PREFACE: OH MY GOD HELP ME BEFORE I WRITE AGAIN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AAAAAAAH I don't own hellsing. Or any American television shows, as of the moment.
"Walter, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE COPIER!" Sir Integral Hellsing gripped a sheaf of military surplus forms so tightly that the envelope popped open, creating a small explosion of orders, forms, and receipts that rained down like a confusing thunderstorm of bureaucratic nonsense. Integra made several confused, sputtering sounds, then simply put her fist through the window next to her. "WAAAALLLLLTER!"
"Yes?" Walter appeared, handing a hip flask to Integral so easily it must have been reflex. She grabbed the flask with the bloodied, glass-pierced hand, guzzled the whole thing down in one go, and threw it out the window.
"Need-have-smoke." Integra's eyes twitched.
"I'm afraid that's impossible. At the rate you used to smoke, your health would have been destroyed by age 40. However, you will cancel out any health benefits if you simply compensate by drinking more. Did you hear me, Sir Integral?"
She swallowed another mouthful of gin from the bottle hidden behind the radiator. "Nope. Too busy drinking. Hey, where do we keep the bandages?" Integra poured a shot of gin onto her hand.
Walter sighed. "Downstairs, in the kitchen. We used to keep a first aid kit in the bathroom on this floor, but Alucard kept replacing the hydrogen peroxide with alligator urine. The one in the kitchen only survives because he never goes there."
Walter took the bottle of gin from Integra's hand, and deftly moved his intoxicated boss into the elevator. "I still remember how hard it was when I quit smoking." he said. "That was back in the forties. Everyone smoked then, but I had to give it up because of the cost. Fortunately, I had a good friend to carry me through."
"Really?" Integral looked up, slightly tipsy.
"No. Alucard held my head underwater in the toilet and threatened to drown me if I didn't stop. Not because he cared about me. I'm pretty sure he just wanted the extra money for a phonograph."
"Did you eventually get one?"
"Yes, but he tried to open it up to 'find the little people that made it go.' he thought they would be tasty. Alucard was born in the dark ages, so I can't really fault him for not understanding how modern technology works. Does your hand hurt?"
"Probably." Integral answered. "Do you have a hankerchief? I'd rather not get blood on my suit."
"Master!" Alucard's face suddenly appeared from the floor.
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" Integral jumped back. "Why do you have to DO THAT!"
All of Alucard" 6'9 frame slowly drifted up through the floor, as he excitedly blathered to his Master, words running into one another. "I'm famous, Master! People love me! I've been on the internet-well, I told Pip to get on the internet or I wouldn't give him the antidote-and people love me! Lots of them! I haven't felt this adored since the fourteenth century!"
Integra, devoid of Cigars, grabbed a pen from her lapel and chewed on it. The effect was nowhere near as imposing. "Alucard, I thought I told you to stop sending tapes to those people at american idol. You can't sing, Or dance, Or train snakes, or any combination of those skills."
Alucard shook his head. "No, no, it's not about my act-you tube is far more appreciative of that, anyway-but look what I found in a bookstore!" he thrust a paperback volume at Integral. The plain cover read DRACULA, and underneath that by Bram Stoker.
"Somebody wrote a book about me!" he exclaimed. "People love me!"
"I thought you couldn't read." Walter said.
"I can't. books are gay. Except this one, because it's about me!" he said happily.
The elevator dinged, and the door opened. Integral had already chewed through the metal pen, and the gin from earlier was beginning to wear off. "Alucard, have you even read that?"
"No." he replied proudly. "Reading is gay too. I'll make Pip stay up and read it to me. I'll tell him that I won't give him the antidote if he doesn't."
"That's-" Walter began. "Wait, antidote?"
"Oh, right." Alucard said. "Pip swallowed-a…thing that I gave him. You should probably take him to the hospital and have his stomach pumped."
Walter sighed. "Where is he?"
Alucard shrugged. "Last I saw, I told him that if he won at hide and seek I'd bring him to the hospital, and I locked him in the shed. That was…oh…" the no life king scratched his head. "Three hours ago?"
Walter handed Integra another hip flask, then sprinted off down a hallway without another word.
"Yeah, don't get too excited for me or anything. Some friend." Alucard pouted.
"Alucard, hand me that book." Integra ordered.
"Sure. Hey, I bet it's great. Will you read it and tell me about it? Do I have sex in it? With who? Does he talk about how big my-" Alucard's jaw dropped when Integral lit the book on fire, then flung it as far out the window as she could.
"Alucard, did you get your pet alligator out of the pool like I asked you to?"
"No, but-"
"Then do it. Or maybe you'd like to spend a whole week in wolf form? I hear the local vet has a discount for the neutering of large animals." Integra glared.
"Fine! God! All I try to do is raise an exotic carnivore in a pool-that I built, by the way-and everyone gets all huffy. It's like you don't like a little danger with your swimming or something!" Alucard phased through the wall, still mumbling vague threats.
Integral pulled a shard of glass out of her hand with her teeth, and wondered if Walter had the foresight to store some Brandy with the first aid kit…
Seras wandered back from the van, an enormous case of 30mm anti-tank ammunition in her arms. As she came to the door to Walter's "office" (really a garage, converted to accommodate hand loading and gunsmithing equipment) she moved the huge case effortlessly to one arm as she fumbled in her miniskirt pocket for the keys.
"Darn miniskirts, small pockets-where did I put those keys? Why does my uniform have to be so small?" she mumbled. "Why can't I have pants like everyone else?"
Alucard's face grew out of the door knocker. "Police girl!"
"AAAH!" Seras dropped the huge chest of ammo-unfortunately, on her foot. "OW!"
"Come on, don't be such a whiny brat. You have two feet, you can afford to lose one." Alucard shifted the huge chest like flipping a beetle on its back, then picked his fledgling up with the same amount of effort. "Come, Seras, I must show you something. I've prepared a little surprise for our Sir Integra…" he laughed, and any small animals on the grounds with decent hearing had little heart attacks.
"Oh, Vicodin and Gin. You make the best couple. Maybe you should get married! And then I would eat your children. They would be called VicoGin…" The great and mighty Sir Integral Hellsing woozily strode down the path to look at her unkept, ugly garden, for no other reason than the idea of looking at the crude, violent society of rabid, cannibalistic raccoons that had taken up residence there somehow appealed to her.
Integra skipped gaily through the gate, then tripped over the half-eaten corpse of a turkey that had the misfortune to wander in there. "Hi, mister turkey! Walter says I have a drinking problem. What bullshit! Only drinkin' problem I got is when I run out of whiskey! Asshole." Integra cuddled with the dead thing, ignoring the insects crawling up the sleeves and pant legs of her expensive suit. "You won't tell me I have a problem, will you? Wow, I can really feel the blood loss. I wonder if I can make new blood out of bourbon."
A relatively small(dog-sized) raccoon, with enough foam around its mouth to bathe a small kitten, tentatively approached the big bunny-thing covered in bugs. Perhaps it was edible.
"Oh, mister turkey." Integral said, sitting cross-legged with the newly christened Mr. Turkey in her lap, "You won't forget my birthday, will you? Everyone else did. I'm human too, you know…I have feelings…" The small raccoon bit down on the back of Integra's head, hard. Integral acted quickly, swinging her turkey around the back of her head to knock the raccoon away like a baseball. Unfortunately, her deceased feathered friend came apart at the seams as it hit, spreading feathers, flesh and bone like a fine blanket over poor sir Integra.
"Mister turkey!" she called out. "No!" she scrambled to collect the pieces of her poor friend. "I'll never forget your sacrifice, old friend. But wait!" she stopped, never even for a moment wondering why she was talking to a dead, dismembered turkey, "We can rebuild you! We have the technology! Well, Walter does. Look out, mister turkey, you just might make it!" Integral raced across the grounds, two thousand pound suit covered in blood and bugs, an armful of turkey bits in her hands.
"Walter, look what I built!" Integral exclaimed, pointing to the monstrosity on the dining room table.
Walter adjusted his glasses. "You have some foam on your mouth."
Integral wiped it away, taking a moment to chew on a beetle she found in her hair. "Look! He's my new friend."
"Sir Integral," Walter began, "That appears to be a dead…turkey, with popsicle sticks and duct tape enhancements."
"And a dildo." Integral added proudly.
"Yes." Walter stared for a few seconds. "Why?" was the only word that could exit his lips.
"Because he was my best friend, and I had the technology to rebuild him, so I did."
"Technology?"
"Duct tape can fix anything. Also, did you know that Gin and Vicodin are married now?" Integral asked, quite seriously.
"Where?" Walter asked.
"My belly!" Integra giggled, then collapsed. "I need a smoke." she said, in all seriousness, chewing lightly on the carpet, foaming a bit at the mouth.
"No, you don't. I took the liberty of asking Alucard to gather all of the hidden cigars in the house. And every cigar or tobacco product within two miles. And yes, he even bought up the stock from your favorite tobacconist's. No more smoking." he wiped a little foam and blood from Integral's chin. "I guess we'll have to start on the drinking next."
Integral make an acquiescing sound. "I guess so…" And leaned into Walter. "You have a lot of problems, Integra, but you have people to help you. You have friends. Like me. And Seras. And…." Walter drew a blank. "Um…."
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
A huge dump truck backed up into the driveway. And past, into the lawn. And through the front wall of Integral's mansion.
"What the…what?" Integra asked.
Then, the bed of the vehicle raised itself, and a torrent of cigars, pipes, cigarettes, and various tobacco products landed in Integra's living room.
Alucard swung his way out of the driver's seat. "HAPPY FUCKIN' BIRTHDAY!" he called out, then threw a lit match onto the pile of tobacco, which happened to smell slightly like lighter fluid.
"Shit." said Walter.
The whole mansion filled with smoke. Alucard had apparently added a few quick-burn logs and some charcoal to the pile, and the fire spread across the house with ease. The sprinklers came on-aided by Seras with a garden hose-and the fire soon faded into what Integra thought was beautiful, beautiful smoke.
"It's….so….wonderful…" Integral fell face first into the burning pile of soggy tobacco. "It's like heaven…" she swam in the enormous, disgusting pile like a happy child in a ball pit. "Haaaapppppyyyy…."
"I hope you realize that you're a horrible person." Walter said to Alucard.
"Yep." Alucard replied, unperturbed. He stuffed his mouth with fistfuls of meat and popsicle sticks. "Mmm. Good turkey."
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Happy Birthday, Sir Integra! You now have rabies.
