Keeping Up With The Avengers (Season 1)

[Episode 2: We Are Family, Even Though You're Crazier Than Me]

Thor (wearing bright red cloak; blond hair cascading over shoulders): "WHAT IS THE GIGANTIC BLACK EYE THAT YOU ARE FACING ME WITH RIGHT NOW?!"

Off-screen voice: "It's called a camera. You don't have these, uh, where you're from?"

Thor (peering into camera up-close; he is truly extremely close, his nose hairs are visible): "NO WE DO NOT. DOES THIS RUN ON ELEKTRICICITY AS WELL?"

Off-screen voice (now laughing): "Uh, it runs on electricity, yeah, you're right."

Thor (steps back; spreads his hands out)"OF COURSE I AM RIGHT!"


"Well, well, well," Tony says, joining Natasha at the door. The others quickly crowd around him. "If it isn't the sons of Odin." Thor grins, crossing his huge arms, while Loki yawns. They are both wearing the robes and armour typical of Asgard, drawing weird looks from passing pedestrians.

A small voice pipes up from behind the massive bulk of Thor. "And me!" Thor and Loki part and a little boy emerges, clutching his dark blue Batman suitcase. All the Avengers look at each other confused, except for Tony.


Sam (maroon shirt; standing in front yard): "I mean, come on... BATMAN? Seriously?"


Tony steps forward and places his hand on the boy. "And him! This is Pepper's sister's son... um..." He looks down at the brown-haired child. "What's your name again, kid?"

The child scrunches his nose up as if he is trying to remember. "Wilhelm Jardins," he says finally. Then he broadly smiles, his chubby cheeks squishing up as he does. "But you can call me Willie!"


"You're kidding me, right?" Clint asks exasperatedly. "A kid? In the Avenger's compound?" He is sitting on the metal stool of the kitchen's counter, munching an apple voraciously. He wipes some of the juice off his face with his grey sleeve.

"Maybe it won't be that bad," Wanda says, crossing her legs over her own stool.

"It definitely feels good to have an innocent being in the house for once," Natasha continues. She takes a sip from her "I Love NY" coffee mug. Then she gestures with it. "Uh, no offence to any of you guys."

"No, I know what you mean," says Steve. His golden brows are furrowed in concentration. "But that's the thing, isn't it? We're going to be on duty 24/7 with this kid around."

"What do you mean?" Clint asks, now spinning on the rotatable tops of the stool having finished his apple. "On duty?" Bruce tilts his head in agreement.

"Well," Steve starts slowly. "No cursing, first of all." At this, he shoots a look at Tony, who raises his hands in the air innocently. "We have to set a good example for the kid."

"Look," Tony says from where he's standing with his arms now crossed. "The only thing that I'm concerned about, is how the little guy's going to live! I mean, what kind of loving parent names their child Wilhelm!"

"Clearly the most important thing, Tony," Steve counters. "Well done."

"Aw, come on guys!" Sam yells from the neighbouring room where he is playing Jenga with Thor, Loki, and Willie. "It can't be that hard, right!"


"Ok, this is getting hard," Sam groans as Willie runs around his underwear, refusing to wear his pyjamas for what it seems like the fortieth time. Bucky is sprawled on the purple couch of the hallway and makes a half-hearted swipe at the little boy, sighing.

"So remind me why we're the two stuck on kid-duty, again?" The Winter Soldier asks, holding out Willie's pink and blue striped pants. "Please?" He says unconfidently to Willie, who makes a couple passes in front of him, giggling.


[EARLIER SCENE]

"You said it wouldn't be that hard, Sam," Tony says, smirking at the dumbfounded man and twirling his car keys on one finger, the other hand on the doorknob.

"B-b-but..." Sam splutters. "I wanted to go with you guys!"

"Relax," Tony continues. "I've left Bucky in charge with you! You'll be fine." He then promptly closes the front door on Sam's face.

Sam stares at the now-closed door, mouthing the words 'babysitting' over and over again. He feels a tugging at his jeans and looks down. Willie is standing there bare-footed and smiling brightly, his face smeared with peanut butter, his hands sticky with ketchup. He hears Bucky scream in the background.

"Metal man is crying because I coloured the table with my paints. I found them in the kitchen," Willie whispers confidingly.

Sam feels his eye twitch, glances at his freshly condiment stained pants, and sighs.


"Yeah, I don't know, Buck," Sam says, watching as Willie nearly knocks over Steve's favourite yellow vase. Willie neatly trips on the edge of a table and falls, only to get back up again. "I don't know."


[MEANWHILE]

Thor is stuck in front of the automatic doors of IKEA. As they slide open and shut, he tries to summon the courage to pass through, but can't. Natasha looks at him oddly as she enters IKEA smoothly.

"He's, ah, always had a little trouble with this," Loki says, his lip curling in sardonic amusement as he watches his brother fail to enter repeatedly. He uncomfortably fidgets with the t-shirt and jeans Tony had forced him and Thor into. "And I'll never get used to these limiting clothing choices."

Steve nods knowingly. "I can relate." He turns to his side, expecting Bucky to be standing there nodding as well, but frowns as he remembers where his best friend truly is. "Were we right in leaving Sam and Bucky on kid duty?"

"Yeah," Clint says, watching as Thor once more attempts to walk in, only to stop with his teeth clenched. "Parenting's a privilege, kid."

Natasha rolls her eyes. "Our resident dad speaks wisdom." Clint fakes a punch at her, and she ducks, laughing.

"AHA! I HAVE CONQUERED THIS BEAST OF A DOOR!" Thor has indeed finally jumped through the automatic doors and is standing triumphantly in front of Bruce, who looks like he wishes he could be anywhere other than in the loud Asgardian's face.

"Applause, applause, dear brother," Loki says dryly.

"Aaaaand we're moving on," Tony says briskly, striding over to the escalator that would take them to the main showing areas.

The odd group follows him, some, in particular, having trouble going up the escalator ("WAHOOOEY! WHY IS THIS METAL STAIRCASE MOVING?").


[MEANWHILE]

"What do we do?"

Bucky hands Sam's iPhone over in response. "Call Tony or Clint or Steve... or just someone responsible," he replies.

"Ok." Sam scrolls through his contacts until he reaches "Tony Stank" (the contact name induces a sharp chuckle from Bucky). He then taps the call icon and puts the phone up to his face. Meanwhile, Bucky watches as Willie skips up and down the stairs singing a song under his breath.


[MEANWHILE]

"What is that supposed to be?" Tony says from where he is sitting bean bag-like chair. "A snake lamp?"

"Dunno," Bruce replies, holding the odd looking lamp up to the light to get a better view.

"I BELIEVE IT IS CALLED HO-HO-ARTE," Thor says. Steve shushes him, gesturing at the families and couples perusing different items in their vicinity.

"Bless you," says Wanda. She is sitting at a white desk with Natasha, examining the price tag.

Bruce scratches his neck. "What?"

Grabbing the price tag on the lamp, Thor points to it, saying, "SEE? HO-HO-ARTE." Steve leans in to see what Thor is talking about, as does Bruce.

"Wait," Bruce exclaims. "Are you saying the name of the designer? Like, um, it says hart-"

"- HO-HO-ARTE."

"Ohhhkay," Tony cranes his neck to take a look, too. The price tag has the word "HÃ…RTE" printed on it in black bold capital letters. "So you can read Swedish."

"I believe Swedish stems from the Asgardian language, actually," Loki interjects, walking over as well.

"No it doesn't," says Tony.

"It does."

"Doesn't!"

Loki lets out a sigh and mutters something along the lines of 'foolish mortal'.


[MEANWHILE]

"He's not picking up," Sam says, shoving his phone into his pocket.

"Damn," Bucky says. He gives Willie a playful growl as the little boy runs past him into the living room. Sam and Bucky turn to each other and both shrug, smiling.


[MEANWHILE]

"Ok, so you're saying that I'm wrong," Tony is saying to Loki, who has his arms crossed. Wanda is watching the pair a little apprehensively. All the others are looking through the various chairs that IKEA is showcasing.

"Guys, guys, guys," Clint says, stepping in. "Let's just focus on what we're doing here, ok? Tony? Tell me why we're here."

"To buy furniture for Willie," Tony says in a flat tone.

"Right," Clint continues. "I'm getting tired of having to monitor your goddamn little spats, alright? Act your age."

Tony grimaces and gets up from the beanbag. "You're right, Clint." Loki jumps as Tony claps him on the back.

They all start to walk down the designated path again.

Natasha lags behind with Clint. "Parenting skills, eh?" she says to him cheerfully.


[MEANWHILE]

Sam and Bucky have a plan.

But it requires Bucky leaving the mansion and going to the store - which he absolutely hates. What's not to hate? The customers all stare at his arm, and sometimes the sickeningly bright lights make him dizzy. Plus getting accustomed to the overcrowded streets is harder than expected, and Bucky is always getting lost.

"Just walk down the block, make a left, buy some cookies and then come straight back," Sam instructs Bucky. They are both standing in front of the door, the dim light casting shadows across the empty hall preceding it. Bucky swallows and looks down at the dollar bills he's holding in his hand. "Oh! And watch out for Miss Gregory's bulldog," Sam adds. "He's mean."

"Ok," Bucky says, groaning inwardly.

"Ok," Sam repeats.

"Yeah, ok," Bucky says once more.

"Well are you going to go now, or what?"

"Oh." Bucky turns and opens the door. "Bye."

"Bye!" Willie says, having popped up next to Sam. Both men startle at the sight of his half-naked self. Sam quickly pushes the boy away from the open door, horrified that the neighbours might see him like that.

Bucky gives Sam a wild-eyed look and quickly walks away.


[MEANWHILE]

A large metal cart loaded with boxes of unwrapped furniture weaves its way through the throng of people, pushed by Tony. Wanda smiles apologetically at the people that he hollers "EXCUSE ME" to. Natasha and Bruce walk leisurely behind them, voicing their hopes that things are alright at the compound so far, Bruce with his hands clasped behind his back and Natasha deftly dodging the careening carts.

Loki waves his hands vigorously in the air as he and Clint discuss armour and bulletproof Kevlar vests. They slowly push another cart, this one full of various kitchen supplies and random doohickeys that Clint claimed he needed (although, really, it was only because he thought it was funny when Tony's face turned bright red as he lectured Clint about wasting money on stupid stuff).

Steve and Thor are in the bathroom...


[MEANWHILE]

"Make a left, make a left, make a left," Bucky mutters to himself as he walks down the sidewalk. The people of Manhattan pay him no special attention, which he appreciates greatly. "Or maybe it was make a right? No, no, it make a left. Definitely, make a left. Or maybe..."

He pauses in front of the intersection. Nods resolutely to himself.

Then he turns right.


[MEANWHILE]

"Do you want to watch 'My Little Pony'?" Willie asks jumping up and down in front of Sam.

"No."

"It's fun, I promise!"

"No."

Creeeeeaaaaaak

Willie stops jumping, looking scared. "Uncle Sam, what was that?"

Sam doesn't know, but he doesn't admit it either. "Aw, it's probably just this old house."

"I thought it was built in 2014," the little boy says cautiously. "That's only a little while ago."

Shocked, Sam says, "How'd you know that?"

Willie points to one photograph on the wall. It's of Tony and Steve giving a thumbs-up to the camera, while Thor has Loki in a headlock in the background. Natasha is crouching on the ground, nailing something down. Clint is showing Wanda a blueprint. The small label reads "construction time = fun time - 2014".

Sam looks at Willie more closely. He's definitely smarter than he led on. The child inches closer to him.

Creeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaak

They both start and sprint into the living room and shut the door, Willie surprisingly out running Sam's long legs.


[MEANWHILE]

Thor washes his hands next to a scruffy looking black-haired boy, who looks beat up and tired. After casting one last glance at the teen, Thor exits the bathroom.

Steve is waiting outside, leaning on the wall, taking a nap. His face looks scrunched up as if he is trying to remember something in his sleep. Thor tiptoes up to Steve, about to scare him. The man takes a deep breath in, and is about to blow on Steve's face, when suddenly a loud crash rings from the bathroom.

Flailing his arms, Steve wakes up. He flinches once more when he finds Thor right next to his face.

"AHHAHAHHHAHHAHHHAAA," Thor laughs.

A black pomeranian scampers out of the bathroom, the black-haired teen right on its heels. The lanky green-eyed teenager threatens the small dog with what seems like a tennis racket to Steve. "Come back here and apologise like a woman, Mrs O'Leary!"

"Put down your sword, young one," Thor exclaims. Steve furrows his brows, extremely confused. Thor continues, putting out a hand towards the boy. "And restrain your monster!" Steve scratches his head in bewilderment as the boy grabs the dog by her scruff and pulls her away from Thor.

"What is your name? You have spirit!" Thor says.

"Percy. Percy Jackson."

"Well, son of Jack.." Thor scratches his stubbly chin, then hands over a business card. It reads Avengers. Manhattan. NY. "If ever you feel a need to fight otherworldly beings, give us a call."

"Uh," Steve asks. "Where'd that come from?" He's ignored.

Percy looks over the card then gives it to the Pomeranian to eat. It chews on it savagely, glaring at Steve all the while. Steve gulps.

"I think I've had enough fighting monsters, thanks," the teen says.

"PERCY! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE?!" A girls voice emanates out of the bathroom.

"But-but that's the... that's the men's bathroom, right?" Steve splutters, utterly lost.

"Coming Annabeth, sorry," the black-haired teen calls back. He grins.

Then he retreats back into the bathroom with the dog.

[TO BE CONTINUED...]


AN: Hey guys, here are some answers to the questions I know I'm going to receive: So no, it's not going to turn into a crossover, don't worry. :) I just thought it would be funny to have a little cameo thrown in here because, hey, it's Manhattan, right? Also, Steve can't see through the Mist...

And I cut this episode into two, because it turned out wayyyy too long while I was writing it haha. Again, please please leave a review and tell me how I'm doing. Bad news is better than no news in this case.