DARKNESS WITHIN
Part Three
Rogue had been lost deep in thought sitting at the kitchen table staring into space when Kitty Pryde came rushing in with her voice so shrill it could have practically shattered glass. The day had been astoundingly difficult to endure, the being brought out of her room and then learning of Remy LeBeau's amnesia. It seemed some horrible cruel irony that he had finally awakened but remembered absolutely nothing of the months leading up to his coma.
Kitty's cries brought Rogue out of her reverie. "What the heck happened to our room!?"
Rogue turned to look at the girl, who was pale, and wild-eyed. "Oh...yeah, that..." she asked, her tone monotone, devoid of the feelings she'd been denying herself since seeing Remy once again.
"That?" Kitty asked incredulously, as if Rogue's mention of it had been some simple little thing that could have been so easily overlooked. "That looks like a wrecking ball was let loose in there!"
Yeah, thought Rogue wryly. It was made of Adamantium and has more hair than a brown bear.
"What now?! What about all our stuff?! What about where we're meant to sleep?!" Kitty asked frantically, then her eyes studied Rogue, and she paused for a moment. "You're...downstairs..." she seemed to realise suddenly. "You're out of the room..."
"Yeah..." Rogue sighed, "well...Ah had no choice, did Ah?" she said pointedly.
Kitty slowly approached and sat at the opposite side of the table. "What happened? Did you...did you try to do it again?" she asked worriedly. Rogue could only assume that by it, her room-mate meant attempted suicide.
"No," Rogue shook her head, she stared down at the table, drawing her hands away from the table top so they wouldn't be anywhere near the reach of Kitty's. She knew whenever Kitty was concerned these days she had that gentle tendency to always reach out to touch someone, so better to avoid it altogether. "It...was just...somethin' stupid."
"Define 'stupid'," offered Kitty.
Rogue refused quietly, "Ah don't want to talk about it," she shook her head a little and pursed her lips.
Kitty groaned.
"Ah'll tell you later," Rogue assured, "Just...Ah'm really not in the mood right now."
"You're not in the mood?" Kitty gave an ironic laugh, "My wall is ruined...my furniture is wrecked...we have no window and it's like, freezing up there...what the hell are we meant to do at bed time?"
"Ororo already settled it earlier. We're movin' into the guest room in the attic tonight. Ah'm gonna sleep on an air mattress, you can have the bed..." Rogue shrugged. That room was where Remy slept last before Ah ruined his life. Ah don't think Ah even want to sleep in there. Maybe Ah can just sleep in here. Or in the rec room on the couch.
Kitty swept her hand through her bangs, sighing tiredly. After a moment, she studied Rogue's face and remarked, "you look upset."
"Remy came to," Rogue responded, her voice weak. She saw no reason to withhold the information, she was sure the Professor or Logan would divulge it soon enough if she herself didn't. Secrets didn't stay secrets long in this place.
"He did? Seriously?" Kitty gaped, "that's...that's like, really-" she began, seeming to be searching for some kind of positive comment to make.
"He doesn't remember," Rogue sighed, "not a damn thing. Not the evolution...not workin' for Magneto...not...bein' with me. Ah saw the look in his eyes, as if he just barely knew who Ah was. He's not even sure what he remembers bein' the last thing that happened to him. He remembers when he took me to New Orleans...that was nearly a year ago...it's like...it's like Ah've stolen a whole year of his life..."
Kitty ever so rarely swore, but quietly, she too stared into space and said, "oh fuck."
Rogue shook her head in disgust with the way fate had decided to deal her a bum hand. "Ah didn't expect...that if he ever woke up things would be hunky dory...you know that."
"I know," Kitty said softly.
"But Ah didn't expect..." Rogue sighed sadly, "Ah didn't think it was...gonna all be...as if nothin' ever happened..."
Kitty nodded, understanding.
Rogue stood up slowly and walked over to the window to stare outside. It had begun to grow dark and she gingerly pushed the slats of the blinds apart with the tips of her gloved fingers, hoping they wouldn't snap under the strain. "Ah don't know how Ah held myself together. Ah was close to breakin' down...Ah could feel it comin'...just the same way it always does...but Ah was so afraid of scarin' him. He doesn't remember a goddamn thing...Ah couldn't risk freakin' him out more than he is already..."
Saying nothing, Kitty listened closely. Rogue felt her eyes on her back the entire time.
"Maybe Ah'm lookin' at it all wrong..."
"How'd you mean?" asked Kitty.
"Way it stands, it's probably all in Remy's interest if he doesn't remember a damn thing. That way he can start off his life where he left it before he ever came to this place..." her eyes followed a dark cloud sweeping by in the nearly dark sky.
"You think that'd...be good for him? If he didn't ever remember?" asked Kitty carefully.
"It's what he wanted, you know," Rogue responded, her voice thick with emotion as she turned to look over her shoulder at the girl, "for me to take away some of the memories of the bad shit that went down before he and Ah got together."
Kitty said nothing to this.
Rogue drew a breath and she held back tears, "Ah don't want him to have to remember the stuff he had to go through. It damn near broke him. But...Ah never...Ah didn't..." she trailed off. "But Ah didn't..." she found it hard to complete the thought, becoming more and more choked up.
"But you didn't want him to forget about you either..." Kitty finished for her gently.
Rogue closed her eyes and tried to recompose herself, "it'd be easier for him if it stays that way. That way...he doesn't have to put up with the problems bein' with me would have caused. He never wanted to fall in love...he told me that. He'll...he'll have a better life not knowin' what we meant to each other."
"Maybe it's not permanent, Rogue. This...is amnesia, I mean...amnesia can be temporary, especially after a coma."
"But this wasn't a normal coma..." Rogue reminded, "this was my power induced coma...Ah absorbed those memories and now Ah own them. Ah remember things he doesn't. Ah have those feelings stored up inside my head."
"But you've absorbed memories before...and people have gotten them back," Kitty reminded, "stuff you've absorbed from me...I've remembered them afterwards."
"But not like this..." Rogue shook her head, "if you were me...you'd know the difference."
"How different is it?" Kitty wondered aloud.
"The things he can't remember about what happened, the things he felt, the things he said, that he did...those memories are mine now. Ah don't see them through his eyes, but through mine, as if Ah lived them. They're as vivid now as they were the day Ah absorbed them. They haven't faded like the other memories have."
"So...you think you have them permanently...that he can't get those back? Aren't you jumping the gun? He just woke up. For all you know, tomorrow morning he might remember everything...and he might want to pick up right where he left off with you."
"That's not gonna happen," Rogue hugged herself; it took all her strength to hold back tears. "Even if he did remember, and in my gut Ah feel he won't...now there's just so much danger that...we could never...Ah could never have anythin' with him. Or anyone."
"Because of your new powers?" Kitty asked softly.
Rogue gave a small nod, closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. "Ah can't touch anythin' without destroyin' it...the mess up there...Ah did that...and Ah didn't break a sweat. Ah barely pushed him..."
"Who?" Kitty frowned.
"Logan," Rogue finally admitted, wondering why try to keep it from Kitty when she was bound to see the bruises on Logan eventually and put one and one together.
"You threw Logan through our window?" Kitty gaped.
"He threw me. He provoked me...told me Ah need to get out of this funk...tried to make me fight...and Ah threw him across the room...that's what did all the damage...my doin' that..."
"But-"
"But nothin'," Rogue sighed, "Ah'm dangerous...Ah'm gonna end up seriously killin' someone...it's why Ah need to be back in my room...alone...where Ah can't hurt anyone."
"You'll learn to control this, Rogue...it's just gonna take time."
"No..." Rogue refused to believe this, "it's been months...and believe me, Ah have tried to be gentle with the things Ah own, but even those crack and snap at the slightest touch. Ah feel like...Ah'm standin' on a field of land-mines and it's only a matter of time before Ah make the wrong move and hurt someone bad..."
"It won't happen," Kitty said sternly, "Logan is right you know. You need to stop this stuff. Maybe..." she dropped her blue eyes to the table and seemed slightly conflicted for a moment, "maybe..."
"Maybe what?"
"Maybe you should go on medication, like the doctor said."
"It didn't work for Wanda."
"You're not Wanda. And you never will be Wanda," Kitty assured, she pushed herself up from the table. "You're upset...your head is in a mess 'cause of what happened, believe me, I get it..." she moved over slowly. "But you're not doing yourself any favours hiding from the world and refusing help."
Rogue put her hands in her hair and sighed deeply again. She wished at least one person would see it her way.
"You've already taken the first step, Rogue. You've gotten out of the room...you've seen Remy again. Don't you feel good about that?"
"No. Ah feel worse."
"How?" demanded the petite girl, "how can you feel worse than you did when you were cooped up in our room?"
"You don't understand, Kitty...Ah'm in a strange place...and Ah don't know these people any more. What's worse is Ah don't know the Remy LeBeau in that bed...and he certainly doesn't know me. We're strangers...we're nothin' to each other. It's as if...everythin' we had was erased."
"You miss him?"
Rogue felt her eyes brim with tears, "every day."
"Then spend time with him," Kitty advised quite simply, as if the task suggested was as simple as suggesting what to make for dinner, or what shoes to wear.
"It's not that simple!" Rogue responded in dismay.
"Why not?"
"Ah can't spend time with him! Ah can't tell him anythin'. He can't know what don't know how to be around him any more."
"You don't have to tell him anything. Gosh...go to see him and see if he needs anything...maybe he's like...bored in there, or...wants...I don't know, an extra pillow. Find an excuse."
Rogue shook her head sullenly.
Kitty moved to the fridge swiftly and pulled out a can of soda from the bottom, she tossed it to Rogue, "here."
Catching it gingerly, Rogue stared down at the can in her hands, hoping she hadn't dented it and it was about to explode like the ones she'd touched in the past had. "What's this for?"
"Take him it, say you thought he might want something to drink. All they'll be giving him is water."
Rogue chewed the inside of her cheek as she stared down at it.
"Look, you want to see him again, right?" Kitty asked. "You've done nothing but worry about him since the day he went into that Coma...I don't know how you can stand not being with him right now."
"Ah have to keep a distance," Rogue uttered miserably.
"Did the Professor say that? Did Hank?"
"Uh...no..." Rogue answered sheepishly. She supposed it was true. Neither the Professor nor Hank had ordered her to keep a distance. Logan hadn't either. Would it really be breaking any rules if she made contact with the boy again? "They didn't set any rules about it..."
"Then go," Kitty gestured to the open door. "Just...be casual."
"Casual," Rogue sighed as she headed for the door. After three months of being reclusive, Rogue wasn't even sure she knew how to be casual any more. "Just...be casual," she repeated quietly to herself, with an ironic laugh. "Right."
Remy was tired but couldn't sleep. It astounded him how he could have been in a comatose state for three months yet be so completely exhausted and empty of energy. Wasn't a coma essentially non-stop bed-rest?
There was a window in the room, but the bed was too far for him to even reach the blinds and open them so he could see what was outside. He could only make out the slithers of darkness beyond them as the early night was drawing in. He gave a sigh. He wished he could find the energy at least to get up and go to look outside, but right now he just felt too weak.
I feel...drained, he thought unhappily.
He couldn't take his mind off of how he'd ended up here. Why were they all being so secretive? What had happened? What had he done to wind up in a coma? Why were they being so seemingly caring and determined to take good care of him? It seemed quite unnatural to him. Hard life lessons had taught him that when people were too nice, they had to be up to something. Somehow, it didn't seem outside of the X-Men's nature – they'd always been that type. Goody-two-shoes, always willing to help anyone. All the same, he didn't trust this completely. Something was definitely off, but he couldn't quite put his finger on what that was exactly but his instincts told him something was very wrong. They were hiding something.
A soft light footstep at the door brought his attention to someone entering the hospital room. From the well lit hallway outside, he saw the shadow of her before she entered, her lean lanky somehow slightly taller than he remembered frame was swathed in fleece pyjamas, the same ones she'd been wearing earlier. Didn't this girl ever dress any more? It must have been five or six pm, surely, but she was still in her pyjamas?
"Rogue," he said, his voice slightly dry. He tried to lean up and it took effort. He hated that he felt so weak, so goddamn helpless.
Rogue moved over slowly, seeming sheepish, and shy. Her pale face was so bare of makeup and unlike how he was used to seeing her look. She seemed oddly childlike, but thin and worn, like a girl who had seen and endured too much and become strangely haunted by it that it had become etched into her face.
It was right there beyond those green eyes of hers. Those eyes looked so different too, they were not the same eyes. The colour was off. Contacts, maybe, he reasoned. The green was slightly different, more vivid almost than the pale dull green they had been before.
Oddly, he found himself missing that green, but he couldn't fathom why.
"Ah...Ah thought you might be thirsty..." she moved around the bed, deliberately side-stepping and keeping her distance in a very odd unnatural way. He watched her, confused by this odd behaviour. Rogue dropped the can gingerly onto the nightstand almost as if the thing may be a bomb about to go off at any moment. She slowly stepped back, folding her arms insecurely across her stomach.
"I am, kind of..." he admitted, he turned to look at it, trying to decide if he had the energy to reach for it. He moved his arm but it was weak and shaky; he hated showing that vulnerability to anyone. He felt Rogue's eyes follow his every movement as he managed to, after almost a minute, to grasp the cold can in his weak fingers. Opening it provided more difficulty than the reaching had, his finger couldn't seem to hook under the tab and just kept slipping off, the tab clicking with each unsuccessful attempt. Too weak to even open a can of soda...where the hell is all the energy I used to have...why do I feel so drained? "Can't...get it open," he complained. "Coma took all my strength I guess."
Rogue looked at the can in his hands, her expression so mixed with concern and upset. Why did she seem so upset? This was happening to him, not her.
"Could you...?" he held it to her, hand barely strong enough to hold it up for too long without him nearly dropping it.
Uncertainly, she stepped nearer and took it; he spotted it the instant she grasped it, that she made sure to take it from the bottom as his fingers had it from the top. She was afraid to let their hands touch...even though she was wearing gloves. He had noted before the pyjama sleeves duct-taped to her gloves. But now, it seemed even more worrying. She'd never been this up tight about her powers before, had she? His eyes dropped to her feet, even the ankles of her pyjama bottoms were duct-taped to her thick socks. Her feet looked oddly misshapen within those socks, far larger and fatter than they should have been for someone of her body type. Was she wearing more than one pair of socks?
Remy was an observant man, and he could observe right away something was horribly wrong when it came to this girl. Something that hadn't been wrong before. She's genuinely afraid of touchin' me...real afraid...
Rogue awkwardly tried to pop the tab, and Remy observed still. She didn't even remove a glove to do this, and she stood there, her thumb slipping clumsily from the edge of the tab. It seemed she wasn't even putting proper effort into doing it...trying half-heartedly almost.
After several failed attempts of popping the tab, Remy cleared his dry throat and commented a little hoarsely, "perhaps you should take your gloves off first."
"Ah can do this," she grunted, her expression focused. Eventually, she managed to pop it with an expression that spoke of how absolutely petrified she was that she would cause something to wrong. She held it out to him to take it, it dangling from the tips of her gloved fingers. As he took it, she moved hastily again, this time towards the window.
"Thanks," he said, watching her as he weakly raised the can to his lips to take a sip. Cola tasted better than he remembered. It was the perfect temperature too.
"How do you feel now?" Rogue asked with some unease as she gingerly put a finger upon the slats of the blind and pried them apart a little to stare outside.
"Like shit," he decided to admit. Why try to hide it? She could already see that he was lying here vulnerable like a newborn. "Drained."
He wasn't sure what it was about his response, but Rogue spun around and looked at him with some alarm, and as she did, the blind fell from the fitting almost as if she'd yanked it down with all her might. It made a loud crashing sound upon the floor, and she gasped, looking at it with shock, her eyes seeming almost watery. "Ah...Ah..." she stammered, her lip trembling.
"Guess that wasn't fitted very well," Remy mused, looking down at it. He was glad to see it go, at least now he could see out of the window, although admittedly there wasn't much to see from where he was.
Rogue put her arms back around herself, she chewed her lip, looking quite distressed. Her face seemed to burn so scarlet that he wondered if he'd be able to feel the heat from her cheeks soon regardless of how far away she stood.
"Somethin' wrong?" he asked.
"Nothin'," she shook her head, her eyes dropped down to the blind again. Something about it sure worried her; Remy reasoned she was probably expecting to be reprimanded for that.
"You...you're real different from how I remember," he admitted. "Not just the hair...it's...everything. You look thin...and pale..."
"Always was," she admitted, she side stepped away from the window to where the wall was.
"You okay?"
"Ah'm fine."
No you're not, he thought. To Remy, she looked torn, and confused, and extremely guilty of something, but what he couldn't exactly pinpoint. The word damaged came to him like the flashing of a sign of a Las Vegas Casino. She'd seemed to him damaged before, of course, but now...all he could see was a very damaged girl. A very unhappy and extremely broken girl. She was a porcelain figurine that had fallen from the mantle; she'd most likely been glued back together, but the cracks most definitely showed. What had gotten her in that condition? Who pushed her off the mantle, he wondered.
"I think I liked your hair how it was, you know," he said, simply for something to say. "Not that...I don't like what you did with it, but...you know, there was nothing wrong with it before."
"Ah..." she touched her own hair frustratedly, "Ah needed a change," she finally stated, her voice slightly stammering.
Really, you're going to talk to her about hair? He thought at himself. What else is there to talk about though? I can't pussy foot around this forever, I need to know what the hell is going on..
"Rogue...can't you just tell me what the hell is goin' on?" he finally asked. He stared at her, drinking in every little detail that was different, comparing each one. The eyes, the thinness, the paleness, the hair, the demeanour. She was like a completely different person, yet oddly the same. A stranger, but not a stranger.
"Ah..." she drew her breath, "Ah don't know what you mean, Remy."
Did she just call me by name? It struck him odd. It took only a second to occur to him that the reason it struck him as so odd was that she never had called him by his first name before, and not only that but it sounded so very familiar. The way it had rolled so very easily from her tongue almost suggested she'd said before a hundred times. Perhaps a thousand? It alarmed him more than it should have.
Rogue drew her breath, she blinked, realising she'd used his name and tried to correct her mistake. The cover up was poor, and he saw through it. "Gambit..." she said, "sorry, Ah just...when you're not in...you know...your uniform, Ah try not to see you like...Magneto's lackey."
"I ain't worked for Magneto for quite some time, chere," he admitted.
"Oh..." she said, so quietly it was barely a breath. Her eyes shifted from spot to spot in the room, avoiding him.
"Did...I really sign up to be one of you?"
"Ah don't know," Rogue shrugged, "Ah haven't asked."
"You're sure you didn't know?"
"Ah had no idea about it, Ah swear."
"Oh."
"Ah...should go..."
"So you're gonna leave me like this...no info at all...nothin' to go on as to what happened, how I got here...?" he asked.
"Ah can't...Ah'm sorry," Rogue made her way for the door, "do...you need anything else?" she stopped, hovering awkwardly there.
"An explanation."
"That's...Ah'm sorry," she shook her head, "but if you need anythin' else..."
"Will you come again?" he asked. With a little more persuasion, I can get it out of her, charm her...all it'd take is a little charm, once I feel strong enough to make some effort. She definitely knows something and I need to piece this together before I get out of this place or I might never know what the hell happened to me and how I got here.
She seemed almost hurt by the request, her shoulders seemed to sink in response. "Do...you want me to?" she asked quietly.
"It's kind of...lonely down here, you know?" he forced a smile, tried desperately to make it genuine.
"You want me to send down one of the guys to hang?" she asked, her breath drawn a little, her eyes averted from his. She was deliberately avoiding even seeing his smile. He couldn't deny to himself this left him feeling slightly crestfallen. Girls didn't normally avoid looking at him. He supposed his charm was beyond working on her now, perhaps she was too damaged for it to work? Or perhaps she was just too wise.
"I don't quite think they're my type of people," he admitted. He couldn't quite see himself getting along with any of them, they were strangers as far as he concerned, and Rogue was after all the only one he'd ever spoken to in a vaguely more personal nature. Besides, he felt more connected to Rogue. There was an odd bond he felt with her, she was a strange sort of outcast, had been used most of her life, just as he had. They were more alike than different, it made her somehow easier to be around. At least, that was how he felt it to be.
"How about one of the girls?" she offered with a sigh.
Is she really that desperate to avoid bein' alone with me? He wondered. "Not unless any of them give head and hand-jobs," he cracked. He realised it was the wrong thing to say, as her face suddenly darkened.
"That's not funny..." she snapped, her eyes looking quite glassy.
Wrong joke to make, you don't make jokes about sex to a girl who can't have sex or a relationship. What was I thinking? Why do I always run my mouth like that?
"I was kidding. Lighten up, chere..." he said, softening his voice a little.
Rogue recomposed herself, "Ah'll...send someone to fix the blinds," she said, her voice quite thick.
"Actually, leave it," he suggested, glancing to the window.
"Don't you want some privacy?"
"I ain't got nothin' to hide, unless it's the catheter..." he raised the blanket and looked miserably underneath it at the catheter. "This is quite uncomfortable, by the way."
"Oh..." she didn't seem to know what to say to this, her cheeks turned pink, her eyes averted. "Ah don't really...know...about that...stuff..." she confessed.
"They stuck a tube up my dick...and it ain't fun."
"Oh."
"You mind seein' if maybe you can get your professor or the Beast to take it out so I can pee like a human bein' again?" he asked.
"Ah'll...uh...okay...if...if Ah see someone...Ah'll ask about it," she nodded slowly.
Maybe shouldn't have brought it up, she looks embarrassed, but hell, what else we meant to talk about? She's not bein' too social.
"Don't worry about the blinds..." he tried to cheer her up a little and take her mind off of the embarrassing subject. "Least I'll have somethin' to look out of...not that I can see much from here..."
"You can't?" she asked, she frowned a little as she moved to the side of the bed to see if she could look at his view. She took a moment and seemed to agree with the rather bleak look of nothing but darkness outside. Remy turned to look at her curiously as she put her hands on the edge of the bed and pushed. With the sound of the metal feet grinding against the tile floor, the bed shifted easily, as if it weighed nothing at all to her, and it slid along the floor nearer the window to where he could see the view outside, part of the gardens lit up by the outdoor lamps at least. After looking outside, he turned back to her, and gaped.
"You're stronger than you look," he said, quite impressed with this. "Been workin' out, huh?"
"Yeah," she responded in an almost apologetic way as she moved back and headed towards the door.
"Rogue...?"
"Hmm?" she stopped there and looked over her shoulder.
"What happened to you?" he had to ask. Because something clearly had happened. She wasn't the same girl, she just wasn't.
"Everythin' changes, Remy. Everyone evolves," she said, almost in a whisper, and with these words she disappeared leaving him with so many questions, and the loneliness and despair of being bed-ridden.
End of Part Three
Eep. I had hoped to have this updated sooner but finding the time and indeed, inspiration to get on with the story has been a bit of a struggle. Hopefully you all liked this part, and all I can do is apologise for allowing it to take so long for me to actually upload it. Hope you're all well 3
