El Rakanma Shive

Special Formatting Notes for This Story: Single quotes will also be used for telepathic thoughts, while curly brackets will indicate a spoken foreign language.

Chapter 1: Give Me "Rakanma" or Give Me Death

As Ranma Saotome raced his fiancée Akane Tendo to school, his mind drifted back to recent events. Just a week ago, he had left for China with the rest of the Jusenkyo cursed population of Nerima on what he had assumed at the time would be one of his standard adventures, such as the ones at Mt. Horai or Ryugenzawa. However, he couldn't have been more wrong. While enemies like Herb and the Eight-Headed Serpent had also fought with deadly intent, they were nothing compared to Phoenix King Saffron.

With both his and Akane's lives on the line and an opponent more dangerous than any before, Ranma had been forced to use every ounce of his skill and power, and in the end he had no choice but to kill, something he had always been able to avoid in the past. Thankfully, Saffron's phoenix abilities had been more literal than anticipated, allowing him to be reborn, while the battle had reopened the water supply of Phoenix Peak, removing any reason for the Phoenix Tribe to take any further action against Jusenkyo or its source at Jusendo.

However, it had almost been too late for Akane. Afraid he had lost the most important person in his life, Ranma had finally confessed his love for the "uncute tomboy," and his relief had no bounds when she had miraculously come back to him and woken up.

After returning home, their parents had surprised them with a wedding attempt with, even more surprising, Akane's support. She had revealed that she had somehow heard his confession of love, and in hindsight it had been a missed opportunity when Ranma had let his automatic defenses once again deny any affection for her. Of course, the wedding itself had been an absolute disaster with every suitor and rival they had in Nerima showing up and wreaking havoc, including the loss of a certain cask of Nannichuan water.

That had been yesterday, and Ranma had gone to bed thinking about what almost happened before finally falling asleep. He now knew without a doubt that Akane was the girl he wanted to marry. Despite the way they had been forced together and their horrible first impressions, he had fallen for her anyway, and it was now far past time to treat her accordingly. It would be difficult, but he would have to stop the insults and denials, while some extra compliments now and then would also help. Maybe he could even push past his fear and help train her like she's always wanted.

The question, though, was how did Akane feel about him? He was certain that she at least considered him a friend, but did her feelings extend any further than that? At first he had thought that her willingness to get married had been merely a favor for him to get the cure for his curse, but after thinking about it, he realized that such a conclusion was unlikely at best. If that was all it was, why had she asked him if he loved her? Would a woman really be willing to marry a man she didn't love just as a friendly favor? He highly doubted it, and if she loved him as much as he loved her, he was going to personally insure that they would successfully get married and soon. He couldn't take much more of these idiots chasing after him and his woman.


With his mind distracted, Akane had managed to win their footrace as she pulled into the school gates a few steps ahead of him. Her celebration was cut short, however, by the approaching figure of Tatewaki Kuno. "Saotome!" he shouted in any icy voice. "This time you've gone too far! How dare you actually attempt to wed the fair Akane Tendo! I will strike thee down for good for thy grievous sins!"

"Kuno, for the last time, you have no say in whom I marry, and I'd rather marry the pigtailed girl than someone like you," replied Akane, earning a deep scowl from the deluded kendoist and a smirk from Ranma at her clever implication. "What are you doing here, anyway? It's a new school year, so you should've graduated by now."

Kuno looked down as he quietly answered, "My father thought it best for me to refresh my studies for another year before attempting college."

"Meaning you flunked so badly even your father couldn't do anything about it," translated Akane. "Face it, Kuno. Even nepotism has it's limits."

"'Tis but a blessing in disguise, my fierce tigress, for now we can graduate and move on to college together." He turned towards Ranma and lifted his bokuto into a ready position. "However, first I must smite this rogue who dares keep us apart, for I know it is his influence that forces thee to say such cruel things."

"Some things never change," muttered Ranma. "Look, Kuno. I'd rather not be late for my first day back, so let's just skip ahead ta the part where I kick your butt." Ranma quickly charged his opponent, and with a shout of "KACHU TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN" pummeled Kuno dozens of times in just a few seconds, easily dropping him to the ground. "C'mon, Akane, let's leave the loser where he belongs and get ta class," he said as he began walking away.

However, Kuno wasn't done yet. "The vengeance of heaven is slow but sure," he stated with a vicious grin as he slowly got to his feet. Akane gasped as she saw him remove a real katana from the wooden sheath that had disguised it as one of his normal bokken. Ranma still hadn't noticed when Kuno charged him from behind with his katana held high. He wasn't going to be able to dodge the attack!

"Ranma, look out!" Akane screamed, pushing him out of the way. However, this put Akane in the direct path of the assault, and Kuno had already committed to his attack. "Akane, NOOOO!" shouted Ranma as he looked up just in time to see Kuno cut Akane diagonally across her torso, nearly from her right shoulder to her left hip.

Blood was everywhere as Akane fell to the ground. Kuno stared horrified as his sword fell from his hands and he dropped to his knees in disbelief. "What have I..." he began, only to modify it to, "What have you done, Saotome?" thereby proving he was deluded to the end.

Ranma ran forward and quickly tore off his shirt, using it in an almost futile attempt to keep pressure on the large wound. "Someone, call an ambulance," he shouted desperately in a cracked voice, tears streaming down his face. A few of the students were able to renew motion to their legs and rushed inside to find either one of the school's pay phones or the secretary's office.

Only the fact that Akane had been facing the opposite direction as Ranma had kept Kuno from slicing through her heart and killing her instantly. Only the fact that Ranma was doing everything he could to keep his fiancée alive until the paramedics arrived kept Ranma from killing Kuno on the spot. Ukyo, however, was not occupied as such. Although Akane was her primary rival for Ranma's love, she was otherwise a good friend, and even if she wasn't, she would never wish for her rival's death like a certain indigo-haired amazon. Maybe she had gone a little too far in her attempt to stop the wedding, but unlike Shampoo she had meant to hit Ranma and only with enough explosives to cause someone like him minor injuries. Whatever the case, Kuno had not just stepped over the line but had made a running dive past it. "You retarded j******!" she screamed as she beat him over the head again and again with her giant spatula. The other students had to grab her arms to get her to stop.

Meanwhile, Ranma was still trying to stop the bleeding with his now soaked shirt. Akane was barely conscious as she tried to focus past the extreme pain she was in. She had at least managed to stop screaming. "Akane, stay with me!" Ranma cried out. "Don't worry, an ambulance will be here soon, and then you're gonna be alright. You'll see." He could tell Akane was listening, but it didn't look like she believed him. Heck, he barely believed himself. He had to tell her now. He had no choice. "Please, Akane, you can't leave me! I love you!" Akane forced a smile onto her face and simply replied, "I know." She then passed out from the pain and blood loss.

Finally, the ambulance arrived, as did the police, who took an unconscious and concussed Tatewaki Kuno into custody. As the victim's fiancé, Ranma was allowed to ride with Akane to the hospital, continually holding her hand as he shared his ki with her to hopefully help her fight her injuries.


The rest of the Tendos, the Saotomes, Ukyo, Yuka, and Sayuri were all waiting silently in the hospital that afternoon. No doubt Ryoga would've been there as well had he been in town. Ranma, Ukyo, Yuka, and Sayuri had all left school after it had happened, while Nabiki had also skipped her college classes for the day as soon as she had heard the news. It had been hours since Akane had been admitted into the ICU, and everyone was fearing the worst, particularly those who had been at Furinkan High to see the injuries firsthand.

Finally, a doctor entered the waiting room and called for Mr. Tendo. When he responded, the doctor said, "We've managed to stabilize your daughter for now, however the internal injuries were too severe. I'm sorry to tell you that she won't survive the night."

Predictably, Soun began bawling like a baby. Kasumi also began to cry. Everyone else was shocked silent, although there was not a dry eye among them, not even between Ranma and Nabiki. Ranma's face looked like all happiness had been drained from his life, and in a way it had. 'How...how could I lose her now?! After everything we've been through, including Jusendo, how can she leave me like this?' he thought. 'What am I supposed to do without you, Akane?'


A couple of hours later, Ranma was sitting alone in Akane's hospital room, continually holding her hand. Everyone else had gone home and would be back later that evening to say goodbye and wait for the inevitable to happen. Ranma, however, would not leave her side, not even to eat. He was going to be there with her until the end. 'Who would've thought it would all end this way,' he pondered in his mind.

"You really do love her, don't you, Ranma," called an ancient voice from the doorway as a familiar old woman hopped into the room on her staff.

"Hello, old ghoul," replied Ranma emotionlessly. "Come to gloat, have you? I'll tell you right now, even without Akane I'm still not going to marry Shampoo."

Cologne sighed. "I realize that," she conceded. "Mousse has told me everything that happened at Jusendo, and I now know there is no way to convince you to become my son-in-law after killing someone like Saffron for your true beloved."

A week ago Ranma would've vehemently denied any such relationship with Akane, but it was pointless to do so now. "A lot of good that did," he remarked. "Why are you really here?" he asked suspiciously.

"Despite our opposition over Shampoo, you have been my favorite student, and it's certainly been fun being around you this last year and a half. I'm here to provide you with a gift, a goodbye present if you will. I have a way to save Akane's life."

Ranma immediately brightened in exaltation, but he tampered down his expectations. "What the catch? Why would you help Akane? Are you still trying to blackmail me into marrying Shampoo?" He started to get angry.

"Calm down, Ranma," commanded Cologne. "There is no catch. Despite being Shampoo's rival, I have great respect for the Tendo girl. She's a strong girl, both mentally and physically, and has great potential as a warrior. She'd make a great amazon had she been born into our tribe. I certainly wouldn't want to see her dead. Why do you think we never tried to enforce the 'Kiss of Death' that Shampoo gave her?" Ranma relaxed, realizing the truth behind these words.

"Shampoo doesn't even know I'm here," Cologne continued. "She won't be happy when she finds out what we've done, as this will effectively eliminate any slight chance she or any of your other so-called suitors has of marrying you, although it will provide the perfect excuse for Shampoo to go home without losing any honor."

"What will we do?" asked Ranma nervously.

Cologne pulled a vial of liquid out of her clothing. "This is a special amazon potion," she explained. "It has the power to transfer the soul of a fatally wounded warrior into a healthy body. Usually, this can only be done with the body of someone who is braindead, however your Jusenkyo curse provides us with alternate means." Ranma's eyes went wide as he started to realize the implications of what Cologne was saying while she continued her explanation. "Your curse will still function as it normally does. However, you will only have control of your body while in male form, while Akane will control it while in female form. The one who is not currently in control will still retain full awareness including some sensory information such as sight and hearing. You will also be able to telepathically communicate with each other by thinking in specific words, although your surface thoughts will remain private. Still, this kind of shared relationship will be quite awkward at times, which is why we only use the potion in this manner when the two people are very close to each other. Are you willing to do this, Ranma?"

"Yes, anything ta save Akane," Ranma answered with complete conviction.

One splashed glass of water later, Ranma found herself in female form sitting in a chair next to Akane's hospital bed, one hand intertwined with hers. Cologne spread the contents of the vial over both their foreheads. "Now just close your eyes and relax, Ranma," she told him before starting to chant in Chinese. Ranma did as she was told. Soon, she began feeling strange. Her excellent ki control allowed her to feel the joining of an additional presence alongside her own. It was Akane, she realized. It was working! Finally, Cologne's chanting had stopped, and Akane's full life force was there. At that point, Ranma discovered the strangest sensation of her life to that point. She could still sense their ki and could also hear the continued beeping of the hospital machinery, but she had lost all feeling in her body and couldn't make it respond in any way. Cologne was right; this would be awkward. With nothing else to do, Ranma patiently waited for Akane to wake up and open their eyes for both of them.

Cologne felt the weariness nearly overtake her aged body as she finished the ritual. 'I'm glad I could help,' she thought. 'Those two deserve whatever happiness they can get.' Although everything she told Ranma had been the truth, there had been an additional reason she had helped them. Although she was loyal to the laws of her village and would've denied it if asked, Cologne was a true romantic at heart and wished to see Ranma and Akane happy together now that she was certain of how the two felt. Although there wasn't explicit proof in Akane's case, she knew as a woman that Akane never would've agreed to the wedding that had almost taken place the day before had she not loved Ranma in return. This was the least she could do for the two of them after all the grief she and her great-granddaughter had caused them.

With shaky wrists, Cologne reached over and tapped Akane's new body gently on the cheek with her staff. "Wake up, child. You're safe now."

Akane heard a comforting old woman's voice and something tapping against her face as she returned to consciousness. "What's going on?" she mumbled as she woke up and tried to collect her thoughts. Suddenly, her eyes popped open, and she jolted forward in her seat as she remembered what had happened. She looked down in surprise, as the pain was gone, and she could find no trace of the injury as she traced her body just under Ranma's shirt.

"How is this possible?" she asked. "I know Kuno cut me. How can I be healed without even a scar as if nothing ever happened? For that matter, why am I dressed in Ranma's clothes and without a bra? That pervert better not have tried anything while I was-" Just then, Akane noticed something else that was strange. "My voice! What happened to my voice?!" she exclaimed as she began to panic. "I sound just like-" Then it hit her. Ranma's clothes. No bra. Ranma's girl voice. Yes, her breasts were now significantly larger, as well. She reached behind her head and pulled forward into view what she had been hoping not to find: a red, braided pigtail. She was in Ranma's body! Naturally, she screamed.

Cologne watched Akane with a smirk as she figured things out. 'You can't pay for entertainment like this,' she thought. To Akane she said, "Calm down, and I'll explain everything."

Akane tried to get her breathing under control as she noticed the amazon elder for the first time. Then she strangely heard a familiar voice, distorted as if coming from inside her own head, tell her, 'Yeah, don't give us a heart attack, tomboy. We ain't got nowhere else ta put ya.' "Ranma?" she questioned. 'Who else were ya expectin'?' he answered in the same distorted way. 'This is one of my bodies that we've given ya.'

"What do you mean you've given it to me?" she snapped angrily. "I don't want anything to do with your dumb body, so put me back in my own body before I-" 'What cha gonna do? Beat yourself up?' Ranma teased, followed by a mental raspberry sound. "Grrrr!" Akane snarled in frustration. Cologne was chuckling at this exchange despite only being able to hear one side of the conversation.

Finally, Cologne managed to regain Akane's attention. "I'm afraid sending you back to your own body is not an option as long as you wish to remain among the living," she began to explain. "That idiot Kuno boy has seen to that. Your wounds were so severe that you would've died tonight had Ranma and I not saved you in this way." She pointed with her staff over to the bed.

Akane gasped at the sight of her own body on the bed, now recognizing that they were in a hospital room. Turning up in Ranma's body had distracted her from the issue of her injuries. "No!" she shouted as she fell to her knees. "No, it's not fair!" She began to cry.

'Ah, Akane, you know I can't stand it when you cry,' complained Ranma, who felt like doing so himself had he been capable of it at the moment. Apparently, strong emotions also carried over between them, he realized.

"I suppose I should be happy I'm alive," Akane said as she continued to sniffle. "And I am very grateful to both of you for saving me, especially you Ranma with the big sacrifice you've made. It's just that being stuck this way,-" She finished the sentence in her mind: '-I can never marry Ranma, have sex with him, or have children together.'

Ranma's mind was blown by what he had just inadvertently heard. 'Um, Akane. I can hear you when you vocalize your thoughts like that, just as you can hear mine.' "YOU WHAT?!" she screamed, her face bright red as she jumped in surprise. 'Did you really mean all of that, because I wish I could do all those things with you, too,' Ranma managed to admit without the taste of shoe leather for once now that he finally had confirmation of Akane's feelings.

'Of course, dummy,' Akane thought with a smile. 'I love you, too.'

"I take it you just thought something embarrassing, unaware that lover boy could hear you, hmm?" Cologne concluded. Akane nodded her head. "I suppose I should tell you more about your unique condition," Cologne stated. She then proceeded to fill Akane in on everything she had told Ranma about how the potion worked and her reasons for saving her.

"I didn't tell Ranma this before, as I wanted him to be certain of his commitment to you," Cologne added, "but there is a way to restore Akane to her own original body and at the same time cure Ranma's curse."

"There is?" asked Akane hopefully. "Please, what is it?"

"First of all," explained Cologne, "travel to Jusenkyo and jump in the Spring of Drowned Akane. This will of course replace Ranma's Nyannichuan curse with an Akanenichuan curse, effectively giving Akane back her own body when you're in cursed form. As one final gift, I'll leave you enough money for one round-trip ticket to the closet airport to Jusenkyo. You just need to make sure Ranma gets a passport."

"Second, there is a mystical item called, in English, the {Dewitchery Diamond}. It has the power to separate a magical cursed form into a separate body from the original while curing the original host. Normally, this would have the effect of creating a new mind for the separated cursed form identical to how the original thought while under the curse, but in your case it would simply separate your minds into your respective bodies. The bad news is that it's located in a secure government facility somewhere in the United States. It will be up to you two to find and gain access to it."

'Don't worry, Akane,' comforted Ranma. 'We'll find it. Ranma Saotome doesn't lose.' 'Dummy,' Akane teasingly replied in a sweet tone.

"One more thing," Cologne added. "It's your choice, but I wouldn't tell anyone more than necessary about what's happened here, and even then not until after the funeral to avoid raising suspicions. For everyone else, Akane Tendo dies tonight, at least until and if you're able to separate yourselves. Nobody outside of Nerima would believe you anyway, and I'd like the Kuno boy to get the full punishment he deserves. Even his family's lawyers can't fight a murder charge with so many witnesses, and it would've been murder if not for my magical resources. He should get off on an insanity plea, assuming his lawyers can force him into it, but it'll be a lot easier to get him locked up for a long time in the looney bin with murder rather than attempted murder on his record.

"I agree," said Akane, mentally cursing the Kuno family. 'So do I,' piped in Ranma, 'although you should watch your language while I'm in your head. I haven't heard swearing that bad since the last time I fought Ryoga.' Akane mentally slapped herself in embarrassment.

"Good luck, you two," concluded Cologne. "Shampoo, Mousse, and I will be heading back to China as soon as I can sell the restaurant. Bie liao." Cologne slowly hopped to the door, turned the knob, and left the room.


Outside the room, Cologne sighed to herself. 'I'm glad I didn't pass out from the ritual and was able to directly tell them everything they needed to know,' she thought as she tore apart the letter she had written with those instructions over a nearby garbage can. 'I'd rather they not learn that the ritual used up so much of my ki that I now only have a few months left to live.' She slowly hopped away from the young couple for the last time.


Later that night, with Akane watching from inside his head, Ranma stood vigil with everyone else until Akane's original body went into cardiac arrest and flat-lined. It was a surreal experience for Akane to watch herself "die." Ranma kept one hand over his lower face to keep from exposing any inappropriate facial expressions, as he couldn't bluff to save his life. Unbeknownst to everyone else, Akane's life had been saved, and he was sure her family would be overjoyed when they shared the good news. Things would never be the same, and there were still plenty of challenges ahead, but at least Ranma and Akane were finally together and in more than one sense of the word.


Author's Notes: If you haven't figured it out yet, this is a crossover with the webcomic "El Goonish Shive," which I'm surprised hasn't been done before. Yes, I'm aware that "Ranma ½" is confirmed to be a fictional series in the universe of "El Goonish Shive" (in a scene where one character attempts to activate another character's gender transformation with cold water after watching a "Ranma ½" marathon), so just ignore that little inconsistency.

Of course, the idea for this story originated as a post-manga twist of "Togetherness" by MZepyr, and then I realized how I could connect the idea to "El Goonish Shive" through the Dewitchery Diamond and all the potential fun Ranma and Akane could have in Moperville with all the physical transformations (many of them genderbending), magic spells, and wacky combat that goes on there.

Normally, I wouldn't ever consider curing Ranma's curse, but this time it's necessary to make the story work. Maybe Tedd could find a way to give him back a similar transformation...