Tale One – Xia Pi Castle Part II

Ma Chao, Zhao Yun, and Jiang Wei quietly trailed along the side of Xia Pi Castle.

"Zhao Yun and I will go to the stables. Jiang Wei, you go and do your thing. Do it all over the castle," informed Ma Chao.

"What? I can't do that. This is the stupidest idea ever. And why am I in this dress?" complained Jiang Wei.

"This plan isn't stupid. It's justice. And the dress is plan B. If you can't make waste, then go get laid."

"What?! Get laid with who, Lu Bu?"

"Dude, that's your thing. Don't get us involved with it."

"This is your idea!"

"Lower your voice. Are you trying to get us killed," whispered Zhao Yun.

"Yeah, go do your thing for justice," added Ma Chao.

"Ahh." Irritated, Jiang Wei started to walk off to find an entrance.

---At the Stables---

Red Hair slept soundly in its stable. Unknowing to the magnificent animal, two men had gathered outside Xia Pi Castle to capture it. The horse's master retired for the night and left Red Hair unguarded. This seemed to be the perfect opportunity for two particular Shu warriors to make their move.

Ma Chao trailed along the castle's wall with his comrade Zhao Yun right behind him. The two brave souls had taken it upon themselves to obtain the fastest horse in all the land. Having such an animal would greatly benefit their lord Liu Bei and the Shu kingdom.

"You know. I feel as if we've done this before," said Ma Chao.

"That's because we've tried this at least 17 times already," reminded Zhao Yun.

The two men approached Red Hair's stable. The animal was finally within their grasp.

Ma Chao opened the stall door. "Finally, justice will prevail. Take that Lu Bu. Even you can not defeat the might of JUSTICE!"

Just then, a harsh manly voice filled the stable. "Who's there? Ma Chao, you after Red Hair again?!"

"Shit. Get down." Zhao Yun pulled Ma Chao towards the ground in Red Hair's pin. "Do something."

"Umm. Umm…" Ma Chao heard Lu Bu's foot steps come closer. "Ah, umm…it's me Lu Bu, Red Hair," said Ma Chao in a very poor imitation voice…of a talking horse.

"We're dead, we're so dead," said Zhao Yun.

"Red Hair? Wait, how do I know it's really you and not Diao Chan's horse pretending to be you again?" asked Lu Bu.

Zhao Yun and Ma Chao looked at one another in absolute confusion.

Ma Chao shrugged his shoulders. "No, it's really me Lu Bu. Diao Chan's horse is asleep."

"Oh okay. I thought it was Ma Chao trying to kidnap you again."

"Yeah, he's really something."

"Ha, that loser and his justice are really something all right."

"JUSTICE will ge- mmmm" Zhao Yun covered Ma Chao's mouth.

"What? Justice. Is that you Ma Chao?"

"No, I meant it's just us. Just us, Lu Bu. There's no Ma Chao," covered Zhao Yun.

"Good. If I catch him here again, I'll cut him into pieces."

"Yeah. He's nothing compared to you."

"What? I can so take him," whispered Ma Chao.

"Would you shut up," Zhao Yun whispered back. "So how are you doing Lu Bu?"

"Oh, you know the same old, same old; giving orders, fighting weaklings, banging Diao Chan."

"Oh yeah. How's Diao Chan working out for you? Is she as hot as she looks?"

"Hotter."

"Yeah."

"Yeah, she's great. But sometimes I wonder why she'd choose me though. It's like, with her looks she can have any guy, you know. Why would she pick me?"

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Even I wonder why she would pick an ugly son of bitch like you."

"WHAT?!"

"Ah, I mean." Zhao Yun and Ma Chao started to panic. "Let's just jump on the horse and speed out of here," Ma Chao whispered to Zhao Yun.

Just as Ma Chao is about jump out, Lu Bu bursts into laughter. "That was a good one, Red Hair."

"Ah ha ha ha." Zhao Yun and Ma Chao laugh nervously.

---Meanwhile---

Jiang Wei had been wandering around the inside of the castle for a while now. He had managed to sneak past the guards and avoid many other soldiers. To his satisfaction, he was able to obtain insight about the enemy. He now knew how they would layout for a battle.

As he made his way down a hall he heard foot steps of troops heading his way. He could not see a place to hide, so he entered a room that had the door slightly open.

The soldiers walked passed the room without noticing him. Jiang Wei sighed with relief. Unfortunately, he had entered the wrong room. "Who's there?" asked a deep male voice.

Jiang Wei turned around slowly to see a tall man with black hair, mustache and bread that was only wearing pants. He had just walked into Zhang Liao's room.

"Ah, umm…"

Zhang Liao walked up to Jiang Wei and places a hand on his chin. Slowly, Zhang Liao lifted the younger man's face. He paused for a second and starred at Jiang Wei. The situation made Jiang Wei very nervous. Why me? thought Jiang Wei.

Zhang Liao let go of Jiang Wei and walked over to a table that was right next to his weapon.

Here it comes. I'm sorry my prime minister. I've failed you. Jiang Wei closed his eyes.

"You're a very beautiful girl," said Zhang Liao as he poured some wine into a cup. "How come I've never seen you before? A flower like you is hard to miss."

Jiang Wei was surprised by the sudden turn of events, but he quickly recovered. "Umm, I'm a new concubine. I just arrived today," answered Jiang Wei in an imitation female voice.

"Oh really." Zhang Liao sat down on his bed. "Why don't you join me for a drink then?" He patted the bed, welcoming Jiang Wei to sit beside him.

"Umm…I'm not much of a drinker."

"It's nothing strong. Just taste it. If you don't like it, I won't force you."

Jiang Wei went over to Zhang Liao and took a seat next to him. Maybe if I get him drunk, he'll pass out. I can escape while he's asleep.

"Here you go."

"Thank you." Jiang Wei took a sip and coughed a little. He wasn't much of a drinker.

Zhang Liao chuckled a little. He then picked up the wine bottle to get some more wine.

"Please allow me." Jiang Wei took the bottle and poured wine into the cup until it was full.

"Why thank you." Zhang Liao took a sip. "What's your name?"

"My name?" Jiang Wei thought for a moment. "My name is Ji..an..Pei, Jian Pei."

"Jian Pei." Zhang Liao starred at Jiang Wei for a minute, and then he leaned over to his ear. "Why don't we get to know more about one another, Jian Pei?" Zhang Liao pushed 'Jian Pei' onto his back. After gulping down all of the wine in his cup, he threw the cup aside and leaned down to the 'girl' on his bed. "You really are beautiful." He moved in to kiss Jiang Wei.

"Nooooooo! Save me my prime minister!"

"My prime minister?"

"Oh,…umm…I'm sorry. Umm, I'm still a virgin so-"

"Oh, is that all." Zhang Liao stroked Jiang Wei's cheek. "Don't worry. I'll be gentle."

A look of horror crossed Jiang Wei's face.

---Back at Stable---

"And remember when they opened up Hu Lao gate and I was there," reminisced Lu Bu.

"Yeah, we were there, and everyone was like 'holy shit it's Lu Bu!' And then I'm like "that's right it's Lu Bu, bitches,'" said Zhao Yun.

"Yeah, why don't you just tell him how much you love him, kiss-ass," Ma Chao whispered harshly.

"Well, at least I'm not getting us killed," retorted Zhao Yun.

"Just get rid of him."

"How? Why don't you do something?"

"Fine." Ma Chao raised his voice a little. "Lu Bu, do you know what time it is?"

"No Red Hair, what time is it?" asked Lu Bu waiting for a punch-line.

"It's Red Hair time."

"Ha ha, wait. I don't get it."

"No, I mean it's me-time. Don't get me wrong. I love the relationship we have. You ride me all day, put me in this tiny pin, and then bitch about how great you are. No it's cool, but—"

"No, I understand. I know what you mean."

"So we're cool, right?"

"Yeah, it's all cool. I'll see you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow."

Lu Bu left the stable. Ma Chao poked his head up to see if he was truly gone. "He's finally gone."

Zhao Yun and Ma Chao stood up. "Let's get the hell out of here." Zhao Yun started to lead Red Hair out of his pin.

Lu Bu reentered the stable saying, "Oh yeah, Red Hair have you see my—"

Everyone froze in silence.

"MA CHAO! And…uh…"

"Oh, Zhao Yun."

"I'm gonna kill you!"

"Oh, nice going Zhao Yun. You pissed him off," accused Ma Chao.

Zhao Yun glared at Ma Chao.

Lu Bu growled angrily, and pulled out his weapon from one of the pins.

"You leave your weapon here?" asked Ma Chao.

Lu Bu just started charging towards them.

"AH!" Zhao Yun and Ma Chao hugged one another out of fear.

All of a sudden, a scream, other than Zhao Yun's and Ma Chao's, filled the air. The yell caused Lu Bu to pause. "What the hell?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Jiang Wei ran past the stable.

Closely following him was Zhang Liao. "What's wrong?! Was it my breath?"

Seizing the opportunity, Ma Chao and Zhao Yun ran for it. They reached their horses and jumped on. On their way out, they grabbed Jiang Wei and hightailed it out of there.

"Come back again and I'll kill you!" screamed Lu Bu.

"Come back," said Zhang Liao.

Lu Bu stared at Zhang Liao. "What happened to you?"

"I loved and lost."

---Back at Shu---

"So, you were unsuccessful?" asked Liu Bei.

"Pretty much," responded Ma Chao.

"Did Jiang Wei lay waste?" inquired Zhang Fei.

"No, but he got laid," answered Zhao Yun.

"Oh, who was the lucky girl, Jiang Wei?"

"He was the lucky girl," interrupted Ma Chao.

"What?" All the Shu warriors stared at Jiang Wei.

"Well, I never knew Jiang Wei," spoke Zhuge Liang.

"No, my prime minister," began Jiang Wei. "It's not like that."

"'My prime minister.'" Pang Tong chuckled to himself.

---End Tale One---