I drove like a maniac around the streets for quite some time, until I came to a small dirt road which led into the forest outside of town. I drove slowly until I came upon a clearing. There I went out of the car and walked around, watching the stars above, trying to make sense of what had happened earlier.
Truth be told, his revelation filled me with both wonder and dread. I had after all, been fighting the same feelings as he had for me for several years. It had been the reason I had left for Stanford in the first place, because I thought Dean would never return my sick and psychotic love. He couldn´t possibly feel the same way I did?
Yet, after all, he had kissed me, crossed the line. Fear flooded me at the realization that after this, there was no going back. From this moment on, everything was changed. It was what had kept me from revealing my feelings for Dean years ago. Well, that and the risk of being shot point-black by Dad in case he had ever found out. Now, Dean had been the one to intiate the fateful final step. We would never go back to being brothers.
I went back to the Impala and lay down on the hood of the car, looking up at the stars. I had become the master of disguise at a very young age, lying to myself and those around me, pretending that the feelings that ran so deep in me did not exist. Yet, they were a part of me now, just like he was. Another foolish part of me had always believed that if I never acted on the emotion, that it would simply vanish.
No such luck!
I sighed as I realized that there was only one option open to me; I had to return and speak to Dean, try to resolve this in some way. I therefore arose, got back in the car and drove back to the inn.
When I came in, Dean was lying in one of the beds, the room was dark. I walked up to his bed, reached out and touched his bare shoulder. "Dean?" I whispered through the darkness, not expecting an answer.
"Go to bed, Sammy," came the reply, a commanding and irritated tone which I did not dare to disobey. I crawled into the other bed but sleep eluded me that night, as it did Dean.
I awoke at dawn the next morning, and looking over saw that Dean was finally fast asleep. I dressed and went to the coffee shop on the corner for some coffee and doughnuts, a necessary breakfast if you are a Winchester. I walked back in the beautiful morning sunshine, watching the kids play in the gardens, old men playing chess on the porch and women hanging out the laundry while a dog barked in the distance. I wondered at the fact how the world seemed the same, and yet for me, it never would be. There was within me a sense of petrifying loss and yet, terrifying sanity. While something was ending, perhaps at the same time, something else might begin?
When I reached the motel my brother was sitting at the table in the middle of the room, his face hidden in his hands. He looked up at my entrance and ran towards me, and when he came closer, it looked like he might embrace me, but he didn´t, stopping himself just in time.
Dean spoke first. "When I awoke and you were gone, I thought..." My brother could not even finish the sentence.
"I am not going anywhere, Dean," I responded, apparently perfectly calm as I shut and barred the door, afterwards taking a sip of my coffee before handing him his cup and the doughnuts. Dean went to place them on the table, then turned and leaning back against the table, crossed his arms and took me in.
"You are not disgusted or even surprised," he observed. It was as statement rather then a question and I could not help but smile. Nobody knew me better then him.
"I have known for a long time, Dean." As I spoke, I realized I had known for a long time. It was the reason he had come for me when Dad went missing. It had been the reason I had agreed to go, Dad had nothing to do with it.
My brother ran a hand through his shorn, dark locks. "I am sorry for last night, Sammy."
I raised an eyebrow. "Why should you be?"
Dean started pacing back and forth across the room in front of me. "Because I am sick, Sammy. I am supposed to protect you, like I have always done. But now, you need protection from me." He reiterated how sorry he was.
"I am not. Dean, don't be such a pussy and eat your doughnuts." At the mention of food, my brother stopped pacing and sat down to eat. I mimicked his action, taking the seat opposite his.
Dean kept gazing at me, as if he was trying to assess my next move, like a player does during a chess game. I, however, was giving nothing away and ate silently, despite his questioning gaze.
"Where do we go from here?" he asked me once the coffee was cold and the doughnuts had disappeared.
I shrugged my shoulder as I gazed over at my brother. "I don't know."
He narrowed his eyes at me. "You aren't leaving?"
"No. Like I said, I am not going anywhere."
It took a moment for Dean to comprehend my response, but then he nodded in acceptance and a flicker of relief danced through his eyes. It was his worst fear, after all. Being abandoned. Me and Dad were the only thing that had ever mattered to him. Now he was gone and there was only me left.
"Look, we are on a job now, and that should take priority."
I could see the small ray of hope that had been burning in his eyes had now disappeared and they grew cold again. No doubt he feared that I would either leave after the hunt, or was using it as an excuse to delay the refusal of his offer of love.
"Yet," I added after a few moments of penetrating silence, "that does not mean we can´t discuss the matter once this is done."
The hope flying in the air had returned, this time stronger then before.
"Does this mean that perhaps...?" Dean never managed to finish his question, even though I knew what he was asking. He wanted to know if I could ever consider...
Dean´s phone rang, the inevitable rock tune assaulting our ears. He reached for it and answered.
"Hello...Yes, of course I remember, it is good to hear from you...You have some information about the house...Can we meet now? Where are you?...Okay, I will see you there." My brother ended the call.
"Who was that?" I wondered aloud, phrasing the question before I could stop myself.
"A guy, Tommy, that I met at the bar last night. He said he had some information on the case.
As I sat there wondering who this guy could possibly be and whether I needed to be afraid of the competition, Dean arose from his chair and grabbed his leather jacket from the bed and the keys from the counter.
When I did not follow because I did not know whether he wanted me to trail along, he turned in the doorway. "You coming, Sammy?"
I had to go behind enemy lines to discover the truth. As I hurried out the door after Dean, I prayed to God Tommy was over fifty with a bald head and so fat that he had not been able to see his dick for twenty years.
