Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters nor do I own the plot from Stephenie Meyer's book "Twilight". I do not own the song "Too much of not Enough" from Silverchair. I do not own any of the following quotes:
1 Chapter 9. Theory, page 156, line 11
2 Chapter 10. Interrogations, page 184, line 31
3 Chapter 10. Interrogations, page 185, line 1
Bella is suffering an illness, which she hides from Edward. Afraid that she will cause him too much grief she moves out to Florida with her mother. Edward thinks she will return in three weeks, but then he finds out why she really is in Florida and he is none too happy about it. E&B of course!
Thank you to all my reviewers. You guys are a big encouragement and motivation.
Hi guys,
I know this took like five days to get out and I'm really sorry. I've just been busy and hassled by preparing for university and other activities. Hopefully you'll forgive me with this chapter.
TOO MUCH OF NOT ENOUGH
BY A.K.A ETTIE
Edward
I was oblivious to the outside world. I collapsed into myself, into my own little world where Bella was in the backseat chatting animatedly about school. No matter how hard I tried imagining Bella riding with us the ache in my heart did not cease. I had to let go. I had to stop fooling myself and I had to be strong. But I felt so very weak.
"Edward what are you thinking?" Alice asked. I didn't feel like an interrogation, but she was relentless to know as she kept repeating her question the volume getting louder and louder. She was angry. Usually I would understand, but at the moment I wasn't in an understanding mood. Heaving a sigh I jumbled together what words I could possibly identify with the pain I felt. "You want to know what I'm thinking?" Impatient I continued without an answer "I'm trying to measure the pain, agony, torture, frustration and sadness. I realize it's immeasurable. I wish she – Bella – told me. We promised to never keep secrets from each other. I kept my word, obviously she didn't keep hers." My words came out in quick harsh tones. I couldn't help but think back to when I drove Bella from that Italian restaurant in Port Angeles when Bella muttered, "I thought we were all past the evasiveness1". "I thought we were too." I whispered.
"Pardon?" Alice asked.
"Nothing." My voice was stern, "Why didn't I notice? Why didn't she TELL ME?" I was absolutely furious. I wanted to kick something, however I thought better. "She's dying and there's nothing I can do."
"That's a lie Edward and you know it. When we get to her mother's you can save her. The only reason that you won't be able to do anything is if you choose to do that - nothing. She wanted to be changed, yet you didn't want that. Do you still want that now?"
"Please Alice." I pleaded. Her eyes closed and I knew she was having a premonition. Her brows furrowed in concentration committing everything to memory. "Alice?" I whispered. I looked out the windshield making sure we weren't driving off the highway. She tensed and her knuckles turned white as her grip tightened on the steering wheel.
I didn't like what I was observing. I tried to wait patiently, but the last of my endurance was tethering on the edge. "She cares the most." Alice stated. I looked at her in confusion. "She's in her old bedroom. White curtains, blue bedspreads, book shelves." I looked at her scathingly. She sighed heavily.
"She's writing a letter. I only caught a glimpse. It said that she cared the most. Edward she's barely even there. When I meant she was writing a letter she was dictating it to her mother. She can hardly even speak." On the last word her voice broke unshed tears threatened to spill. I read her mind as I covered my face in my hands my head falling back onto the headrest. I was utterly drained feeling so lonely I could hardly imagine what my angel could be feeling. And for that I felt so helpless.
Bella
I wanted badly to talk to Edward, but I couldn't let him hear me in the shape I was in. My voice was shallow making it impossible to hear me from anywhere but up close. I stopped eating. I didn't see the point in it helping me in any way. Tonight I was going to say good-bye to Charlie and Renée…I guess Phil too. I would say another good-bye to Edward and his family as well. Renée helped me write a letter. She was very patient as I struggled for the strength to say the words. I remembered what we had argued about one time in the school cafeteria. I recalled the memory as Renée wrote it on paper. "I did have to make that decision, my number was already up before I met you. I guess it was true when you said that you were fighting fate to save me. I know-," I stopped pausing for composure. "Mum could we just stop for awhile I'm feeling dizzy all of a sudden."
"Of course Bella," Renée tried to mask the constant worry under a smile.
"Thanks." My eyes already closed I tried to focus on my breathing. It was a constant struggle to. I asked myself if I should have just given up already. Knowing that that wasn't me I persisted.
I dwelled upon the memory, which I had last said relating to the letter. I remembered how stubborn I was in the cafeteria. I would never in a million years if I hadn't been diagnosed say good-bye and good riddens to such a beautiful angel. That's what I had thought. "Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most, because if I can do it – if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."
"And you don't think I would do the same?"
"You'd never have to make the choice.2" I don't think it was a matter of who cared the most. It was just a decision that had to be made in a certain series or leading up to one particular event. I did do it and it was the right thing to do. I hurt myself. The feeling of pain incomprehensible that sometimes I really wished I did end my life back in Phoenix. But as the saying goes ''Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all' I was thankful that I was able to love someone with all of my being and for it to be returned. A parting gift you could say from someone above. I was philosophical. I chuckled at myself in my mind at the thought of it, of me being of all things.
I continued to think on it. I replayed what Edward had said "If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself…3" If leaving was the right thing to do shouldn't it make you happy? Happy that the one you love is safe. I guess that comes after the hurt, but I'll never know will I? I was bound to go in maybe a day or two. I always liked to be certain about something. To get down to the bottom of it…hadn't I done that with Edward? But this was one thing I did not want to get down to the bottom of – to be sure about dying. And then in some dimension in my mind I had imagined Edward coming to my side his lips to my neck sinking his teeth into the exposed flesh. That would never happen. Edward was one of those rare people to break their word. As ready as I was to go I wish that Edward had changed me during prom night.
Edward
Time was going so slow. We arrived at the airport in Seattle waiting for our plane to board. Usually time doesn't matter to me. To creatures - monsters like me time is nothing if you live forever. But it mattered so much to me at this moment and it mattered a lot to Bella. By the end of the ten hour flight I had no doubt that I would be bouncing off the walls. Not able to sit I paced trying to get it out of my system since I had to remain seated for ten hours. But I knew it wouldn't help. I watched as our flight slowly crept up the boarding flights board. After two excruciatingly long hours Alice and I boarded the plane.
We walked down the fuselage to the back of the plane. Hopefully the sound of the engine would drown out my thoughts. I let myself in first beside the window. I stared out at the bright red lights along the runway under the dark night sky. The plane started to reverse, lining up with the runway for take off. My eyes traveled to the streamlined wing of the plane as I watched and heard the hydraulics of the aerolons shift. I was always fascinated by the engineering side of planes. However, funnily enough I hated flying. I realized a number of people on this flight too shared my discomfort. For some strange reason that I couldn't explain I was slightly terrified of flying. I almost thought I had let my mind trail along with nonsense, but it traveled to Bella. She would laugh at my fear and then consciously try and comfort me. She would hold her hand in mine and the other would rest on my knee. I would put my arm around her and by reflex she would nestle deeper into my side resting her head into the crook of my shoulder. I could see her looking up at me a wide smile on her face. Maybe even say "Nothing to worry about." And then she would kiss the corner of my chin softly, slowly and I would sigh in contentment. Nothing would worry me then besides the obvious fact of looking after her. That would be her Lois Lane moment. I couldn't help but smile in my innocent fantasy. The engine roared as we picked up speed and suddenly we were off the ground heading to Jacksonville – to Bella.
Alice
My body tense I closed my eyes trying to loosen up. But it was too bizarre to even try in the current situation. You wouldn't be able to – 'loosen up' that is – if a person or the person for Edward was going to be lost to the world because we could be too late to save her. I shuddered involuntary at the thought. Bella and I had become very close friends. She made me feel human. I don't know if it was because she was the first human I was ever around a lot or because she had this innate ability for the people she was around to feel alive or for us (vampires) human. I was leaning toward the latter. That was just Bella for you. Her sarcasm, humor, perceptiveness and kindness couldn't help but instantly suck you into liking her. You wouldn't want to change her like you do some people even if she was a magnet for trouble. I was interrupted from my train of thought. "Excuse me, would you like something to drink?" the flight attendant asked me. "We have orange and apple juice, water, Coke or Sprite."
"No, thank you." I said politely. Edward declined as well.
I closed my eyes again thinking it best to put off my questions for Edward as I'm sure he read my mind, he sighed. After ten hours I would be just short of a certified loony. I'm sure he predicted what I would be like after the flight and I felt sorry for Edward already. Staying in one spot for more than an hour had me on edge that's why I would always leave half way through lunch. I already felt restless and Edward could tell. He tried to prolong the silence between us by turning toward the window, ignoring me.
Bella
"Mum, Dad, Phil I'd like to say good-bye." With all the strength I could muster I uttered these words barely audible. "Don't you dare." I heard Charlie's voice. I couldn't open my eyes properly since I was too tired to. Through slits I saw Charlie mad with worry and also angry. My mother was crying silently clutching onto Phil. "Kiddo…don't say that…" Phil at a loss for words trailed off. Renée was suddenly beside me, gripping my hand tightly as her hand smoothed the hair way from my face. "Honey, Baby, Sweetheart please don't say that. Please don't." she sobbed and I felt so bad for causing that pain. I had no idea what it would be like to loose your own flesh and blood, but I was guessing it was similar to feeling the loss of a lifetime lover. "Mum, I'm sorry I really am. But I'm sick of waiting. I don't want to wait any longer. I just feel so…" I trailed off too weak to finish. "Bells?" I heard Charlie call but he seemed so far away. I tried to call out to him, but I couldn't. My lungs felt heavier than usual, more like they were made of lead than soft tissue. "Bella? BELLA!" Renée cried frantically I felt her shake me. I tried to move to give her some signal that I was still with them, but I was slowly giving in. I couldn't imagine anymore what Charlie or Renée would be doing as my mind went blank. However I fought to think of Edward. We shared our last embrace in my mind. We held each other, my hands around his neck and his arms around my waist. We kissed our last kiss and I savored every sensation that I felt. His cold lips, his intoxicating breath, his roaming hands on back. And then the finale. His devastatingly, boyish smile that left me impossibly more breathless. And then I let go. I was finally asleep…forever.
Alice
"No," I whispered. "No, no, no." I echoed as a numb feeling washed over me. I was shocked, yet the tears came freely. Edward turned to me.
Edward
"No. It's not true. She's not dead." But as I said it tears trailed down my face.
"I'm sorry Edward."
"IT'S NOT TRUE." I roared my teeth bared. I forgot I was on a plane. Passengers turned their heads in the direction of Alice and me. One of the flight attendants asked us to be quiet. "It's not true." I kept repeating my voice strained for composure. "Alice…please tell me it isn't true." My voice broke as I sobbed. I collapsed onto Alice for comfort. She hugged me like a sister would. "I'm so sorry Edward. Bella is gone." She whispered trying to convince the both of us. My body rocked with stifled sobs. Bella can't be gone. She can't be. We were so happy two weeks ago. We were laughing with each other, holding hands, saying 'I love you' and it was all over.
One minute ago I lost the love of my life forever. The one thing that held no other truer meaning in my life was gone. And it was my fault. My fault. I'm sorry Bella, but you'll never know that.
Well I hoped you liked the last chapter of 'Too much is not Enough'. It was a pleasure writing it…jokes! As if I'd leave it there. That would be so horrible! Again I'm sorry it took so long to get PART III finished and posted. Please let me know what you think of this chapter and I hope you forgive me for the cliffie if it was really annoying! Stay tuned for PART IV of 'Too much is not Enough'.
