Oh my god, I had such a fangirl moment the other day. It was scientist day and this guy on the bus dressed up like Tony, and I just about died, even though it wasn't actually him. I kept giving him these creepy half smiles and then looking away, because-well, I didn't really know him and I was staring at him like a stalker...

Anyway, this incident made me realize that if I ever met the actual Robert who plays Tony, I will die of a screaming orgasm on the spot.

Which would be really embarrassing.

Enjoy.


Everything was going as planned, even if he was a little late.

Dr. What's-His-Face had started building the machine on top of Stark towers without him, and this made him really moody and pouty until he remembered he could kill him with one of those weird giant worm things once the portal opened.

Suitably cheered, he wandered into Tony's penthouse, mentally preparing a list of speeches he would give after he had been crowned Supreme King of all Things Awesome. Hmm. He liked the sound of that.

His smirk was fixed firmly on his thin lips when he entered the room through the balcony looking over the city. At least, that is, until he noticed someone was already there, rummaging through the refrigerator in Stark's kitchen. His brow creased, and stalked forward with a vengeance.

"Hey!"

The figure jerked, bumping their head against one of the shelves they were digging through. "Ouch!"

Oh gods.

Anyone but her.

She pulled her head out of the refrigerator with a scowl, rubbing the back of her skull and holding a carton of milk. "You know, for a multi-billionaire, Tony really has no taste. Soy milk. Despicable." She shook her head in disappointment, but carried the 'soy milk' over to the bar, where she began pouring herself a glass.

Loki scowled at her. "How did you get here?"

"Very carefully." She said. "And you took forever to show up. I had to wait, like...almost five whole minuets before you got your lazy green ass over here."

His scowl deepened. "Are you not too old to be drinking milk? What are you, some kind of mewling child?"

"The very best kind." She smiled.

"How did you get here before me?" He asked again, gripping his staff tightly. He wondered, briefly, if she would disappear before he tried to shoot her if he didn't look away from her this time.

"Duh. I left before you." She rolled her eyes. "Now come over here and have a glass. A growing dictator needs three square meals a day."

"I don't want a glass of milk!" He shouted. "You will leave the premises at once and stop following me, or I will destroy you in the most horrible way imaginable!"

"Ooo, he has Oreos!" Valkyrie squealed, rummaging through the cupboards and completely ignoring him.

Loki slapped himself in the face.

"I left mine on the helicopter." She continued, opening the package and taking out a stack of the substance known as 'Oreos'. "I hope Dr. Banner likes them. He should be here in an hour or so."

"Why the hell did you help him anyways?" Loki said. "He is my enemy. If you were trying to stop me by using the beast, you will be sadly disappointed."

She raised an eyebrow. "How do you know I'm not gathering all your enemies in one place so you can kill them in one foul swoop?"

"If you were truly trying to help me, you would hang yourself." He said dryly.

"Sorry. I used all the rope hanging your minions." She said, smiling. "Go look in Tony's shower, you wouldn't believe how many body's can fit in there." She gave a suggestive eyebrow wriggle.

He looked at her. Looked at her some more. "I did not want to know how many bodies fit in Stark's shower. Really, I didn't. I'm considering pouring what you humans call 'acid' on my brain to erase the image that just put in my head."

"Wow." She blinked innocently. "You have such a perverted mind, Weasel. Who knew?"

Loki scowled, crossing his arms. "And stop calling me a weasel! My name is Loki! Loki! Lord and Supreme Master of All Things, to you."

Valkyrie shrugged and took an Or-e-o, and...what? She dipped it into the milk? This struck the god as an odd thing to do. He studied her closely as she ate it with a relish.

"I thought you were sapost to take them apart first?" Loki asked, glaring suspiciously at her.

"Not when you eat them with milk, stupid! Everybody knows that!" She said, rolling her eyes.

Loki sighed. "What are you doing here?"

"Enriching your life with my my powers of awesomeness." She said casually.

"No. I mean, why are you here? What are you trying to do?" He looked at her, frustrated. "How did you get on S.H.E.I.L.D.'s hehicarrier? They obviously didn't let you on. You knew down to the exact second when those men would come, and you knew where the beast was to land before he landed, and you keep disappearing before I can kill you."

"One day, you will cease questioning the vast and incredible reaches of my mind, and simply accept my every word without question." She said, looking at him. She seemed to lose interest then and started looking around. "Do you see any sticky notes around here?"

"No." He said without emotion. He didn't really know what a sticky note was, anyway.

She began looking through some drawers and cabinets. "Ah. Found some." She exclaimed. "And a pen, too." She glanced at him slyly. "Would you be mad if I drew a Hitler mustache on your face?"

"What is a Hitler?" He asked, confused.

"God, and you call yourself a dictator." She rolled her eyes. He glared.

"For your information, I am a God. An actual God." Loki said, stressing his point. "I don't need to understand your Midguardian customs and phrases to rule you. I am immortal and invincible!"

"Just keep telling yourself that. I'm sure you'll believe it eventually." She said as she scribbled something out on a little square of yellow paper. Loki glared at her as she pulled her message off and stuck it on the counter behind Tony's bar.

"What is that?" He asked suspiciously.

"The key to your ultimate failure." She said seriously. Loki scowled and marched behind the bar, grabbing the note from the counter top.

"15:13?" He asked, confused.

"Yes." She said, snatching the piece of paper from him and sticking it back on the counter.

"What is the meaning of this message?" He demanded.

"None of your bee's guts." She shot back.

"I fail to see what the innards of one of your pathetic Midguardian insects has to do with my question!"

"And that is why you will never succeed at life." She grabbed her glass and cookies and walked away, to the door leading outside. She held the door open and turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. "Come watch the end of the world with me?"

He looked at her, blinked, sighed. "Fine. But if you annoy me, I'm throwing you off the side of the tower."

She shrugged. "Fair enough." Loki followed Valkyrie out onto the terrence, where they walked over to to the rail and looked over the city. There were no screams, no panic, not quite yet. None of the Avengers had made it there yet, so all in all, it was an average city night.

"Your pathetic Midguardian city's are no match for the splendor of Asguard." Loki boasted. "You should be ashamed to allow one such as myself to view your human filth."

"Wow. Aren't you a charmer?" Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "And don't go acting like you can be proud of a place that's disowned you. You don't even live there anymore."

"One day, I shall return." Loki said, clasping a hand to his heart and looking into the distance with starry eyes. "I shall reap havoc and force them to pay for all they have done to me! For it is true," He sniffed a little. "My thought-to-be-Father stole me when I was very young, and left scares in my heart with his lies that have left me a cold, heartless villain, beyond redemption! My brother never loved me, and my Father never trusted me, and-"

"-And whine, whine, whine!" Valkyrie interrupted. "Do you ever stop whining? God, no wonder nobody loved you! You were stuck up your own ass all the time. Your not misunderstood, your not an abused child acting out. Your a titty baby, is what you are. Jeez, get over it already. You guys are immortal, it happened...what? Three, four thousand years ago?"

Loki looked at her coldly, dispassionately. Then, with one hand, he picked her up by the belt and held her over the side of the building, glaring at him like a naughty child about to do something bad.

"If you drop me, I'm going to be so pissed." She said.

"I did warn you." He said tonelessly.

Then he dropped her.

Her curses and swears were loud, heard the whole way down, and dirty enough to put a drunken dwarf to shame. Loki looked over the edge, watching her intently as she became little more that a rapidly disappearing speck, determined to catch her in the act if she disappeared this time.

And then, the inevitable.

He glanced away for a second.

And of course, when he looked back, Valkyrie was gone. Not even a blot on the pavement. "Son of a bitch." The trickster croaked past a dry throat. He picked up the now empty glass lying innocently on the ledge and chucked it over the edge in a fit of childish rage as he stamped his foot and went to meet the Iron Man, who had distracted him from her demise in the first place with his annoying armor making sonic booms as it drew nearer.

He vowed to throw someone else off the tower before this whole thing was over, and by the gods if they didn't die, he was going to be pissed.

...

His suit was almost out of power, the battle was about to begin, and an angry looking god was waiting for him on his balcony.

As you can imagine, this was not Tony Stark's best day ever.

He landed, the machines on his landing pad removing his suit with smooth efficiency. He walked casually inside, as if he didn't have a care in the world. Damn, he needed to stall until he could get his locating bracelets on. he moved to the bar and got himself a glass and a bottle of whiskey, all cool and collected, while Loki made some speech about ruling us all, trading witty banter with the stuck up prick.

"What have I to fear?" The trickster asked, raising an eyebrow and gesturing to the world in general.

"The Avengers." Tony said, pouring himself a drink and trying not to let Loki notice him eying the bracelets on the counter behind the bar.

Loki raised an eyebrow.

Tony rolled his eyes. "That's what we call ourselves. We're sort of like a team." He said. "Earth's mightiest heroes, that type of thing."

"Yes," Loki said, amused. "I've met them."

"Yes, well." Tony said. "It takes us a while to get any traction, I'll give you that. But lets do a headcount-"

He proceeded to list the Avengers, and as he suspected, the god turned away, obviously annoyed, when he mentioned his brother.

"-the demigod. A super soldier, a living legend-"

Tony quickly clicked his cuffs on while Loki was distracted.

"-that kind of lives up to the legend. A man with breathtaking anger management issues-"

Tony gave a brief glance to a piece of yellow paper stuck to the counter as he talked, noticing a message written on it in handwriting that wasn't Pepper's.

"-a couple of master assassins,"

He picked up the note, careful Loki didn't notice him doing so, and read it.

"-and you've managed to piss off every single one of them."

He carefully put the note back, frowning as he glanced at it, and turned his attention back to Loki.

The god smiled. "Yes, that was the plan."

"Not a very smart plan."

After that, the conversation went pretty much as Tony thought it would. Loki acted aloof. Tony made himself sound cool with an amazing speech. Loki threw him out the window, taking a little too much pleasure in the act for the billionaire's comfort. Tony activated his guided suit, all nice and charged, and it homed in on the bracelets he wore.

After that, he could only hover, watching as the portal opened, the rest of the Avengers arrived, and all hell broke loose.


Dr. Banner never specialized in driving helicopters, though he could in an emergency, and he thought this definitely counted. He knew, without really knowing how, that things were about to draw to a head now that Loki had escaped, and he knew the Avengers needed him more than ever. Now, munching on some Oreos he had found in the weirdly coincidental helicopter that janitor had pointed out, he knew he had to get to New York to help.

And how did he know it was all going down in New York, when he wasn't present for Stark's big revelation on Loki's plans after Fury's inspiring speech? Well, it was quite simple really. He was a superhero.

According to Hollywood, it always went down in New York.

Unfourtenetly for him, it was twenty minuets away from the city, burning buildings, and weird flying creatures that he ran out of gas. And of course he just had to land the damn thing in front of an old abandoned gas station, which of course didn't sell helicopter fuel. It was god damn irony, is what it was, and he cursed his luck.

He pulled another Oreo out it's package and frowned, thinking. What was he going to do now? He bit down absentmindedly, only to have his eyes bulge out and his hand to fly up to his mouth to carefully pull a folded price of paper out of his mouth. He blinked at it. Blinked some more. Looked at the cookie he had bitten. The entire note had come out when he took a bite, and now sat, slightly rumpled and cookie covered, in his palm.

What the fuck? He unfolded the note and read it.

Look in the shed out back. The keys are under the back tire.

It was unsigned. He frowned, looked around at the dusty old gas station, and indeed found an old shed out back. He looked suspiciously at the note, then back to the shed. This was too weird. He pried the door open and peered inside wryly.

He blinked. A motorcycle. A slow smile lit up his face. The old bike looked like it had gone through three wars to date, but if he pushed it, he could get there in half the time. Glancing at the note again, he walked behind the bike and felt behind the back tire. There. A key. He pulled it out with blank amazement, and then looked around suspiciously, like he was afraid of being followed.

This was just weird.

The note fluttered to the ground in a dry breeze as he sped away to the battle taking place over New York.


By the way, I do realize some people find the Loki/Valkyrie banter funny, and don't get me wrong, it's sapost to be, but I'd just like to say right here and now that the overall story is not meant to be a comedy.

And yes, at one point in this story I was making satirical fun of the people who do stories of Loki going all 'oh, my life was terrible' and whoever they pair him up with going 'oh, I understand you, because I was once a god from another dimension stuck in the middle ages with a father that stole me from my monster parents and told me I was normal when I was really a freak, so I totally understand where your coming from'.

You know the part.