A/N - Here you are, chapter three! I hope that people are enjoying this and I'd love it if you let me know, even if you're not enjoying it! :) Thanks for reading!

Chapter 3

Loving Lily

2 December 1975 – Fifth Year

Remus sat on his bed in the hospital wing, hurt beyond belief. He wasn't physically hurt. Well, he was and a bit more than usual too, given the events of the previous night. But that wasn't what was bothering him. He was angry, disappointed and heart-broken. Not only had Sirius betrayed his secret, he had set Remus up to do something unthinkable, something horrible, something Remus would have never forgiven himself for, accidental or not.

Had it not been for James…Remus shuddered. He didn't even want to think about that. But almost as bad and maybe even worse in some ways was that now Severus Snape knew what he was. He had to count on a slimy Slytherin keeping his secret. Professor Dumbledore had assured him that Snape had given his word he wouldn't say anything, but Remus didn't really trust him. The only think that gave him a bit of hope was that Lily did and Remus trusted her.

"Remus?" a soft voice said and Remus looked up to see Lily moving the screens apart. She knew already, he could tell, Peter had probably told her. How could she want to be near him when he'd almost murdered her friend?

"How are you feeling?" she asked. He shrugged and then felt a small, cool hand running through his hair. He drew in a breath, blinking rapidly, not wanting her to see the tears that were forming in his eyes. He felt the bed shift and knew that Lily had sat down on the edge. Her hand moved to his back, rubbing small circles, and he lost a bit more of his resolve.

"Remus," she said quietly, pulling on his shoulder to turn him over and he finally complied. "Oh Remus," she said and pulled him into her arms. He buried his face in her neck and let the tears fall. When he'd finally composed himself, he tried to turn away from her again, cheeks red with embarrassment.

"Talk to me please," she said and he sighed.

"I don't understand why he would do that," Remus finally said in little more than a whisper. "I thought he was my friend."

"I know," Lily replied sadly. "For what it's worth, I don't think that he meant for anything to happen."

"That's the problem," Remus said. "He never thinks."

"I won't disagree with you there," Lily said, taking his hand in hers. He looked down at their clasped hands.

"How can you even want to be around me?" he asked.

"What on earth are you talking about?" she returned, looking confused.

"I almost killed your best friend," he said.

"That wasn't your fault and it wasn't you," she said. "It was the wolf and he was only reacting how he should react. I don't blame you Remus." She sighed. "And besides, Severus isn't my best friend." Remus gave her a puzzled look. "You are." Remus blushed again and ducked his head, but there was a smile on his lips.

"I've got to go," she said. "It's almost time for Charms." He nodded. She leaned back to glance out the screens and then leaned forward again and kissed him. He tangled a hand in her hair and pulled her closer to him. A noise outside in the ward pulled them apart abruptly. Lily sat up and straightened her hair as Remus leaned back into his pillows trying to get his breathing under control. The sound of sharp footsteps on the stone floor approached Remus' bed and the screens were pulled further apart by Madame Pomfrey.

"Mr. Lupin," she said. "It's time for your next potion. Hello Miss Evans."

"Madame Pomfrey," Lily said in greeting. "I'll see you later Remus."

"Bye Lily," Remus replied. Madame Pomfrey ran a diagnostic over him as Lily left.

"Your heart is racing," Madame Pomfrey admonished. "What have you been doing?" Remus' face turned bright red as he heard Lily's giggle before she left the ward. Madame Pomfrey looked from Remus to the closed infirmary door, smirk playing at her lips. "Yes, well, try to keep the excitement to a minimum until I release you, yes?" Remus looked at his lap, mortified. Madame Pomfrey handed him the potion. He drank it and leaned back against the pillows of his bed, once again going over the events of the previous night.

He was lost in his thoughts and didn't immediately hear the noise at the edge of the screens around his bed, which was unusual for him given his heightened senses. When he looked up, he saw James standing next to him.

"James," Remus said a bit startled by his friend's sudden appearance.

"Hey, Moony," James said and Remus flinched. He really didn't need any more reminders of his affliction right now. "Sorry, Remus," James said. "How are you doing?"

"All right," Remus said with a shrug. The two boys sat in silence for a few minutes until Remus nervously cleared his throat. "Thank you," he finally said. "For rescuing Snape before I could, well, you know."

"It was nothing," James said, nervously shifting from foot to foot.

"It wasn't nothing," Remus continued. "If I had gotten to him I'd be in Azkaban right now."

"Well, you're welcome then," James said. "Look, Moo-, er, Remus, Sirius is really upset and he's sorry and everything. You know him, he doesn't think and," James trailed off as he looked at Remus' face.

"Do not tell me that you're going to try and defend him," Remus spat, livid.

"No, I'm not," James assured his friend. "There is no excuse for what he did. But he did it without thinking. He didn't intend for Snape to get hurt. He didn't even think you'd get free. He just thought that Snape would see you and wet his pants or something. He feels horrible about everything."

"That's just Sirius' problem though, isn't it James?" Remus challenged. "He never thinks about the consequences, just whether he'll get a laugh out of it or not. But besides all of that, he let Snape in on my secret, our secret. You don't think he's going to run right to his Death Eater wannabe friends and tell them all about me?"

"Dumbledore said Snape swore he wouldn't tell," James said.

"Well excuse me if that isn't very comforting," Remus retorted. "How am I ever supposed to trust Sirius again?" James sighed and ran a hand through his hair, making it even messier than it had been.

"I don't expect you to just forget about it and forgive him," James said. "But at least give him a chance."

"I don't know, James," Remus said tiredly, leaning back against the pillows and closing his eyes.

"I know it's going to take time," James continued. "And you might not ever trust Sirius like you used to, but I swear to you Remus, he's completely torn up about this. I've never seen him like this. Please?" Remus opened his eyes and looked at his friend. How could he say no to James after everything James had done for him and after Remus was keeping such an enormous secret from him? A secret that would break his heart. But he couldn't bring himself to agree, not just yet.

"I don't know James," Remus said. "I just don't know."

"Well, you didn't say no," James pointed out with a smile. Remus snorted. "So when's Pomfrey letting you out of here?"

"Maybe after dinner," Remus replied. "Depends how my shoulder heals up." Remus had dislocated his shoulder after trying to break his way out of the shack into the tunnel to get to Snape. As much as it had hurt, it was actually a good thing as it kept the wolf quieter than he would have been, knowing that prey had escaped him. James nodded.

"Mr. Potter, Mr. Lupin needs his rest," Madame Pomfrey said, suddenly coming up behind James. "And I'm sure you have a class in which you need to be."

"Yes, Madame Pomfrey," James said with a cheeky grin and the mediwitch clucked her tongue and shook her head. Remus still saw the slight smile on her face as James left though. He lay back in his bed as the matron lowered the head of it and turned on his good side. Closing his eyes with a yawn, he realized that he was really quite tired. He felt Madame Pomfrey tuck the sheets in around him and a hand brush his hair back. He smiled and dreamed of Lily.


Remus was indeed released later that evening only after agreeing to wear the sling Madame Pomfrey presented him with as well as assuring her he would come back the next day after lunch and let her check him over again. He walked slowly back to the common room, not out of any pain, but because he didn't really relish seeing Sirius.

And then there was Lily. Two days before the full moon, they'd had another row about telling James about the two of them. It wasn't until Lily insulted his, seemingly to her, non-existent Gryffindor courage that Remus agreed to tell James after the moon. But now James had saved Snape and Remus from fates possibly worse than death. Remus knew he wouldn't survive six months in Azkaban and Snape's worst nightmare was probably becoming some filthy half-breed, although Remus doubted he would have been able to stop at just changing Snape over. Remus once again wondered just how he could explain his relationship with Lily to his friend, who would surely see it as some kind of betrayal.

Remus sighed as he reached the portrait hole and stood in silence in front of it for a few minutes. He rubbed his forehead with his fingertips of his good hand, feeling an enormous headache coming on as he tried to figure out just how he was going to get out of this situation without someone getting hurt.

"Do you plan to give me the password or are you going to stand there all night?" the Fat Lady snapped irritably.

"Sorry," Remus replied. "Mistletoe."

"That's more like it," the Fat Lady said and swung open to reveal the common room. Remus stepped through and immediately glanced toward the fireplace where he and his friends usually sat. All three of them were there and Sirius and James stood as soon as they saw Remus. Remus stopped and stared at Sirius, who returned Remus' gaze uncomfortably. Remus finally shook his head in disgust and began to walk towards the stairs to the dorm. Sirius made to follow, but Remus saw James grab Sirius' arm and shake his head slightly. Sirius' shoulders slumped.

Remus climbed the stairs to his dorm and shut the door quietly behind him. He sank down on his bed and lay back, throwing his good arm over his eyes. Moments later, the door creaked open. Remus lowered his arm and squinted at the door, but it was only Peter.

"Remus?" Peter said tentatively as he stepped into the room.

"Yeah," Remus replied tiredly.

"I'm sorry about what happened yesterday," Peter said.

"It wasn't your fault Pete," Remus answered.

"I know, but I'm still sorry," the other boy said.

"Thanks," Remus mumbled.

"And I told Lily about it too," he said. "I hope you don't mind, but she was looking for you earlier."

"No, it's all right," Remus said.

"Sirius," Peter began, but Remus moved his arm and shook his head, anger returning.

"I don't want to talk about Sirius," Remus spat. Peter swallowed thickly and started to leave the room, then shook his head and squared his shoulders, coming back in and walking over to Remus' bed.

"I know you don't want to talk about him, but you can listen," Peter said with an uncharacteristic bit of hardness to his voice. Remus looked up at him in surprise. "Sirius wants to apologize. He feels horrible about what he did and he knows how stupid it was. I know you're angry and you should be and I don't expect that you're going to forgive him any time soon, but you can still at least listen to what he has to say." Remus was so shocked by his normally skittish friend's outburst that he couldn't reply. He simply stared at Peter with his mouth hanging open. Peter held his gaze for a minute longer, then nodded once and turned and left the room. Remus lay on his back for a long time, staring up at his canopy and trying to figure out just what in Merlin's name had happened to his friends.


7 December 1975 – Fifth Year

It had been five days since Remus was released from the hospital wing. He'd been able to get rid of the sling two days ago and had been avoiding everyone, even Lily, ever since. He studied in a small unused classroom he'd found on the third floor instead of the library or the common room. He came back to his dorm either early or late, so as to avoid his friends when they came up to ready themselves for bed. James had tried to talk to him again the night before, but Remus had brushed him off saying he had to start revising for exams and escaping from the dorm as quickly as possible. He ate breakfast early before most of his housemates were even awake and took to going down to the kitchens for lunch and dinner.

Lily was worried about him. She slipped him a note in Arithmancy earlier that day, asking what was going on and begging him to talk to her. He'd written just two words back, 'Not now', and had seen the slump of her shoulders and the brightness in her eyes when he'd rejected her again, but somehow it didn't bother him as much as it probably should have. He had gotten up almost before they'd been dismissed from class and hurried away before Lily could say anything.

And now he was out on the grounds standing and staring out at the lake. It was cold and while he had his cloak, he still shivered now and then. He could have cast a warming charm on himself, he knew, but he didn't. Remus heard a noise to his right and turned to see Hagrid coming up the hill from the forest towards the lake.

"Bit chilly to be out tonight, init?" Hagrid asked. Remus shrugged. "Gettin' late too. Mebbe you should get back inside."

"I'll go in a few minutes," Remus mumbled. Hagrid put a hand on Remus' shoulder, causing Remus' knees to buckle for a few seconds.

"Where's yer friends?" Hagrid asked. Remus shrugged again. "Ah, that the problem is it? Well I'm sure it'll work out."

"I'm not so sure it will," Remus said quietly.

"They do somethin' that bad?" Hagrid questioned.

"You could say that," Remus replied. Hagrid looked at him for a few moments.

"I don' know what happened, mind, but I gotta say, in all me years here I never seen friends the likes o' you lot," Hagrid said. "Wha'ever it was, it's not worth losin' friends like that over."

"You probably wouldn't say that if you knew what it was," Remus said.

"Nobody died did they?" he asked, in jest Remus knew, but it still caused the Gryiffindor's hands to curl into fists. He shook his head, not trusting his voice. "Maimed fer life?" Hagrid continued and Remus shook his head again. "Well then, not worth it I'd say." They stood in silence for a few minutes.

"What if one of those supposed friends betrayed you so badly you didn't think you could ever trust them again?" Remus finally said, staring back at the lake once more.

"Ah," Hagrid said simply. "Well, trust, tha's a tricky thing, init? Don' trust many people meself, Perfesser Dumbledore's one o' the few. But if it were me, I'd wanna know why for starters."

"That's just the thing, I think I know why and it's such a stupid reason that could have had such horrible consequences, I can't even believe that he would have done it," Remus said, starting to get angry again.

"We talkin' abou' Sirius Black here?" Hagrid asked and Remus started, quite surprised. Hagrid chuckled. "I know a lot more abou' wha' goes on round here than yeh think. Lemme tell you somethin'. I went to school with Orion Black, he was in me year and a nasty bugger he was. Din' know Sirius' mum so well, she was a few years ahead o' us, but she was no prize herself. Sirius sorted into Gryffindor, bein' as decent as he is, growin' up with the two o' them? Well, let's just say he ain't had the best o' role models."

Remus said nothing, just continued to stare out at the lake. He knew that Sirius didn't have an easy time of things at home. His parents had been furious when he'd been sorted into Gryffindor, his father had even demanded Dumbledore do a resort. When Sirius had been put in Gryffindor for the second time, Sirius' father had been livid. Sirius rarely spent much time at home during breaks and holidays, preferring James' house to his own. And though he tried to hide it, Remus had seen the careful movements and the grimaces of pain after Sirius had been home for a time. Injuring himself once a month, Remus knew what someone who'd been battered looked like. He'd never said anything to Sirius about it, not wanting to embarrass his friend, but James had made enough comments for Remus to know he was right. But even with all of that, it still didn't excuse what Sirius had done.

"Hard times are comin'," Hagrid continued. "Some o' them are already here. We're all gonna need all the friends and trust we can get if we're gonna make it through." He clapped Remus on the shoulder once more. "You better get back up to the castle. It's gettin' late." Remus nodded and pulled his feet out from where they'd sunk into the earth at Hagrid's shoulder clap. He looked up at the half-giant.

"Thanks Hagrid," he said.

"Any time," Hagrid replied, then shooed Remus towards the castle again. When Remus reached the steps, he turned back and saw Hagrid still standing and watching him, a silent sentry making sure he was safely inside.


When he reached the common room, he stopped, surprised to see that it was nearly empty. Two small girls, who looked to be first years, giggled in one corner. The only other occupant was curled up in an armchair near the fire, her head leaning on the arm, eyes closed and book slack in her hand. Remus looked toward the two first-years.

"You'd better head to bed," he said, pulling his robes so they could see his prefect badge more clearly. "It's getting late." The two girls giggled again and then scurried up the stairs to their dorm. Remus watched until they disappeared from view. He crossed the common room and sat down on the end of the coffee table in front of Lily's chair. He took the book from her hands and set it behind him on the table, then tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, tracing his finger down her jaw line after. She stirred and blinked sleepily at him.

"Hi," she said quietly. Remus tried to smile at her, but failed miserably. He'd treated her awfully these last few days. He stood and handed her the book that he had taken from her hands.

"Here," he said. "I'm sorry that I woke you, but I didn't think you'd want to sleep down here all night."

"It's all right," she said, sitting up in the chair and taking the book from him.

"Well," he said awkwardly. "I guess I'll go up to bed." He turned, but she grabbed the sleeve of his robes.

"Remus wait," she said and he turned reluctantly around. Lily looked at him and then bit her lip, looking down at her lap. "Won't you please tell me what's wrong?" She peeked at him through her hair and Remus sighed.

"I think you're smart enough to know what's wrong, Lily," he said, wanting nothing more than to fall into his bed and sleep.

"You've been avoiding me," she accused, ignoring his statement.

"I suppose I have," he admitted.

"I don't understand why," she said quietly. He sighed again.

"I don't deserve someone like you," he finally said. Her head snapped up and she looked at him in shock. "After what happened, I don't know how you can even want to be around a monster like me."

"Nothing happened," Lily said, shaking her head.

"I nearly killed Snape!" Remus exclaimed.

"But you didn't," Lily insisted.

"Only because James just happened to be in the right place at the right time," Remus retorted. "If he hadn't been there, I would have! Don't you see Lily, the next time it could be you."

"I'd never be so stupid as to walk down the tunnel to the Shrieking Shack on the full moon when I know there's a werewolf at the other end," she hissed. "So I don't see just how, exactly, it could have been me." Remus sat down on the couch and put his head in his hands.

"And just how am I supposed to tell James, the person who saved me from being sent to Azkaban for life and who saved Snape from being killed, that I'm dating the one girl he truly loves," Remus said from behind his hands.

"I've told you before James is a big boy and," Lily stopped. "Wait, what?"

"He loves you Lily," Remus said tiredly, looking up at her. "I think I've known it all along, but I just didn't want to admit it to myself."

"That's ridiculous," she said with a toss of her head, but Remus could see that she looked unsure.

"I don't think he even knows it himself yet, but I can tell," Remus assured her.

"And just how can you do that?" she demanded.

"I know the signs," Remus said. He locked eyes with her. "Because I'm in love with you too." She opened her mouth and then closed it again, continuing to stare at him. He looked back at her sadly and then shook his head, looking down at the floor once more. The next thing he knew, she had flung herself onto his lap and was kissing him for all she was worth. He tried to pull away, but she wrapped her arms tighter around his neck and soon he was returning her kisses with equal fervor. When they finally came up for air, she took his face in her hands.

"I love you Remus Lupin," she said quietly. Remus stared at her in shock, then took her hands from his face and clasped them between his.

"Don't say it just because I did," he replied, but his heart was beating just a little faster at her admission.

"I'm not," Lily insisted. "I love you Remus." He searched her eyes and saw nothing but honesty and openness there and he kissed her again. Then he pulled back once more.

"James would be better for you than me," Remus said. Lily began tracing his jawline with her nose.

"I don't love James," she said simply, continuing her path to his neck.

"He's smart and comes from a good family, he'll be able to get any job he wants once school is over, he's better looking than I am but mostly, he's not a werewolf," Remus continued, sucking in a breath as she kissed his neck.

"Maybe you should date him if he's so wonderful," she said dryly. Remus pushed her shoulder gently and tilted her chin up to look at him.

"I mean it," he said.

"And I meant what I said," Lily returned. "I don't love James, I love you. I don't want to be with James, I want to be with you. Why can't you believe that?" Remus shrugged.

"There's something else," he said and Lily sighed.

"What?" she asked.

"I can't tell him," Remus said.

"Remus," Lily said, shaking her head.

"After everything he's done for me, becoming an animagus, saving Snape, I just, I can't Lily. I can't do it," Remus said sadly.

"So are you saying that you're breaking things off with me?" she asked.

"No," Remus said, knowing that even if he did, he wouldn't have the strength to stay away from her. "I'm saying that if you want to keep seeing me, it will have to stay a secret." Lily's eyes flashed in anger.

"So sneaking around behind his back is better and less hurtful than just telling him to his face?" she demanded.

"No," Remus said flatly. He was disgusted with himself. Of course it wasn't better, it was worse, not to mention the most cowardly way to go about things.

"You don't have to do it alone," she said. "I'll be with you, we can tell him together." Remus shook his head. "At least he won't hit you if I'm there." She smiled at him, but the most he could manage was a half-smirk. "Look we're both tired," Lily continued. "It's been a horrible week. Let's just go to sleep and talk about this again tomorrow, all right?" He nodded. She leaned into him and kissed him again, a slow, sweet kiss for once and then stood, holding a hand out to help him up off the couch. He picked up her book from where it had fallen to the floor and handed it to her. They walked to the dorm stairs, hand in hand and Remus kissed her once more before they parted and went up to their respective rooms. He sighed when he reached his and rested his forehead against the closed door. Lily was right, they had to tell James.


20 December 1975

But time had gotten away from them and there never seemed to be a proper moment to tell James. They were all busy with end of term projects and exams, Lily and Remus revising in the library nearly every night. And now the train had nearly reached King's Cross and they would all be going their separate ways for three weeks, Sirius, of course, heading to the Potter's.

Remus had sat in the compartment with his friends, sitting with Lily and hers would look too suspicious, although Lily and Mary had come by and played a few games of exploding snap with them. And Remus and Lily had patrolled the train together, sneaking into the same luggage car and snogging for a bit before they returned to their compartments.

"You're still coming at Christmas, yeah?" Lily asked when Remus had finally released her lips.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "Isn't Christmas for families?"

"Don't be daft, Remus," she chided. "We open gifts on Christmas Eve, we always have. Christmas afternoon, we lie around and watch movies on the telly. And Petunia won't even be there, she's going somewhere with her stupid friends. You're not interrupting anything. Besides," she'd said, as she nipped at his earlobe. "I don't think I can go three weeks without seeing you." At that he'd crashed his lips to hers once again and they'd been rather occupied for quite some time.


25 December 1975

Remus stood nervously on Lily's front step, waiting for her to come to the door. He had the small wrapped package in his pocket. He hoped that she liked it, but more importantly, he hoped that they would get to exchange gifts privately. Remus heard steps inside and the door was flung open, his arms full of Lily before he was even ready for her.

"Oomph," he said as she jumped at him, nearly knocking him off the step.

"Sorry," she giggled, letting him get his footing before she kissed him enthusiastically.

"Lily," he admonished, his face turning red.

"What?" she asked with a laugh. "Mum and Dad don't care, don't worry." She took his hand and pulled him inside, taking his cloak after she shut the door. "Mum, Dad, Remus is here," she said happily, towing him into the lounge.

"Hello Remus, it's nice to see you again," Lily's mother said, leaning down and kissing his cheek.

"You too, Mrs. Evans," he replied with a small smile.

"None of that now, you call me Rose," she said, giving his arm a gentle squeeze.

"This is my dad," Lily said, turning the man in the room. "Dad, this is Remus."

"Pleased to meet you son," Mr. Evans said, shaking Remus' hand.

"Thank you sir, it's nice to meet you too," Remus replied.

"If you can call my wife Rose, you can call me Harold," Mr. Evans said. Remus just nodded, not knowing how to respond. Lily's parents were very nice, but he wasn't used to such a casual atmosphere. He still called James' parents Mr. and Mrs. Potter and he'd known them for years.

"Mum, Remus and I are going up to my room," Lily said before she took Remus' hand and started pulling him towards the stairs.

"All right dear, we'll eat in about an hour," her mother replied. Remus stared at Mrs. Evans' back as she settled back on the couch next to her husband. She tucked her legs up underneath her and leaned her head on his shoulder, as they turned their attention to the program they had been watching.

"Lily," he hissed as Lily yanked him into her room and shut the door. "Maybe you should leave the door open."

"Why?" she asked in confusion.

"Well, because," he said, his face reddening. He rubbed the back of his neck. "Because it's just not proper is all." Lily's brow was still furrowed in puzzlement. Suddenly her face cleared and she gave him a sly grin.

"Why, do you plan to have your wicked way with me?" she asked, stalking towards him like she was a predator and him the prey.

"Lily," he protested again, holding up his hands to try and ward her off. But she ignored him and wrapped her arms around his waist, pulling her body very close to his.

"What's the matter Remus?" she asked, grinning at him. She pulled him impossibly closer and he groaned. "Afraid you won't be able to control yourself?" She began to kiss his neck and he sucked in a breath. Unable to restrain himself any longer, he grabbed Lily's face in his hands and began kissing her, moaning into her mouth as she pressed herself against him. He wasn't sure how long they snogged, but it was long enough for things to get rather uncomfortable in certain regions of his body and he abruptly pulled away from her and took a few steps back, facing the wall and trying to calm himself.

Lily was panting as well and as he looked over his shoulder, he saw that her lips were swollen and her face was flushed. Growling, he turned back around and stalked towards her, grabbing her around the waist and carrying her to her bed. The two of them tumbled down upon it, Remus hovering over her. He continued to kiss her, some part of him knowing that if they didn't stop soon, he wouldn't be able to, but the other part not really caring too much. He ground his hips into hers and she gasped.

"Remus," she said between kisses.

"Hmm," he managed, sucking lightly on her neck. She got her arms underneath of him and pushed against his chest.

"Remus," she said again. He ignored her and moved to her collarbone, running his tongue slowly along it. "Remus," she gasped, then shoved at him harder. "Stop."

With the most supreme effort, he pulled away from her, sitting up at her side. He raised his knees and rested his elbows on them, dropping his head and breathing heavily. Lily stayed on her back, looking up at the ceiling and breathing just as hard. After a few minutes he turned and looked at her.

"Now do you see why we need to leave the door open?" he asked and she began to giggle. He tried to glare at her, but he lost the battle with one look at her face. Soon both of them were laughing so hard that tears were running down their cheeks.

"All right," she said when they had finally gotten control of themselves. "I see your point." She stood and went to the door, opening it a few inches. She looked back at Remus, who raised one eyebrow. She sighed and opened it a few more. He smiled at her this time when she turned around and she stuck her tongue out at him playfully. He grabbed her around the waist when she walked back toward the bed and she shrieked. He laughed and kissed the tip of her nose, then helped her sit up.

"I've got something for you," he said.

"I thought we decided to open the door," she said cheekily and he rolled his eyes. He took the small box from his pocket and handed it to her.

"Oh, wait, let me get yours," she said, jumping up and opening the door of her wardrobe. She pulled out a long, thin package and handed it to him. "Open yours first," she commanded.

"Bossy, aren't we?" he asked, but ripped into the paper all the same. Inside was a handsome, leather-bound book and the most elegant quill he'd ever seen.

"It's a self-inking quill," she explained. "You're always forgetting your ink bottle when we study, so I thought this would be perfect for you." He chuckled a bit. It was true, he never did seem to have enough ink with him to finish his essays. He picked up the book and opened it. His eyes widened when he read the fly leaf inside.

"Lily this is a first edition," he said. She nodded, smiling happily.

"I found it in an antique bookshop this summer when my mum and I went shopping one day. It was in horrible shape, I don't think the shopkeeper even knew what it was," she explained. "I took it to a book dealer that my dad knows and had it rebound for you." Remus ran his hand lovingly over the cover. Treasure Island had been his favorite as a boy. His mother had read it aloud to him the summer he was 10. He had reread it countless times since.

"This is, I don't even know what to say," Remus said. "Thank you." He leaned forward and kissed her, slowly and lovingly, cupping her cheek when he pulled back from her. "Open yours now," he said, suddenly less sure of his gift than he had been. Hers had been so personal, perfect for him and him alone. Remus rubbed his neck nervously as she took off the paper. Lily opened the lid of the box and gasped, bringing a hand to her mouth.

"Remus, it's beautiful," she whispered, eyes never leaving the pendant in the box.

"Do you really like it?" he asked.

"Of course," she said, looking up at him. "Put it on me?" He nodded and pulled it from the box. She turned around and held her hair off her neck. Remus fumbled with the clasp once, but then managed to put it around her neck and fasten it. Before she let go of her hair, he leaned in a planted a soft kiss just above the clasp. Then he wrapped his arms around her from behind as she picked up the pendant and ran a finger lightly over it. There were two gold hearts, one smaller than the other and completely contained within the larger one.

"When I saw this, I knew that it was perfect, because you carry my heart around in your own," he said, tightening his hold around her. She pulled in a breath and turned her head to look at him. There were tears glistening in her eyes. "Lily?" he asked in concern. Instead of answering, she kissed him, just as softly as he had kissed her. He sighed and deepened the kiss turning her so she was facing him. The next thing either of them noticed was a throat clearing behind them. Remus jumped away from Lily as if he'd been burned and looked into the amused face of Mrs. Evans.

"I just came up to tell you that dinner was nearly ready," she said, a smirk playing about her lips as Remus' face turned a rather impressive shade of red.

"Mum, look at what Remus gave me," Lily said excitedly, jumping off the bed and holding out her necklace. Mrs. Evans admired it and then smiled at Remus.

"It's beautiful Remus," she said. He smiled and ducked his head at the praise. Mrs. Evans took Lily's chin in her hand. "Come down and help me set the table, hm?" she said, kissing her daughter's forehead.

"Mum," Lily said, rolling her eyes, but Remus saw her pleased expression as well.

"I'll help," Remus offered and stood taking Lily's hand. The two teens followed Lily's mother to the dining room, both glancing lovingly at the other as they walked down the stairs.


30 January 1976

Remus plodded back to the common room after his last class of the day. He made his way up the stairs to his dorm, thankful that none of his mates were there. Sinking down onto his bed, he threw an arm over his eyes and sighed. He pulled the small package out from under his pillow and stared at it. It was Lily's birthday and she still wasn't speaking to him.

After dinner on Christmas, the two of them had discussed James and how they would tell him about their relationship. Lily convinced him the best thing to do was to tell him right away when they got back to school. Remus had agreed until he had sat with his friends on the train. Sirius was overly cheerful, but something was wrong about it. Even Peter could tell that his mood was forced. When Sirius finally left their compartment to go and find his latest female conquest, James explained what had happened at Christmas. Sirius had an enormous row with his parents and his mother had subsequently disowned him. Not before his father had given him a nasty beating, his mother slapping him so hard across the face that James could actually discern the handprint when Sirius had finally arrived at Potter Manor.

"He's pretending like it doesn't matter and we all know how much he can't stand his family, but he's still hurt," James said. "Moony, I know that you and he haven't been on the best of terms since everything that happened with Snape, but, well," James paused and ran a hand through his already messy hair. "He needs us right now, mate." Remus nodded wordlessly.

It was true that he hadn't really spoken to Sirius much more than he was absolutely forced to before the Christmas holiday. Remus was still angry with him about what he'd done and truth be told, a small part of him probably always would be. But Sirius was in trouble that much he could tell. This false bravado was actually more concerning than if Sirius had been depressed and angry. An angry Sirius, Remus knew how to handle. A falsely cheery one, he did not.

And so, the three of them had rallied round the fourth of their quartet. Remus knew there was no way he could tell James about Lily now. James would need Sirius once they found out the truth and Sirius was in no shape to be there for James, no matter how he appeared on the outside. Lily had understood, at first, but the longer Remus waited, the more impatient she became. Sirius was very good at hiding things from those not close to him and Lily didn't realize just how much he was really suffering.

She had confronted Remus nearly two weeks before, but he had put her off once again. She hadn't spoken to him since, despite the numerous notes he had given her and even the owl he sent once, trying to explain. She avoided him in the common room and in classes and took to studying on her own or with Mary in a different corner of the library. Even Snape was rarely around anymore, having become more entrenched with his Death Eater wannabe friends.

And that night he and Lily had patrol together. They had arranged it that way the month before so that they could have some time alone on Lily's birthday, but now Remus wasn't sure if they would even speak to each other. He ran a finger over the box again and put it in his pocket. He would still give her the gift, even if she refused to talk to him.

That night he made his way down to the common room and out through the portrait hole to where he usually met Lily. Instead of Lily, however, he came face to face with Dorcas Meadowes, a Ravenclaw sixth year prefect.

"Lily asked me to switch patrols with her tonight," Dorcas said by way of greeting. "Something about her birthday?" Remus nodded, unable to say anything, as the two began walking towards the Great Hall. Dorcas tried to engage Remus in small talk, but finally gave up when he gave nothing more than one word answers and didn't ask her anything in return.

That hour seemed to be the longest of his life. His hand kept straying to the box in his pocket and he wondered just what Lily was doing for her birthday and just who she was celebrating it with. Her dorm mates most likely, Remus thought. He doubted Mary would let her best friend's 16th birthday pass without some kind of celebration. Sighing, Remus glanced at his watch again and was glad to find there were only ten minutes left in his patrol.

As soon as it was over, he said good-bye to Dorcas and trudged back to his dorm. When he stepped through the portrait hole, he was surprised to see the entirety of the fifth years, as well as a few sixth years, sitting on the couches near the fire, a large cake on the table, surrounded by bottles of butterbeer.

"Moony!" Sirius called. "Come have some of Evans' cake." Remus had stopped short just inside the portrait and stared at everyone laughing and joking with each other. Lily looked up from her seat on the floor in front of James and met Remus' eye almost defiantly, before she quickly looked away.

"Come on Moony," James repeated. "It's not chocolate, but it's awfully good." He grinned at Remus and gestured with his eyes toward where Lily sat in front of him, his smile triumphant. Remus felt as if his heart was being ripped out of his chest.

"No thanks, Prongs," Remus said quietly. "I'm really tired. I'll just head up to bed. Happy Birthday Lily." Remus crossed the room and began to climb the stairs, aware of more than one set of eyes on him. He refused to look and see if one was Lily's.

When he reached his dorm, Remus took the small package out of his pocket and ran his finger lightly over the top. Then he opened his trunk and buried the box inside, as far to the bottom as he could get it. He flopped down on his bed without even changing out of his clothes and closed the curtains of his four-poster. He put up a silencing charm for good measure and stared at the canopy until he fell into a fitful sleep.


7 February 1976

It had been another week and Remus was no longer sad and depressed. Well, he was these things, but he was also angry and his anger was trumping his depression at the moment. The morning after Lily's birthday, when he'd woken up feeling worse than he had before he went to sleep, he realized that while he hadn't told James like he promised that he would, there were extenuating circumstances. Things he had tried to explain to Lily and get her to understand. He wasn't refusing to tell James outright, but he needed more time until Sirius got his head on straight again.

Lily, however, seemed to be unable or unwilling to listen. Remus knew it was difficult for her. She still didn't understand completely how the wizarding world worked, even after spending nearly five years in it. And she had absolutely no concept of how pureblood families acted, especially one Noble and Ancient House of Black. She couldn't wrap her mind around growing up with parents that didn't love her, as she had two of the most loving parents there were. She didn't realize that most purebloods had children not out of love, but necessity for carrying on the family name. It was a more a business arrangement than a marriage. Add to that the inbreeding and the madness passed down through the generations, well, Remus had no doubt that Lily could not even begin to fathom what it was like for Sirius.

But that still gave her no excuse for not trying to understand, for not giving Remus the benefit of the doubt and letting him go about telling James in his own way and his own time. And he couldn't understand what she had been doing with James at her birthday party. Was she deliberately trying to make Remus jealous or was she pointing out what she could easily have if the two of them were no longer together? It stung, to be sure, but it also nearly enraged Remus that she would treat not only him, but James, so callously. Especially since she knew how James felt about her.

Remus stalked toward the library determined to find Lily and make her understand. He wouldn't take silence or no for an answer. At this point, even if she didn't want to be with him any longer, he needed her to know what was going on with Sirius.

Remus passed through the library quickly, keeping his eyes open for the auburn haired witch. He found her alone in the back near the restricted session, head bowed over an essay. He cleared his throat when he reached her table and she looked up in surprise. Her expression changed almost immediately to one of cool indifference.

"I need to speak with you," Remus said without preamble. Lily's eyes narrowed.

"Have you spoken to James?" she asked.

"Not about what you want me to," Remus replied coolly.

"Then we have nothing to say to each other," Lily said with a sniff.

"Yes," Remus snapped. "We do." Lily looked up at him again. He could tell she was shocked by his tone, but anyone else wouldn't have been able to see it. "I suggest we go somewhere else. I don't think Madame Pince would appreciate this conversation taking place in the library."

"I've got an essay to finish," Lily said, turning back to the parchment on her desk. Remus gritted his teeth, trying to clamp down on his anger. The full moon was in three days, so it was harder than usual. He didn't want to scare her and he certainly didn't want to hurt her, but he needed to talk to her. He bent down and put his mouth next to her ear.

"You will stop acting like a spoiled child and come with me right now, Lily Evans," he hissed. She glared at him, but something in his expression must have startled her, because he saw her swallow and then turn to gather up her things.

"Fine," she said with a huff. "I'll give you ten minutes." Remus didn't reply, but she would give him all the time he needed, that much he knew.

When Lily had finished putting everything in her bag, she stood and followed Remus from the library. He walked ahead of her, teeth clenched, hands fisted at his sides. Lily, for her part, kept up with his quick pace and soon they reached an unused classroom. Remus opened the door and ushered her inside, his manners still intact despite his temper. Once they had both entered, Remus cast a locking and silencing charm on the door. He then spun to face Lily.

"This has got to stop," he said.

"Why because you say it does and because you're the man, so I have to follow what you say?" she demanded, crossing her arms in front of her.

"No, damn it, because you need to understand just what Sirius is going through right now," Remus retorted.

"Sorry, Remus, but Black doesn't seem to be suffering any ill-effects of whatever happened to him at Christmas," she said with a shrug. "You've told me how much he hated his parents. I'd say he was right chuffed to be rid of them."

"His father beat him Lily!" Remus roared. "His mother slapped him so hard, the mark from her hand didn't come off his cheek for three days, even with the best bruise salve money could buy!" Remus hadn't told Lily the extent of the abuse, just about the disownment and Sirius' mother's slap, not wanting to break his friend's confidence. Lily stood and stared at him with her mouth gaping open for a moment. She recovered quickly however.

"What are you talking about Remus?" she asked with a shake of her head as if she couldn't believe what Remus was saying.

"Sirius'. Father. Beat. Him." Remus repeated. "What part of it don't you understand?" Lily stood in shocked silence. "He showed up at James' house with a bloody back, a broken wrist and broken ribs. Not to mention the handiwork of his mother on his face. When James' brought him inside, he passed out in the hall after coughing up blood. He probably should have gone to St. Mungo's, but neither of James' parents wanted the Blacks to be able to get at Sirius again. So, Mrs. Potter called a healer friend of hers who came and took care of him. He could have died Lily. They don't even know how he managed to make it from his house to James' without collapsing." Remus' anger had slowly morphed into despair for his friend. No matter what Sirius had done with the whole Snape incident, no one deserved to be treated that way, especially by their parents.

Remus looked up at Lily who still hadn't said anything. He was unsurprised to find tears streaming down her cheeks, but a bit surprised that he didn't feel the need to rush to comfort her. She needed to hear this and understand.

"This wasn't the first beating he'd gotten either. Whipping was a regular punishment of Mr. Black's. His mother preferred 'cleaner' punishments, hexes or the cruciatus," Remus continued. Lily gave a strangled sort of cry and began shaking her head. "And there was no child protective service to come in and rescue him. The first thing a pureblood child in a family like Sirius' is taught is that you never reveal the family secrets. What goes on behind closed doors stays there or the next time, it will be worse."

"Stop, Remus, please," Lily begged, but Remus shook his head.

"No, not until you've heard it all," he said. "Not until you understand. This is why I can't say anything to James right now. Sirius may project to everyone that all is fine and wonderful in his world, but it's an act. One that he's gotten good at over the years, out of necessity, but one that James and I can see through. Sirius needs us, all of us, and he won't have that if I tell James the truth." Lily sniffed a little, but Remus could see that her tears were slowing.

"Why didn't you explain this to me before?" she asked. "I would have understood and then we wouldn't have been fighting all these weeks." Remus shook his head.

"Sirius doesn't want people to know," he said. "And I respect my friends' privacy."

"I understand that," Lily said. "But if I'd just known, I wouldn't have been upset." Remus sighed. "What?" Lily asked.

"Why couldn't you just trust me when I said that Sirius needed us right now?" he asked. "Why did I have to give you all the information?"

"Well, Sirius really wasn't acting like he was upset," Lily pointed out.

"That's not what I'm saying Lily," Remus replied, running his hand through his hair tiredly. "I'm saying that you should have trusted me enough to know when the time was right."

"Well, it's not like you've given me any reason to where this subject is concerned," Lily retorted. "You've been telling me for months that you were going to tell James and yet you haven't."

"You know why," Remus said, trying to keep a lid on his temper once again. "There were always reasons."

"Exactly," Lily snapped. "There's always a reason, always some extenuating circumstance. I'm beginning to think that you don't really want anyone to know about us. Maybe you're ashamed of me."

"That's ridiculous," Remus said.

"Is it really Remus?" Lily returned. "You keep assuring me that you're going to tell your friends and yet you never do. You say that you love me but we have to meet in secret. I can't even hold your hand if other people are around. You tell me what that means."

"You know that's only for James' benefit," Remus replied angrily. "It has nothing to do with you."

"So you say," Lily said. Remus threw up his hands in exasperation.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about!" he shouted. "You don't trust me. You can't take anything I say at face value. You expect there to be some ulterior motive behind it. I'm not a bloody Slytherin!"

"No, you're a Gryffindor, or you're supposed to be at any rate," Lily yelled back.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Remus demanded.

"Just that I'm not seeing any real courage from you now, am I?" Lily spat. Remus opened his mouth to reply and then closed it again. His face, which had been red with anger, drained of all color. His shoulders slumped and he looked down at the ground.

"I guess we have nothing left to say to each other then, do we?" he said quietly, as he turned and lifted the spells that were on the door. It wasn't until he had opened the door and stepped into the hall that Lily spoke.

"Remus," she said pleadingly. Remus stopped but didn't turn around, his hand tightening on the knob of the door.

"I'm tired, Lily," he said. "I can't do this anymore." His heart screaming at him to stop, he forced himself to let go of the door and take a step forward and then another. And even when he heard the quiet sobs of Lily behind him, he refused to turn around, but kept walking away from the girl who held his heart within her own.