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xoxo

3. But What is Redemption?

Sirius was sucked into the Time Turner. It was nauseating and a little painful but it also felt exhilarating and invigorating, if he could feel all those feelings at the same time that is.

When he smacked down to the ground, it was in the exact same forest, leaning against the exact same tree. He fell hard and hit his head against the trunk. He swore and rubbed frantically at the spot on his head, trying to stop the pain from spreading. But it was too late.

Ouch. That really had hurt.

Sirius looked around. The sky was lighter, the air was a little chillier and he felt a lot calmer. But instead of jumping up and racing to Potter Manor or looking for his past-self, Sirius thought "What Would Moony Do?", a little expression the Marauders had invented during Hogwarts. Yes, Sirius was going to sit down and think up a logical, clear plan that would work. He had a brilliant mind when he thought; he was just too impulsive when his feelings were too strong. Which was often.

When he was excited, he danced until his muscles groaned in pain. When he was angry, he went and picked fights with a bunch of Slytherins; clearly outnumbered four to one but too proud to back down. During lust, Sirius fucked anyone, anything. And when he was sad he ran away, or he hid from everyone until he was ready to face them.

But this wasn't a time to let his pride or his impetuousness get in the way of such an important mission. As Moody often said, he couldn't let his emotions get in the way. And though it was too late for that, he had to think of this as a mission as opposed to saving the lives of his best friends; his family.

So here was the plan. He would go to James and tell him he was from the future and to not let the past-Sirius persuade him to use Peter as a secret keeper. Whose bright idea was making Peter a secret keeper anyway? Aah. It was his idea. His arrogance once again had been his downfall. If Sirius hadn't thought he was so clever, so smart, then none of this would have happened.

Because he had thought, along with the whole of the Death Eater population that if the Potters were to have a secret keeper he himself would be their first contender. And he was. Naturally, Lily and James had invited him over and told him about their dire situation and he leapt at the opportunity to be the protector of his friends, without them even asking; without them persuading him like they thought they may need to. But after a good night's thinking and an eager morning with James, had he really and deeply thought the plan through.

And suddenly, Sirius thought that maybe him being the secret keeper was a good idea. He thought for a long time, chewing on his lip and rubbing his head as he whispered to himself. Soon, his attention was stolen by a memory, a bitter memory of the fatal day he proposed the idea of Peter being secret keeper.

The day that would hold his biggest regret.

x

'No James, of course I want to be your secret keeper. I volunteered; I wouldn't volunteer if I didn't want to be your protector. But it's the most obvious choice. I'm your best friend! I was your best man, I'm Harry's godfather and I'm like your brother, I am your brother ... they'll come straight after me and I know deep down I'd never give you over but it's not a risk I want to take.'

James nodded, as though everything was finally sinking in. His incorrigible hair was covered with a hat, and there were deep dark bags under his eyes. The knowledge that the Potters were being hunted by Voldemort had taken its toll on James. He wasn't sleeping, wasn't eating, and he was more scared than he ever had been during his twenty one years.

Sirius fell down onto his knees in front of his friend. 'You know me James; you're one of the only people who truly know me.' And he gave his friend a look with more than a million thoughts behind it. James sighed.

'Tell me your plan,' he said with an exhausted voice that was too old for someone so young.

Sirius put his hands softly on his friend's shoulders and poked his head in a jokey way. It was supposed to offer some comfort if that was even possible. 'I'm ... I'm going to pretend to be your secret keeper, but when they find me, I won't have the secret. They'll torture me, but they won't kill me. They'll try Veritiserum, they'll use Occlumency, and they'll use the Cruciatus Curse and Imperio. They'll be desperate Jimmy, and they'll be determined. My reputation precedes me. The Death Eaters will pin it on my stubbornness, my pride and arrogance. They won't think that it could ever be anyone else.'

James's eyes were widening as the truth of his friend's words sunk in. 'You're right Pads, you're totally right.'

'I know boo, I know. Now, the secret will reside inside Wormy, and they'll never guess it could possibly be him. They would never think that Peter Pett—'

'Why Peter?' interrupted James abruptly. Sirius drew back a little, shocked by the intensity of his friend's piercing words.

'What?'

'Why Wormtail? Why not Moony? I mean I love Peter but Remus is more ... he's a lot more intelligent and he can get himself out of tight situations better than me and Peter ... though now I think about it I'm not sure if he'd be better at escaping than you.'

Sirius chewed his lip. Should he be honest and risk getting James mad? He couldn't risk angering or worrying his friend, and his assumption was really just that; an assumption. He didn't exactly believe that Remus John Lupin was bad, just a big liability. And Sirius was fiercely protective. He felt a little uneasy around Peter too, in fact around anyone really.

'I think ... I think Moony would be a better candidate too, and I know he's the most trustworthy of us all but Jimmy...'

'"But Jimmy" what?' and there was that apprehensive and worried glint in James's eye. As though he was anticipating awful news.

'Don't worry Prongs, he hasn't done anything. I'm just worried. Remus is the most loyal of us all, he would never harm either of us. But when he's a werewolf ... when he's transformed on a full moon they could use him, the Death Eaters, the Dark Lord—'

'Voldemort, yes—'

'Voldemort,' resumed Sirius with an exasperated expression, ignoring the habit his family had gotten him into from a young age. 'Voldemort could take him when he's in his form and extract the information. And Voldemort will hunt you, after he's done with Remus – or maybe Remus would kill himself from the guilt —'

'Stop! Stop Sirius, stop!' James cried, with a heartbroken expression. 'You're right Sirius, you're right! But stop. I can't even think of what Moony would do to himself if he ever gave us away. And I know that you're right too, 'bout Voldemort using his wolf form to extract the information but stop. Please stop.' And the indignation and the tragedy and the sorrow suddenly went out, like an extinguished flame.

James slumped against the sofa and buried his head into the cushion. He took out his wand and waved it and a bottle of Ogden's finest wine zoomed into his hand. He didn't even conjure a glass, but pulled the stopped out and gulped greedily. As though a bottle of wine would help drown out the grief of the situation.

'I'm sorry James,' Sirius whispered sadly, getting up off his knees and sitting besides his friend. He took the bottle when offered and gulped with the same frantic and anxious hunger. He wiped his lips as he softly relished in the tingle through his body and the sweet and ripe flavour.

'I'm sorry, and I know Remus would be the least likely to sell us out but it would be wiser to use Pete.'

James nodded, slowly at first. In fact, Sirius thought that maybe Ogden's wine was already taking affect but no, he realised James was just so far out of it.

'It doesn't matter though. Either way I endanger you. Either way, whomever I use, you'll take the brunt of this Sirius. You'll be the one hunted, lusted after. And I can't lose you. Not again. Not after fifth year, not after that depression you went into when Rose left—'

'Regardless of whoever it is, they'll always think it's me. You could choose my Mother, and she'd come begging to Voldemort, telling him she has the secret inside her but they wouldn't believe her. They'd think it's me. And rightly so! I want to do this; I want to be your bait.'

'I don't want to lose you.'

'And you think I want to lose you?' Sirius snapped back, harsher than he intended. He softened his expression. They could hear wailing from upstairs and Sirius sprung up. 'Look, we'll propose the idea to Peter later; right now I have a godson to attend too.'

'It's alright Sirius, I'll do it.'

'No, you have enough on your mind without changing Harry's nappies. Besides, I don't mind doing it. It's fun really; I almost miss having my backside thoroughly wiped for me. And I love thinking up shapes of what his shit reminds me off—'

James laughed softly, the first true smile Sirius had seen him wear. And he felt like he had accomplished something. Perhaps he wouldn't win Rose Taten back, and perhaps he'd lose his next Death Eater fight, but this laughter, this smile represented something greater than any of that. Because it was the day his friend started hoping again, after losing so much faith before.

'There's something wrong with your brain Pads!'

o

Sirius closed his eyes and opened them again. Then he closed them once more. It was a horrible memory. The day his friend started to believe; the day his friend dared to hope. And less than two weeks later he was betrayed. Sirius laughed coldly.

They cast the charm the day before Peter's birthday party. Peter had gone and done all of this when Sirius, James and Remus had thrown him a luxurious and lavish party in Gillyweed, a much celebrated and lusted after restaurant where even 'Stupefy This!' were known to go once in a while.

And they had gotten him luxurious birthday presents as they ate their lavish food and it was one of the first days in months that it was just the Marauders, and only the Marauders, going out together without the worry of Remus not affording it, or Peter not being available, or Mad Eye's damn patronus bursting in on them and telling Sirius to get his pretty arse over to the Ministry.

Now Sirius came to think of it that was the first time in over a year that they had gone out together. Gone out without any worries and without the responsibilities falling on their shoulders. And it had been nice. So very, very nice.

Suddenly, he discarded his idea to tell this past-James. No. He was going straight to the problem; himself. Sirius almost smiled at the absurdity of the idea.

He straightened up, massaging the bruise on the back on his head. It was going to take him a while to get out of the forest without transforming, since the firewhiskey he had consumed decided now of all times to kick right in. And boy did it kick in. He grunted a little as he walked, the forest managing to be in half a dozen places at once.

Sirius tried to recall what he had been doing the day he proposed his idea to James. He had gone to the Ministry to talk to Moody, who ordered he finish the report due tomorrow. Afterwards he had gone shopping for a very adorable Halloween costume to buy Harry – he had chosen a Pumpkin Suit from a shop in Diagon Alley that roared when Harry was annoyed and squealed when delighted. Yes, nifty magic it was. Afterwards he had dropped by to give the Potters the gift and to deliver his proposal. So where was he to go? Of course – to Diagon Alley.

He would wait at the spot where he always stowed his magical bike during visits to Diagon Alley. He would wait until he saw himself and would present the truth. But what was the time? Waving his wand and muttering, 'Tempus,' lights flickered like sun rays before his eyes forming a clock. It was a bit after nine. Had he been sitting for that long? Had James and Lily been gone for that long? It had been before midnight when Sirius had gotten to Godric's Hollow and found his friends dead.

He bit his lip as he vigorously shook his head to clear the horrid memory.

No, his past-self was definitely going to be in the Ministry till at least half ten. Ah, he had a few hours to kill. But how to kill them?

Hmmm. Hard question. Oh, he had the perfect solution. The Leaky Cauldron. And then he grinned. He was going to make everything right. He was going to save James and Lily, he was going to prevent Harry from becoming an orphan and he was not going to let them die in vain.

Sirius closed his eyes (thinking of how much more he preferred riding his beautiful motorbike) and thought of the place he wanted to go. And before he knew it, he was outside the rugged and old doors to the Leaky Cauldron where he'd have some coffee and visualise just how painful he wished to make Peter's death.

A cold and merciless smile flickered over his face.

xo

Sirius sat for a long time, contemplating. He knew this wasn't what was supposed to happen. Fate didn't mean for Sirius to change the course of time. Otherwise he would remember seeing his future self, frenzied and hysterical and pleading for him to not copy the mistakes destiny set out for him but to forge his own path instead. But regardless of fate, this was what he wanted to do; what he hoped to accomplish.

Why else would a Time Turner appear in his pocket? When he had been begging for a solution to the problem Peter had started? Fate was a path forged, Sirius knew that. But since when had he ever followed the paths set out for him?

He thought about what he was going to say to himself, when he got there. Was he going to jump straight onto the wagon or explain for a bit? And what would his past self do? Because if someone looking and sounding exactly like him jumped out and begged him not to persuade James to use Peter, he'd probably stun the bastard and run away.

No, he had to think this through very carefully. He couldn't risk his plan failing. He had one shot, one shot to make sure the right Marauder stayed secret keeper. Sirius drank his tea, licking his lips and setting it down. He wasn't in the mood to be looked up and down the way he was by some of the witches passing through to enter Diagon Alley. He wasn't in the mood to be scrutinised by a few of the men, as if they were sizing him up.

All he wanted to do was go home, or James's which was his home, in every meaning of the word. He wanted to cuddle up near the fireplace listening to the fool of a Minister declaring that they were advancing in the war. He wanted to hear Remus's long lecture on irresponsible behaviour when he got back from a scuffle in Knockturn Alley with a banged up hand and a split lip. He wanted to hear Lily's snide comments agreeing with Remus whilst James tended to his wounds and joked around with him, asking why he hadn't been invited. And more than anything, he wanted to hear Harry crying.

But in less than twenty four hours his world had spun out of control, and he very nearly lost all sense of life and morality. Sirius wasn't someone who clung to life with their very fingertips, like his Mother. He wasn't someone who loved life, in fact most of the time he hated it. Because life was brought people like Voldemort.

People who destroyed the love so many held dear to them and instead brought with it the terrible war which killed so many innocent.

'Tempus,' he muttered again. Seeing the time, Sirius slowly got up, left a solid gold galleon on the table and nodded at Tom the landlord. Tom grinned at him. He ambled over to the brick wall which concealed the entrance to the busiest street in British Wizarding History.

He tapped the bricks with his wand and patiently waited as they melted away, revealing hundreds of rushing witches and wizards; and shops covered with posters to try and attract customers. His walk to the place he always concealed his motorbike was a ten minute walk, and his slow stroll indicated to most that he had time to kill, and no need to rush. He looked around with a vague and numb interest; too consumed in his own problems and issues.

Every time he saw a man of the same height as James, he couldn't remove the mental image of his lifeless corpse spread out on the floor. When he saw a flash of red; be it hair or a poster he thought of the sad smile on Lily's face and he couldn't stop shivering.

Sirius recognised a few people, and nodded or greeted them hastily. They may have thought he was rude, or upset, or perhaps they didn't care. But Sirius hoped they didn't think he was rude, he just didn't have the patience to talk like nothing had happened; like all was well. He wanted to be alone. He didn't want to have to pretend.

The ground under his feet felt soft, like he was walking barefoot in a meadow. His eyes felt strained and raw – like they were aching from staying up all night and crying too much. His voice felt hoarse and unused, despite the screams he had cried only a few hours ago.

Finally he reached the spot where he was soon to arrive on his motorbike, and he looked around. There were high gates a few metres to his left, and a clear spot in front of him. He sat down in the comfort of shadows near a wall and crossed his legs. He balanced his wand on his knee and charmed rocks to dance in the air and spelling out words with the clouds above using a charm he had learnt when he was four.

After what seemed like a further ten or fifteen minutes he could hear the familiar groaning of his bike. Air rushed into his face as the invisible bike slowly descended to the ground. Maybe ten seconds later it flickered into view. His eyes roamed over the sleek and shiny body of the motorbike. It was pretty enormous. Then he looked at his confident and charming self and grimaced, for his past self had a ready smile and a sort of cheerfulness in his movements.

And then Sirius remembered why his past self was so happy. He'd been kept up all night by two very pretty twins. Two blonde twins, both with green eyes and rosy cheeks. They looked like her. But they weren't as good as her. No one could be as good as Rose.

Sirius breathed in deeply and then rolled his wand forward to get attention and show he was unarmed.

'I've come a very long way to tell you something, and I'd appreciate if you would stay quiet. I'm unarmed; all I want is to talk...'

His voice broke on the last word and his eyes became a little watery. Sirius watched as his past self looked around trying to locate the familiar voice, and evidently found it, for identical silver eyes bore into his own.

'Wh-who are you?' The frightened voice declared. 'Dammit, I know who you are! You've got to be fucking about—'

'I'm not fucking about. I'm not a Death Eater, I swear it. If I were a Death Eater I would have killed you in a second and would not've even batted an eyelash.'

Sirius watched as his slightly younger self was shaking his head furiously; accusation and disbelief apparent on his pretty face. 'You've taken Polyjuice Potion, or you've—'

'For fuck's sake! Ask me any question you damn fool, I'm running out of time.'

His younger self put a hand on his hip and cocked up an eyebrow, striving at a challenge. Sirius Black loved challenges. 'What's my middle name?'

'Betelgeuse. And no one knows this, not even Prongs.'

He watched as the man before his gaped and gawked but quickly corrected himself. 'This is ... How did- dear God. You did your research well. How ... erm ... wh-what did you find out and do because of a discovery in second year?'

'We found out Moony was a werewolf, and because of this we became Animagi which wasn't completed until our fifth year. Now can we please just get to the point?'

'Turn into your Animagus form,' ordered the younger Sirius, grinning maliciously as he thought that the "imposter" wouldn't be able to complete this part of the challenge.

Growling, but managing to keep a firm hold of his explosive anger, the original(?) Sirius transformed fast and quick, barking loud and baring his teeth. Then he transformed back and settled into the ground.

The younger man stuttered for a bit, looking around and then back at the time-traveller. Slowly, he waved his wand and the bike turned off. Then he sat down on the floor hesitantly before his identical and older self.

'Why are you here?' young Sirius whispered breathlessly.

'I'm here because I need you to carve your own path, your own destiny. I need you to stay as the secret keeper for Prongs and Lily.'

His younger self gasped, and cocked up an eyebrow. 'How do you—' but the young Sirius must have remembered how his older replica was from the future. 'But I came up with the best plan—'

'I know, I know! You thought that you could use Peter as opposed to yourself because he would be less obvious but it won't work! Not one bit. A week after the spell is cast, Peter betrays them, he betrays you!'

His counterpart started shaking his head. 'No, no, you're lying. He's a Marauder, he wouldn't betray us.'

The Sirius with the bags under his eyes and the hoarse voice shook his head, and in an almost timid whisper, said – 'That's what I thought.'

There was a silence for a few minutes; quite and resounding and filled with questions that weren't asked and couldn't be answered. Sirius was patient as the younger boy took time to adjust to the unbelievable fact he had just heard. It settled deep in his mind, like a poisonous seed and started to grow.

Peter Pettigrew; how could Peter betray them? How could he? But then again Peter was always one for self-preservation. He had always been scared and reluctant to duel with Slytherins purely for pride, especially when the Marauders were clearly outnumbered and knew they would lose. He had always been scared to dash off to the kitchens but loved when the others did it. To put it bluntly, Peter had no backbone. But after all Remus, Sirius and James had done for him, the Marauders had never expected his betrayal. But thanks to Sirius, they would never have to know.

He would just find some way to get rid of Peter.

'This is ... so much to take in.' a startled voice whispered. 'What do I do?'

'I came back because I don't want you to be the reason they die. I don't want us to get the blame for their deaths because that will happen! It ... It was horrible.' Sirius croaked as the images of the exploded home and the dead bodies of his friends sprawled across the floor flickered like a flame in his mind. 'Harry survived, Harry survives, but Pro—' He stopped himself, feeling a large lump in his throat settle, preventing him from opening his mouth and finishing the sentence. 'They don't survive.' His voice broke.

There was a silence ... then - 'You came all this way?'

'I came all this way to make sure you do it! Or you get Dumbledore or Moony ... someone, anyone but Peter to become their secret keeper.'

There was a silence with a volume and depth to it, unfathomable to anyone other than Sirius. It was a pregnant pause that echoed for a few moments and finally, the Sirius who still had yet to choose which path to take, nodded.

'I'll be their secret keeper of course. I only trust myself for it, now more than ever. I ... I'll be their protector. And I won't let Peter get away with this.'

'Good, because when I get back to my time just ten days ahead, I'm hunting the bastard down and giving him a message I hope he'll remember.'

And the anger and raw emotion in his eyes would have been enough to make even Lord Voldemort quake. It must have been twenty minutes when Sirius finally finished with explaining the whole story, of how it took quite a while to persuade James to use Peter, and how Peter had betrayed the Potters eight days after the charm was cast.

His younger self was angry; in fact angry was an understatement. He was fuming. His white skin was red and his eyes were almost golden with passion. His fists were balled and his knuckles were white.

'I'm going to kill him—'

'You can't. Death would be merciful. Curse him, hurt him but don't kill him. Tell Dumbledore and have him sent to Azkaban. I'm sure Peter has the Dark Mark but we haven't seen it yet. The Order already expected a spy months ago.'

'But he's ... I can't believe he's done this. I still can't believe he's done this.'

'I can't as well. But he'll get what's coming to him, don't worry.'

Then they simultaneously shivered. For they were the same man, and the fear they felt for Azkaban's Dementors was as potent in the future Sirius as it was for the past version of himself.

'And I thought Remus was most likely to be the spy, if I'm brutally honest...'

The future-Sirius barked a laugh. 'I love that man so much. I thought he was too. I feel sick with myself now.'

'I ... I was going to go shopping for Harry but I'm just not up to it...'

'Get him a Halloween costume, preferably a pumpkin.' Sirius interjected a little forcefully. 'You have to stay calm and subtle. The Sirius they know would go out and get a dancing suit or a shrieking scarf for Halloween; he wouldn't be depressed nor would he stand there and cry. You need them to think everything is alright!'

The younger man (by a few days) nodded and started breathing in and out. 'Okay, okay I'll do it. I'll be subtle and I'll stay normal. The Sirius they know.'

'The Sirius they know.' The older one settled back into the brick wall, a content though entering his mind and seeping through his body. He sighed and almost smiled. Almost.

His job was done.

xoxo

He didn't have a classification for himself, because to him the man who he had just seen was a future version from ten days ahead. But if he did identify himself it would be the Sirius from Ten Days in the Past.

Sirius was still shocked at the news the sad and angry young man had told him about Peter.

It had to be a Death Eater trying to trick him. It wasn't true, it wasn't real. Peter Pettigrew hadn't sold them out for his own skin. The Marauders were a symbol that friendship was more powerful than anything; that love was more powerful than anything. The Marauders were the antithesis of what Voldemort and his Death Eaters stood for. And by Peter's infidelity and unfaithfulness, it showed that Voldemort was winning and his beliefs were winning.

If the Sirius Black from the future hadn't come, was this the fate that awaited him in ten days? Being on the run whilst his best friend was dead and the Marauders' friendship lay in tatters on the ground.

Yes, that was what had awaited him. But thanks to the warning it wouldn't happen, Sirius thought. He would go to James now (he had already purchased some gifts) and would tell him he wanted to stick to the idea of him being the secret keeper. And Sirius would make a good secret keeper. He had levels of how much he could take – one to ten. The furthest anyone had ever reached was nine; and obviously it was his Mother. Only she could push his buttons like that.

Voldemort could torture him and hurt him and maybe Sirius at the end of it would be exhausted and sad but he would never, ever sell his friends out. Not after he knew the consequences. The Sirius from the future had told him the instructions and then put the time turner around his neck, wished him good luck and was sucked into a sort of dark and gloomy looking vortex.

And so here he was, about to apparate to James's house and tell him he was more than glad to be the secret keeper. Only his stomach was dancing, and his throat had gone dry all thanks to a Sirius from a future that he prayed would never exist.

The handsome Black looked around and then apparated after being satisfied with the emptiness of the street he was on. He gasped for air when he arrived at the Potter Manor; apparation was not his strong suit. He much preferred riding his motorbike. He would go and get it later.

Sirius loped up to the gates, and touched it briefly with his fingertips. The gates leapt aside after warmly greeting him, and he hurried across the grass and greenery to the front door. Breathing in calmly for a good few seconds, Sirius chanted what the other had told him; be the Sirius they know...

He would be inconspicuous. He would be subtle. He would make sure they knew nothing was wrong.

Sirius knocked.

The door however, was not answered by James or Lily, but instead, by a tired and disappointed Dumbledore.

'Hello.'


A/N: I've tried to show clearly which Sirius is which, and I'd like to say now that for the rest of the story, the narration from Sirius will be from the past-one, the one who just found out about Peter, not the one this story started off with, if that makes sense.

But if you don't understand which Sirius is which, feel free to PM me :)

This took like a week to write, so have pity on me and spend just a few moments reviewing.

-xo