First of all, I would like to say thank you.

Thank you.

Because you guys are awesome. Seriously, this is probs the best community around on this site. No idiots, no arrogant dicks. Just sound, well educated and funny people.

I was honestly expecting some of you to rip into my ass while proclaiming "NO! THIS IS WRONG YOU FUCKING CASUL! DARK SOULS II, NOT KNIGHT SOULS, IS A GREAT GAME! GIT GUD GIT GUD GIT GUD!"

I'm really sorry for doubting you for a second there. How could I have been so silly?

I love you all.

And here, have a chapter without me cussing my ass off.

Knight Souls: Why it's GOOD! (ZOMG IMPOSSIBRU)

#1. The Visuals.

This game is eye candy. I LOVE IT. Every environment looks and feels gorgeous, even the gutter, which was intended to look shit, still look great. I have read a few reviews saying that the visuals look great but in places it looks blocky and outdated...

What?

It may be because I am on PC, but I have only found one model that looks weird and that's the hawk-headed statues in the Tower of Flame zone. I'm pretty sure that was intentional. Not sure if console has it worse.

It's a real shame they couldn't have the torch be of better use, but they did say that if they did the game would run like Blighttown wherever you go.

A legit reason. Eugh, anything but that place. Still, the lighting is great, really like the look of some areas with nothing but the dust being highlighted with the sun.

#2. The armour and weapon designs

I LOVE the new armour designs, well, some of them anyway. Alva's set, Heide's set, King's set to name a few. They all look fantastic and look as if made with loving care and tears from a unicorn.

Finally, they implemented CLOTH PHYSICS! FUCKING A PLUS, MAN. Now it's a damn shame you can't get the Ornstein set any more...

Of course, it never hurts to see returning armour sets. Elite Knight, Hunter set, even Havel's...

But hey, the Dark set is all that matters. That's right bitches. Caboose is god-damn back. And he's even better thanks to working dual-wield mechanics, and of course, the Vanquisher's Seal, punching Nashandra right in the teeth.

But I think my favourite set out of them all... is the Dragon Torso Set.

So. Damn. Sexy.

And look, I know the weapon move sets are kinda garbage in this, but you have to admit, they all look awesome in there own way.

And my god, the Greatsword looks fucking beast. A sadly unappreciated weapon in DaS, the Greatsword makes a triumphant return as one of the best starting weapons around.

In DaS, the Zweihander was 'better' since the R1/RT was 'better'. I didn't think so. It was so obvious and parry-able it was hilarious to watch would be Giant Dads get wrecked by my Iaito master skills.

The Greatsword's thrust attack poise broke a guy in Full HAVELS. No joke. It was monstrous.

Zwei is ugly in my honest opinion.

Knight Souls made Tarkus proud by making it even bigger, and leaving the Zwei behind because it sucks in the latest instalment. Honestly, the Zwei is so weak in this compared to the monster that is the Greatsword.

And that's not the only weapon that looks great. Master-don Greatsword is a true beast, Berserker Blade looks awesome. Ladle is amazing. Gyrm Great Hammer looks bad-ass with it's "Fuck yo conventional weaponry. ANVIL!"

Kudos to the art team for the designs.

#3 Twinblades and Lances.

This may seem trivial to you, but seeing these brought a tear to my eye.

Waves of nostalgia hit me as I swung these things around. My child-hood returned to me for a few hours. It was bliss. The years of my young life on Phantasy Star Online came back to me to say 'Hi.'

It was awesome to see From implement these. My time on PSO was spent wielding these because of the ridiculous and bad-assery of them back then. DAT DPS. Six hits in under a second and a half, dealing over thousands of damage.

If only they were better in Knight Souls... Still, very good for the poison build up.

Now the Lance. Specifically, the Grand Lance.

OH MUH JEEZUS. DAT B GUD. DAT B 2 GUD.

Everyone ignores it because it's base damage is pretty low yes... until you get a counter and doing over a thousand damage. It's beauty in a nut shell. Or a Geisteel Lance that will promptly tear you a new one. And the jumping attack is so, SO, damn powerful it can take off a huge chunk of health in most cases on most enemies, if not out right kill them.

It's AMAZING. GET IT FAGIT.

#4 The side quests!

Side quests in the Souls games are great. They are rewarding, fun and quite emotional, in some cases. Knight Souls is no different.

Lucatiel broke my heart.

Benhart was misguided by his fake sword. Also was quite sad.

Vengarl had the craziest near death experience ever. Became a bro.

Drummond broke his legs, then we looted his corpse.

Navlaan was great fun and super rewarding.

Roberto the Gymnastic Pig was the best.

Pig? What the hell are you on about, you ask. I'm sure the regulars know what I'm talking about, but in-case you don't, let me tell you.

In the Royal Army Camp site near Tseldora, there are two pigs. Both are as psycho as the other.

However they are part of a really fun and hilarious side quest.

In the last spider temple before Freja, there are some mushrooms on the ground.

The quest? Feed one of the pigs with those mushrooms, get a legendary weapon.

There is one problem, you can't pick up either the mushrooms or the pig...

So, you have to lure Roberto the Pig from the camp all the way to the end of the level. Best way to do this is with a red eye ring, and by clearing out the are first with a bow and some arrows.

Getting Roberto to the mushrooms was one of the most entertaining things I have ever watched. It was then I understood that pigs can, in fact, free-run. He jumped from roof top to roof top, hell-bent on shoving his tusks up my rectum. He smashed down doors, benches, barrels, carts. ALL FOR MY ASS.

But then, I fed him the mushrooms at the final temple with all those spiders hanging on the ceiling...

And it appeared.

YA KNOW.

IT.

IT.

It was a glorious day. Fuck your Santier's Spear, just give me my beloved Pickaxe and a god-damn boss.

I'll show it how true men fight.

Speaking of Bosses!

#5. Ruin Sentinels.

This boss. Was amazing. Out of all the ganking battles, not only was this do-able, it was so fast paced and required great reflexes due to having two to three on you at once, it was such a rush.

Beating them with my Vanquisher's Seal and being on my own felt awesome. So many people have an issue with this boss, and I have no idea why. It's really easy, did it on my first try.

Maybe because you all rush in without taking notice of Yahim in the corner.

But the greatest thing about this boss, is it's theme. That chanting is spine chillingly good, I have it on repeat some times because I love it that much. Unfortunately, another fucker nicked it as well...

#6 Executioner's Chariot

This boss is so underrated. ITS GREAT. The theme he's got is really great, his aesthetic is really awesome too, and the arena is very unique. He reminds me of Geryon the Time-Steed from DMC3, another fun boss fight. But he reminds me more of a Zelda boss fight. While nothing too complex, it still made me smile when I do it. Rolling under the wheel blades made me feel pretty pro for a while...

...Right before the horse ran my ass over.

I bet you can't guess the next boss.

Go on, try.

Nope.

Nu-uh, no not that one.

God no.

Ready?

#7 Smelter Demon

UH-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!? But Scraper, you made it quite clear you fucking hate this boss, why is it here?

Welp, here's why. This boss reminded me that I may be good at DaS, I was still a newb at Knight Souls. It reminded me that no, dual-wielders are not the shit. You can't use them and you never will Scraper. It reminded me do what I did best.

Wield the biggest sword you can find and beat his ass with it.

And I did.

And it was amazing.

Not only is his theme song amazing (it IS the ruin sentinels one, after all), he also reminds me that this game IS a Souls game, and you will not strut through it with ease, ya Lordran Immigrant. His hit box may be outrageous at times, but to be fair, my agility was still eighty-seven, what did I really expect? Ninja flip? Hell to the no!

Yes he's a cunt.

Yes he's cheap as hell.

Yes he doesn't have his own theme song.

BUT YOU CANNOT DENY HOW BADASS HE LOOKS.

I have my highest respect for him, for he reminded me that, at heart, I will always be that guy with greatsword, kicking demon ass and saving bitches.

Then crying quietly as those aforementioned bitches have sex with that flirty rouge asshole.

You know who you are.

#8. The Lore! (apart from the main story, which I still think is weak and confusing)

This is a Souls game. Of COURSE it has a myriad of lore to find and discover in item descriptions, dialogue... And then grow into poorly written fan fictions. Like Origins of Artorias.

Uh, what was I saying?

The Lore is great. My favourite parts being about Alva the Wayfarer (so little, so expansive), Alken and Venn and their inhabitants, like the Mad Knight, and loads of others.

Speaking of Alken and Venn, ya know how they were made by the guy, right? It would follow suit that his family would follow him.

And the Prince of Alken and Princess and Venn had a 'forbidden' love right?

Well, I know how this sounds, but could that love be possibly same family relations? Catch my drift?

Incestuous relationships have always been seen as taboo by cultures around the world, ever since they saw what happened when you have a kid (Joffrey Baratheon is a great example, that little prick.) and Drangleic is probs no different. I know it sounds really weird. But remember, this shit happens in the real world, and Souls universe is inspired by Berserk, which is nightmare-fuel in manga form.

But hey, that's just a theory.

A GAM- wait, A SOULS THEORY, THANKS FOR READING.

Seriously, thank you for reading. I'll stop this crap now, I'll go find something better to do.