Back after a looooong hiatus. I have not gone over this thoroughly, so let me know if there are any problems. Read and enjoy.


Molly Weasley was an unhappy woman. Not only had her eldest son confiscated all her 'Victorian Secret' lingerie, but he had also done something else. Sadly, because the narrator is not getting enough reviews he has bad English grammar use and Molly sad forgot what thing only.

Unfortunately, it is an unfortunate thing that the narrator has unfortunately forgotten what unfortunate Mrs. Weasley was unfortunately considering herself unfortunate for. While it is unfortunate that the unfortunate narrator unfortunately forgot what the unfortunate circumstances were about, he… nothing. He has unfortunately forgotten what he was unfortunately considering himself unfortunate for. It is often said that there are three things that happen to you once you get old. First, you get forgetful…and I have forgotten the other two. And I'm not even out of my teens. Woe is me.

Anyway, where were we? Oh yes, that Mrs. Weasley's misfortune, yeah. Mrs. Weasley called her youngest son Ronald into her extremely private bedroom and shut the door firmly, with all the latches and stuff. Just in case you were getting excited, let me tell you that she wasn't into incest, ok? She just wanted to talk with him.

"Ronald," she said. Ronald groaned in reply.

"Today I will tell you a great secret. One that concerns your birth. Let me tell you today." She said.

Ron managed to say something coherent. "What is it?" he asked her.

"Your father isn't Mr. Weasley"

"Never said he was," Ron muttered to himself.

Mrs. Weasley's eyes flashed. "None of your cheek, bast*rd," she said. Please excuse the expletive. She actually didn't use it; it was just that the narrator added it to induce excitement.

"Yeah, alright. So who is my father?"

"Your father is Mister Lucius Malfoy."

Ronald's colossal brain tried to review the piece of information, simultaneously while trying to scratch his head. Finally, a good five minutes later he started speaking again. "Mom you were raped?"

"Well, at first, yes."

Let us draw the curtain of charity over this unfortunate incident and go to the Potter house where unfortunately there was no unfortunate incident that the unfortunate narrator could use to heap more and more unfortunate circumstances on the unfortunate reader.

Potter House

Back in the Potter house, Harry was constructively criticizing Mrs. Potter's outfit.

"You look like a b*tch," he said. "And use less make-up if you don't want to look like a stripper," he advised.

Obviously, this started a full scale war, back at home. James took Lily's side and Aditya went to his room, leaving Harry to fend of for himself. It was only after Harry admitted that he had never seen Lily work in a strip club that he was allowed to go to his own room.

Lily was happy that Harry had confessed that he had never seen her in any of the strip clubs he went to. She went to change into some more conservative clothes and remove the excess makeup. Harry went to his room to change his clothes and read the newspaper. Unfortunately (have I been using this word too much? Should I change it so that you guys don't shoot me? What about…unluckily?). Errr…yeah so anyway, unluckily for him, the newspaper was none other than…the Moon. For the blissfully unaware reader, the Moon is the newspaper that puts in photos of naked women on its leaves for no reason at all. Which was also the reason why everybody read the so called 'newspaper', or more appropriately put, 'nudespaper'. The headline was shocking, to say the least.

Eating Cheese Makes You Have Less Sex With Beautiful Women!

A study conducted on mice proved that the mice that ate cheese (which is in fact, all of them) did not have sex with beautiful women. We don't know what that means, but this is the way research is done nowadays.

"This is amazing news!" said professor somebody from an unheard of college or university or something. Last heard, that professor was going to Geneva for a Noble prize, whatever that is. And now, turn to page 3 for the nude pictures of a gorgeous seventeen year old who we promise is eighteen and above legal age to do this shit.

Harry broke into a cold sweat. The only two things he could think of now were cheese, beautiful women and for some inexplicable reason, lapdancers. He hid the newspaper before his consorts arrived from their quest to find whether Lily worked in any of the local strip clubs. He didn't hide it because of the headline. In fact, he wasn't even sure whether they could read or not. He just had a suspicion that the two were sensually attracted to women.

Today, a secret place

The teenager was hunched over his laptop computer, trying to think of what to write. He gave it up as a bad job. Maybe one of those losers can write this damn fic, he thought. Unexpectedly, the phone rang. A seductive female voice asked him, "is this Mr. Beatlemaniac?"

Heart hammering, he replied, "Yes it is. What do you want?"

"Write another chapter of that rockstar fic, Mr. Beatlemaniac. You will get a reward from me, I promise."

"Your wish is my command. You will have the chapter ready by today."

Same time, somewhere in Great Britain

A rotund gentleman gulped down his beer and belched noisily. "Told you it'll work," he said. "I know authors, they are all sons of bitch*s. This one is no exception."

His friend, a gentleman of similar proportions said, "You are right. This voice manipulator shit works great. Might as well avenge our loss to Germany in this world cup with it."

The first man smiled. "Mr. Pudolski, you are next."

Draco and Lucius

Draco was staring out of the window. It was his wedding today. He was getting married to that girl with a funny name, what was it? Greengrass…yeah that's it. Not the ice princess, though. She… I mean he, was getting married to her sister, the 'Brunhilda' of that crazed family. His father came to cheer him up.

FATHER: One day, lad, all this will be yours!

DRACO: What, the curtains?

FATHER: No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!

DRACO: But, Mother-

FATHER: Father, I'm Father.

DRACO: But Father, I don't want any of that.

FATHER: Listen, lad. I've built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. All the wizards said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad - the strongest castle in these islands.

DRACO: But I don't want any of that - I'd rather-

FATHER: Rather what?

DRACO: I'd rather... just...

[music]

...sing!

FATHER: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

DRACO: But I don't want land.

FATHER: Listen, Alice,-

DRACO: Draco.

FATHER: Draco. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.

DRACO: But I don't like her.

FATHER: Don't like her? What's wrong with her? She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got huge... tracts of land.

DRACO: I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special...

[music]

...something...

FATHER: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're marryin' the girl, so you'd better get used to the idea. Guards! Make sure the boy doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.

GUARD #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.

GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.

FATHER: No, no. Leaving the room.

GUARD #1: Leaving the room, yes.

FATHER: All right?

GUARD #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...

FATHER: Yes, what is it?

GUARD #1: Oh, if-if, oh-

FATHER: Look, it's quite simple.

GUARD #1: Uh...

FATHER: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Right.

GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?

FATHER: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure-

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were-

FATHER: No, no, just keep him in here-

GUARD #1: Until you, or anyone else,-

FATHER: No, not anyone else, just me-

GUARD #1: Just you.

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Get back.

GUARD #1: Get back.

FATHER: Right?

GUARD #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.

FATHER: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: What?

FATHER: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: The boy?

FATHER: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a guard.

FATHER: Is that clear?

GUARD #2: Hic!

GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.

FATHER: Right.

[starts to leave]

Where are you going?

GUARD #1: We're coming with you.

FATHER: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.

DRACO: But, Father!

FATHER: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!

GUARD #2: Hic!

FATHER: Oh, go get a glass of water.

Potter Manor

Harry went to meet his brother Aditya, who was having a bit of trouble concentrating on the magazine he was reading. This was because a couple of thousand people were decamped on the lawns of the tiny (barely 20,000 sq. feet) house. On top of that, they were making subtle advances on Harry, shouting phrases like "Screw me! Screw me!" and "Make me pregnant!"

Very subtle indeed.

Aditya glanced up as Harry entered the room. Neither of the two said anything. They preferred it that way. Finally, Aditya broke the ice. "Can you do anything about them?" he said, gesturing towards the mob. "I can try," Harry said, "but I don't know if it will help."

Opening the window, he shouted "Get away you sons of bitch*s."

The crowd shouted, "He said we can stay! All hail Soul McBallad!"

Aditya raised an eyebrow. "Soul McBallad?"

"Yeah, that's the name I go under, while I'm performing."

"You are a rock star?"

"Yes."

It was true. Harry was in a band named 'the Bottles' which had a line up as :-

Soul McBallad – Bass guitarist

Gareth Barryson – Lead guitarist

Mango Barr – Drummer and,

Heroin Lemon – Acoustic Guitarist

This group was hugely popular in the muggle world, with 'McBallad/Lemon' being voted as the greatest songwriting partnership in the history of rock and roll (though some dumb motherf*ckers petulantly claimed that the Bottles was a pop group)

Now, before anybody tries to assassinate the author, let him make it perfectly clear that he is just having a bit of fun. If anybody finds the last bit in bad taste, remember that all this is done in good spirit. I am NOT trying to degrade anybody.

Also, I'm out of inspiration so… this is it for now.


My grammar him bad because no review I get only. Give me reviews, give me fire, give me reviews, take me higher, etc.

And how many of you know where that Draco marriage thing came from? SalamanderHanzo can, I bet.

Sorry for the length of this chapter. Writing funny is more difficult than writing all nervous anticipation.