(Fab 5 intro song) All THINGS juust keep getting bEEETterrr!

(Tan knocks on Hagrid's fitting room door holding a short-sleeved print shirt)

Tan: Now, I want you to keep an open mind.

(Cut to Jonathan walking through the Hogwarts corridors. He stops when he sees Snape walking in his direction.)

Jonathan: (squealing) Yaaasss queen! You are giving me all kinds of Dracula's gay uncle vibes and I am just eating it up! Can I touch your hair?

Snape: Absolutely not.

Jonathan: (touches his hair anyway) So, how often do you wash this?

Snape: Unhand me.

(cuts to Snape in front of the camera. He has recently received a blow out and he does not look happy about it. His hair looks fabulous.)

Snape: The fancy bearded gentleman recommended that I use a shampoo that does not contain something he calls…sulfates. (pause) I warned Minerva not to do this.

(cuts to McGonagall)

McGongall: I do not know exactly what this 'Fabulous Five' does, but I heard one of the Muggleborn students say that they give haircuts. It is, therefore, only logical to deduce that they also force the subject to take regular baths from time to time. (pauses) And I suppose it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if they introduced some pastels into his wardrobe to liven him up a bit. (the camera lingers on McGonagall, wearing head-to-toe black against her pale skin. She continues to frown.)

(cuts to Hagrid, wearing the short-sleeved shirt Tan was holding, modeling a perfect French tuck)

Hagrid: You don' think it's too jazzy?

Tan: I think it's perfect. (wipes a tear) Hagrid, this outfit is just like you. It's fun, it's sexy, and most importantly, it's a short-sleeved printed shirt in a perfect French tuck, paired with a pair of slim-fitted denims and suede trainers. (wipes another tear) I couldn't be happier.

(cuts to Tan in front of camera)

Tan: (weeping) Oh my God! (unearths a Hermes handkerchief from his pocket and blows his nose) I'm just so… (wipes tears) talented!

(cuts to Karamo and Blaise in the Three Broomsticks)

Karamo: Go talk to her.

Blaise: No.

Karamo: Don't be afraid to let her see the real you.

Blaise: Are you kidding me? I would never show a girl the real me. I'm a bloody awful person.

Karamo: You've got a beautiful soul—

Blaise: I don't have a soul. I traded my soul for a perfect body. (sips his butterbeer) And I am not even remotely fucking joking about that.

(cuts to Karamo)

Karamo: Blaise is…not exactly what I expected. It's almost as though…me not being there for him when he was growing up made him bitter. (flashes a dashing smile at the camera) But I can work with that.

(cuts to Karamo and Blaise)

Karamo: So, tell me about this girl.

Blaise: No.

Karamo: I insist.

Blaise: Fuck no.

Karamo: I won't stop until you tell me.

Blaise: Bugger. Off.

Karamo: I can do this all day.

Blaise: (rolls eyes) You don't 'no' for an answer, do you?

Karamo: (flashes a dashing smile) It's not in my vocabulary.

(cuts to Blaise)

Blaise: (rolls eyes) I'm beginning to see why my mother was inspired to kill her lovers.

(cuts to Bobby in Hagrid's hut)

Bobby: (Is holding a sledge hammer. Has a murderous glint in his eyes) Can I fucking help you? I'm building a goddamned kitchen here because Hagrid was cooking in a cauldron over an open fire. Seriously! How is this man even still alive? And don't even think about asking me to sit down and talk to that fucking camera because I could honestly cut a ho.

(cuts to Tan, Draco, and Jonathan sitting in the Great Hall with cups of coffee. They appear to be having a heated conversation)

Draco: Jonathan, I hear what you're saying. But Horst Rechelbacher's holistic approach to the Art just doesn't coincide with the magical community's more experimental techniques. It's narrow-minded to assume that an entire subset of the population should adhere to an outdated paradigm—

Jonathan: Outdated? Oh, hunny! Just because it mirrors the traditions of antiquity doesn't mean—

Tan: I feel I have to side with Draco on this one, Jonathan. Sustainability is important, but how does this map onto the larger meta-narrative in today's global economy?

Jonathan: Why are we putting this aesthetic hegemony on a pedestal? Isn't the Art about challenging the narrative? Emphasizing the individual? And I take serious issue with the notion that this is a fringe movement. The corporate zeitgeist seems to be moving towards—

Draco: The Aveda Institute is trash and so is their philosophy on hair care! It's preposterous to think otherwise! The only thing they have going for them is that their products smell good!

(Draco to the camera)

Draco: Finally. I have equals on this subject.

(cuts back to the three of them, raising their voices. Hermione walks by and overhears the conversation.)

Hermione: (rolling her eyes) Honestly, Malfoy. This is such low-hanging fruit, I can't even mock you for it.

Draco: (standing) Speaking of low-hanging fruit, you might want to tame that snarling beaver pelt that lives on top of your head, because I think it's starting to breed.

Hermione: (drawing herself up) Shut up, Malfoy.

Draco: No, no, wait. I'm not finished yet. You look like Olivander fucked a shrubbery and their baby had a wretched personality.

Hermione: (fists clenching at her sides) SHUT UP, MALFOY!

Draco: (wincing) Merlin, could you keep it down to a dull roar? I know wild animals are not typically taught to use indoor voices, but if you're going to walk around pretending to be a person, you can at least make an effort.

Hermione: (red flaming on her cheeks) I said, shut up, Malfoy! (Swings her fist at him and punches him in the eye. Marches away.)

Draco: (moaning on the ground, clutching his eye)

Jonathan: (watching him with his mouth open in surprise) Okay. Please don't take this the wrong way, because you know I love you, but you're like…a really bad person. You know? I mean, like, you're just suuuuper mean.

Tan: (staring at Draco's crotch, his eyes widening in concern) Is that a boner?

(cuts to Hermione in front of the camera, her eyes slightly red)

Hermione: Malfoy…just…(sighs) Is it really that bad? (Eyes harden) You know what? Fuck him.

(cuts to Hermione walking towards Jonathan in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom as he sets up his station)

Hermione: You!

Jonathan: (turns around and gasps) Oh my gawww-sssshhh! It's my little baby warrior princess! Can I just say? Draco was super mean to you. Like…I totally called him out on it. And you were giving me so much fierceness. You're like my hero!

Hermione: (walks towards his barber chair and sits) I want you to fix my hair.

Jonathan: (gasps, sucking much of the air from the room in an impossibly long inhale) YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

(camera bleeps, cutting him off)

(Fab 5 theme song, "All THINGS juuust keep getting bETTTerrrr!")