A/N: And they say cooking is safe.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, but hey, if only I had the ONE RING…
First Trouble
To say that their leader was not very happy to have two hobbits trailing after him would be an understatement. He obviously hated even the idea of having one stone weighting him down on this journey – and now he got two of them!
For a moment Bilbo thought that he may improve the way their leader looked at them by following on what Kili and Fili told him – it seemed like quite easy thing to do, to get their ponies from the trolls, if only it didn't blow up in Bilbo's face so badly that the whole company got captured by the trolls, leaving only the hobbits free.
"So, let's sum things up – the whole company is captured by the trolls and tied up, Gandalf is nowhere to be found at the moment and neither of us has any weapons."
"Well," Bilbo started, "it's not all that long before sunrise – and once the sun touches the trolls, we do not need to worry about the weapons."
"But what should we do to keep them away from killing the company for so long?" worried Viola, before they finally figured it out. They will have to keep the trolls occupied with something only hobbits could talk for hours at end.
Cooking.
"You need to skin them first."
"Absolutely not. Dear masters trolls, do not listen to him. Really, who had ever seen it – skinning how many dwarves?" Viola appeared from the opposite side of troll camp and made a show of turning around wildly, as she 'counted' the dwarves. "One," turn around, "two," another turn, "three…"
"What is that thing doing?" asked one of the trolls, bewildered someone is talking so much in front of them. All of them had been used to have their food screaming – but these two seemed actually quite calm, as they argued about the best way how to cook the dwarves.
"I was counting the dwarves, before you interrupted me," replied Viola crossly. "Now I forgot how many I counted so far. Be quiet for a moment," she ordered them, and the trolls followed on her order, clearly dumbfounded. "One, two, three,…"
After a moment, when she finally finished counting the dwarves, she exclaimed: "Oh my! Thirteen dwarves – no way you would have to skin them, masters trolls. There are better ways how to do that!"
Bilbo immediately jumped to her help. "Of course – although, first you need to find the proper herbs…"
"… and of course, lots and lots of clay," Viola finished with a bright smile.
Both of them exchanged a nervous glance, as they risked a look the way east was. The sun was about to rise, but they still needed to keep trolls attention on themselves, so they wouldn't notice.
"But oh!" exclaimed Bilbo, looking down at the nearest dwarf as if he saw him for the first time. Viola rushed to him, staring at Dwalin. "You can't eat those," she said, turning to face the trolls again.
"Why?" asked one of the trolls, William.
"Because…" Viola looked desperately at Bilbo, who returned it with a desperate glance of his own. "Because they got parasites. In their tubes," he blurted before he could stop himself.
For a moment it seemed the ruse might work, but then Kili yelled, clearly offended. "I have no parasites! You have parasites!"
And from that, the ruse was up.
Gandalf sure had the most convenient timing ever, thought Viola – right before Thorin yelled at both of them for being idiots, who had nothing better to do than to give the trolls some tips about the best way how to cook them, before he stormed off.
Both hobbits looked a bit stunned and hurt at the notion, mumbling something about having no weapons, but then Dwalin and Nori came, making them jump by slapping their shoulders and with smirks congratulated them for quick thinking.
"That was some courage there, to stand there and speak to the trolls as if nothing was happening," said Ori, when he came to join them with Fili and Kili.
Bilbo scratched behind his ear in embarrassment. "Well, outside we may have seemed calm…"
"… but inside, we were running all the way to Shire, screaming," finished Viola with similarly sheepish smile, making the dwarves roar in laughter, before they decided to search through the trolls den and find a secret treasure hidden there.
Both of them were armed when they left, but somehow the knowledge didn't grant them any peace.
