

Then it's on with the practical side of things. I tidy up, make the house, what's been our home, presentable... I'm leaving enough of a mess behind me as it is.

I ready the laptop, Aaron's recorded messages on it, one to his mum, one to Paddy, and of course one to the police, he's thought of everything. There's a message on there for me too but I don't need to see it, I know what his words to me will be.

I leave several messages of my own, a long, loved-filled one to my mum, one to the police and the last one... well that's a short one and intended for all concerned. It's a heartfelt plea to lay Aaron and me together to rest... soulmates side by side for all eternity.

Finally, I'm ready, and I am more than ready now, the pain is becoming unbearable. I force down the bitter liquid. Like Aaron, I drink every last deadly drop. I have to be sure that when I close my eyes, I won't ever open them again.

With Aaron in my arms and memories of him in my head, I switch off the light, cloaking us both in a soothing darkness.

I close my eyes knowing that to many, what I've just done is unthinkable. It would have been to me at one time… but that was before I met Aaron, before I fell in love with him, before I lost my heart to him, before the very thought of living without him became unthinkable…

End