Now, Kirk walked towards his next class, trying to concentrate on the Astro-Nav quiz he knew was scheduled for that day. When he got to class there was a slight buzz of conversation as he walked in. Kirk squared his shoulders and put on the devil-may-care expression most people had come to expect from him.

A hand touched his shoulder; he instinctively flinched away from the contact and twisted to face the person. He found himself staring into the face of a cadet he knew by sight but he had no idea what his name was.

"That was hilarious Kirk! Totally crazy, but still hilarious." The man walked away still laughing, after clapping Kirk on the back. Several cadets made similar remarks. Apparently the general consensus was Kirk's outburst had been a joke to needle Relik.

One female cadet said "Relik is trying to get you placed on suspension, for as he said, showing disrespect and acting like you were one of the Tarsus 9." The girl laughed and continued. "I don't even know if there is such a thing as the Tarsus 9. They probably were made up so Starfleet looked like it hadn't completely failed."

Kirk didn't speak.

She added "Seriously, like one of the Tarsus 9 could be walking around and nobody would know. Those guys are probably seriously screwed up."

Kirk could only nod. The grin was still plastered to his face, but it was entirely false. The girl walked off. He felt sick and not just from all the food he had eaten. He was sickened by people's reaction to Tarsus IV. The cadets were casually talking about it, joking even and there was nothing about the massacre that was remotely funny.

After class had filled and everybody had taken their seats, the quiz was transmitted. Quiet descended upon the cadets, each student, except for one, was intent on their work.

Kirk found he couldn't concentrate on vectors, warp factors, and course corrections. The information he needed to provide the needed answers had fled his mind, instead all he could think about was memories from his past.

When the quiz ended, he knew he had scored poorly, but he didn't care. The grades were almost immediately posted. There were groans of dismay and shouts of delight as each cadet received their score. Kirk didn't even need to look at his to know he had the lowest score of the entire class. The rest of the class passed in a blur.

As everybody was filing toward the door and Kirk was moving with the crowd a voice said "Kirk a word with". Instructor Li, the Astro-Nav instructor was staring directly at him.

A few cadets glanced at Kirk but he ignored them. He turned to his instructor; the expression he reserved for when he wanted to be particularly annoying was already firmly lodged on his face. It was half, I don't care and half I'm not really listening to you, I'm too busy imagining what you look like undressed.

Instructor Li waited until the last Cadet had left. Before she could speak, Kirk smiled and said "if you wanted us to be alone, I'm-"

Li cut him off "Stop Kirk, before you make a comment I'm going to have to report."

Kirk stopped talking, instead he grinned lazily at her. . He knew what everybody expected him to act like and it wasn't hard to pretend everything was fine.

"Your grade was the lowest in the class. Can you tell me why?"

Kirk was fully prepared to tell her why, just not the real reason. "I was distracted—" He broke off the statement on purpose.

"Distracted by what?"

"Distracted by your beauty, it's hard to concentrate on quasars and coordinates when—"

Li cut him off "Kirk cut the crap. Last week your grade was the highest in class, except for that Russian Kid and now you're the lowest." She continued "I think I know what's bothering you"

Kirk's mouth went dry. She couldn't know. Even only the highest officials in Starfleet knew."

"Yesterday in your tactical class they were discussing the Kelvin, right?"

Kirk didn't speak.

"That bothered you didn't it?"

Kirk shrugged. He relaxed slightly knowing the woman was on the wrong track entirely. He was used to people discussing the Kelvin. It was a defining moment in history. His father was hailed as a hero. People still discussed how he had held off Nero single-handedly and saved hundreds of lives. Sometimes, it bothered Kirk to hear the incident discussed.

Wouldn't it have bothered anybody to hear the day their father had died talked about, discussed in great detail and described event after event?

He had even heard the last few words his father had spoken before he had died on a few documentaries. Every birthday, documentaries and even a few movies about the Kelvin were played. He had come to hate his birthday. However, discussing an event he had only heard of and had no memory of didn't bother him as much as casually discussing a massacre that over 4,000 people had died in. It didn't bother him as much as hearing jokes and comments made about the massacre that had left him with scars and memories he could never be rid of.

Kirk didn't say any of what he had thought. He said "I guess it did"

Li nodded understandingly "I know. That's why I'm going to let you re-take this quiz and I'm going to speak to Renfield about the incident in your ethical psychology class" She added "I know what you're going through one of my brother's died on the Kelvin."

Kirk glanced away from her. His jaw tightened. Everybody over the years always thought they knew him and nobody really did.

"May I be dismissed?" Kirk's voice was uncharacteristically cold.

"You may" Li said.

Kirk thought he detected a note of pity in her tone. He left the room quickly and lost himself in the sea of cadets filling the corridor. He allowed the tide of people to pull him along to his next class.

He arrived to find, cadets lining up. He had forgotten that an assembly was scheduled for the day. Various officials from Starfleet Academies on other planets were coming to tour the school and several speakers were scheduled. Kirk lined up and around him other cadets quickly filed into position. He had been in the front row, but more and more people filed in until he was enclosed. Somebody was on either side of him; people were in front of him and in the back. He tried to relax but the crowd was making him feel nervous.

His palms started to sweat. A hand touched his shoulder and he recoiled. The hand quickly withdrew and Kirk turned to find McCoy standing next to him. His gaze was questioning.

"You startled me." Kirk said

McCoy stared at him a second longer, then nodded. The doctor looked over the heads of the cadets lined up and said "I hate when they have these big affairs. I feel like some goddamn manikin on display. I-"

Kirk wasn't listening. More and more people were filling the auditorium. To escape quickly would be impossible.

Wait. Why was he thinking like that? Kirk shook his head, trying to stay in the present.

His heart was thrashing against his ribs. His uniform was sticking to his body. The noise level rose and fell as the cadets discussed various subjects. The conversation was just as innocent and mundane as it had been years ago, right before…Kirk felt himself slipping back into the past and flashes of memory swarmed forward.

They were all standing there. Men, women and Children waited neatly assembled in a group. Conversation flowed through the group and speculation ran rampant. Were they finally getting aid? Had the cause of the famine been fixed? Was Starfleet coming? The arrival of one man and his speech had shattered all hopes. Terror descended. The group became a mass of disorganized people. Weapon fire broke out. Screams cut through the air, only to be silenced almost instantly. People were trampled in others haste to escape. He fought to stay upright. There was falling bodies everywhere. Noise. Blood.

"Jim. Jim?"

Kirk came back to the present.

"You okay?" McCoy peered at him. Kirk didn't speak. McCoy continued "You look like you're about to pass out."

Kirk stared out past McCoy. Somebody was speaking. The voice boomed through the auditorium. None of the other cadets noticed Kirk; their attention was focused on the man's words. Kirk tried to listen, his mind latched on the next few words the man spoke "Sometimes survival depends on drastic measures."

The man couldn't have known what his words had mirrored. It was just a fluke. Just a coincidence, but to Kirk the words were part of a speech that Kirk knew by heart.

"The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of this society…Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV"

Kirk swayed. McCoy caught his arm and steadied him. "Jim you okay?"

Kirk shook his head. "It's too crowded. Too many people." His breath was coming in gasps. "We can't stay here. We have to move. We have to escape." He gasped, sweat was pouring down his face, desperately he clutched McCoy's arm. His breath caught in his throat. "I can't breathe."

McCoy stared at his friend worriedly. Kirk had never acted like this. As improbable as it was McCoy searched Kirk's face for a hint of a joke. The only emotion he detected was pure terror and desperation.

Kirk's face was pale as a ghost as he gasped "Bones, please -I can't stay here.-I'm going to puke"

McCoy didn't doubt him. He elbowed a way through the crowd clearing away for the both of them. A wake of protest arose behind them. The cadets stopped complaining and quickly moved out the way as soon as they noticed Kirk's face. One of them asked "What's wrong with him?"

"Stomach flu" McCoy said curtly. Privately he doubted stomach flu had anything to do with Kirk's behaviour. He had seen his friend with a temperature of 105, a rash covering his entire body and sweat dripping off him like a fountain. Kirk had still demanded to be allowed up and flirted with every nurse walking by his bed.

Something else was going on and McCoy was determined to find out what it was.

When they finally cleared the crowd of cadets and slipped through the auditorium doors to the courtyard outside, Kirk sank gratefully onto a bench and placed his head between his legs.

McCoy sat next to him and watched as Kirk's harsh gasps for air slowly quieted. Finally Kirk straightened up. He was still incredibly pale. He didn't meet McCoy's eyes and stared at anything else.

"What's going on Jim?"

"Nothing, I ate too much and felt sick" Kirk said refusing look at McCoy. "It's just stomach flu"

"It's not just stomach flu" McCoy continued. "I know you, remember? I know that stomach flu doesn't make you act like that. I've seen you with a lot worse than a little virus and never did you act like you just did."

"I'm fine" Kirk finally looked at McCoy.

"Jim. You kept spacing out, at one point you were muttering to yourself, and when I touched you flinched."

"It's nothing"

"'We can't stay here. We have to move. We have to escape.'" McCoy quoted. When Kirk didn't answer, McCoy added. "It was like you were having some kind of panic attack, PTSD, or a flashback to something. It wasn't nothing."

Kirk blew up "Bones you have to find something wrong with everybody don't you!" He stood up and shouted "You have to have something to fix! Right? Everybody had to have a problem."

Jim, you're—"

Kirk cut him off "You're the person with the problem. There something wrong when you have to diagnose everybody." Part of Kirk knew this was an awful thing to say, but he said it anyway. He wanted McCoy to stop talking to him. "Maybe that's why you're not married anymore. Did you try to play psychiatrist with your wife too? Did you diagnose her?"

McCoy stared at him then said softly "You bastard." He stood up and looked like he was restraining himself from hitting Kirk with great difficulty.

Kirk wanted a fight. He hoped Bones would hit him, then he would have an excuse to let out some of the anger that was spreading throughout his body. Hell, he wouldn't even fight back. Kirk would rather be beaten to a pulp. Physical pain would help drown out the pain that was in his mind. He knew from experience it was one of the very few things that did.

Kirk baited McCoy further. "You're the reason you don't have anything. You family is gone because you spent too much time bothering in everybody else's business and didn't take care of your own." McCoy's face was cold. Kirk continued "Somebody else move in on your wife while you were off being a f-king do-gooder?"

McCoy's fists were clenched at his sides. Kirk added "Hell, maybe it was me. What did your wife look like? Could you jog my memory? Are you sure Joanna is even yours?"

McCoy lost it. Kirk saw the punch coming and he didn't try to move out the way. The blow landed solidly on his jaw. Kirk tasted blood in his mouth. He straightened up and spat. He had a crazy grin on his face, as he said "Was that all?"

McCoy had been about to hit Kirk a second time. Now he paused and started at the expression on the younger man's face. It was almost happy, like he had achieved his desired outcome. Underneath the happiness, McCoy thought he detected another emotion: desperation.

What was going on?

McCoy cut Kirk off when he tried to say another taunt. The doctor asked "You want this don't you?"

"Stop all your damn psychobabble you a—hole" Kirk said, but something flickered in his eyes at McCoy's statement.

McCoy shook his head. "I'm not giving it to you. This is how you deal with things. You get drunk, find some woman, or get the sh—kicked out of you"

Kirk started to speak again. McCoy cut him off again "I'm not helping you do it. You're going to have to find another way to deal with whatever's bothering you. What you're doing is sick and there's something wrong." McCoy shook his head again then turned and walked away.

Kirk tossed a few insults at McCoy's retreating back, but the doctor didn't turn around.

Kirk watched as McCoy disappeared, and then he sat down on the bench and put his head in his hands. He couldn't believe what he had done. McCoy had been genuine in his concern. Time after time McCoy had gotten him out of trouble. He had been there for him, even when Kirk had to admit he didn't deserve it. Kirk wondered whether, he finally gone too far. Was one of the few friendships he had over?


Hope you enjoyed that. Review are very much appreciated!